Setting Boundaries In Relationships

Have you ever seen a house with no fences defining property boundaries? As a kid, I remember playing with my matchbox toys, only to have a neighbor kid come over and take my toys. He ended up losing most of my toys in his yard, rather than keeping them in my yard. This childhood experience taught me a valuable lesson: setting boundaries.

When we set boundaries, we are basically establishing the ground rules for relationship behavior that establishes how we get needs met and build fulfillment in our relationship(s).

Boundaries are useful.

Harmonious relationships get built when participants communicate their expectations and receive what is expected of them. Kindly and firmly stating what you need from your relationship allows each person to reciprocate. We cannot control other people's beliefs, feelings, or actions, which may not even be related to you but their own experience and perception. They may even be unrelated to our needs. Not only that, but other people can't be expected to read our mind. Therefore, it is up to us to communicate our needs.

Honoring self.

When we establish a boundary we communicate an expectation of how we expect a certain need to get met. It is up to us to make sure these needs are communicated clearly. It is up to us to ensure we're communicating and receiving the things we want and need from others.

First, we must understand what we most want and need. Have we done the inner-personal work to really know what we want? Can we write it down and define it? I offer a Life Purpose e-book to help you get clear on what is most important to you.

How are we communicating our needs? We need to take into account what we say, the tone in saying it, and the body language we're giving out. These will all communicate our needs.

Are we EXpressing our needs, or REpressing our needs?

We need to express our needs, clearly, and in kindness, to state what we want from each other. If you've stated something, but as a complaint, you may not get the result you seek. If you're not winning that way, try expressing in a new way, from love and kindness and respect. That will gain more success. Now, on the other hand, if you're repressing the desire to get certain needs met, you're going to hurt not only yourself but also your partner, in the long run. I've had this happen on two occasions. When your partner represses their needs and subjugates their needs for your needs, you're going to end up with resentments that will fester and grow over time. So, don't repress your needs. Say what you need, as I identified above. There isn't a high chance for lasting happiness and fulfillment until you do.

Here's a process for getting needs met:

1. State the need. "I need (type of behavior or action). I am uncomfortable when you (don't do or do) this behavior."

2. Define the boundary. "I am asking you to do (behavior desired). I am requesting you do this without (behavior you don't want). I am most appreciative and fulfilled in our relationship when you do (behavior needed).

3. If they blow it: Insist they honor your boundary. Use a kind, but firm voice: "I insist that we both interact through (behavior you'd requested). Is there anything truly stopping you from meeting this need?" Listen. If they do not have a legitimate reason for not meeting your need, then reaffirm the need "I need this (behavior). I appreciate you doing this to help us both get along better."

4. If they continue to disregard your boundary: Leave the situation. If someone cannot or will not respect your needs, they aren't showing you respect. Respect is a cornerstone of trust. When we trust each other, we respect each other. When we respect each other, we honor each other's boundaries.

Some people have a bad habit of either not setting or not honoring boundaries in their relationships. These people may require a lot of work to maintain a healthy relationship. Ask yourself if you are willing to invest the time and energy to help get this person to honor boundaries, or if it is better simply to move on.

By moving on, you might want to leave the door open for future discussion, so I'm *not* saying to wreck the relationship. I'm simply suggesting that if a boundary is crossed, it is healthy to pull away for a time. When you pull away for the other party violating the boundary, explain that you would welcome an opportunity to discuss or reconnect in the future, when they are willing to honor your boundary.

Is this clear enough? If they aren't willing to honor your boundary, then you might consider walking away without reengaging. After all, why should we sacrifice what we need to be with other people?

Is it personal if they don't honor the boundary?

Usually the boundary - and the response to it - isn't about the person. So, don't take it personally. Don't try to assume other people's feelings, hurt, guilt, or strange agenda regarding your needs and their reaction to your needs or ways of communicating to you. Just state how you wish to be treated and focus on what you want. Some patterns may take time to change. So, with boundaries, as in training an old mule, it may take some time to get your boundaries set in a way that is healthy for everyone. Remember, you have a right to be treated with courtesy, dignity and respect.

Always honor your boundaries. I recently received a phone call from a new friend at 4:30 a.m. in the morning. I sent a text message back to her: "Boundary: No phone calls before 7:30 a.m.! I value my sleep and hope you do, too." She called me later, apologized, and also said that she respected me stating my boundary and that few people ever told her their boundaries. Well, I guess it was time someone did, huh?! After that day, I can say I communicated better with her and I also slept a heck of a lot better!

People might be surprised when you insist on a boundary, but they WILL respect you for setting and holding to your boundary. By modeling the behavior you want, you will also get respect back from them when they request you honor their boundary, too. Show them the same respect you'd want (The Golden Rule) and watch how much more love, respect, and trust you build in your interpersonal relationships. You'll have far more trust and honesty through setting and keeping your boundaries.
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Are You Living With An Open Heart?

I was reminded today of the importance of life by two conversations.

First, my mother left me a message that my Aunt passed away last night. She was 85 years old, and it wasn't a shock, yet, it is still sad as she was a good woman and my Uncle will miss her terribly. We all will miss her. She was special to all of us in our family and always so good to us.

When I spoke with my sister about it, she told me that today was surreal for her and David. This morning, the UPS guy showed up with a 4 lb. package on their door. Terri picked it up and David said, "Oh, that's my Dad." Terri mentioned "It's hard to imagine that we could be reduced to just 4 lbs. by the time we're gone."

Interesting perspective. But it is true! We will be reduced to just 4 lbs. of dust if we get cremated once we're done living this life.

So, the question I have for you, today, is "Are you living the life you want to live?" and a second question I pose is "Is your heart open to the possibilities of life?"

If you aren't living the life you want, there is no better time to start living it than right now.

If you aren't opening your heart to love other people, to share the real you, the whole you, with other people, there is no better time than right now to begin to share your heart.

I encourage you to be the best you, the most complete you, the most happy, healthy, loving, joyful, and fun you. We are here now. We are here because we have purpose left in us to fulfill and bring to realization.

Your life matters. Your breath, happiness, joy, and spirit you share with others matter. So, open your heart up, embrace each moment for the blessing it is, and have fun with what you've got! As the Italians say "Carpe Diem!"
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Jumping Back Into Dating?

I recently went out with some friends for a special event. Before the event, I hesitated to go. Why? Well, because before this event every attempt at going out and having fun had been tainted by my recent relationship breakup. It seemed like every time I tried to go out and have fun, I'd think about *her* and make myself miserable. Sure, I could have some fun. But I was really trying to fake it and just get through the pain of the breakup and perhaps the feelings of still "being in love" with my ex-girlfriend.

With dating, though, as in all things, there comes a point where you have to just feel the pain and go out again, anyway. If you really loved someone, you'll still feel something - perhaps even a feeling of "betraying" the trust you had with your former partner, by dating someone new. If this feeling is overwhelmingly strong, you probably aren't yet ready to date anyone new. So, be alert to your inner heart and soul communication.

Yet, in time, those funny feelings and feelings of betrayal will fade. New memories will fill up the space of your dating memory bank, and although the old memories will always be there, the new memories will become more important in the forefront of your mind. While it isn't easy to jump back into the dating game, at some point, you've got to do it, right? Unless, of course, you're comfortable being single the rest of your life. Personally, I enjoy love, friendship, and companionship that comes with relationships. So, I'd rather be dating than not dating. That's me.

Recently, I found that by experimenting and creating a few dates showed me again, ever so clearly, what I *don't* want in relationships. I can attract women easily enough, but I need to be cognizant of what I want, for sure. Yeah, a couple of those recent dates didn't quite end in bliss (some do, some don't, next!). The old cliche that "you have to kiss enough frogs to find the prince" also holds true for women, apparently. However, one woman, in particular, gave me a nudge towards what I DO want from my relationships.

You see, I went ahead and went to the event (a cruise with salsa dancing as the main event) and had the time of my life! My date, arranged for me by my salsa instructors, was a pleasant surprise: smart, pretty, sexy, and well-dressed. Not only that, but she's super fun and definitely a better dancer than I am. Anyway, we had a great time. While I can't say at this point where the new relationship will lead, I can say I'm quite glad I put myself back out there again.

If you're a guy, it is a little harder to get back into dating. After all, men have to take the initiative in dating and ASK women out (usually). If you were dumped or rejected it will be harder, also, because you've got to beef up your power and self-esteem to be the confident man with swagger that attracts women. My advice: begin with small steps.

Guys: if you're sitting at home, not doing much dating, it is totally up to you to begin to ask women out again and start to date anew. I recommend you ask women out with the sole (soul?) purpose to just have fun. Don't try to take her to bed or anything like that. Just have a good time. In time, you'll start meeting people that will stir your desire for more. Gals: if you're sitting at home and wondering when or if you'll ever date again, it probably won't be long before someone asks you out IF you're sending out signals that you're available. Put yourself in places where you're most likely to meet a man who you'd like to date, and if you're friendly and having fun, as well as looking good, you'll probably get asked out. It starts with a smile, a hello, and a "sure, I'd love to" when someone asks you out. Of course, make sure you DO want to go out with whoever asks you. And, whatever you do, don't go to bed with anyone who doesn't seem right to you, in your heart, mind, and soul. Take your time!

I'm new in the dating scene again, but I am quite certain of what I want in my next relationship. Can you relate? If so, you probably won't need a huge downtime or "time alone" to figure out who you are or what you want, so go ahead and date. Another way to test the waters is to go out in a group. It's safer, easier, and there's less chance you'll do something stupid you'll regret later. If you're really worried you'll do something you're not ready for, keep your dates limited to public places, and don't go to their house or have them come over to your place, either.

If you're not freaking out over the feelings from your past relationship, and you're clear on what you want and sure that what you're sending out is what you want to attract, then you're probably ready to date again. If not, just take it easy. Everything will come naturally within time. Don't rush anything new and make sure to be true to your heart and your dating experiences will get easier and easier as you move towards want you want in dating and love.

How can you know you're not? Well, if you've made it this far through this particular article, my gut tells me you might need a little more time. (Yep, when I wrote it, I sure did!) How much time? How about this:

1. When you no longer read their horoscope.
2. When you go a few days without thinking about them or talking about them.
3. When you can only think of the new person you wish to date.

When you can check "yes" to each of the above, you're ready to date someone new again.

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How I Lost 20 lbs In 5 Months

I've officially done it: I lost 20 lbs in 5 months.

Those of you who know me closely know that I don't like being overweight. I never date anyone significantly over weight, nor do I, myself, ever let myself get out of whack with my fitness routine. That was, until last year. What happened is I'd had toe surgery to repair an ingrown toenail. Now, a toe may not seem like a big deal, but that toe problem kept me off the beach (no walks), away from the dance floor (yep, no dancing), and pretty much stopped most of my other power aerobic activity. Unfortunately, I sat around and ate more with all that extra time. The result: I went from 18 lbs overweight to 38 lbs overweight! And even though I'm 6'3" tall, people were starting to comment: not good!


This year, I decided to take action and get myself back into shape.

How did I get in better shape? I'll share my tips here:


1. Do what you love. I started going for walks on the beach, playing golf, playing tennis, and going dancing again. These activities that I love gave me an easier start back into getting into shape. It didn't feel HARD to do any of these things. On the contrary, it was EASY. Always start with something pretty easy before getting into the harder aspects of any program.


2. I started working out. By implementing a workout program, I started to gain muscle again. At first, this didn't help me lose any weight. I stayed the same weight on the scale. BUT I gained muscle. And muscle burns off calories faster than fat, any day. To burn more fat you must gain more muscle! So, I started working out. Not only that, but I feel more toned now and enjoy the feeling of being more muscular.

3. I quit drinking. Okay, not completely, but I cut back on the booze. You retain 4x more fat when you drink alcohol than when you don't. So, if you want to reduce fat, it only makes sense to eliminate or significantly reduce your drinking of alcoholic beverages, including mixed drinks, beer, and wine. The side result is I think more clearly and spend less money! How did I do it? I drink 8 oz. water any time I feel the urge to drink. It works!

4. Dance more! I started seriously upping the amount of dancing I was doing starting on April 1. I did this for two reasons: (a) I wanted to be a better dancer, (b) I had gone through a breakup and wanted to meet other single women. I didn't realize at the time that I'd get in better shape from dancing, but man-oh-man some of those dance lessons kicked my butt! Especially the Afro-Cuban dance lesson with the professional choreographer. See my article on Salsa dancing to learn more on this one...


5. Eat healthier. Instead of drinking a soda, I now drink water or apple juice. Yes, the apple juice has calories. But, the saying "an apple a day" makes sense to me, so I'm not on a low-carb diet, just a healthier diet. I'll eat my fruit, vegetables, and less meat and processed foods like chips or french fries. Since I made this diet change, I found myself initially VERY hungry - to the point of feeling like I could eat the paint off the wall. However, after about two weeks of this hunger my stomach adjusted and now I'm fine with my new diet.

6. Aerobic techniques. The next step of my workout program has been to implement aerobic techniques to combine distance, repetitive, and short-distance activities into my workout. At the beach, I now combine walking with jogging, backwards jogging, and sprinting during two phases of my walk. Doing this aerobic work is raising my heart-rate and also helping rid the fat.


7. Play Competitive Tennis. My final step of my workout program is to find other tennis players and start playing tennis two or three times a week. I'm doing this because (a) I'll make new friends, (b) tennis players are in good shape and (c) I might have a little fun competing.


See, there's an old saying "If you want to be successful, copy other people who are successful." I noticed that people with the best physique are those who either: (a) workout, (b) play sports (like tennis, surfing, volleyball, and racquetball), and (c) dance. If you're seeking a way to get into your ideal shape, what program will you use?


Yes, I still have 18 more lbs to go, but now I'm in the discipline of living in a way that WILL drop the weight and WILL get me in better shape. I started small, and worked up to it. Disclaimer: As with any workout program, always consult a doctor before beginning your own program. But once you start, commit to it and stick with it! Sure, I didn't achieve my initial goal of 20 pounds in 30 days, but I did realize this goal withing 5 months! I hit my goal when I followed through on my commitment and stuck with it.

We don't have to starve ourselves to drop the weight and gain the muscle. We don't have to kill ourselves in the gym 10 times a week, either. We just need to be more disciplined to take the time and make the effort to be our best self.
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Ending Destructive Cycles and Patterns

Have you figured out that you're recreating patterns in your life? Whether a relationship that ends or has components we've seen before, or a job pattern history that seems to keep repeating, or friendships doing the same things, struggles to get in shape, or other struggles, these patterns often seem to dig into our persona and not only chase but haunt us, in spite of our best efforts to do our best in breaking free.

Can you identify that you'd like to end the destructive cycles stopping you from getting what you want?

1. Identifying a cycle is a start!

Well, the first step is identifying the fact that you're IN a cycle! If you're reading this and saying, "Yep, I'm in a cycle going back years - or even to my childhood" well, then this is a chance to learn and grow.

What can you do to begin ending destructive cycles?

2. Break it down. Beyond identification, the next step is to break down the elements of how we are failing.

Is it an expectation?
Does the concern include doing the same kinds of things in behavior to resolve issues that subsequently don't go away?

See, if that's what's happening, we may be focused on what we want to manifest, but failing to put the right things first: correct thought, correct feelings and judgements, and actions that will produce the fruit we seek.

3. Think different. The first step to change a pattern is to think different. We must change our thinking if we are to break free from destructive cycles. If we think the same way we've thought in the past, we're likely to repeat. So, change thinking. How can we change thinking? Through affirmations, and spotting opposite thoughts to what we've thought before.

4. Feel different. Next, we have to build correct feelings. Yes, this means we must FEEL different, too. I once dated someone who seemed fond of saying "I have a right to how I feel. You're telling me my feelings aren't okay." Well, the truth of the matter was that her feelings were not based upon real events and they were distorting her ability to judge correctly. It created situations with unrealistic expectations and weird behavior. It started with funky thought patterns and then manifested uglier when feelings of negativity were attached to thoughts.

See, we must be very careful about how and what we judge in processing feelings. The very act of calling a thought a positive thought is a judgment about the thought. So, be alert to the words you use to describe your thoughts, and then the subsequent feelings you attach to those thoughts. It is the "feeling" stage that will either ensure we break free of a pattern or keep us in it. It is up to us to feel differently. Can we change our feelings? Yes, we can! Set out to feel good, happy, and start with that BEFORE you get the result of the circumstance.

5. Act different. Last, our actions must match our thoughts and feelings. So, we must ACT different, as well. If we can align our thoughts, feelings, and actions with what we most want to manifest, then our success will naturally come in a result we initially hope to realize. Actions speak loud. We need to make sure our actions and feelings match. Put it all out there, don't be shy, and live large in each action. Be strong, humble, and act from integrity with your deepest desires.

If you desire deep communication in your relationship, then communicate deeply. Don't repress your thoughts and don't dominate your partner. If you desire to feel happier about how you eat and reach your ideal weight, then be happy about what you eat and eat in a healthy way (match the feeling with the action). If you desire to feel excited about your job and manifest financial abundance through your work, then act from excitement in a way most desirable of people who win in that career and learn from all results. You'll see the success follow.

Seek balance in actions that match your thoughts and feelings, and you will be happier and fulfilled.

You will notice that through each of these suggestions to break free from cycles, the word "different" keeps popping up in my advice. Why? Because, if we keep thinking, feeling, and acting in ways we've done before, how can we possibly expect anything different? We must think, feel, and act different to break free and define the life we truly want to live.
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Learn The Secret of Failing Successfully

The AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self-Help Show welcomes a special guest this week. Join Scott as he interviews special guest, Gina Mollicone-Long, Author of "The Secret of Successful Failing" (#1 on Amazon the week it launched), businesswoman, entrepreneur, coach, and mother of two loving children.

Title: The Secret of Failing Successfully
Show Date: Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Show Time: 5:00 PM PST / 8:00 PM EST
CALL IN!: (724) 444-7444 Enter: 37792 # 1 #
It's simple and easy!

Description: Learn how to get MORE of ANYTHING that you want in any area of your life – business, personal, spiritual. This is more than just “learning from your mistakes”. This is about learning how to leverage everything that happens EXACTLY how it happens. Hidden inside every failure is the exact recipe to get what you want and you just need to learn how to identify it and USE IT. You'll learn more about the Law of Attraction than you can watching The Secret backwards and forwards!

It's fun and educational to join the call:

VISIT ONLINE: www.talkshoe.com/tc/37792
CALL IN!: (724) 444-7444
Enter: 37792 # 1 # It's simple and easy to join in. See you there!

More about Gina Mollicone-Long:

Gina Mollicone-Long is a one woman powerhouse who has spent the last 15 years trail-blazing new paths for the modern female entrepreneur. She is the best-selling author of The Secret of Successful Failing. Her breadth of business experience ranges from big corporate to start-from-scratch entrepreneur; from high tech to not-for-profit. In each and every endeavor, personal or professional, Gina brings her ferocious energy and her firm belief that the "impossible" is always possible.
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Building Love Together

Why do some couples manage to keep their love strong; in fact, even growing it over time, while other

couples struggle just to maintain open communication?

I think I've discovered the secret to building love together:

It's about maintaining a sense of commitment to doing the things you most love doing together. In some cases, this might be gardening. In others, dancing. It might be walks on the beach, skiing, or going to a theme park. As couples get older, I've noticed they might share wine tasting, Sunday School, hiking, biking, and all kinds of other activities.

What activities do you enjoy doing with your honey?

If you've gotten away from doing those things, maybe that's exactly what you need to build a stronger love between the two of you.

Make the effort, set aside the time, and commit to a schedule or plan to spend quality time together. While you're doing those things, talk about the dreams you have in mind together. Keep it positive: share what you love and appreciate about each other. Ask for what you most want in your relationship, and then offer what your partner asks of you.

These are the ways couples continue to build love together, even when the sands of time slip through the hour glass.

Rather than drift apart like so many failed relationships, why not commit to watering, fertilizing, and keeping your relationship soil fertile and healthy? By putting attention into your love action even when things seem "okay" you'll keep yourself from stagnation or fear of not getting your needs met.

I truly wish more couples would take this extra step to ensure their relationship succeeds. The pain of breakups is hard. Not only that, but often the next person isn't really any better than the first, they just choose to try in a different way with the new person.

When you're not getting your needs met, rather than complain and criticize your partner - tactics that increase resentment -- instead focus on the fun activities you both share and love. You'll both walk away happy, fulfilled, and loving each other more than before you started!

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Life Is A Roller Coaster

Do you ever feel like your career, dating, finances, home environment, or relationship is a roller coaster?

Life can be a roller coaster at times, can't it?

Well, if you're struggling to maintain a sense of harmony, peace, and balance, there are several thoughts I have on this subject:

First, when you walk on the beach, have you ever noticed that the sand formations are different every time you're there? At a beach near me, sometimes the sand makes a sand barge, with a creek flowing to the sea. Other times, there is no creek flowing to the sea at all. Sometimes the creek is just a trickle. Yet, other times, there are big ditches in the sand. It depends upon the time of year, whether or not there a storm passes through, and how the tide rises or falls.

I'll point out again, you may have noticed that several different factors are influencing the shape of the sand: the sea itself, the season, and the tide.

Seasons: Springs brings new seeds of life, Summer nurtures it and helps it grow, Fall ushers in a time for harvest, and Winter brings death with cold and snow. Yet, the snow melts again in Spring the very next year. Life is full of ups and downs, is it not?

Our very own heart beat is in one moment pushing new blood to our body and in the next bringing old back in for recycling. Do you see my point?

Roller coasters are part of life.

See, roller coasters are simply part of life. If we're saying "I'm sick of roller coasters" or "I'm tired of my money going up and down" or "I'm sick and frustrated with this relationship being in or out" or other things like that, at times, it may indeed be life itself that we're complaining about.

I have yet to have a relationship that is even-keel all of the time. I haven't seen too many of those amongst my friends and family, either. In addition, in work, I've seen months where I set the world on fire with sales, and other months that seemed like I was crossing the desert for water. Can you relate? Does your partner love you? That's worth a thousand winters if you have true love.

We create our own peace and harmony.

The second thought I have on this is that we often create our own situation. If we feel like our home environment is a storm, it is more than likely our own inability to create the calm we seek. Rather than look outside of ourselves for our answer to the storm, it may indeed be within us to dig deep, try something new, and/or explore new modalities of interaction.

Rather than expecting a reluctant hero to "save" us from our situation, I believe it is far more empowering to trust in God and then take action ourselves according to the wisdom given to us to correct the ghosts of Christmas past and create the current space we wish to manifest. Rather than ask "How does it feel to have peace? How does it feel to have people love and support us?" I'd rather focus on "How does it feel to be loving and supportive and offer peace to others?" then encourage those around us to embrace this new concept of peace and harmony.

We build money through better earning, spending and saving habits.

With money, increasing income combined with good habits, over time, will yield good results. So, create a good job for yourself, then instill better spending and saving habits.

With relationships, quit expecting perfection and look at how you can maximize what you have in front of you. If you've been stubborn and refusing to admit your own part in how things get messed up, then own it, break free from denial, and be the best you that you can be. Others will respond in kind, trust me.

Roller Coasters offer a mountain, but then we experience the PEAK MOMENT and the THRILL and EXUBERATION of the downhill zip!


Even though climbing up a mountain might seem laborious, consider the view when we reach the peak of the mountain top. Time stands still, in that moment. Then, when life turns and we zip downhill, the thrill of putting our hands in the air and screaming with joy at the satisfaction and exuberation that comes with success is often just around the corner. Did we quit too soon? Roller coasters create the thrills, hot make-up sex, and exciting celebrations of "making it" we so dearly yearn for as "peak" life moments. Embrace each step of the ride!

Yes, we ALL do roller coasters.

So, the next time you feel like life is a roller coaster, rather than get down in the dumps or give up on what you're trying frustrated with trying to work through, why not keep the faith, renew your energy, and know that you WILL emerge on an upswing again at some point in time.

When you reach the top of the next summit you will look back and say "yes, the roller coaster was worth the ride" when you surpass the difficulty climb, hit the peak moment, and the thrill of zipping through success. It is then you realize that your dreams do, in fact, come true. Success comes from the ride, not any particular moment. Rather than reject the roller coaster ride, embrace it: climb aboard with full gusto and joy in being part of life!
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Dating and Relationship Tips Learned From Salsa Dancing

Lately, I've been getting quite engaged with Salsa dancing. Why? Salsa dancing is fun, good exercise, healthy, and challenging! Second, I love the music. Cuban, Cha-Cha, Afro music is fun to dance to. I've lost 12 pounds in 6 weeks since embarking on my recent classes Salsa dancing, so it is also a good workout!

There is another benefit to Salsa dancing: gaining a better understanding of dating and relationships. By dancing Salsa, you can learn more about how to relate with the opposite sex, how to be a "healthy" partner, how to be a stronger man, and how to be a more complete woman.

This past year, a member of CPSalsa.com sent me the following list of dancing tips for Salsa dancers: "I'm sure that most of you have heard of the saying that ignorance is bliss. Therefore, by inference, the less I know, the happier I am. Of course, in the salsa dancing world this is pure rubbish. You may be happy, but your dancing partner may be secretly formulating a plan to gouge out your eyeballs. To avoid this situation, you absolutely need to know what works and what doesn't on the dance floor. As G.I. Joe proclaims, "Knowing is half the battle".

So in your battle to become that salsa stud or salsa diva on the dance floor, I managed to gather up a list of dance floor pet peeves and other things people actually love about their dance partner for your reading pleasure. These are in no particular order.

Dancing Pet Peeves

1. Not looking at your partner or holding eye contact while dancing. In other words, you're easily distracted.
2. Not dancing to the level of your partner. In other words, you're a showoff.
3. Bad breath. Come on people, we sell mints for crying out loud!
4. Really sweaty shirts. This one's subjective but it's always a good idea to keep an extra set of clothes handy.
5. Loose arms. This one's for the ladies. They call it spaghetti arms for a reason.
6. Ladies who come to a dance, but don't dance. I'm still trying to figure this one out.
7. Instructors who don't dance with beginners. Those spoiled instructors.
8. Couples who invade another couple's dance area. Not cool man!
9. Followers who apologize too much.
10. A guy who dances with the same lady more than twice in a row.
11. Too strong of a lead. Guys: Know thy strength.
12. Guys who think they are Salsa Heaven's gift to women. Guess what? You're not.

Alright, so let's not dwell too much on the negative. I'm sure you get the picture. Essentially, don't be an easily distracted showoff with bad breath and you should be fine. Now , let's dive into what people love about their partners.

I really love it when my dance partner....

1. Makes conversation with me.
2. Protects me on the dance floor.
3. Does simple but elegant moves.
4. Has engaging eyes.
5. Isn't easily distracted by other happenings on the dance floor.
6. Doesn't correct me on the dance floor.
7. Smells good.
8. Leads gently.
9. Thanks me after the dance.
10. Looks like she's having fun.
11. Makes me feel like I'm the best dancer on the floor.
12. Admits to their own mistakes and doesn't fault their partner.
13. Does shines and arm styling.
14. Encourages me.
15. Twirls me a lot.
16. Patient and helpful with a smile
17. Is confident.
18. Asks me to dance and isn't a wallflower.
19. Smiles through perspiration.

So, what can we learn from this list, as dancing might improve our dating and relationships?

Dating and relationship qualities features I noticed include:

• Confident: Confidence is sexy in men AND women. Know what you want to do, why you want to do it, and approach it with inner strength.
  
• Good eye contact: The eyes have it - we can always improve our dating and relationships by using "engaging eye contact" and not letting our eyeballs strain to other people, events, or distractions. Be present with your eyes, and you'll improve your relationships.
  
• Men - protect your women: Women like strong men because they enjoy being protected. This doesn't mean being a jerk to other people, just protect your partner's space. In addition, don't invade other people's space. This could go for people who cheat with their partner's friends, family members, or associates. Don't do it!
  
• Women - engage your men: show up, be excited, invite him, and respond to his requests. Be involved with style: Show-up, get involved, be simple, elegant, and restrained (no need to show off).
  
• Deal with mistakes politely: Correct in private, praise in public. Good advice from Dale Carnegie applies everywhere! Admitting to mistakes easily without blame is a good policy for dating and relationships, too. Have patience with each other and encourage when you experience something good together.
  
• Have fun: Twirls? I relate this to having fun. How often do you take your woman out and keep her active? Have fun with each other, surprise each other, make love often, kiss each other, and let your partner shine. Have fun and act like you're having fun. Have you ever been around someone who forgets to laugh, shake their hips a little, and greet you in a happy way? Remember to do this dancing AND in relationships!
  
• Be a good conversationalist: I've always felt there is a natural lead and follow in conversation, much like in dancing. Be open to your partner's thoughts and ideas and you'll have better relationships. Be encouraging, open, supportive.
  
• Look good, smell good: Practice good hygiene and nice dress. These things are basics but you'd be surprised how many people date looking like a slob or let themselves go in relationship. If you're finding yourself in sweats together hanging out on the couch, dress up, get out, and do something fun together! If you have bad breath, do something about it...maintain good hygiene and you'll likely keep your partner interested.
  
• Smile and be nice even through adversity: You'll notice from the dancing tips they suggest to smile through perspiration. Even when things are tough, don't stress on each other, keep it light, keep it fun, keep smiling and loving each other.
  
• Make each other feel special: Both men and women must make each other feel special. Men ought to make their woman feel like she's the only woman that matters to him, and women must act as their man is someone they enjoy and have fun with, as well as encouraging him.
  
• Show gratitude: Are you showing gratitude? Do you say "thank you" and write thank you notes frequently? Gratitude is a way of showing appreciation. Say thank you. Show you are into it, and initiate on your own, too.

As you see, you can improve your dating and relationship success by dancing Salsa (and probably West-Coast Swing, Argentine Tango, Rumba, Ballroom, East-Coast Swing, Night Club 2-Step, and other dancing styles). Use what you learn about dancing to gain insights into how to relate with the opposite sex, how to be a "healthy" partner, how to be a more dynamic, confident, and fun person to be with.

Use these tips in your own dating and relationships to increase your success with love and happiness.
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Want to learn more about Salsa Dancing? (Read on!)

Salsa can even be fun for kids to improve their interdynamic relationships. You'll notice all the fun group interaction when you check this out:



This is where salsa usually starts:




This is how partner dance moves develop:

Aren't these instructors awesome?



Notice the fun dynamic happening with the dancers in this group class:



And this is where you might end up if you get totally into it:



The Pros make it look so easy!



If you think you can't spin fast, watch these two:


As you can see, this can get a little crazy. I'm just starting with the basics and having fun with it.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow and CPSalsa.com. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

New Starts & New Beginnings on AspireNow Radio

Join Scott Andrews, Host of the AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self Help Radio Show this Tuesday, May 13, at 5PM PST / 8PM EST to discuss ways to begin new starts in career, dating, health, money, and relationships.

When: May 13, 2008 at 5:00 p.m. PST 11:00 p.m. EST

To Call In: Dial (724) 444-7444. Enter 37792 # Enter: 1 # or your Talkshoe PIN

Topic: New Starts & New Beginnings

Scott Andrews, Founder of AspireNow, offers a 30-minute look into ways to get new stars and new beginnings. Scott will be grabbing from the mail bag of questions, as well as reviewing material recently posted at his www.AspireNow.com website and http://aspirenow.blogspot.com blog.

The show is broadcast live online and via telephone Tuesday night starting at 5PM PST.

It's simple and easy to join in!

How to Participate:

1. Visit http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/37792 - this enables you to text questions and see questions/live chat during the show, and hear Scott on the show.

2. Dial (724) 444-74443. Enter 37792 # Enter: 1 # or your Talkshoe PIN.Note:

If you MISS the show, visit http://www.aspirenow.com/ and listen via the Talkshow player, or visit: http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/37792.

Also, make sure to click the "follow the show" box if you're listening from the TalkShoe link: http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/37792. See you there!!
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Join Our iNutrition Team!

Why Should You Join iNutrition and Top Team Today?

Do you want to get involved in the explosive healthcare, weight-loss, and fitness industries?

Have you ever thought "Yes, I'd like to join an network marketing company, but at the ground floor, not after 60 Million people are already in it?"

I just stumbled upon a BRAND NEW opportunity that is truly revolutionary and unique.

What makes an opportunity unique?

1. When there are truly NO MIDDLEMEN
   
2. When you deal directly with a 12 year old established manufacturer that has 700 established retail products.
   
3. When you help to mold new products from the manufacturer.

This BRAND NEW site explains it all.

Visit: http://aspirenow.inutritionopportunity.com/

Imagine being able to cut out the middleman and sell products directly from the manufacturer to the consumer. This is iNutrition. iNutrition is a well-funded company with a proven track record selling millions of dollars in superb nutritional products.

So how did this all start?

iNutrition has been purchased by Tim Connolly for $25 Million dollars. He is the CEO of INutrition.com and the person standing behind this amazing opportunity.

His vision is to take iNutrition to the next level: the US market. That's right, iNutrition already sells products in over 16 countries, but is just starting to tap the US market for penetration.

Imagine being able to introduce INutrition products to 200 million US households. Great, right?

But what's the money? The commissions, as MLM compensation goes, is off-the-hook! I am not talking about some 3-4% like many other MLM companies pay, but some substantial commissions that will put money in your pocket very quickly.

iNutrition is different than any other network marketing company because they actually own the manufacturing facility for their products. In addition, iNutrition produce 699 of the 700 products that they sell. This means we can introduce iNutrition products to the world at the lowest prices possible and keep a substantial amount of money for ourselves.

Unlike 99.9% of other companies, iNutrition manufactures 699 of the 700 retail products!

Most of you who know AspireNow's founder, Scott Andrews, know that he doesn't jump on 99% of most MLM opportunities. Why? Because they require a lot of work, time, and many actually take you away from your life and friends. iNutrition promises to be different. It's simple, easy, and their products deliver on the promise of good health. Learn more from the iNutrition page here:

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Dealing With Disappointment

Have you ever dealt with disappointment?

I have experienced disappointment and can empathize with the range of emotions you might experience when life, people, or circumstances don't deliver according to expectations, or even hopes, or maybe even human decency.

Sometimes, people let us down. Friends fail to say the right things. Lovers leave and don't come back. Jobs don't come through with the money they promised. Work isn't as exciting or productive as it used to be. Or, maybe people flake out and don't do what we thought. People can also be greedy, selfish, or uncaring. Our health may fail us. New opportunities we expected don't show up when or how we thought they might.

Let's face it: there's a whole bunch of ways we can experience disappointment with people, work, love, and life. Often, these circumstances create frustration, anger, sadness, and a general feeling that life isn't what it could be. These feelings can lead to judgment, criticism, and resentment. Left unchecked, disappointment can lead to feelings of unhappiness, lack, and even depression.

What can you do when you feel someone has let you down?

1. What can we control? Well, first, remember that you cannot control other people. In relationships, unmatched and unrealistic expectations can cause problems with resentment, which may lead to judgment, contempt, and disconnections. Other times, people communicate in ways that leaves the other party confused. If we expect others to read our mind instead of expressing concern, we're likely to struggle to get our expectations and needs met.

2. Have we made clear what we need? Also, if we are frustrated with how people communicate, but haven't made clear how important this is to our needs, we may have set up an expectation without foundation.

3. Can the other party deliver what we want? Last, we may have communicated our concern clearly, but if the other party is unable to do what we most want, we still may have an unrealistic expectation.

I experienced some of the problems in a relationship this past year. I was expecting my partner to greet me with cheer, to discuss positive topics, dreams, and goals when we talked, but she was unable to do that. She was mostly only able to focus on her concerns, rants, problems, and challenges, and expected me to hear those things, without the cheer. Over extended periods of time, this mismatched expectation led to a major disconnect in our relationship. I started to talk over her and didn't let her finish her sentences. I basically repressed her. She ended up feeling I was selfish and only wanted to talk about my things. Can you see how my expectation for positive, cheerful talk either was not communicated properly or was met with a response or inability to deliver? I believe that this communication disconnection was at the root of the breakup I experienced after things boiled over.

It is wisest if you can catch personal disappointment up front and determine if you've communicated your needs, and set an expectation that your partner is able to deliver upon. If you fail to do either of these, you may end up dealing with disappointment.

How are you communicating?


Usually, when we are disappointed, something in our own action and attitude contributed to the situation where the other party did not match our expectations. Take stock in how you are communicating. Are you stating why you want certain things? Are you clarifying the underlying reason how you want things done? Are you asking these things of people who are capable of delivering them to you? Try to get a "yes" answer in each of your interactions to maximize your satisfaction with personal relationships and friendships.

Sometimes, people just out and out lie, cheat, steal or don't fulfill what they promised. If this is your situation, well, use the experience as a springboard for the Golden Rule: treat others as you wish to be treated. If you don't want people to complain around you, don't complain. If you want others to be positive, be positive. If you want other people to respect you, be respectful of them, first. Often, we create our own reality by what we send out to others.

Pray and play together. I've read on a plaque that "A family that prays together stays together." Are you making it a point to pray together? Often, by putting our focus first upon God, it makes everything else more manageable. Second, are you PLAYING together? If one member of your family is off doing their own thing, they might be creating dissension. Sometimes, we all need to compromise a little in order to all have the time to play together and build better bonds.

What kind of quality TIME are you spending with the people you most care about?

My sister once told me that if I want to be closer to my nephew, that I ought to spend more TIME with him. It was a point well-taken. I went out and played golf with him that month and he later called me and said how much he enjoyed it. This, from someone who'd called me about twice in his life before that golf day. So, YES, the time we spend together matters.

What about the demands of parenting and time with each other?

Are you a single parent? Are you allowing your children to cut into the time you have with your partner to the point where you rarely have any quality time together? Are you a couple trying to raise children? Both single parents and coupled parents need to make sure they're spending time developing their relationship with each other instead of just parenting all the time.

Make the time for each other. Draw hard boundaries, and keep them. Make your time quality time. Do fun things together: go for a walk in nature, travel fun places, go dancing, go snuggle and make love. Make a "no cell phone except for emergency policy" and stick to it! If you make sure you get time that is specifically your time, and you'll have a happier relationship over the longer-term.

What can you do when an opportunity, job, or new growth of other sort didn't come through?

Sometimes, I wish I had a crystal ball I could look into that would show me both the macro and micro level of life and events around me. Wouldn't it make it easier? In reality, most people need to establish a master plan and then be flexible to adjust as life events might impact that plan. I try to first put it in God's hands.

I've personally been promised a job where the financial opportunity was supposed to be $20K a month, then found out later that most people in that job were really only making about $10K a month. It frustrated me to make less than I'd been promised. In that position, I had two choices: become obsessed over making $20K a month, leave for another job that might pay better, or accept the situation and make the best of it. It is not good to switch jobs every few months, so if you've faced this, you may be frustrated, disappointed, and even a little resentful or angry with your boss.

If this is your situation, focus on what you most want. Did you communicate your needs clearly? Have you taken the steps you need to take to achieve what you want with your job? Is this company, position, or boss able to deliver what you need if you make the right steps in your job? If the answer is "yes" to each of these questions, you're probably in the right position to meet your needs. If the answer is "no", then maybe it is time to consider other avenues of employment.

I've been in very difficult career positions in my past. One time, my company, Intelogic Trace, had filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy. In my first meeting with Delta Dental, the client handed me the bankruptcy letter and asked me if that was what I wanted to talk about. Yes, it was rough! At first, I let it get to me. I recall being so stressed out that I ripped my dress shirt in half when it was missing a button after a trip to the cleaners. My girlfriend at the time said "Oh, I'm staying away from you!" Yeah, I was stressed out. Then, the next day, I woke up and thought "Hmm. How bad could this be? I mean, yes, I could lose my job, but so what?! There are other jobs, and if I embrace this, maybe I can turn lemonade out of this lemon!" So, I dug in and decided to be a beacon of positive energy, success, and growth IN SPITE of the bankruptcy.

Guess what? People responded to my shift in attitude in a positive way. Over time, I came to be known as the top salesperson in my region and went to the company Summit Club for achievement three years in a row. Sometimes, it pays to be positive and persevere.

What can you do when life or God doesn't seem to be listening?

I spoke with a friend about this recently. I was feeling particularly disappointed with several different people, my company, another career situation, and even some friends. The disappointment led to feeling depressed and that led to me feeling like life sucked. Can you relate? We've all been there. Well, in my experience, and my belief in God is that God is in all things. So, God is always there. God is always listening. God is always guiding, slowly, surely, through all of it. Sometimes we are offered challenges to see if we can create something new and exciting.

Franklin D. Roosevelt was offered polio and used it to create one of the top rehabilitation centers in the country at that time. Louise Braille lost his eyesight through the slip of an awl and used it to create an alphabet for the blind.

In every situation, we almost always can find someone worse off than we are. So, before you go do anything drastic, re-frame your situation and release what you can't control and focus only upon what you CAN control. We cannot control other people's reactions to our brilliant ideas. Some people may even snicker or put the idea down. We can only control how we think, feel, and act about our own dreams and goals.

Put aside the cloak of disappointment for the coat of happiness and fulfillment

So, put aside disappointment. Often, we receive disappointment to help us clarify more of what we want in the future. We gain new clarity and insight, along with a dogged determination never to experience the failure, loss, or setback in communication, health, job, money, or love, ever again. It is up to us to seize the moment and be who we want to be, communicate clearly what we need and desire, and find the situations, people, and places that are most apt to be able to deliver to the expectation we've set forth.

By matching our expectations with reality, and putting out what we most want to get back, we are highly likely to increase our happiness and fulfillment, thus improving our life and leading us back to the road to success, love, and joy.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Time Management Tips For Peak Productivity

I recently read a post on productivity and considering the natural cycles of society, it makes sense that we're likely the most productive during the same hours that coincide the best times to post a blog post or post an article to our website.

How can I base this? Because this is when people are in the most focused, intense "work" mode.

Amazingly enough, the best time to post a blog post is 10:30 a.m. PST to 2:00 p.m. PST Tuesday through Friday. I'll stretch that a tad, but based upon this I'll state the peak productivity time, in general, for employees and workers is between 10:00 a.m. PST and 3:00 p.m. PST.

What I'm talking about is how to maximize things that so many people struggle with, ranging from time management to productivity skills, doing first things first, managing the "7 Habits of Highly Successful People", and other time/management/productivity concerns.

Considering the schedule I've proposed, I have to ask: are you taking LONG LUNCHES? If you are, you're cutting into your most productive time during the day. I'd suggest that you either eat a lighter lunch or take a late lunch, that way you'll be maximizing your highest productivity hours in each week.If you've failed to consider the most productive hours of a day, and claim that late night is your top time (I've been guilty) or claim that morning is also your most productive time (been guilty of that, too), well, here's the wake up call: most people are in work mode during Tuesday through Friday. They start to "check out" at 2:00 p.m. because many have kids they need to tend to. School schedules usually release children around 2:00 pm or 3:00 pm, and amazingly, this is also when productivity begins to wane among adults, too. After 5:00 p.m., we're thinking about dinner. After dinner, we relax and digest our food. During the weekend, we're relaxing and having fun from our hard work during the week. However, I will also point out that if we use Internet data for our assumption, then we need to consider that many people are East Coast-based and therefore 2:00 p.m. PST is 5:00 p.m. (EST) to them.

Peak Productive Time?

When is your peak productive time? If you're like many others, you probably take a half hour to settle into your work. In addition, you probably unwind for the last 15 minutes each day, too. On top of that, you'll need at least two 10 minute breaks, and at least 30 minutes for lunch. Take all of that away, you're probably going to have your peak productivity start to kick in around 8:30 a.m. and then wind down around 4:45 p.m., if you maintain an 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. schedule. Make the most out of it!The 80/20 rule will apply, too, so that peak time during the middle of the day is critical to your ongoing success. Don't waste it! Your best time for a meeting is likely on Wednesday or Thursday right around NOON. So, make the most out of these time slots!

Maximize the time when you can reach the most people, impact them the most, and focus your efforts to be your most productive self between Tuesday and Friday between the time frame of 10:30 a.m. PST and 5:00 p.m. EST. Schedule your most important meeting each week at Noon on Thursday. That is when you'll get the biggest bang for your time slot.When you practice solid time management skills, you will fare better. Ideas I have to refresh for you with this article include:

Time Management Tips:

1. Focus on one thing at a time. One of my mentors is Lou Holtz, formerly the Head Coach of Notre Dame. Lou had an expression that to WIN is to do "What's Important Now?" When you can answer, and do, those things, you will win more often.
2. Complete a task, then move on to your next item on your priority list.
3. Start with one global or long-term goal, then a short-term easy goal, each day. This will make sure you don't avoid the most pressing thing, and also ensure you don't ignore your long-term goals, either.
4. Set a goal for the amount of time to break, eat, and break throughout the day.
5. Don't get side-tracked with items off of your list.

When we instill a sense of discipline into our work day, we get more things done. See if renewing your focus on your peak hours, and by putting your list of things-to-do into the core of that time-frame, you're bound to be more successful.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Breaking Up And Moving On

So, you went through a break-up? If you're anything like me, you take breakups hard, full-on, and experience the full gamut of emotions ranging from anger, resentment, disconnecting, relief, happiness, sadness, depression, loneliness, then back through the whole thing again. How can you end this cycle sooner?

Well, first of all, it might be HEALTHY to go through all of that. Just try to go easy on yourself - and your ex - through this time. I'm going to give you several practical tips to help you move on and get past the grieving faster and with the minimal amount of pain. Follow this plan, and you'll likely be able to live and love again in a very healthy and happy way.

First, let's focus on what NOT to do:

1. Don't keep contacting him/her.
2. Don't drown your sorrows.
3. Don't make drastic changes or hurt yourself.
4. Don't keep talking about him/her with friends and family.
5. Don't stew in it and sit in a pool of tears with email, letters, and photos.
6. Don't go out and have sex with new people to deal with rejection or loss of love.

1. Don't keep contacting him/her. Don't send her text messages. Don't drop by his work to see if he's there. Don't send email. Don't call or phone. Don't show up unexpectedly at events they commonly attend. Look, whether you were the dumper or the dumpee it really doesn't matter. In one case, you're undecided, which is weak. In the other, you're desperate, which is also weak. So, don't do it. Don't talk to their friends about him/her, either. They'll be on their side and you'll just build up more resentment. So don't waste time with their friends, either. Don't waste your time dawdling around trying to contact them in ANY way, shape, or form. You won't be healing anything and you'll just end up putting your heart through more grief. If you were the dumper, you're being cruel to them. If you were the dumpee, you're setting yourself up for them to be cruel to you. Either way, this behavior doesn't sound like "higher self" behavior to me. So, if you've been doing this: STOP NOW!

2. Don't drown your sorrows in a bottle (or a pill or any other drug). Getting drunk will help you feel better for about 3 - 6 hours. Then, you'll have to face your grief with the added challenge of feeling yucky on top of it. So, deal with your pain other, more healthy ways (more on this in a bit).

3. Don't cut off all your hair, make drastic changes, or otherwise let yourself go. Women have a bad habit of getting a hair cut to symbolize getting rid of their ex. Later, when they look in the mirror, all they can do is cry that they hurt their beautiful long hair over feelings that could have been dealt with otherwise. Don't hurt yourself in any way, shape, or form. Yes, I know, the pain of lost love hurts so very bad and we think we'll never get over it. It seems that way for a month or so, but in time, we WILL move on. Instead of doing anything to hurt anyone, find another outlet: rearrange furniture, clean the house, buy a new pair of jeans or something, write a book, go jogging, but don't whack-off your hair and dye it red because you're pissed at your ex. Also, be careful of the bon-bons, sweets, chocolate, and other goodies that will tempt you at this time. Again, find another physical outlet to release your stress and concern.

4. Don't keep talking about him/her with your family and with your friends. They can usually hear about it once or twice, but beyond that, you need to move on and get on with your life. If they bring him/her up to you, say "we had our moments" and then change the subject. Don't go back down that alley. Your future is IN FRONT of you, not in the rear-view mirror.

5. Don't stew in it and sit in a pool of letters, emails, and photographs. If you're struggling to move on, reading all the loving things they wrote to you won't help you get past it. It will keep you mired in it. I'm not going to advocate that you destroy all of their photos and letters. Just box them up and put them some place (careful with Feng Shui) where they serve to TEACH us rather than LOVE us. If you care about Feng Shui, that would mean putting these items in the wisdom/teachers corner of the room/house, not in the love/relationship corner of the house.

6. Don't go out and have sex with new people just to heal your feelings of rejection or loss of love. I recently watched a re-run movie about a woman recovering from divorce during the 1970's and her therapist told her "You don't need to see me anymore, go explore MEN again." Well, the woman did, but in doing so, her first choice was this pig who used her for sex and then treated her poorly later. She cried. He was the wrong choice for her. The next man was a better choice. So, perhaps, you might want to pass over the first opportunity to jump back in bed and instead be very SELECTIVE over who you share your body with. Yes, I know, you have needs and you also may be feeling extra horny because of rejection or loss of love.

But, that's the time people make mistakes, get diseases, get pregnant, or get into another cyclical dysfunctional relationship, and/or other things that they later might live to regret. So, be selective in who you go out with when you go out again. I could take this a step further and say "don't sign up on a dating site" as that would be called "rebounding" but then again, if that's what you want to do, it's what you're gonna do. Just don't use other people, okay? Not for sex, not for "free" meals, and not for companionship when you're lonely.

Now that we've dealt with what NOT to do, let's focus on what positive actions you can take that will help you move on with your life and be open to living and loving as a fully empowered human being again.

What to do now:

1. Release resentment.
2. Be grateful and loving in your release.
3. Do take on new interests related to YOUR core values and what you most want from life.
4. Do spend time healing, nurturing, and feeding yourself.
5. Do make new friends, enjoy your work, enjoy your spiritual disciplines, and enjoy each day.
6. Do go out on new dates (when you are ready and over the grieving period).

1. Release resentment. I know this sounds crazy, but you might be in the mood to hate your ex or say mean things to them or about them. This is not beneficial. Once I've made the decision to move on and give up the idea of reconciling, if I feel the need to talk to her or reach out to her, what I do is write an email to myself. This is where all the resentment, anger, things you don't like, and stuff like that ought to get written down. I put "to xxxx" in the subject line, but when I hit "send" the email only goes to me. Whatever you do, do not violate this rule! Only send it to yourself - nobody else. Now, once you've gotten out the need to talk and say whatever you want to say (and I do say whatever I want to say in those emails!), you're now in a position to wipe the slate clean and show gratitude and other positive things. But DO have the list of resentment, things you didn't like, and what you didn't want from that person. I then save it in a folder with their name so I can go back and read it if I get a moment of weakness.

2. Be grateful and loving in your release. In your heart, be grateful for who this person was for you, what they did for you, in a good way. They were good in many ways. Be grateful. Then, send out the "I thank you for your love, I release you, I love you, so long..." That's healthy, it is hard to do, because when you send the love, you re-energize that love and create a desire to rekindle. But don't rekindle it, just let it go, with gratitude.

3. Do take on new interests related to YOUR core values and what you most want from life. Go back to each of your core values in each area, like family, social, love, relationships, friendships, career, health, spiritual, etc., and make a list of the top 3 - 5 things or ways of being in each of these that you most want. Then realign your life to match that list. That way, you can attract what you seek.

4. Do spend time healing, nurturing, and feeding yourself. Do spend time exercising and being physically active. It is good to ride a bike, go for a walk, swim, and otherwise get and keep yourself in shape. It is possible that you've gotten away from this before the breakup. This time is a perfect time to throw yourself back into a program. Work up to it little by little, more and more each day. That way, you're bettering yourself. Get a spiritual healing. You can cut the cords through a forgiveness exercise (see Belinda Farrell at http://www.hunahealing.com/ to cut the cords of the past if you feel you're stuck anywhere) or you can also go seek out therapy if you're having an especially hard time letting go (if you're going beyond a month or two of grief, seeing a therapist might be a good idea). Also, read a new book.

Investigate travelling to a place you've always wanted to go. Cook tasty meals for yourself, just as you would have before, or maybe even trying out new recipes. I find that breakups are especially good times to learn new dishes to prepare for both myself and for others. It's a great time to become a better cook! So, take time for you, make sure you get your sleep, and know that by keeping active and busy you'll be back on the path to healthy living in short order.

5. Do make new friends, enjoy your work, enjoy your spiritual disciplines, and enjoy each day.

This really is about enjoying life, you know? What if we only get one pass at it? Make sure you enjoy it while you're here! Start finding ways to focus on this as the day we rejoice and be glad in living.

Life can be enjoyable after loss of love. It is up to us whether or not we choose destructive behavior and thought processes or embrace a clean, healthy, and loving start at life again both on our own and with new friends. We can be more successful, create and build new love, and be the person we want to be most when we mend our broken heart and then get back to who we are at our best.

5. Do go out on new dates (when you are ready). Once you feel you are past crying about them and feeling deeply depressed, it is probably time for you to get out and about and start dating new people. However, when you date new people, I'm going to ask you to be selective in who you date. I Make a new list of what you want. And go for people who match that list. In addition, I'm also going to suggest group activities, or group dates. Rather than go off on a dating service, or dating people one-on-one, it might be healthier for a time to do things in groups. That way, you're in a more protected environment and not as vulnerable to make mistakes I talked about above. If you're someone who prefers going one-on-one, then just go slow. You'll be glad you did later.

For additional information on this subject, see:
Healing a Broken Heart
Let Go Of Guilt and Resentment
The Serenity Prayer
How To Know When Its Over
Considering Getting Back Together?
Problem Reconciliating Rejected Now What?

Sponsored program: How To Get Your Ex Back: Click Here!
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.
If you are experiencing a serious relationship problem, we recommend you seek a qualified relationship therapist. This information is guided by the terms and conditions posted at http://www.aspirenow.com.

Relationships and Astrology, with Benjamin Bernstein on AspireNow Radio Show

Join Scott Andrews, Host of the AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self Help Radio Show this Tuesday, May 6, at 5PM PST / 8PM EST with special guest Benjamin Bernstein, astrologer at both http://www.itsallgoodastrology.com/ and http://www.aspirenow.com/.

To Call In: Dial (724) 444-7444.
Enter 37792 # Enter: 1 #
or your Talkshoe PIN

Topic: Relationships and Astrology

Learn about relationships and astrological projections with the host of the top-rated iTunes podcast on Astrology, Benjamin Bernstein, from It's All Good Astrology and the AspireNow AstroGuide.

Call in to ask Benjamin questions!

The show is broadcast live online and via telephone Tuesday night from 5PM PST - 6PM PST.
Learn ways to maximize your relationships with insights from one a knowledgable, fun, and exciting astrologer. Benjamin's shows are always interactive and highly involved, so mark your calendar to join us: It's simple and easy to join in!

When: Tuesday, May 6, 2008, 5PM PST (1 hour Internet Talk Radio Show)

How to Participate:

1. Visit http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/37792 - this enables you to text questions and see questions/live chat during the show, and hear Scott & Benjamin on the show.

2. Dial (724) 444-74443. Enter 37792 # Enter: 1 # or your Talkshoe PIN.

Note: You can also download Talkshoe's Classic player to use the "Classic" version of the show format for text comments and show hosting, although this step is no longer necessary to join.

If you MISS the show, visit http://www.aspirenow.com/ and listen via the Talkshow player, or visit: http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/37792.

Also, make sure to click the "follow the show" box if you're listening from the TalkShoe link: http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/37792. See you there!!
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Dusting Off Old Projects

Do you have any projects left unattended for over a year of more?

If you're trying to manifest and succeed in a given endeavor, it might surprise you how much that weed patch, garage project, or stack of paperwork might be eroding your ability to do what you want and get what you need.

Why not dust off the old projects to bring in new energy?

My suggestion: MAKE (notice, I didn't say FIND) some time to dedicate to these projects this month. May is a great time to clear out anything old and start bringing in something new.

Why May? Well, May is the middle of Spring. It makes since to do a little Spring-cleaning during this time. Not only that, but you'll find the opportunities more abundant for new life during this time, too.

Enter: The Box Project

I recently embarked on a project that's been nagging at me for YEARS: I call it "The Box Project". The Box Project included stacks of bills, invoices, magazines, article ideas, business ideas, newspaper clippings that I'd stacked up over the last three years. I started working on the box project when I was digging for documents to complete my taxes. The problem was that once I'd started the box project, I had papers all over my condo! It was ugly, to say the least.

Do a little bit every day...

One of my strategies to tackle the massive Box Project, which included over 8 boxes of paperwork, included focusing on two or three boxes a day. In the past week, I've knocked down 7 out of the 8 boxes! I have one left, which is the one that will take the most time to sort out, but I still think I can complete that last box during an evening this next week. My condo is CLEAN again!

It's a very fun and empowering thing to do, to complete these projects that nag at our energy.

The next one I'm tackling is the balcony patio, which will probably take me about 1 hour to clean up. So, that one's easy.

Then after that, I'll be reorganizing the garage so that my weight bench area is more functional. See, this is what happens: you'll complete one project, and this will open up ability to do something else you're inspired to do. Cleaning the garage opens up space for the weight bench which offers more opportunity to work out which creates the possibility to get in better shape. The "new" goal is to get in shape. Clearing the space in the garage clears a mess and allows me to achieve that new goal of working out to get in shape more easily. See how it works?

Try knocking down one or two of your own project nags and see if you can't shake the dust off your old projects and then bring in newer, exciting opportunities through the upcoming season ahead!
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Bringing In New Love

So, you went through a break-up? What did you learn? How have you grown? Are you ready to meet someone new?

How can you bring in new love when you still hurt over someone else?

You might be thinking, "No, I'm still loving and hurting the person who I broke things off with (or who broke up with me)."

That feeling may continue for some time. I watched the movie "Swingers" again the other night. Swingers is a funny movie where the main plot is this guy named Mikey is trying to get over his ex-girlfriend, Heather, and in the meantime make it as a comedian in Los Angeles. While he's going through his process, his buddies visit him to commiserate and also prop him up to be the lion he is and get back into the game and meet new women. After all, he was blowing it with new girls six months after the break-up. Some of the situations were painful to watch. One woman, he was kissing, but then started crying and telling her about his ex. Date over. The next one, Nicki, he called her at 2:00 a.m. the same night after meeting her in a bar. Then he called her message machine back to leave another message. He got cut off again. Then he called her again, and again, and again - to the point where the message machine was some sort of twisted therapy, until finally Nicki picked up and said "Mike: don't ever call me again." It got ugly. He then sat in a pool of depression until one day, he decided to pick himself up and be a man again. His good friend pointed out to him "Dude! You're sitting here all sad when there is a blue sky day out there. Life is large. Opportunities are many and varied in this great world we live in. And there are millions of women in the world who would find a guy like you attractive and fun to party with. It is up to us to seize that moment and build upon our success. Nobody hands it to us, but if we open our eyes, and go for it, the world is ours, man! What are you doing stewing over Heather when you broke up with her? Get real! Be true to you and be your best self!" It's an inspiring talk. The next time Mikey went out, it was *on* with a character portrayed by Heather Graham. Mikey danced swing-dancing with Big Bad Voodoo Daddy with the girl, who responded nicely to being twirled by the suddenly debonair renewed Mike- the lessons from way back came back to him, and he had a great time with this new swing-doll. She also "got" his logo and understood what the image was about, when giving him her number. It was a case of mutual attraction. The only question remained, "Would Mikey blow it again, or get right?"

The shift:

Where the big shift happened was when he committed to a course of action towards new beginnings. When he met the character portrayed by Heather Graham, he used a process to instill discipline. Rather than call her back the same night, he put an X on the calendar and marked two days to wait to call her. Funny thing was, he then received a call from the ex-girlfriend, thinking about him, wondering how he was doing. In the middle of the call, Heather Graham calls. What did Mikey do? He hung up on the ex to talk to Heather Graham!

See, new beginnings are always out there, somewhere in the Universe. They are waiting for us and will appear as soon as our heart and energy is open to receive them. Are you reaching out to people around you? Are you going out and embracing new passions?

Examine who you are and be that person:

Life sometimes takes us off the track of who we are the most. Are you serious, or a fun, wild, and crazy guy? Are you a quiet woman or outspoken? Soft or boisterous? Penny-pinching or giving away $ by handfuls? Are you about giving or taking? Are you reaching out or open to people standing in front of you wherever you go? Whoever you are, be that. If you're not sure who you are and what you want, I've got a tremendous life purpose program (e-book) that will help you discover and live your purpose in less than 30 days (just follow the program).

Clear out the old junk and clutter:

I recently embarked to clean out the clutter in my condo. I've been going through all the old boxes, closets, sorting, and cleaning out anything with cobwebs, dust, or disorganization. The process is incredibly empowering! If you're seeking to create a new beginning, I recommend you do this, very much. I've got some other articles on clearing clutter, too.

Take up new hobbies where you meet fun people:

In addition, I recently took up Salsa dancing more seriously. Since I have, I've met numerous attractive, fun people. It's a ton of fun, plus they're really friendly and interested in creating friendship. A couple have even expressed something more... all I can say is I'm getting back in shape, stopped drinking, and having a blast! Are you doing anything like that for your life?

Be open to who appears:

When we create space by clearing out clutter and starting new hobbies, often an opportunity to meet someone new will present itself. Last night, I met someone new who told me "You're really quite interesting. You not only have this incredible company, you're highly talented on the sax, and you're a good dancer. It is impressive to meet a man with such diverse talents." What a charming compliment! It didn't hurt that this compliment came from someone smart, pretty, fun and charming herself! Where will connections like that lead? The choice is up to us, right?

If you're looking to begin new projects, create new relationships, have more fun, and bring in more love into your life, try this simple four-step process:

1. Dig into who you really are and what you really want the most.

Define what you really want most. Go after what you want. Picture it in your mind, and feel how it feels with the emotion of how you will feel when you have it. Picture this with your career, health, spirit, relationships, body, money, and every aspect of life. You'll be surprised how excited you might get about the future.

2. Clear out anything blocking you and clean out space to bring in new energy.

Remove the clutter from the past. Dust the bookshelves. Clean the closets, garage, floors, and walls of your living and work space. Get rid of anything you aren't using or don't have use for. Sell it in a garage sell or take anything else to Goodwill (donate) or throw it away. You don't need unnecessary clutter clogging up your ability to attract new energy, new work, new love, new friendships, and new possessions.

3. Go out and do start new hobbies, take a new class, and embark upon learning new things in a fun group of people.

I find it fun to dance, it is also fun to play my sax in bands again. Do the things you love. Learn things with enthusiasm and zeal. People WILL notice and respond accordingly.

4. Be open to who appears.

Make sure your heart is open, your attitude positive and friendly, your humor and confidence in full swing, and talk to the people who look charming, handsome, or pretty when you go out. And, yes, do go out. You'll be happier when you do. When they talk back, ask them to get coffee, ask them to dance, go skating, bowling, playing golf, whatever, just find something they enjoy and then go do that with them. You never know where it might lead. Be open to the possibilities and enjoy the process.

Bringing in new love may not happen overnight; however, with the right attitude, new love might be just right around the corner...
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Spring Can Represent Joy

Are you experiencing Joy in your life?

When we are sad, unhappy, or dissatisfied with life results, joy often fades.

What can we do to get JOY back?

Well, just like the seasons, sometimes after the cold winter and dying out of the old plant life, new seedlings take hold. When these new seedlings sprout up, the new plants, flowers, and trees grow and begin to bloom. I've noticed that many of these bloom in Spring, and others pop-up in Summer. Spring heralds the opportunity for new life.

If you've experienced a valley, gone through a relationship struggle, felt stagnated, or even died a little death inside, perhaps May 1 is a time you can embrace the NEW LIFE awaiting you.

Last night, I went to a spiritual healer's house to discover what type of healing they offered. During my healing, I noticed as they went over each area of my chakra, they discovered the areas out of alignment and also mentioned what they wanted to bring in. The result: they brought me back to my core power and brought me back to what I most want to be in this world: a happy, fun, playful, joyful person who shares that joy and fun with others!

Be who you really are...

Hallelujah! Sometimes, we forget who we are. We get all serious. we get bogged down in the "bummer" moments of life. But that's not what life is all about! Life is about playing, having fun, experiencing, making love, dancing, laughing, and savoring the beauty in each moment.

I'm going out today seeking new JOY in each moment.

What joy can you experience with your life?
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.