Are you tapping into your deepest creativity?
Many people don't. But, we ALL have an artist within us...
Do you have skills with paint? Music? Photography? Dance?
There are so many ways to be creative. For example, even if you're known to be a song-writer, musician, and singer, you can get "outside-the-box" and open up to even deeper levels of creativity.
As an example of getting outside of expectations, take David Byrne. Byrne led the music band Talking Heads for over two decades. The band had many hits, including "Take Me To The River", "Burning Down The House", and more.
Recently, I discovered this video about Byrne wiring up a building and playing the building. I believe it was an old building in New York City.
Check it out:
My point is this: no matter what you do or where you've been, you can embrace and find NEW ways of being artful. Ask yourself "What have I always wanted to do to EXPRESS MYSELF?" Then follow that path!
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
How Creative Are You Living?
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
"Get What You Want Now" with Jessica Haynes on AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self-Help Show
"How To Get What You Want Now" with Jessica Haynes, Business and Relationship Consultant, on the AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self-Help Show:
Join me at 5PM PST / 8PM EST on Tuesday, July 15, 2008, for a special talk with Jessica Haynes on "How To Get What You Want Now" on the AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self-Help Show.
To Participate On The Show:
1. Dial (724) 444-7444 enter 37792 to call in, listen, and/or ask questions.
2. Visit http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/37792 to text questions and get chat during show.
Jessica and I will be discussing the following topics during our hour together:
- How to have lasting relationships;
- How to stop repeating old patterns that hold you back; and
- How to find inner fulfillment, peace of mind, and a secure future.
It's time to live your dreams in the next hour. Get ready for a lot of refreshing ideas, breakthrough perspectives, and enlightening moments.
Jessica uses both her clinical psychology background and her highly intuitive skills. In 1983, Jessica had a near death experience. The insights she gained from dying and coming back began to attract clients from across the nation. She turned her attention from that of being a top marketing executive to coaching and helping others reach their dreams and goals. Jessica will share her amazing story. She will also give you the positive ripple-effect that continues to help people around the globe.
Call in and ask questions - it's simple and easy to join in!
If you MISS this show, listen to the show player right here after broadcast:
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.
Monday, July 14, 2008
The #1 Biggest Relationship Mistake
This mistake can turn good relationships into ugly relationships in rather short order. Not only that, but commit this relationship mistake often, and you're on a path to separation, for sure.
What is the mistake couples make that can cause such destruction?
The #1 Biggest Relationship Mistake Couples Make:
Building a case against each other.
It happens, from time to time, in relationships, that someone was wronged. Unfortunately, when they are wronged, they get a perspective that they need to simply state their case clearly enough, and their partner ought to "hear" them, validate their concern, admit they were wrong, and life can go on as it was: honky dory, right?
I wish I'd known about the Magic Relationship system for building true love before I made that mistake, for sure!
How about you? Are you guilty of building a case against each other?
Here's my question for you:
Are you trying to build a case against your partner, or trying to build common ground together and connect with them?
If you're building a case, you're more than likely just pushing them further and further away from you. If you build a case, you damage your partner's self-esteem. And, when the self-esteem is hurt, that causes the kind of pain that sends people running away from each other!
When someone builds a case against you, what is your natural tendency behavior mechanism in response? RIGHT: to get defensive and try to find things wrong with THEM! How does that solve anything? All this results in is pushing each other away from each other.
Typically, when you start building facts to make a case against your partner, you don't resolve a damned thing.
Not only that, but if each time you try to reconnect, you bring up something even remotely related to anything that previously sounded like "the case" against your partner, and you'll just send them in fear/flight mode further away from you. If you communicate directly with them, you're likely to receive a cooler reception than you hope for - maybe even outright hostility.
Why is that?
Have you ever seen a frightened animal when it is cornered? The animal will typically FIGHT first, then if (or more likely when) the animal determines it CAN'T WIN or will get HURT WORSE then animal FLEES.
We hope that by building a case we will get heard and our partner will admit they are wrong, realize how much they love us and are so lucky to have someone who will still love them even though they messed up so bad, and they'll come running back into our arms to kiss and make up.
Well, this isn't typically what happens. In one of my own relationships, I found that by making a case, I pushed her away. Further, when I tried to reconcile, she rejected me. Last, when I kept trying to get "heard" she finally cut off all communication. How is that productive? I blew it. It caused both me AND her a lot of pain and frustration. Sure, she contributed, but when I OWN MY PART in the problem, I can say I truly blew it. Can you relate?
As someone with a goal to become a "masterful" communicator, I strove to learn from my failure. The main thing is to realize when we make communication mistakes, and then not make them in the future. In other words: learn from mistakes, and correct them in future situations.
To the woman I hurt: if you read this, I'm sorry. I loved you. I blew it. I hope you realize some day I was just trying to get heard. You deserved better communication from me. I hope you are happy and I truly send you nothing but gratitude and love for the good times and good things we DID share together. Thank you!
Maybe in the future, I will reconnect with this person, and will rediscover a long-lost friend. Time has a way of healing hurt feelings. In the meantime, I'll learn from my mistakes. How about you?
Next time you feel yourself building up facts and building a case against your partner, STOP. Take a breath, and ask yourself three questions:
What is THEIR role in this that they may not have intended?
What can I do to see this from their perspective and put my perspective at rest?
What can I do to reconnect and build a bridge back to love?
When we're looking for ways to CONNECT with others, we usually seek out COMMON GROUND. We need to find ways to relate, share the same words, and get our eyes focused the same way on the problem. If we can do that, we CAN find a way through to the resolution of the problem.
If you find yourself NODDING through this article or relating and thirsting for more wisdom like this, I'd like to recommend a powerful relationship coaching system that utilizes a 4-step cure to problems like "The Biggest Mistake We Make In Relationships = Building A Case" developed over the past few years by my affiliate partners, Paul Sterling and Kristin Denton. The Magic Relationship System Paul and Kristin developed is one of the best I've seen. Their system is based on Marshall Rosenberg's "Non-violent Communication" along with other systems Paul and Kristin discovered mitigate relationship conflict and bring two lovers closer together.
You can poke around, learn more, and sign-up for their system all through this link:
Get the Magic Relationship System
Enjoy! Best of success to you in building true love!
Comment below to discuss your own challenges in building a case.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. The A-Blog offers more articles like this.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Hands Free Cell Phones
For those of you who've followed me since the dawn of AspireNow.com, you probably know that I'm an advocate of SMART cell phone use. However, cell phones are causing some disturbing trends. One health trend is the impact of cell phones on our health - notably increased cancer, which I discussed back in 2001. Another is cell phones and wireless or Bluetooth connections - do you ever feel like you're speaking with a "Borg" from Star Trek when someone has a Bluetooth strapped on their ear? It's kind of freaky, huh! Yet another peeve: text messaging while driving. Yeah, I've been guilty of that one myself.
Well, living in California, the new thing is "hands-free" use of the cell phone. This guideline is because of a new law enacted in California, effective July 1 of this year.
In honor (ahem) of that law, I've decided to share a humorous video that points out the shortcomings (or over-stepping) of this law. Enjoy:
I have to admit: I don't really like laws that legislate personal freedom. And, to me, talking on the cell phone in the car is a personal freedom - IF you can handle it. Many people can't, thus, the law limiting freedom. It's kind of like drinking and driving, minus the booze, plus a gadget.
Just remember, a law is supposed to help keep people safer. The idea isn't to keep you from using your hands on the cell, but to discourage cell phone use in the car, completely. However, you can still HOLD the phone with it on speaker, or dial and then put the phone on your dash. Worse yet, you can still TEXT while you drive!
My Mother pointed out to me that people are almost as distracted from having a CONVERSATION as they are from holding a phone to their head. Even worse, have you seen someone swerving on the road, then pull up next to them only to see them texting their friend, obviously with their eyes on the screen rather than the road? So, sure, observe the law. But, be smart with your technology. After all, your life is much more important than that phone call, text message, or twitter post you want to ping to your website!
For full details of the "hands-free" law in California, visit the DMV website.
Learn more about living the lifestyle of your dreams at AspireNow's Elegant Simplicity.
Comment to weigh in (below).
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Borg image from Star Trek provided courtesy of Wikipedia. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
When Life Feels Like Failure
Ever have a bad day?
Sometimes, we all have days that could go better than others. During those days, it sometimes seems that life feels like failure. Can you relate?
Whether it be loss of a friend, being "under the weather", a break-up, loss of a job, or just people or life not quite working out the way we'd hoped, sometimes we are apt to experience "down" days. If you're human, it will happen.
The best thing to do when you're having one of those "bummer" days is to follow this process:
1. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and process what that means to you.
2. Give yourself a moment to breathe and remember you're alive now and alive for good reason!
3. Start moving, creating, building, and doing something again as soon as possible.
4. Be grateful for the opportunity in front of you!
Each step of this process to pull yourself from a bad day and change it to a good day is important. When we give our self permission to experience emotion, we give our self a chance to process and move forward, rather than stay stuck in the past or the present moment. When we take a fresh stock and remember life is an opportunity, not a bummer, we can start to re-frame our hopes for a brighter tomorrow. By moving, creating, building, and/or taking action we give new energy to our body, our being, and the natural chemicals this releases will boost our mood. When we express gratitude for this opportunity we gain insight into the spiritual underbelly of our mission.
Here is a perspective on FAILURE by Michael Jordan, the famous Chicago Bulls' basketball player:
If you're feeling a bit like life is a bummer today, go through the process. It's okay to fail, as long as we fail successfully! Don't worry - it won't last forever. Usually, a down mood lasts just a few hours or a day. Tomorrow is a new day! Embrace each day with the fullness of life in front of you and you'll live a more happy and fulfilled life.
See, if we are not failing, we aren't LIVING enough. So, embrace the failure! Learn from it. Then succeed next time you take the court, so to speak.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Listen to Michelle Casto on AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self-Help Show
Check it out: Dr. Michelle L. Casto, Author and Life Coach talks with Scott on the AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self-Help Show this week.
In this week's show, Scott interviewed Michelle Casto about "How To Use Enlightened Thought To Create Your Reality." Knowing how your mind works is a great advantage in the modern world, especially since it creates your reality. Whether it is a happy and successful reality is entirely up to you. In this thought-provoking show led by Dr. Michelle L. Casto, the Soul coach, you will learn the difference between "default thinking" and "enlightened thinking". You will learn how to use your mind power to literally move the mountains of challenges in your life and ascend to the top of YOUR success and happiness mountain.
Listen at this link or visit http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/37792 for more details on the show!
Monday, July 7, 2008
The Key To Success
I've discovered the KEY to success in life endeavors. Yes, upon evaluation, you will discover that this secret is, indeed, the root underneath pretty much all success in your life fulfillment.
Are you seeking success at work?
Are you striving for a happy relationship?
Are you seeking a healthy body?
Do you want more friends?
Do you want more money?
Guess what I discovered is the KEY to SUCCESS for EACH of these things we want in life?
PERSPECTIVE.
That’s right. It is our perspective that determines the outcome of success in any endeavor we pursue.
The statistics on the impact of perspective on our success can range from 42% to as much as 300% difference. In some businesses, 4% separates the best from the worst. In sports, it can be ONE GAME that separates the team that doesn't make the playoffs to the team that wins the title. And that ONE GAME can be turned by ONE PLAY.
Imagine a basketball team that lost half their games last year. They fire the coach. The next year, they bring in a new coach who implements a new perspective. The team adopts a perspective that they can win every game. They built a belief system that by following a basic basketball system, by practicing good basics and implementing discipline towards success, and by adopting an attitude that no matter what, they’ll be competitive in every game and can win ALL of their games. The next year, the coach’s team goes on to win 80% of their games and take the title.
What’s the difference?
Is it that one coach knew more about basketball than the other? Probably not. Usually, one coach just knows how to shift and implement perspective better than the other coach. When the team has a perspective that they can and will win their games, they usually work harder, practice longer, and initiate proactive disciplines (taking shots after a game where they missed the game-winner, for example) that produce more success than their opponents. It really is that simple.
Let’s take another look at two perspectives someone could have with a job at a company that is struggling to succeed. The environment is stressful and people have been quitting. The first perspective looks like this:
“This company is struggling, but still offers great services to our customers. Sure, several of my friends have moved on and left the company, but I’ll make new friends and they’ll probably bring in new people in the months ahead who can be my new friends, too. Although the company is struggling, I think this is an opportunity. The people who demonstrate a positive attitude and success now will be rewarded by management after we pass through this transition. I’ll focus on the positive and experience success in my job and this will bring good things to me in this career.”
Or the second perspective, which looks like this:
“This company sucks! Jon, Margaret, and Ed have all left. My friends are all gone. Putting effort into this company is going to be a waste of time when I could thrive in a different company by going someplace better.”
I, myself, was once in this situation. When I took the latter attitude, my job really did suck. One day, I decided that my problem wasn't the company, but more rather my perspective on the situation with the company. Yes, the company WAS in bankruptcy. Yes, 75% of the sales team had left for competitors and other opportunities. But, rather than change jobs, I adopted the first perspective and stepped it up at the company I was employed at. The difference? I turned it around from where I made $54K one year to making $128K the next. The difference in my success? My PERSPECTIVE.
Let’s say you’re in a relationship. Imagine two different perspectives. The first looks like this:
“This will never work. I have doubts about whether we can make it. He doesn't do this. He says this. He acts this way. I can’t feel like xxx with him.”
Or the second, which looks like this:
“This is going to work. Our love is so strong, it can see us through anything. Yes, we have differences, but I see the ways we’re in common as matching in so many ways, and our differences make us stronger as a team. Although he doesn't always do what I want, we communicate and we’re taking steps towards a happier relationship every day…”
Which perspective do you think is going to remain married and which do you think will end up in divorce or separation?
I see couples who use the first perspective, and guess what? They ALWAYS end up breaking up. The problem is the PERSPECTIVE the couple holds towards their relationship.
I also see couples, like my sister and her husband, who have the latter perspective. They just experienced their 25th wedding anniversary this year. They have a perspective that they're good together, the love each other, and even when they disagree that they'll see it through. Their perspective is half the battle of success in their marriage!
If you’re in a relationship that is struggling, are one or both of you taking the point of view that it may not work out? If so, you've got a problem. On the other hand, do you see your relationship from a point of view of “Yes, we can do this, no matter what?!” If so, you’ll probably see it through until they plant you in the ground.
It is the same thing with losing weight or developing a healthier body. I noticed my own attitude towards my body was that I was just heavier and needed to work out and needed more exercise and needed to eat healthier, but I until I willing to make the change to make the shift from dream to reality nothing happened to make me look better.
When I shifted my perspective to realize the reality: “This food will impact how much I weigh if I eat it, and if I exercise a little every day, then I’ll reach my optimum weight and look better…” that is when I started to lose weight and get back in shape. Perspective matters with our body, too.
When I compare people who have many friends with people who have few friends, most of those with more friends reach out to people everywhere they go and see people as “basically good, helpful to know, and happy they are in my life” whereas those with fewer friends often have the attitude that “People let me down, hurt me, and judge me unfairly.” The person with happier, healthier friendships is the person who looks for the good in others and gives that same good out everywhere they go. Again, it is their perspective that create their good fortune in friendships.
If you want more money and financial abundance, I’d ask you, "What is your perspective on money?"
Do you believe that you don’t need money? Are you willing to risk all of your money for an endeavor? Then you might go through your money. Take the view point that you can succeed, grow money, and get the work you need to manifest abundance, and you’ll likely discover your bank account is fatter in six months, six years, or longer. Why? A perspective that money is flowing to you and you are growing richer every day will permeate through you and resonate with those around you who want more success, financially, too!
So, if you’re going through life and wondering why you’re realizing happiness and fulfillment or whether you’re struggling to get what you want from life, maybe the problem isn't so much the circumstances and challenges that come your way, but more rather the PERSPECTIVE you adopt towards maximizing your happiness and fulfillment. Adopt a perspective of a winner, of someone who CAN make it and WILL make it, of someone who is healthy, happy, and treated well by others, and you’ll get more of those things. As Jean Luc Picard, the Captain of the Starship Enterprise used to say on Star Trek, The Next Generation, “Make it so!"
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Speak Up - Don't Bite Your Tongue
Dating & Relationship Advice:
Are You Speaking Up Or Biting Your Tongue?
Don’t expect your partner to be a “mind-reader” in order to understand your thoughts.
Some people have selling skills. Others are analytical. Some are intuitive and emotional, others discern and use logic well. We are all different. And, with these differences, many of them might augment and improve our relationship by making us stronger together than we are apart. However, some of our differences are bound to frustrate us, from time to time.
Despite your strengths that may or may not match in a relationship, you may find times where you and your partner simply don’t see eye to eye. Hey, it's human!
The key question in relationships is: “How will you deal with those moments when you are not feeling heard or experiencing frustrating thoughts?”
Do you sweep them under the rug? Do you hope your partner will read your mind and just magically change?
Think of this: doing nothing is rarely a solution. Doing nothing merely delays the inevitable. Would it be healthier to wait and be reactive, or to deal with this now, proactively?
AspireNow's philosophy in a nutshell: be proactive, not reactive.
Say something positive to your partner, then suggest the concern, and a way that both of you might help improve the situation. Don’t just come up with concerns, bring solutions, too: be proactive. But don’t let the issue sit and fester, please don’t expect your partner to be a mind-reader, and for Pete’s sake, don’t sweep it under the rug and pretend it will magically resolve without any effort from both of you.
You might think, “But, Scott, if I bring this up, won’t we get in an argument?” My answer: Possibly, yes, you might. But consider this:
“Married couples who report they never argue with each other are 35 percent more likely to divorce within four years than are couples who report regularly disagreeing.” (Vaughn 2001).
Considering this fact about relationships that make it vs. those that don't, I’d suggest that opening up and sharing, even with the risk of arguing, is healthier than biting your tongue and hoping for the best.
I remember my ex-wife had this expectation that we would never argue. “My Mom and Dad never argued in front of us kids when we were young, Scott. It isn't healthy to argue!” she would say. Of course, we only argued about once in four months, so I did not see that as a big problem. However, her attitude probably didn't help us stay together, in retrospect.
Of course, you want support. Sure, you want comfort. It would help resolve the trying situation, right? You want your partner to understand your concern, understand the difficulty you face, and understand how to make you feel better. How do you make sure your partner understands your concern?
Are you concerned about money? Are you concerned about sharing interests? Are you concerned about how you’re raising kids together? Are you concerned about how often you’re having sex or experiencing intimacy? In relationships we WILL discover many concerns that we OUGHT to share with each other. The question is, do we make the effort to communicate and share proactively with each other to bring potential future problems out and take positive steps to resolve them?
If we pretend that our partner will magically discover the our concern, but haven’t openly discussed it or aired the matter, then we are being DECEPTIVE with our partner. It simply isn't fair to expect a partner to be what we want or do what we want without expressing those desires.
Now, let me ask you: “What are the odds of long-term relationship success if you’re deceiving your partner?”
You’ll reduce the odds of your long-term success by being less than up-front about your concern.
When you need support, explain the situation clearly, with positive reinforcement of why you love them in front and in back of the concern.
At the same time, if your partner brings up a concern to you, what do you do to validate and hear your partners concerns?
Do you practice active listening?
Resolving a conflict is much like surgery. You have to first dress the wound area and clean it. You must acknowledge there is a wound. Then you must clean the wound and get it ready for surgery. Then you take a step towards fixing the injury by cutting out the offending item or repairing the problem. Next, you stitch up the wound, and bandage it with proper materials so that it doesn't get reinfected. Last, you schedule a follow-up visit to make sure the wound healed properly.
Healthy conflict resolution:
- Have you repeated back their concern and demonstrated that you heard them?
- Have you looked for the "dream inside" of the conflict? If you can find the dream inside, you can often shift your perspective to match theirs and give yourself a chance at resolving the conflict more quickly.
- Have you discussed, together, possible remedies and small steps you might take to resolve the problem? If you resolve your conflict using similar approaches, you're more likely to have success with the problem.
- Have you taken to address the root NEED that is identified by the concern brought up?
- Have you both agreed that the issue was heard, taken to heart, and if possible, put to rest?
- Have you given reassurance of your love together to close the wound and leave it healthy?
- Did you give yourself a "relationship check-up" and follow up two weeks later to make sure that the issue was resolved to satisfaction?
Follow this list and you'll resolve more conflicts, for sure.
I experienced what it feels like to discover that my partner had a concern but let months – even years – go by without airing these concerns to me. When you discover this after the fact, you’re left wondering “How much better could things have been had they simply communicated!” Communicate with your partner - you'll save pain down the road, for sure.
I also experienced how it feels to share a concern about how we might improve our relationship, only to have my partner continue with the behavior that made it difficult to be together and put a strain on our interactions. Or, even worse, I've had a partner take a concern, twist it back around to be about me, then leave me feeling attacked, raw and invalidated, when I was just trying to resolve something to make the relationship better. When you experience this sort of invalidation from your partner over a prolonged period of time, you’re bound to build up frustration. It might even lead to a break-up. So, before things get to a boiling point, if you hear your partner expressing a concern and it IS something you could resolve with some minor changes in behavior, why not validate their concern and take some action towards a positive experience together?
In studies of marriages of various lengths, couples with a high degree of intimacy between the husband and wife – that is, couples who shared their innermost thoughts – were 62 percent more likely to describe their marriage as happy (Pallen 2001).
The choice is yours whether to build a relationship on total honesty, respect, good communication, and love.
At the heart of true love is better communication and healthy conflict resolution. Are you missing the mark but want true love? Change how you communicate, improve how you resolve conflicts, and you’ll improve the love you feel.
Sources:
Pallen, R. 2001. “Intimacy, Need Fulfillment, and Violence in Marital Relationships.” Ph.D. dissertation, University of Arkansas.
Vaughn, L. 2001. “The Relationship Between Marital Satisfaction Levels Associated with Participation in the Free and Hope-Focused Marital Enrichment Program,” Ph.D. dissertation, Regent University.
_______________________________________________________Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
In Love But Not Together?
Are you separated from the love with your partner? Perhaps you know that you may still be the one, long-term, for each other, but you are not together at this time. Such separation can be a painful process to endure for the person reaching out and frustrating or pressuring to the person who stepped back to take the action they need to take to be a "whole" partner in relationship.
Sometimes, even though we are meant to be together, long-term, there are things that will separate us, short-term, from our lover and best friend.
Maybe one person is working in one city for their career and the other person needs to be somewhere else, perhaps with the kids or doing something else for their career.
Maybe you had an argument or problem in the relationship and need time apart to heal or find a solution to the problem.
Maybe one person doesn't yet fully realize the potential of the two of you together.
One person may be on a quest to build their self-esteem and rediscover who they are before they can rejoin the other as a true team in equality.
Whatever the reason, it is hard to endure being in love but not being together. This is hard for the person who is reaching out their hand, as they yearn to be together, but must exercise restraint and understanding. It is hard for the person who stepped away, because they struggle to explain why they cannot be together and must focus on their need at this time, almost selfishly, in order to complete the whole of the union over the long-term.
I think when you're the person reaching out (or left behind), you need to ask yourself if you are truly committed to the love you feel for your partner, and truly committed to the choice of action required to be patient and see your partner through on their journey. If you are not committed, pull away, and let your heart heal. However, if you ARE committed, then continue to hold POSITIVE thoughts for the relationship. Continue to live as if you are committed and TOGETHER, even though you are not together. Do not engage in new love affairs or sexual trysts to try to heal the loneliness you feel. Just focus on living YOUR best life and building the best place in your heart, mind, and soul for your partner to come back to.
Consider sending something like this to your partner:
I'm in support of your highest good.
I'm here for you whenever you need me.
I honor you and your journey.
This way, when your partner has completed this leg of their journey and either found healing in their heart towards you, or they've discovered their self-esteem and realized their love for you again, or they've completed their work assignment and now can return to be with you; whatever the situation, you'll be ready for them.
If you are the partner who is being distant or has pulled away or left for your career, I will suggest to you that you be sensitive towards the partner who is expressing they still love you and still want to be with you. In your communication with them, you might not want to say anything "final" or "severing" in your words. Try to use words that indicate a temporary status and that this is about your journey. Ask them to support your highest good, and support their highest good, too.
Consider sending them something like this to explain:
I am taking time to (insert whatever issue you are sorting out). I still love you and this is likely just a step in my journey, and our journey together. I support your highest good and ask that you support my highest good, too.
Once you have worked through your issue, time apart, self-esteem, healing, or temporary career adjustment, come back to your partner. When you re-engage, let them know how much you love them and appreciate their support they gave you while you went away. Remember, many people will disconnect and give up just because you can't be together. The person who waits is someone who truly loves you, indeed. Be grateful for that love and never take it for granted!
Other things that may help you through this time include prayer, meditation, physical exercise, and doing healthy things to improve your life.
It isn't always easy to be in love, but not together, but you can do it if this relationship is truly what you want from love, dating, and friendship in your significant other.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
The Dating and Relationship Integrity Quiz
Are you expressing integrity in your dating and relationships?
Even if you *think* you're expressing integrity in your relationships, you might not be. How can you know? Take the following quiz I created this week, then review my comments below on how to improve your actions in integrity to better improve the love you wish to enjoy:
The Relationship Integrity Quiz
1. If you have any misgivings about your relationship, you:
a. Continue to put forth a face that you're committed in the relationship to your partner and sweep the concern under the rug, hoping it will go away with time.
b. End the relationship. Misgivings are a sure sign that the relationship will fail.
c. Ask your partner to "talk" and express the concerns you have openly.
d. Tell your friends about it, but leave your partner in the dark.
2. When your partner brings up a concern, do you
a. Listen, then immediately change to please them.
b. Ignore them. They are always whining about something or another.
c. Hear them, validate what they've said (clarify to ensure you understand), and then come to an agreement about small steps that each partner might take to help better meet their needs in the area they brought up.
d. Deflect the concern back onto them and immediately point out something in them that annoys you, too.
3. You've noticed that you've gone 2 weeks without having sex or expressing a prolonged intimacy (and nothing is going on with your health that would have precluded this). You:
a. Laugh it off. Oh, sex, it's just a small part of dating or being married.
b. Express concern and tell your partner to put up or get out.
c. Discuss the situation with your partner. Ask them if they can think of reasons why expressing physical intimacy might have slipped to the back burner, and proactively find ways to create time to be more intimate.
d. 2 weeks? That's all? Try two months, 2 years, or 2 decades, baby!
4. Your partner asks for a certain type of attention. You respond by:
a. Yawn. They always want that gushy stuff. I've got more serious things to do with life like provide for the family, man!
b. Tell them that you always give them that, why are they complaining?
c. Listen, then make a note to start to show appreciation and attention in the way they requested. You follow-up in two weeks to see if they've noticed the ways you're now showing appreciation for them.
d. Tell them that they need to show you attention, too. Maybe then you could give them what they want. Why don't they do (xyz...) for you? Sheez!
5. Your partner says that they are irritated because you're talking over them. You respond by:
a. Interrupting and telling them they don't know what they're talking about.
b. Ignoring them. What they say isn't really that important, anyway.
c. Listening, apologizing, then making a point to let them speak and hearing them out before putting your thoughts out there into the conversation.
d. Laugh it off. They just don't know a poet when they hear one!
6. You're trying to include your partner in various aspects of your life dreams: family, interests, friends, work, and so forth. They demonstrate either a lack of interest or the experience is even negative. You:
a. Tell them that if they love you they have to love....(xyz interest/dream)
b. Dump them! They ought to accept and love the same stuff you do, after all.
c. Talk about the concern and determine if there is a reason they expressed a negative or lack of interest in the dream you want to realize. Discuss options of doing small things in the future to make the situation more enjoyable for both of you.
d. Blow it off. They like some things, but you'll just do your own thing anyway! That's why there's shopping, sports, poker night, and girl's night out, baby!
7. Your partner crossed you in public on an issue that there was no apparent reason for them to not back you on. You:
a. Tell them they are rude and yell at them.
b. End the relationship. How dare they!
c. Discuss the concern. Find out why they crossed you. Discuss ways to make sure they show respect for you in the future, and how you can both better respect each other.
d. Ignore them or point out how they crossed you just 5 minutes earlier. So they beat you to it, so what?
8. If you've expressed that you are dating each other exclusively or in a committed relationship, and you find your partner has a voice mail, a note, or other suspicious behavior going on, you:
a. Blow up! How could they cheat on you!
b. Dump them. There's no place for infidelity in any relationship.
c. Ask them what is going on with the message, note, or activity. Discuss what they are looking for in the present relationship that might be missing or could be improved. Then, take actions to give more of that. Follow-up with them in two weeks to find out if things are better so that they don't feel the need to encourage outside distractions.
d. Flirt with someone else as soon as they leave. That will teach them!
9. Your partner expresses concern about your friends, children, or parents. You:
a. Tell them "It's my life. Complain now you might as well walk out forever!"
b. End the relationship. Your family and friends are more important than this partner, anyway.
c. Discuss the concern, hear their issue, validate their concern, and agree to take small steps towards improving the situation with them. Follow-up in two weeks to see how things are progressing.
d. My friends? My kids? My parents? Oh My God! You should see theirs!!
10. You're finding your self either giving too much money or taking money from your partner in ways you didn't originally think you would. You:
a. Keep giving (or taking). Hey, it's a dog-eat-dog world, baby.
b. End the relationship. People ought to be equal, not give or take too much.
c. Discuss what's going on with material things. Discover the root of the issue, and find small steps to improve and grow finances and possessions together as a team. Follow-up in a brief time to see how things are getting better.
d. They DO take from me. I'll just take something of theirs, silly.
*****
Okay, so you've completed the quiz. Now, I want you to notice how I structured this quiz.
If you find your responses in the "C" category on each of these questions, then you're handling your relationship with integrity. You're clearly communicating well, resolving conflicts as good as most people, and making progress in your relationship. Right on!! The "C" answers in this quiz are the healthiest way I could think of in each situation to maximize (a) validating each other's concerns, (b) resolving conflict proactively, (c) developing more honesty, intimacy, and integrity, and (d) growing closer together over time.
If you found any or many of your answers outside the "C" category, I'll point out what each of the other categories can get you and what they mean:
"A" answers: Answers to the Integrity Quiz are one of two flavors: Passive responses that indicate you'll hope the problem will just solve itself, or Aggressive answers that cause more flame-ups. If you found yourself answering "A" often, you need to look at your communication style. If your style is Passive, then you're likely going to feel somewhat repressed over time and resentments will build up towards your partner. This is a breach of integrity. You need to come forth, listen more actively, and take more action towards healthy give-and-take in your relationship. You need to communicate more openly and say what you want. Rather than just trying things, get to the root of why you are trying and operate in a new way.
If your style is Aggressive, you need to ask if the aggression serves you and your partner? More than likely, your style is repressing your partner and creating more conflict than resolution. Aggression, out of control, is not integrity in dating or relationships. Find why you respond with anger or yelling and discover ways of communicating that validate both you and your partner and you'll build more integrity in your relationship.
"B" answers: If your answers are predominantly "B", then you have a real issue with commitment. Your first reaction to problems is to run away or dump your partner. If you're choosing this option, you're not really choosing to have integrity in your relationships, despite whatever you think. Instead, you're choosing to act like you're right, and making everyone else wrong. Instead of running away or cutting bait, why not find ways to validate, hear, learn, act proactively, and grow more integrity in commitment with your relationship? You'll find your relationship will be more healthy if you learn these skills.
"D" answers: If your answers are predominantly "D", you are acting in a way that is completely self-centered and out of integrity with your relationship. You either think you're right or have such low self-esteem that you're treating others disrespectfully and not really resolving anything. Your deflection of concerns is a mask for this. In addition, you aren't "owning" your partners concerns. In many cases, you out-and-out act out anyway just to prove you can. It is amazing your partner is still with you, frankly. If you want a healthy relationship, you might consider learning more about "C" answers and how to develop respect, trust, and real love in your relationship.
If you're finding some of your answers straying outside of "C" answers, why not take a fresh look at how you manage your relationship and see if there isn't room for improvement. Many people can have and grow the love they seek simply by committing to and taking small steps each day towards each other, resolving conflicts in a healthy way, and growing towards each other in love.
If you enjoyed this article, you may also enjoy:
The Intimacy, Love, and Dating Scale, by Jessica Haynes
What Makes A Person Great, by Scott Andrews
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