Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Getting Through a Health Scare

Have you ever had a severe illness or injury where you were concerned you might be in trouble with your health?

My Dad had this happen the last couple of days.

He's had a heart attack before, about 6 years ago, and needed stints put in his heart. Now, many people tell me that if it's the heart that is one of the better medical things to deal with these days, with the fact that there are so many procedures to get around blocked arteries and all of those things.

It still affects you, though. I mean, I love my Dad. If something were to happen to him, I'd be very upset. I just know it. He is a spiritual guide. He is wise. He is one of my best friends. When I once was faced with a situation where I thought my Dad would disown me (yeah, I'd really done it this time!) my Dad looked at me, teary-eyed, and said, "it would take more than that to take you away from me," and then hugged me with this huge bear hug. I realized, right then, exactly how much my Dad truly loves me.

If you've lost a family member, you may know what it's like to wish you could say something to them... to go back. Well, what if we lived each day SAYING those things. Okay, maybe not EVERY day, but why not say it often?

One of my new friends this year, Ken, recently started the website, for the purpose of helping people show more love while they are ALIVE and with us. It is important to show how much we care on occasions outside of the holidays and birthdays.

In my family, we all pretty much have developed a habit of saying "I love you" at the end of phone calls. What some might call "sappy" I have come to realize is for real.

Although everyone in my family was concerned about this latest scare, after running tests, it appears that although his blood pressure was low, that indeed it is a torn chest muscle, and not the heart. WHEW! So, I have good news today.

What did I do during all of this? I went to the hospital, and talked with Dad for a while. I check back on him twice, and talked to the Doctor about releasing him from the hospital. I waited until Mom showed up to take him home. I did as much work as I could from there, in the cafeteria. I rescheduled my radio shows to tomorrow. It just takes energy to deal with hospitals, you know? And, radio shows take time. So, I made a decision and pushed the shows out by a day. Would you do the same thing or would you have gone on with your normal show? If you'd been dealt with a scare, don't wait for the person you love to be gone to spend time with them, tell them you love them, and show them the ways you care for them. Make the effort now. Make the effort today. Please trust me when I share that you will not regret it one iota.

Love is summed up on this day for me by being dutiful. By giving, rather than taking, by being there when it mattered, even though it may have only been a scare - or even a little thing. It is, after all, the small things that often get remembered. I think my brother or sister would have done the same, had they been closer. I once asked my sister how I can grow back closer to my nephew. She said something really wise to me that day, "Well, Scott, it's all about time. Kids judge how much you love them by the time you spend with them." How true.

Is it really any different for adults?

We need to spend time with the people we love. Writing a letter, sending an email, going fishing together, going shopping together like the trips my Mom has initiated the day after Thanksgiving, spending meals together, praying together... all of these moments are the opportunities that we can always look back upon and cherish as the memories of the good times in life, when life mattered most.

This article is by Scott Andrews, Founder of AspireNow ( He offers an audio program and e-book on "The Keys To Discovering Your Purpose" and also has authored "31 Success Secrets of Millionaire Superstars" e-book, and other coaching services available through AspireNow. He also offers masterful ways of building collaboration in enterprise environments through ARRiiVE Business Solutions (

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Dating 101 (for MEN): Give Them Something To Talk About

Dear Men:

Are you curious to know what women want? I wrote an article, posted at, on this various subject.

Well, it starts with what you look like. But, then beyond that, you have to spark something in her imagination. And that starts with what conversations you talk about first.

According to Plenty of Fish (, the following are the top 10 conversation starters women WANT to talk about:

POF Women’s Top Ten Favorite Conversation Topics:

1. Hopes and aspirations
2. Hobbies/interests in general
3. Music
4. Dreams
5. Romance
6. Friends
7. Travel
8. Vacations
9. Movies
10. Entertainment

So, consider asking a woman about these things when talking to her on the phone, on your first date, or otherwise. I've noticed it is usually wise to use a PROP as an ice-breaker. For example, if you see someone reading a book about travel, and you want to talk with her or think she's cute, rather than say, "Hey, you're cute, wanna date?" try "Have you been to Jamaica?" (assuming the picture is about Jamaica). Or, if you're at a restaurant, and she's eating, ask her "How's the food here?" What do you recommend ordering?" Or something like that. It opens the door to talk about favorite recipes and the ROMANCE of food.

Asking someone about their dreams is just positive karma. You're establishing what they want, and learning about how compatible you are on a spiritual level. Pay attention to dreams and aspirations -- it's where you might end up with her. This topic is of especially more importance than all the rest, if you ask me. Movies establish what KINDS of THINGS or ATTRIBUTES she likes in her men (rugged, make her feel safe, etc.).

Another point important to make is that if you're going to give her something to talk about (with her friends), you've got to inspire her with something you do from her FAVORITES. For example: what is YOUR HOBBY? One of my hobbies is playing the sax. Yes, I play in bands. Yes, women have come up to me while I'm playing and given me their phone number WHILE I'm playing or during breaks. It turns the tables. Now, I'm the star. I'm the one she's hearing play and turn the room upside on it's ear. Get a hobby that interests you, and make sure she knows about it.

What are your hopes and aspirations? She DOES want to know them. Ask her about hers, then share yours. This is a great way to get to know someone better. Even those people who we think we know, it is good to revisit their hopes and aspirations every six months or a year, at least. Do you know why? Well, because THEY CHANGE sometimes! So, keep informed and in the know.

Vacations are a huge turn-on for MOST people. It's amazing. When I sold timeshares, I found that many people find vacations to be more adventurous, a time for more romance and love, and often vacations are where we would describe our PEAK MOMENTS over 50% of the time! That's powerful. So, talk about vacations she's been on. Talk about places she wants to go. Let her imagine going there WITH YOU.

Now, on the flip-side, it's important to know what topics to AVOID.

Here are the POF Women’s Top Ten Least Favorite Conversation Topics:

1. Politics
2. Other dates
3. Past relationships
4. Science fiction
5. Religion
6. Celebrities
7. Science
8. Antiques
9. Money
10. History

So, guys who brag about your money or your car, guess what? Unless she's totally shallow (which contrary to some egotists thinking is rarely the case) she won't care THAT much and in fact you might be TURNING HER OFF. Isn't the idea to TURN HER ON?!

Politics? (yawn) Past relationships? You'd be surprised the number of times I've overheard or directly heard a woman say "Oh yeah, this last guy I met, all he did was talk about the bad dates he'd had before he met me." Ew. I'd be turned off, too. Don't relate with negative topics. It amazes me. Guys, when are you going to get it, the woman you date wants to know SHE IS THE ONLY WOMAN THAT MATTERS TO YOU. I know, it sounds selfish. And, yeah, maybe it is. But, while you're with her, at least remember this and give her the appearance that she's the only woman who matters to you. If it is true, even better, because then you're got the beginning of monogamous love happening!

Don't tell a woman she looks like Jennifer Lopez. I once heard a guy tell a woman "you have the cutest little J Lo butt" and guess what? He didn't get her number. I wonder why?! First of all, he compared her to a celebrity who has personal trainers, make-up artists, fame, and glamour. Second, he complimented her in the process. Women like compliments, but the guys who succeed more often are the one's who deliver more of a positive-negative.

OH - and this guy blew it because women don't like it when you talk about their body parts. I know, guys like to say things like "Look at the rack on her," or "Wow, what talent. Did you see her backside?" or other things like that to their GUY friends, but just don't forget that women, in general, don't appreciate that guys talk about them like that. They'd rather know you care about their personality, their brains, and all the other wonderful qualities they offer you.

It's like a woman who talks about a man's car, his job, his wallet, guys get turned off for similar reasons.

Science, antiques, history? Well, these stations are 70/30 or even 80/20 GUY oriented. If you want to talk about what shows are on SPIKE, talk about them with your buds. Talk about what women want to talk about with your woman: romance, friends, aspirations, hobbies. Be passionate about how you talk about these things.

Try these conversation tips and see if you don't have better interactions with the woman in your life. It can't hurt, can it? It's about using the Law of Attraction. Talk about what you want to attract. If it is a woman, talk about HER FAVORITE topics, not yours. It's all about bringing more love between the sexes, and any time we can hit our favorite buttons we're likely to spark a positive reaction. If you spark a positive reaction, trust me, you'll be the one she's talking about with her friends, too.

This post on improving dating relationships is written by Scott Andrews, Syndicated Author, Life Coach and Founder of AspireNow ( Scott's e-workbook and audio program "Dream Large: The Keys To Discovering Your Purpose" help people live their Life Purpose. Scott also writes and speaks about lifestyles with Elegant Simplicity, also at AspireNow. In addition, Scott writes and offers keynote speaking on sales success, empowerment for enterprise organizations (see for more details).

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Start Living Your Dreams!

What's stopping you from living your dreams?


I recently spoke with a woman who wrote to me, "You're living the life I dream about."

I asked her, "What's stopping you?"

Her answer? "Money. Fear of failing, I guess."

Wow. Okay. That's honest. Can you blame her for staying in her secure job? It pays for her mortgage, her nice middle-class BMW car, and other necessities of life (shopping, food, etc.). But she isn't getting rich. Are you? And, she really isn't that happy doing her JOB. Are you?

The lesson in this is that what if YOU fail? There are many times you can launch your dream.

You could be considering launching your dream during any combination of the following:

Have a job now. Don't have a job now. Don't like my job now. Like my job now. Have money to last for two or three years. Don't have money to last for two or three years.

Guess what? People have started their company or launched their dream in ANY of the above stages. So, no matter what stage you are in, you can at least START SOMETHING!

David Kelley, the world's most celebrated industrial designer, urges creative people to "fail faster so they can succeed sooner." Amen. You see, when you start your venture, there is a high likelihood you will fail. I know, you don't want to hear that. And, you're smarter than those other fools who try, right? Well, guess what. I'm smart. And I failed. I failed a lot! But, with each failure, I've gone back to the drawing board, and continue to make a small tweak here, an adjustment there, drop this, start that, and continue to develop my programs and services UNTIL THEY SUCCEED. And, it is working. This is how most people make it, I have found out.

They START. They FAIL. They ADJUST. They START AGAIN. They FAIL AGAIN. They LEARN. They ADJUST. They RE-START, THEY WIN. They ADJUST. They FAIL. They ADJUST. They WIN. THEN... ONE DAY... They WIN SOME MORE.... AND MORE... AND MORE. Try it: it will happen for you, too! Who knows? You might even be one of the lucky ones who WINS out of the GATES.

You might be surprised what can happen in your life. Are you tired of living paycheck to paycheck and living other people's dreams? Start living YOUR dreams. The only way to live is to take action on DOING IT!

Don't be afraid of failure. Embrace it. And get it behind you as soon as you can, so that you can start winning.

by Scott Andrews, Author, Entrepreneur, and Founder of AspireNow ( Scott is the CEO and principal business advisor at ARRiiVE Business Solutions, helping executives start a company and launch a new product or service. His expert team helps executives navigate to save time, build interactive marketing, improve sales training with real-world advice, and focuses on helping enterprise leaders build empowered teams with Scott's dynamic SEMANTIC COLLABORATION models and tools. Learn more at

Friendship: A Crux of Happiness

In my coaching experience, HAPPINESS is one of the main objectives people seek from life. A question that comes up is "what will make me happy" and then the follow-on might be "with my job" or "in this relationship" or "with my life?"

Or, someone will state a concern, but the underlying objective is really happiness. Stating "I'm not really content with my job right now," is a way of saying "my job isn't making me happy." Or saying, "He isn't really doing it for me anymore," is a way of saying you're not happy in your relationship.

No matter what the topic, whether it be our work, our relationship, our health, I find that building solid, strong friendships is actually at the crux or a cornerstone of building happiness in our lives. And the way we build strong relationships is to invite, share, and give part of our life with another person.

When I coach people on how to improve their dating relationships, the first thing I suggest they do is just build more strong friendships. Because the stronger your friendships, the stronger your dating relationships can be, too. The network supports the core growth of two people and helps keep them in the relationship if they ought to stay in, and likewise encourages they get out if they are in an unhealthy situation.

Friendships are also highly useful in business. I find that many of my job opportunities, many recommendations that helped me land a job, and many coaches to challenges I've had in my career actually came from my friendships. So, if you're at work and struggling in your career. The first thing I would suggest to you is to GROW more business friendships. That means, helping people without worrying about what they're going to GIVE back to you. It's hard to do at first, but a key especially when you're volunteering. It is actually one of the best ways to grow your network. Volunteer for an organization or event, such as the American Cancer Society, and then just try to be helpful in any way that you can within the time you can spare. Watch how many friends you grow from this. When I volunteered for the American Cancer Society, I made several great friends from the events and people I've met there. In fact, one year, I met my friend Jonathan, who later invited me to RYZE (, the first social networking site I joined that produced countless other business and personal relationships and friendships.

So, you just never know where one association might lead. I've been volunteering for the local Symphony Pops concert every year. Each year I've made new friends who were also part of the volunteer team. Try the volunteer route and see if your friendships don't improve.

The best thing about friendship is that when you least expect it, a friend might pop out of the woodwork and brighten your day. This happened for me recently with Belinda Farrell (, a master hypnotherapist and Huna Healing practitioner who also was my first Aspiration Advocate at AspireNow. I remember meeting Belinda through a Bonnie Coleen event I attended, where Belinda had a booth offering her services. I was drawn to her and became her friend. Then later that year, I offered her an opportunity to be an Aspiration Advocate. Belinda agreed. Today, years later, we are still friends. I refer people to her business, and I'm pretty sure she's referred a few to me, too. But, more than that, we care about each other.

Who do you know in your life who you would love to know better?

I totally recommend you reach out, do something, give something, show in some way that you care in a way that THEY will appreciate. For example, I'm just listening to Belinda's introduction and the word that sticks with me is "dolphins" for Belinda. Sometimes, sending a dolphin greeting, or a gift, might be a way to show you care for someone like Belinda. Or, invite them to an event you're participating in. Are you going to a seminar on sustaining the planet? Well, maybe your friend might want to go with you. And, it will be more fun for you to share in the experience. So, you can grow a friendship a variety of ways.

My friend, who I referred to Belinda, contacted Belinda regarding her "Chant and Forgiveness" CD program. Belinda, in reference to me, said something flattering like "Scott is a Masterpiece." I glowed when I read this. What a beautiful thing to say about me. When I reconnected with Belinda, there was such a warmth, such a depth of love in the connection, I realized: "Wow! I have a lifetime friendship happening here." How cool is that?

Our friends are so wonderful!

"Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more humans," according to Wikipedia. I really love what Wikipedia later lists as criteria for friendship:

  • the tendency to desire what is best for the other,
  • sympathy and empathy,
  • honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
  • mutual understanding.

A few years ago, I actually took this to another level and added: my friends are people who are in support of my highest good. It was the expansion of the first of these bullets. My question was: If someone is NOT in support of your highest good, are they really your friend? I pondered that question and decided, nope, only people in support of my highest good are truly real friends. If you make sure that a person you surround yourself with is in support of your highest good, has easy camaraderie, tends to have mutual understanding with you, and demonstrates both cooperate and supportive behavior; congratulations: you've gained a deeply rich new friendship!

It has been said that a man can die rich and still be poor. But the counter is you can die poor and be rich -- very rich -- with friendship.

Make your life an effort to grow rich friendships, and see how your happiness grows. Friendship is like putting miracle grow and water on your life. Plant seed, add friendship, watch happiness grow is the way I see this path towards happiness. So many people struggle with what they are getting from life. Well, the best way to make a new friend it not to GET, but to GIVE. How is your serve? If you reach out, offer to do something for each person you meet. It doesn't have to be incredibly time-consuming, nor does it have to cost a lot. Just do SOMETHING. GIVE SOMETHING or INVITE this person to some event you're participating in, and watch a new friendship grow.

I invite people I meet to my band gigs. It is one way people love connecting with me. People have invited me to their workshops, all kinds of things. OH - and if someone invites you to something, GO! Try to RIDE TOGETHER. Time together is the best recipe for growing friendships. The more time you spend together, the more you know each other and have a chance for really deep friendship.

Sometimes we make a trade-off in life of money for friendship. I told someone recently that I made less money living on the Central Coast than I made in the Bay Area. However, I have 10x the number of friends since moving here. So, was it worth it? If you're measuring wealth of friendships and wealth of happiness, the answer is a resounding YES. And, you know what? I wouldn't be surprised if the abundance in wealth soon follows, too.

As the title of one of the songs I wrote goes, you've got to "Give Some to Get Some."


The author of this post is a business and life coach. Learn more at or

Friday, September 14, 2007

How I Got Rid Of My Joint Pain In My Hands

I was listening to a program today about health and wellness programs. You know, so many people are focused on thinning their waistline, diets, workouts, but even more people are taking prescriptions for problems with energy, brain power (mental clarity), focus, stress, joint-comfort, and other diseases.

Are you looking for peak performance in your work, play and daily tasks?

I might have a solution for you, as simple as a daily drink of water (or other liquid), that costs less than a Starbucks cup of coffee.

Still here? Cool. I'll take the attention from your eyeballs as an expression of interest and permission to share more.

I recently got involved with a product that is delivering on this promise of lower stress, optimal health, higher joint flexibility, and better mental clarity. These are all things that, in running a site like AspireNow, I always have interest in learning more. How about you?

In just a short time after learning about it, the stories about this product are incredible.

For example, a friend of mine said she started taking this juice supplement after being diagnosed with Lupus (a mysterious blood condition). She started taking Xperia and after only one month was given a CLEAN bill of health.

Personally, I found that my mental accuity is more focused, my sense of taste and smell seems heightened, and more than that, the pain I'd experienced for the past year in my foot and hand WENT AWAY! Pain in the hand, which, by the way, a doctor had told me to "just live with it, you're getting older." I'm a saxophone player, so I can't have my hands hurt and play optimally.

My bass player, Jamie, who gifted me product to introduce me to this daily supplement, stopped going to the chiropractor and took off a knee brace he'd worn for 10 years after using this supplement regularly. As a result, his work production in his masonry business went up dramatically. He went back into his chiropractor's office with a box of this liquid supplement. The chiropractor said, "I haven't seen you in a while, Jamie, what's up?" Jamie said, "well, try this, Doc, and you'll find out why."

Shoot, if you ask me, CEO's ought to gift every employee in their company this product. Isn't productivity good for the bottom line? How much money do companies lose on "sick time" for mental, stress, and health issues?

Professional athlete coaches ought to get their athletes (and other personnel) using it... teachers ought to get their parents to give it to kids. One story I haven't personally experienced, but heard about from Jamie, was this kid who took Univera's products and went from being a "D" student, diagnosed with ADD problems, to an "A" student (with remarks about how quickly he changed and improved his focus).

I'm not giving you a sales pitch. This stuff doesn't need one. I just want people to get involved and at least TRY it. What could you lose? Yes, ask your doctor first. But try it... I'll offer it to you without charging you for your first try, that's how much I believe in it.

I can't promise that you'll have this same result, but if you're going to a chiropractor, taking meds, trying to lose weight (and struggling with it), experiencing pain, or simply want to live longer and sustain PEAK PERFORMANCE, visit my Abundance Awaits You website, sign up for the free gift, and try it out. Why am I gifting this free? Because I care about HELPING PEOPLE. You probably already know that from reading the articles at AspireNow.

You can learn more at my site for Univera:

This is the only mention I'll make of this at my blog. I'll post more at and also probably a page that describes more at AspireNow in the future. As you can tell, I'm excited about Univera's products enough to post them here on the A-blog - but, hey, it's about SELF-HELP. I haven't had a product that literally healed me of pain (other than a temporary drug) and delivered on the promise before like this one, so can you blame me?

Learn more about it here:

P.S. - There IS a business opportunity if you wish to share the product with your friend, too. I won't go into details on that, except to say that people are making anywhere from $500 to $27,000 per month (not kidding) after getting involved in this program. Just try the Univera product yourself for a while, and if you're convinced that you like the product, why not share it with others? I'll help you get started if you're interested. Also, there's a link for that at my site, too:

Note: claims are true personal stories of the author and two of his friends. Your individual results obviously may vary. According to the FDA guidelines, consult a physician before beginning any supplemental diet program.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

A few more ways to "Heal A Broken Heart"

I received this email today:

"First I would like to thank Scott for writing such an amazing and helpful article [Healing A Broken Heart] about how to deal with a broken heart, however I still have a question regarding this theme, I'm having a very hard time getting over my ex, and although I'm trying to stop thinking about her, it's not working very well and my surroundings aren't helping very much either. I think about her everyday, and everyday I realize that i still love her as much as I always have, but also everyday it hurts to think that I cannot have her, and it is taking over my life. I don't know what to do, please I'm reaching out for help...what can I do? Sincerely,"

[name withheld]

Here's what I wrote back:

"Hi [name withheld],

Thanks for writing. I'm not sure that the article ought not been enough for you, but I'll dig into this a little deeper. Also, listen to today's AspireNow show at NowLive, I recorded it special just for you.

But, in your case, I have special advice, which, keep in mind, is for entertainment purposes only. My disclaimer I have to give because I'm not a licensed psychotherapist.

First question: how long as it been since your separation? If longer than three months, I'd suggest you consider a little therapy to help you move on with someone who IS licensed. It might help.

I was talking with my brother when I read your email. I read the question to him and he said, "well, I'd pop a beer, say F*#@ it, and then move on," but you can't say that on your website!

Hmm. I can't? Why not? I suppose it is wrong to condone drinking, but the point is symbolic: have a moment, then get over it. Be a man, suck it up and move on would be Craig's advise. Then, after the humor, he said a therapist helped him in a similar situation. I think he may be right on that one. Me, I got over my thing on my own. The article shares what I did. Here, I'll share a little more.

So, have your moment to wallow, but you've got to move on.

What I would do in your shoes, is the following:

1. Focus on me. My needs, my goals, who I am, how I matter in the world. Do that. As Shakespeare wrote, "to thine own self be true."

2. Re-frame the relationship. Sure you liked her. Sure, she had some good qualities, but certainly she had a few you'd change, too, right? She wasn't the best. She wasn't the only one that would be good for you. That woman is still out there LOOKING for you and who will be OVERJOYED eventually once she knows you. Giver HER your energy rather than this ex (ex, in and of itself, denotes a thing of the past). There is more than just ONE woman who is THE ONE -- there are MANY GREAT WOMEN almost PERFECT for YOU.

3. Focus on your purpose, do that. Men need to be proactive in their ability to PROVIDE. Be a good provider, first for yourself, then maybe you can worry about others. Focus on friendships - with the SAME sex. Not to be gay, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying develop GREAT male friendships. Be a loyal friend. Here's the deal: a woman may come in your life or go but as soon as you break off the sex the friendship is damaged. Am I right, or am I wrong? It's been my experience that all these women I treated like "a best friend" aren't really HERE now. My guy friends, on the other hand, are good as gold. Those friendships matter more, in the long run, than many dating relationships.

4. Focus on the four L's: LAUGH, LEARN, LOVE, LIFE ... what makes you laugh? what have you always wanted to LEARN? what do you LOVE most? and what in LIFE do you MOST want to DO? Do those things. Don't wait, do them, do them, do them. As you focus more and more on those things, you'll forget the past.

Here's the thing. I still love many women I dated. The one that ripped my heart out could receive hatred, should I chose to waste that emotion on her. I'd rather put that energy into forgiveness, and moving on to WHO I NEED TO BE, SAY, and DO as a MAN, right now. So, that's what I do. After all, the best revenge is living well, to quote a deserved cliche.

I hope this helps. If this does help you, feel free to contribute to AspireNow's donation box, any amount is always appreciated! :)

Best to you,
Scott Andrews, Founder"

See, the real issue is even the nature of writing this email, this fine gentleman is displaying, to me, that he's just having a hard time letting go. I think, the idea of popping a cold one, having your moment, then focusing on what YOU want, is really the key to all of this. I think it is important to FEEL the emotions, then PUSH forward with our life.

And, I wish this particular reader the very best in success in doing so!

What are your thoughts on moving on from your ex? Are there any other wise ideas from amongst our readers? I'm always looking for ways to improve upon our primary articles.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Why The Terminator Is Deadly In Relationships

I've heard people often laugh about Arnold Schwartzenegger's well-known phrase, "I'll be back" from the first Terminator movie. You may recall that Arnold played a futuristic Cyborg, called a TERMINATOR, intent on destroying the mother of the leader of the resistance, John Connor, in one of his landmark roles. While we may have laughed or found the phrase and the intense nature of the relentless terminator exciting, it is no laughing matter when a dating partner or spouse uses a terminator in a relationship.

You may ask, what is a terminator, in this context?

My understanding of a terminator is when we issue a form of communication that basically states we intend to end or terminate the relationship.

I first learned of the concept of relationship "terminators" from John Gottman, an expert on relationships and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert ( I found the idea very enlightening and the concept of terminator-avoidance has since changed how I communicate in relationships.

I'd like to reference one of my theories on relationship success, which I call The Love Triangle, here:

Love = Friendship + Passion + Commitment
Friendship is basically when we like being with someone. It is about spending time together, experiencing trust, respect, caring, and sharing. You can be friends whether dating someone or married. And friendships is a cornerstone of love.

Passion is more about sexual desire, a longing to be with each other intimately. Passion without friendship or commitment is considered infatuation.

Commitment is the agreement to stick with the relationship even when things happen or are said that we may not like. Commitment may expand beyond that, to not sharing passion with other people, or to be together according to vows we often hear in marriage ceremonies (richer or poorer, better or worse, etc.). Love needs commitment to see it through.

All of that sounds good, doesn't it? Yet, even though you may have all of these three things in alignment, you can still blow it. Your relationship may not last even if you have love, commitment, and passion! Why is that? Well, according to Gottman, If you communicate in ways that are disrespectful (examples include stonewalling with "the silent treatment", snide remarks, criticism such as "you always/you never") or if you don't own your issues, you may have problems in the long run.
But the worst of these communication problems is the terminator. Why?

Because the terminator is a verbalization of an intent to end the relationship. According to the laws of attraction, if we state a terminator when emotions are high, such as when we're in a fight or tense situation, we're basically stating that we'd rather end it than be committed. True commitment won't issue a terminator. True commitment won't issue a terminator. Yes, I said it again. Because I wanted you to NOTICE that if you're saying "okay, this won't work" or "why am I doing this?" or "what's the point of this?" or "if that's how you feel then I'm out" or any myriad of comments like this, you're giving a terminator.

Out of ignorance and just plain self-centeredness, I once totally violated the idea of avoiding terminators in my own marriage, back in the early 1990's, when my wife was complaining about something she didn't like about me, I replied with "if you don't like it, then why don't you just divorce me." Hey, I didn't really mean it. But, guess what... well, that's right, we're not married any more. For her own part, my ex wasn't any better with her communication, calling herself a "SEGA widow" when I played video games for an extended period one winter. So, the terminator obviously manifested and had a hand in dooming that relationship.
When you are in a heated situation, it is better not to issue a terminator unless you truly intend to end the relationship. After all, a terminator's intent is destructive in nature. And, I'll add that common sense dictates that if you really want to end the relationship (catch yourself using terminators), then maybe the most loving thing to do is to end it while things are good, rather than in the heat of the fight. Easier said than done, though, huh?
Overall, I think it is wiser, healthier, and more loving to not use terminators at all. After all, we may attract others using terminators on us. And, that's not fun, now, is it?

I think I may modify The Love Triangle to be Love Squared Equals Lasting Love:
Love = [Friendship] + [Passion] + [Commitment] + [Respectful Communication]
Makes sense, doesn't it?
So, if you want your relationships to feel strong, to seem solid, make your own commitments to avoid using terminators in your communication and see if you don't have more love over the long haul. And more love is critical to living an empowered life full of meaning and happiness.
You can learn more about Smooth Sailing relationships at
Please note: the author of this article is not a registered therapist. Please seek professional assistance if you need help.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Smashing The Goal Barrier

Are you hitting your goals?

If you're like me, you set MONSTER GOALS. And, monster goals are not always easy to hit. So, it is sometimes helpful to have some aids towards hitting your goals.

Here's a few I've put together for today's AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self-Help Radio Show over at

  1. First, you've got to envision it. I like writing my goals down. I also put them in a spreadsheet program. And, once every year or two, I create a DREAM COLLAGE to help me visualize my goals.
  2. Get specific. My friend Shari Carr, who works with me and with Tony Robbins, recently told me that my dream collage wasn't specific enough. So, I'm working on a more specific one. That's right, with EXACTLY the specific house, the specific sports, the specific state of mind, the specific money I want per year, per month, the specific car, EVERYTHING will be the EXACT one I want. That ought be more powerful, don't you think? With any goal, start with a vision, then get specific about what the vision ought to look like, and actually be when you get it. This is the first part of SMART (Specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timely). I've written about those things before, but I think the most important of these is being specific. As far as measurable, achievable, realistic -- I think the answer to all of these is YES - just depending on the time you want to invest or time you CAN invest in each. So, that's the part where we have to be realistic, measure, and achieve accordingly. Timely? Just do something when you're supposed to do it and the timing will work itself out.
  3. Hang out with SUCCESSFUL people. If you're failing at your goals, who are you hangin' with? My feeling is that if we're an apple, we ought to be next to other apples. So, hang out with other smart apples if you want to be smarter and more successful. If the people around you neg you out, ask "am I negative?" If you are, change yourself. If you're not, change your friends. It can be done. Just make sure you attract what and who you want in your life.
  4. Become an EXPERT. It is amazing how much faster you achieve your goals when you become an expert about something. I find that the most successful people know the most about what they are doing. People often wonder why they can't play saxophone like Charlie Parker. Well, you might be able to. For one thing, he practiced 14 hours a day, when he was honing his craft. Do anything for 14 hours a day, and see if you get good at it. You'll probably find that after a year or two, you'll be considered an expert. And, with your expertise, you will be able to hit your goals more easily.
  5. Know your PRIORITIES. You've got to be focused properly if you're to hit your goals. If your priority is to create a website for your business this month, then get software, learn how to self-publish, create a layout, and post your website. Or, meet with a creative designer who designs sites you like, find out if their price meets your budget, and get them started on designing your site. Whatever it is, take action. I recently thought of organizing a jazz festival in San Luis Obispo similar to the festival in San Jose, CA. Guess what, 4 days later I had the URL for up and running. You hit goals when you take action. Don't take action on things you DON'T want unless you're willing to settle for those results. Take action for the things you DO want, and see progress every day. In the past six months, I've launched two radio shows, two blogs, three websites, and helped numerous other people do the same for their own business. How do I do it? By doing a bit on each one every day. I've always noticed when I do the most I've focused on the things that matter most, and prioritized what really matters the most at the top of the list every day.
  6. Make sure to revisit your goals regularly. I have monthly goals, that roll into my yearly goals. Every week, I evaluate my monthly goals, and schedule my week (and days) to match my weekly goals, by day. If you don't have a system, get one, and stick to it.
  7. Break it down. I can't talk enough about the value of breaking down goals into smaller steps. For example, you might want to buy a mansion that costs $2 Million. But, practically, it might require you first buy a $500,000 house, pay that down, then upgrade to $800,000 when your income and savings grows. Then make the move to the big one from there. Sometimes, a goal requires steps to get there. I had a goal in 2003 to form a band. I first recorded a CD. Then I moved to SLO, and I went out every night and networked with musicians. I made friends. I played with anybody who wanted me to play with them. And, I found people started to ask me "When are you going to be able to play our room? We're jonesing for your band here, man!" The CD was good, so my advance promotion worked. Then, a band I'd joined broke up. I took the conga player, the bass player, added a guitar player from another project, and found a drummer the night of the first gig who the guitar player brought in. Breaking it down was a key to success. It's also used in music when you're trying to get to the crux of the groove, you "break it down" to get to the bass, drums, then build on top of that. So, start with something.

Count your wins. When you break it down, then notice when you get the small wins. Small wins lead to big wins. For example, by writing this article, I enabled myself to have specific content for tonight's show on Now Live. So, now I'll go host it, and share more there about this subject.

This article was written by Scott Andrews, CEO of ARRiiVE Business Solutions ( and Founder of AspireNow (

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