Wednesday, September 12, 2007

A few more ways to "Heal A Broken Heart"

I received this email today:

"First I would like to thank Scott for writing such an amazing and helpful article [Healing A Broken Heart] about how to deal with a broken heart, however I still have a question regarding this theme, I'm having a very hard time getting over my ex, and although I'm trying to stop thinking about her, it's not working very well and my surroundings aren't helping very much either. I think about her everyday, and everyday I realize that i still love her as much as I always have, but also everyday it hurts to think that I cannot have her, and it is taking over my life. I don't know what to do, please I'm reaching out for help...what can I do? Sincerely,"

[name withheld]

Here's what I wrote back:

"Hi [name withheld],

Thanks for writing. I'm not sure that the article ought not been enough for you, but I'll dig into this a little deeper. Also, listen to today's AspireNow show at NowLive, I recorded it special just for you.

But, in your case, I have special advice, which, keep in mind, is for entertainment purposes only. My disclaimer I have to give because I'm not a licensed psychotherapist.

First question: how long as it been since your separation? If longer than three months, I'd suggest you consider a little therapy to help you move on with someone who IS licensed. It might help.

I was talking with my brother when I read your email. I read the question to him and he said, "well, I'd pop a beer, say F*#@ it, and then move on," but you can't say that on your website!

Hmm. I can't? Why not? I suppose it is wrong to condone drinking, but the point is symbolic: have a moment, then get over it. Be a man, suck it up and move on would be Craig's advise. Then, after the humor, he said a therapist helped him in a similar situation. I think he may be right on that one. Me, I got over my thing on my own. The article shares what I did. Here, I'll share a little more.

So, have your moment to wallow, but you've got to move on.

What I would do in your shoes, is the following:

1. Focus on me. My needs, my goals, who I am, how I matter in the world. Do that. As Shakespeare wrote, "to thine own self be true."

2. Re-frame the relationship. Sure you liked her. Sure, she had some good qualities, but certainly she had a few you'd change, too, right? She wasn't the best. She wasn't the only one that would be good for you. That woman is still out there LOOKING for you and who will be OVERJOYED eventually once she knows you. Giver HER your energy rather than this ex (ex, in and of itself, denotes a thing of the past). There is more than just ONE woman who is THE ONE -- there are MANY GREAT WOMEN almost PERFECT for YOU.

3. Focus on your purpose, do that. Men need to be proactive in their ability to PROVIDE. Be a good provider, first for yourself, then maybe you can worry about others. Focus on friendships - with the SAME sex. Not to be gay, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying develop GREAT male friendships. Be a loyal friend. Here's the deal: a woman may come in your life or go but as soon as you break off the sex the friendship is damaged. Am I right, or am I wrong? It's been my experience that all these women I treated like "a best friend" aren't really HERE now. My guy friends, on the other hand, are good as gold. Those friendships matter more, in the long run, than many dating relationships.

4. Focus on the four L's: LAUGH, LEARN, LOVE, LIFE ... what makes you laugh? what have you always wanted to LEARN? what do you LOVE most? and what in LIFE do you MOST want to DO? Do those things. Don't wait, do them, do them, do them. As you focus more and more on those things, you'll forget the past.

Here's the thing. I still love many women I dated. The one that ripped my heart out could receive hatred, should I chose to waste that emotion on her. I'd rather put that energy into forgiveness, and moving on to WHO I NEED TO BE, SAY, and DO as a MAN, right now. So, that's what I do. After all, the best revenge is living well, to quote a deserved cliche.

I hope this helps. If this does help you, feel free to contribute to AspireNow's donation box, any amount is always appreciated! :)

Best to you,
Scott Andrews, Founder"

See, the real issue is even the nature of writing this email, this fine gentleman is displaying, to me, that he's just having a hard time letting go. I think, the idea of popping a cold one, having your moment, then focusing on what YOU want, is really the key to all of this. I think it is important to FEEL the emotions, then PUSH forward with our life.

And, I wish this particular reader the very best in success in doing so!

What are your thoughts on moving on from your ex? Are there any other wise ideas from amongst our readers? I'm always looking for ways to improve upon our primary articles.

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