Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Write A Book And Be An Expert

by Randy Peyser

Want to be perceived as being a top expert in your field? Writing a book is one of the quickest ways to solidify your reputation, gain credibility in the eyes of your potential clients, and make yourself stand out above your competition. Having a book will help you attract more clients, extend your visibility and build your brand.
Your book can help you obtain media exposure, attract JV partners, and seamlessly get new prospects into your pipeline.

You can use your book for back of the room sales when you are speaking, at trade shows, or whenever you want to establish your presence as an expert. In the Write-A-Book Program, you will learn how to:

  • Easily overcome objections to: "I don't know how to write or where to begin."
  • Choose from 4 different formats that make it easy to write a successful book
  • Compose a compelling title and back cover text "sell copy"
  • Use your book to upsell your more expensive services and products
  • Complete your book when everything else in your life demands attention
  • Distinguish between your publishing options and choose one that is right for you
  • Publicize your finished book online to a huge audience, and more!
"Listening to Randy Peyser is like having a book-minded Guardian Angel take you by the hand and lead you to the promised land of being a published writer. She's smart, well-connected, and passionately knowledgeable about the book business. She makes you believe you can do it; we know it'll be a lot easier with her help!" - Mary Reynolds Thompson, CPCC

Yes, you can write a book!
Purchase: The Write-A-Book Program!
Introductory Price: $149
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A Vision Board Can Help You Manifest!

Can computers help us manifest?

You bet they can!

I've been working on a new "Dream Board" collage for my bathroom.

I'm being very specific on this one as to exactly what I want for each area of my life. At the same time, I've created a new Vision Board for my computer, so that every time I see my computer I can reinforce my dreams and goals. Vision Boards and Dream Collages can be very powerful subconcious tools that enable us to manifest our dreams. My last collage has been incredibly powerful. Of the things on there, I've manifested over 30% so far, in just 2 years! That's pretty impressive, if you ask me.

I recommend The OrangePeel Dream Board Visualization Software:

Using a dream board like this can be very powerful to help you manifest your dreams regarding career, money, health, finances, and love. If you haven't designed your own collage yet, the beauty of a software tool like Dream Board is that you can modify your collage quickly, and it is always in front of you when you boot your computer. Cool, huh?

Check it out and if you want to purchase it, I created an affiliate program with Orange Peel to make it easy for you to join:

Start Creating Your Vision Board Today!

This article is written by Scott Andrews, Founder of AspireNow. Dream Board video and name is Copyright OrangePeel, used with permission. Copyright 2007. All rights reserved. You may republish this article only AS A COMPLETE WHOLE with ENTIRE LINKS and copyright messages attached. All rights reserved. To get more tools like this, subscribe to the A-Blog.

Avoiding Relationship Stagnation

Stagnation: Why Do Relationships Stagnate, and What To Do To Avoid It?

If you're in a relationship for any length of time, it is only natural that you will experience ups and downs. The most difficult to spot problem in relationships is stagnation. What are the stagnation warning signs:

  • You often bite your tongue;
  • Diminished sexual frequency;
  • Heart-to-heart talks replaced by daily events;
  • Someone acts untrustworthy;
  • Outside flirtations;
  • "I love you" said less often;
  • Lack of variety, less creativity;
  • Failure to gift;
  • Someone gets fat or flabby or stops dressing up;
  • Nobody rocks the boat
Do these flags of stagnation sound familiar to you? Stagnation can cause complacency in a relationship. Complacency leads to repressed feelings, which leads to resentment, which can lead to a boiling over and possibly even a break-up of the relationship. So, it is better to spot these signs and do something quickly to correct it first!

You can avoid relationship stagnation through several ways:

1. Increase heart-to-heart communication.

When I suggest you increase your heart-to-heart communication, I'm talking about sharing things you'd like to see happen to reinforce your core values. If you do this, rather than bite your tongue when things you'd like don't happen, you will experience a stronger, more honest, and deeper level of communication with your partner. Heart-to-heart communication also keeps a deep bond of love built between you that will reduce the odds of infidelity, financial mischief, and/or other things like ignoring hurt feelings.

2. Increase the romance.

Sometimes, we experience stagnation because we forget that what often draws couples together is the romance. We stop doing the things we enjoyed: walks on the beach, wine-tasting and weekends in bed & breakfasts, skating/skiing/sailing/bowling/miniature golf/dancing or whatever. We forget to leave little notes (handwritten, preferentially) for our partner. We fail to say "I love you" to each other. We stop lingering for a longer kiss when we say "goodbye" in the morning or "hi" in the evening. We go to sleep without making love. So, DO all these types of things again, and see if your partner doesn't notice!

3. Remember to gift her.

This one is written for the men, but men also like receiving a gift every now and then, too. Gifts can be our little ways of reminding our partner that we love them. Make sure to keep little gifts flowing throughout the relationship, and mix it up. You might surprise your partner.

4. Be a hot sex kitten for him.

This one is written more for the women. Men like it when women are a bit of a sex kitten, coming on to him, surprising him with new lingerie, or doing something special, sexually, that turns him on. Think I'm wrong? Then why oh why are there so many strip clubs dotting almost every city in America?

5. Remember to show each other respect.

If you've started calling your partner bad names, complaining to them frequently (especially if they've observed and asked you to stop), or allowed other people (in-laws, children) to show your partner disrespect, you must realize that all of that is negative and will decrease your relationship "love bank" and may even result in termination of your relationship. Respect, Hope, Joy, Love, are all cornerstones of a successful loving relationship. If you're complacent, there's a very large chance that respect, on some level, has slipped. Rebuilt it, treat your partner #1 the way you'd want to be treated (or at least, the way THEY want to be treated).

6. Keep yourself up.

If you've gained excessive weight, gotten flabby, or otherwise fail to dress up around each other, you're not only showing yourself disrespect, you're also showing your partner disrespect. You've become relationship-lazy. This is a sure sign of complacency. If you want to keep your love strong, continue to look your best even after you are a committed couple. Keep yourself in shape even after injuries, childbirth, and other life events. If you continue to look your best, your partner is less apt to stray and more apt to be in love with you on an ongoing basis.

7. Act trustworthy.

Are you doing anything untrustworthy in your relationship? Any sign of infidelity is a symptom of complacency at the core. Are you keeping secrets from your partner regarding money, flirtations, health, children, friendships (friends saying bad things about them), or other things like this? If you are, you're allowing a dark seed of complacency to undermine your love. If your trust becomes eroded deeply, the whole house of cards will collapse. It is better to build a relationship on solid ground. If you are not acting trustworthy, I will ask you "how would you like for them to act when you are not around?" and request that you act that way. When you act in a trustworthy way, you build the deepest bond a relationship can build.

8. Mix up your sex life.

It might be time to break out the "Kama Sutra" or "Joy of Sex" if you've been sexually complacent. If you've stopped having sex as often, take the initiative and do it in a room you've never done it before. Go somewhere new and do it there. Suggest a new position. Flirt with your partner, tease them a little, then give it to them with all the fire you can muster. This is sure to rekindle some spark in your relationship!

These are the basic suggestions I can offer to help you avoid relationship stagnation and stop the complacency from eroding the foundation of a loving, healthy, and happy relationship. If you're missing out on all the deepest love you might receive, try a few of these things to see if you can't rebuild something truly special, deeper, and more loving than you ever dreamed of!

The Magic of Making Up: How to Get Your Ex Back: Click Here!

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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Purity of Light in Love

I'm investigating the work of Sukyo Mahikari right now.

From the Sukyo Mahikari website, it says:

Sukyo Mahikari has its roots in an organization that Mr. Kotama Okada founded on
August 28,1959, to promote Mahikari practice. This was in response to a
revelation he received from Creator God on February 27, 1959.

Mr. Okada's heartfelt desire was to help people live in a more God-centered and spiritual way based on the universal principles that God established at Creation. In this way, people will be able to fulfill God's prayer for humanity, which is to
create a Heaven on Earth, a world of peace and harmony. He said that it is God's
greatest joy to see his children happily co-operating with each other and living
fulfilled lives.

From this description, I was struck by the concept that God's prayer for humanity is to create a Heaven on Earth, a world of peace and harmony. At a time when our nation in America is at war in two countries, and other countries are struggling to emerge from industrial poverty into the limelight of industrial powerhouses (China and India), we find our microcosm of life to be pretty small, at times. Other times, we realize that it is our immediate thoughts, actions, and emotions that are influencing a great many people.

In your relationships, are you happily co-operating with each other and living fulfilled lives?

Sometimes, we sweep things under the rug. Other times, we just accept things and say "Well, that's just the way they are. Nothing will change even if I do speak up." Are we accepting less when we know we could have more together? Embrace your best self and become the great person you were meant to be.

It is a challenge, to get it right. We must live our most fulfilled life! Our partners, friends, and children ought to be supporting that objective. If they are not, our life is out of balance.

How can we get back into balance?

Answer: by embracing God and the natural energy and flow of our higher self. We must speak our truth, we must dig deep into the soul of our relationships and share our deepest thoughts with one another. We must live happily and be happy to see each other - and show it.

Have you been honoring your father-creator God's vision for you? You are a child of God. It is your right and destiny to claim your place in the joy, peace, and harmony awaiting your own Heaven on Earth.

Ask for the Divine Light - your own true light - to shine upon you, to relieve you of your guilt, burden, and challenge of being your best self. Then step into the light that washes you anew. (See picture of True Light healing exercise here). A new beginning is just around the corner...

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What Does Nature Tell Us?

Have you ever gone through a tough time and received the advice to "Spend time in nature. Let God or the natural Spirit of the Universe speak to you..."?

I've heard people say it to me. I tend to seek out nature when struggling with a difficult decision or process in my life. My two favorite places in nature: the beach (ocean) and the forest (trees/wind). What I've been noticing lately, though, is that the actual water in the ocean is powerful, strong, continual, ebb and flow of tides and the crashing waves on the beach make their own melody. But all around my feet and in the air above me is LIFE! It's everywhere. Seagulls are flying along one direction while a flock of pelicans cruise by at low altitude before raising speed in the wind current. A sand crab bubbles inside the sand beneath my feet. A starfish is attached to a rock making a path and blending in. Other crabs, anemone, and urchins sway with each wave. Life is everywhere. It is the same in the forest.

If you go into a grove of trees, you may notice the wind rustling the leaves, and hear the sound of the branches creaking and bending with the force of the breeze as it pushes the branch here and there. But, again, all around my feet and in the trees above me I notice LIFE! A squirrel jumps from one limb to another. A caterpillar crawls over my shoe. A spider hangs in between the branch of a small twig. Nearby, a fly is caught in the spider's web. Again, life is everywhere!

You see, there is a natural cycle with life. We, as humans, also have a natural cycle of life. What are we doing about it? Are we embracing our natural cycle? Are we being our most passionate, most loving, most dynamic, most peaceful, most empowered self? If not, are we in the down-cycle? Perhaps we are simply cycling back towards our own greatness!

I recently experienced one of these cycles. Sometimes, when we are in the middle of the valley, we wonder if work, love, relationships, health, and other factors are ever going to balance back the other way again. Then, one day, we sleep a restful sleep. We awaken and decide to choose joy, love, and happiness. And, finally, the Universe responds, and the cycle starts to swing back.

It's exciting to be part of nature. What would nature tell us, today?

Does nature want us to make war, or make love? Does nature want us to love each other? Does nature want us to abuse resources like our water, fossil fuel, forests, earth, and sky? Or does nature want everything to blossom again in full bloom next year, and the year after that.

Are we listening to nature?

The Native American tradition is to be able to stand strong not just this generation, but to continue to honor and nurture our nature 19 generations from now. Are we acting in a way that will leave little or no trace in 19 generations?

What does nature tell us?
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Getting Back Together?

Can this relationship be saved? If you're considering getting back together you're probably either asking, "Why?" or "Why not?"

I'm sure if you're asking this question, that you've recently undergone relationship stress, perhaps a serious strain on your relationship or even a break-up. if you've been in a relationship of longer than six months, this can be quite painful.

Hearing them out...

If your partner has been approaching you to discuss reconciliation, you might consider hearing them. Why? Because in my experience, when we go through a break-up, sometimes we process at different speeds from each other. For example, I experience everything very hard, full, and up-front quickly. Then, I rinse and repeat many times before I process everything. I've noticed that my past-partners often processed slower than I do. This has been a problem for me when I've broken up with a partner in the past, because I'll be there wanting to reconcile, and my partner is still in the "anger" phase or "re-framing" stage and hasn't experienced the other emotions that would even make them open to hearing an appeal for reconciliation.

Is is possible you've re-framed the relationship incorrectly?

Further, when we go through a break-up, we often tend to "re-frame" the relationship to see the NEGATIVE; in other words, we choose to see the relationship in an uglier perspective than we did when we were "in love" with each other. Is this new negative frame the reality of what your partner represented to you? Hmm. It's hard to say. I'd have to ask if you ever TALKED about and discussed truly your desires about any of your core values that you felt were not heard or honored? Did you ever discuss practical ways to make small adjustments in how you treated each other to address those concerns? If not, you might be moving on prematurely. I mean, seriously, if you didn't DISCUSS, in detail, spelling out exactly what you wanted and how you needed to be treated and communicated with, you just might be selling the relationship short.

How can you know that there isn't a deeper level of love awaiting your relationship under the surface of dirt you've thrown on it, just waiting for you to scratch it off and dig deeper?

Want to know an acid-test to know if the relationship is worth giving further attention to? I've got a few techniques that are GOLDEN to help you evaluate.

1. Gather up the ways you feel hurt or didn't get your needs met.

First, take stock of where you are at. How do you feel your partner hurt you and invalidated you? What core values did your partner fail to match? How did you feel your partner was inconsiderate or rude?

Write these things down.

2. Gather up the ways your partner felt hurt or didn't get their needs met.

Now, how was your partner expressing concern about their own issues? Were there things happening on your end they were asking for, and not getting? Were they making demands, and expecting you to do things you felt unable to do? How were you rude to them?

Write these things down.

3. Now, make a decision to put both of those arguments of hurt and upset feelings aside for the present. Take a 10 minute break, then come back to this article.

Now, I want you to wipe the slate clean. Take all of YOUR wants and needs and THEIR wants and needs and put them to the side. That's right, I'm suggesting you IGNORE all of these things for the present (I know this seems strange, but trust in this process, it has legitimate value).

4. Set aside selfish concerns. Now, look at the relationship only from a couple standpoint.

Next, ask a NEW set of questions regarding the CORE of YOU as a COUPLE:

True Love Questions:

1. Did you love each other at any point? Yes / No

2. Do you still feel *some* strong pull or sense of love, now? Yes / No

3. Do you still think about them a lot and get sentimental over memories together? Yes / No

If these questions produce "yes" answers, you still love this partner, and your relationship could likely be discussed, evaluated further, and possibly saved. Not only that, but couples who save and go deeper in a relationship where these three questions are still "yes" often experience deeper and more satisfying love after a reconciliation.

Loss of Love Questions:

1. If your partner were in a serious accident, and got killed, would you be upset that you hadn't made more of an effort to try to talk to them about things, first? Yes / No

2. If your partner were to get married to someone new, and it happened before you could realize they were even dating someone else, would you be upset and feel like you lost a chance at love? Yes / No

3. If your partner were to be removed from your children's life, do you believe they'd suffer from loss of life experience that your partner represented to them? Yes / No

If you answered "Yes" to the majority of these and had a hard time saying "no" to any of these, it is highly likely that you have "unresolved issues" with this partner. You may have moved on without fully exploring the depth of the relationship and might be losing out on a deeper level of love than you've experienced before.

Now, if you came up mostly "no" to these two sets of questions, I'm going to recommend to you that you politely dismiss your partner's request for reconciliation and move on without them. If that is your situation, you won't be missing much because you're already no longer in love with that partner.

Believe me, if you do not have true love or a core sense of loss from not having this partner in your life, then you will be happier without them in your life. To stay in a relationship with the majority of these core "couple" questions producing "no" answers would be to repress your higher self and who you really are. Now, on the contrary, if you DO have true love and you WOULD experience a core sense of loss from moving on, then DON'T MOVE ON YET. You've got too much at stake to just blow out of there. Commitments, when honored, usually reward the giver.

You might be thinking at this point, "But Scott, what about all those WANTS & NEEDS I listed before? Don't THEY matter?"

My answer to that is, yes, those matter, but those are the things you resolve through reconciliation. Those are not the reasons to NOT consider a reconciliation. Almost EVERY relationship issue that seems like a mismatch on a core value can become a core value match with tweaking, love, and adjusting of both perspective and action. In a recent study I read on relationships that are more happy versus those who are not, the relationships that make it through reconciliation find that by simply making "small" adjustments towards their partner, rather than pushing the concern under the rug or ranting about things, tends to produce happy, fulfilling relationships. It isn't those with more similarities who make it - it is those with differences who embrace and appreciate their differences, and who take the time and make the effort to create small changes in behavior to affect massive change in the feelings and dynamic of the two of you being together.

That's right: The secret in reconciliation is summed up in this one sentence:


You might also be thinking, "But what about the ways they hurt my feelings?"

Well, people can be pretty stupid when they get their feelings hurt. Why don't you take the higher road and decide to forgive, accept, remove the guilt, and focus on POSITIVE STEPS to take POSITIVE ACTIONS towards new, fun, exciting, and dynamic ways to interact together?

You'll get more out of your relationship by seeking ways to establish love and take baby steps towards your concerns by simply addressing them a little at a time.

Last, these questions all pretty much need to be "yes" answers to consider pursuing a reconciliation or even put any more energy into the situation:

1. Have they expressed a willingness to work on, or at least hear your concerns? Yes / No

2. If you feel out of whack with your core values, are you willing to examine ways to act slightly different, yet still within your own core values, that would enable you to empower your partner's concerns? Yes / No

3. Are you willing to forgive them for hurting you? Yes / No

Well, if there's a will, there's a way.

This last one is a little bit more tricky: If you've got any of the following issues going on: addiction, abuse, adultery, then can you and are you willing to discuss as a couple how to get therapy for the concern? Yes / No

If you can say Yes to most of these questions, then you're ready to sit down and listen to what your partner has to say. When you set a meeting for reconciliation, I first suggest you simply focus on positive things that COULD be done to make the relationship better. Then, I suggest you go do something fun together. Try that for each of your first three meetings, and see how it goes.

One last thing: if you've been feeling like perhaps you've been in the relationship to save or rescue the other person, you might want to take a look at WHY you felt that way? Was it a legitimate need in both of you? Was there something you needed to process?

Before deciding to process differently with someone else, and blowing off all the history, chemistry, and what you have already experienced together with this partner, why not try re-framing the existing relationship in a new positive light, approaching it from a healthy perspective, and then manifesting what you really most want, together. Get rid of the addictive behaviors, abusive comments, actions, or cheating behaviors if at all possible, or your relationship will be derailed again in the future.



Let me know how it goes!

The Magic of Making Up: Want to get your ex back? Click Here!

If you're in a serious relationship and have a deep concern, I suggest you seek professional assistance with your situation. Standard terms and conditions of AspireNow apply to this article. Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Monday, April 28, 2008

The Serenity Prayer

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Although known most widely in its abbreviated form above,

the entire prayer reads as follows:

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful worldas it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next. Amen.

And here is the full Original Serenity Prayer

by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God, give us grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did, This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Reprinted from The Voice For Love

Another way to view this prayer is along with this video put together with Enya:

May this prayer bring you peace and help in letting go of attachments that no longer serve you.

Remember, too, that laughter heals.

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Problem Reconciliating? REJECTED! Now What?

Have you been rejected after offering your partner an opportunity to reconcile? Is there hope or is your life ruined? What can you do now?

This article will help answer this question:

How can we handle rejection when we were hoping to fall back in love?

If you have been trying to reconcile with your partner, and you were rejected, there is the possibility of several things that happened. Before analyzing these, first you must ask yourself:

"Is my partner still saying 'I do love you' in their goodbye letters?" If the answer is yes, you can bet on it that you've created one of the following problems that pushed them away. Read the symptom, discover the problem, and then learn and implement the recommended action after each one.

1. Symptom: They mention anything about feeling hounded, pestered too much, pressured, or repressed. They might say things like "I'm still processing" or "can you give me time to respond without writing or saying anything else?" or "I thought you were putting the ball in my court" and other stuff like that.

Problem: You flooded your partner with too much information, and they couldn't deal with any more attempts to gain understanding from you at this time. They therefore denied your request to reconcile because they are on overload.

Solution to #1: Stop flooding. Withdraw. Don't be mean about it, just withdraw and say "I'm going to go on with things. If you ever change your mind and want to talk, I'll listen."

2. Symptom: Your partner has chosen to re-frame the relationship in a negative light, saying things like "We don't match," "You don't fit my value system," or "We always knew we were not the perfect one for each other," and things like that.

Problem: You said so many hurtful things, that your partner can only hear those things. In other words, you drained your love bank so much that your partner has chosen to re-frame the relationship in a negative light in order to go on with their lives. It is easier to walk from someone who isn't the one than the "soul-mate" relationship, isn't it?

Solution: Recognize when you've said negative things, but recognize also that you cannot prove they are not those things easily at this time. If they agree to see you in the future, don't pile on and insist on revisiting all the graveyard discussion of what wasn't working but instead build new positive and loving experiences. If they won't meet, you may not get the chance to repair this problem; however, in time, wounds heal. Withdraw with as loving a statement as you can, and let time help heal the wound. Another tactic is to agree with them (but just to one extent): "You were right, it would be difficult to work things out considering how we've hurt each other." This will at least validate their concern that they were hurt by you and maybe open the door in the future to a discussion to occur.

I once made the mistake of agreeing that we weren't right for each other when in truth I felt we WERE right for each other. You might not want to agree to that extent, as it gives TOO MUCH agreement to the thought that values didn't match. So, just agree that they were right, and let them know you wish them well.

3. Symptom: Your partner says "I've found someone new."

Problem: Your partner has met someone else. If your partner is the type who has jumped from one relationship to another quickly in the past, this is highly possible. However, if they tend to move slowly in and out of relationships, then this is less likely. Warning: don't assume this when you don't know - it will just upset them further if the reason is #1 or #2 above.

Solution: If they truly met someone else, consider that this new person is showing their best side to your partner, while you've been showing your worst. The odds of reconciling until the opposite occurs is highly unlikely. The only way to save a relationship where one partner is cheating is to simply show your best side, all the time. You must rise above the jealous, hurt feelings, and expectations that caused your partner to cheat in the first place. Otherwise, consider that they've already left the relationship, and consider moving on without them.

The other choice is to tell them firmly "you must leave" and then cease all communication with them. That approach often has been known to get the cheater to recognize they lost someone worth building more of a life with and they will fight to get you back. The first sign of that fight is when they dump the new person. This only works when you were being good to them and you also continue to be good in how you live your best life after you've kicked them out. So, be careful which path you choose.

4. Symptom: If they say things like "You're too much of a slob for me." Or "We always did what you wanted to do, never what I wanted to do," "I don't like the way you smell," and things like that.

Problem: Your partner is disgusted by you. They've either grown sick of you or your partner truly has had enough of trying to get along with you, and despite your best intentions you may *not* be perfectly matched. On the other hand, they might just be resentful about a few things. There is only one way to find out...

Solution: If your partner is sick of you, has decided you're a jerk, or otherwise has found despicable things about you to hate or resent, you're probably not going to resolve these from continuing that behavior.

The wisest move for you would be to clean up your act! Get your place together. Get back in shape. Do a new hobby, maybe even one they wanted to do together with you (if you truly want to do it). Get some energy work done and focus on being the person you want to attract. That way, if they bump into you in the future, they'll see that you're looking your best, creating a life of success, and with the clean space to allow them back into your heart. They say the best revenge is living well. Better than that, when someone won't reconcile because they're sick of you, the best thing to do is to pull back and then be your BEST self. At least you'll rebuild your self-confidence in the process.

5. Symptom: Your partner says "You were the one who wanted to break up!"

Problem: Your partner was listening to things you said or wrote to them. Perhaps you asked for the distance or asked for the separation yourself, and all they did was honor your request. Don't blame them and tell them they don't love you or crud like that when you may have fueled the very fire you're trying to put out!

Solution: You can't blame them for listening to you and honoring your request. All that you can say is "I was wrong. I change my mind. Your love means the world to me. If you would honor it, I'd appreciate a discussion to determine how we both can get our needs met and the opportunity to prove we can do it."

6. Symptom: Your partner says, "I might consider it, but this is just not a good time" or "I simply cannot meet with you now."

Problem: Your partner wants to reconcile, but not at this time. They need to go process some other things and it will take time for the two of you to even consider getting back together. This situation happens especially when many of the above problems I've described are happening SIMULTANEOUSLY.

Solution: If your partner has considered your request and deferred response, you're best to withdraw, tell them the ball is in their court, and MEAN IT. You cannot contact them again if you say you won't. Don't go by their place, don't call, and move on with your life. Time heals wounds, and distance makes the heart grow fonder. Don't wait by the phone, either. Just go on with your life. Alternatively, you could be like the guy in the song Austin (or P.S. - If This Is Austin) I've related to that song, myself!

7. Symptom: They say something like "I want to go on with my life. I've chosen to do so apart."

Problem: This doesn't sound like a symptom. It sounds like they really want to break up with you. However, it could be a veiled situation, or if they're experiencing the same confusion you were, perhaps they hardened their heart towards you because they were hurt and confused.

Solution: If you've made someone sure that they want to move on without you, my advice is to follow the four step process I'm going to outline below. Let go. Stop bothering them. Let them know you still care and would listen in the future should they want to talk. And, then focus on living your best self!

In case you haven't figured it out yet, the solution for all of this is pretty simple:

The Four-Step Recover Plan From Rejection:

1. Let go. Yep, let go and move on with your life... the old saying "If you love someone, set them free" is the wisest advice in this situation. Need help letting go? Try The Serenity Prayer.

2. Stop doing what you did that didn't work in getting back together. Anything you said or did that repulsed your partner, stop doing that, and do the opposite.

3. Anything you did that did work, do a little more of that (but not if you've flooded your partner).

4. Be your best self. Get yourself back in shape. Start or throw yourself into that new hobby. Clean up your house, your car, and your clothes. Upgrade your life, in all areas. Be true to yourself and be more loving, more fun, more successful.

Notice, in none of this did I suggest that you sit around moping, whining to your friends, continuing to badger or hound your partner, telling them they were wrong or insisting you were right, or anything else that didn't work in reconciling. To do that is to be a loser and operate from your lower self. Don't do that! Instead, I'm suggesting that you let it go, stop expecting everything to go your way, and be your best self.

You will find that by utilizing these solutions and following this four-step system that you will create the life you want. In doing so, you WILL become more attractive to your partner again IN THE FUTURE. That will increase the odds of you two getting back together. For now, don't worry about whether or not they want to reconcile. It really doesn't matter. They've made their choice and I guarantee you they hurt, too. Let them go live their life. And, then go live yours. Live your life as if you WON'T ever reconcile, and you might be surprised: some day, you just might get a phone call.

At the same time, you may have noticed that by following this 4-step system (Let go, stop doing what didn't work, do more of what did work, and be your best self). If you follow this system, over time, your broken and wounded heart WILL heal. Not only that, but you'll feel better about yourself for making and following a plan to get your life back on track. And last but certainly not least, by being your best self, healing naturally, and ceasing to obsess about your lost love, you will become more attractive to someone NEW. You just never know who might pop into your life and it just might be an upgraded situation!

As we clear the clutter from the past, reinvent who we are, and build an exciting new ME, we create a pathway for new love to enter our lives.

Either way, the formula is the same. Commit to it, stay with it, and be true to your highest self. You'll be the empowered person you want to be in doing so.

Learn more about Reconciliation from AspireNow:
Let Go Of Guilt and Resentment
How To Know When Its Over
What Women Want
11 Steps To Stop Fighting And Make Up
How and When To Reconcile

Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog. If you are experiencing a serious relationship problem, we recommend you seek a qualified relationship therapist. This information is guided by the terms and conditions posted at Austin Lyrics by Blake Shelton are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, Austin Lyrics by Blake Shelton are provided for educational purposes only , If you like the song, please buy relative CD.

"Can This Relationship Be Saved" on AspireNow Show

The AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self-Help Show features CEO and Founder of AspireNow, Scott Andrews, speaking about "Reconciliation and Relationships: Can This Relationship Be Saved" this Tuesday evening.

Show Date: Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Show Time: 5:00 PM PST / 8:00 PM EST
CALL IN!: (724) 444-7444 Enter: 37792 # 1 # It's simple and easy!


Scott Andrews, Author and Founder of, leads a discussion about "Reconciliation and Relationships: Can This Relationship Be Saved? Have you been struggling in your relationship? Perhaps you've been repressing things you'd like to say to your partner, but before you could clear the air everything blew up in your face. Or, maybe you've been sensing increased unhappiness with events that were crossing your core values. You couldn't take anymore, and ended it. Now, you have second thoughts. You miss your partner. You're not sure why it got that ugly, and now you're trying to figure out if anything can be done to "fix" your broken relationship. Or, maybe you're just thinking you've gotten in a rut, and could use a relationship tune-up.

Whether blissfully in-love or trying to heal a broken heart, this show is going to give you step-by-step instructions for determining:

1. Is it worth the effort to consider a reconciliation?
2. Are you really incompatible: reality check, do your values match or is it perspective?
3. How can you get back together?
4. What to do if you're rejected?
5. How to move on and get on with your life?
6. Ways to gain closure.
7. Ways to reconcile and rebuild the love you once had.

Don't do like Romeo & Juliet! Not all relationships need end in tragedy. Why not end the pain and find ways to proactively start living the life you were supposed to be living all along? Scott's been spending weeks analyzing this subject and believes he's put together some of the most leading-edge content for this dynamic show that anyone trying to build more love in their lives won't want to miss - call in with your questions, too! This show promises to be better than putting Humpty-Dumpty back together again.

It's fun and educational to join the call:

CALL IN!: (724) 444-7444 Enter: 37792 # 1 #

It's simple and easy to join in. See you there!
Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Let Go Of Guilt and Resentment

Let Go Of Guilt and Resentment, by Scott Andrews, Founder of

Do you have guilt and resentment?

Perhaps you recently were in a fight or dispute with someone you loved. Did you say things you regret? Perhaps worded things in a way that hurt a friend? Maybe you mis-spoke, or failed to say something that might have mattered. Whatever the case, it sounds like guilt. And guilt like this leads to resentment, which leads to frustration and disconnection in our relationships.

Are you saying to yourself, "If only I had done...?"
Are you thinking, "I shouldn't have said those things... I was so mean..."
Are you thinking, "I should do this now, or do that now...."

These types of things are all forms of guilt.

You will notice guilt through the pain in your shoulders. Notice the word "should" and the word "shoulder"... where do you think the "should's" go in your body? That's right! Directly to your shoulders. So, if you're carrying around guilt, it is more than likely that you have pain or stiffness in your shoulders. This pain may even be running down your arms or up your neck, if you're in extreme guilt mode. I've also read that you can also find pain from guilt in your ankles. So, if you're having ankle pain, release guilt, too.

How can you get out of this pain from guilt?

Answer: You can get rid of the guilt by letting go of resentment.

Let go of the guilt and resentment. Stop harboring these thoughts and thinking those "If only..." types of thoughts. The fact of the matter is, you didn't. The only thing we can control now is what we DO NOW.

More causes of guilt and solutions to dealing with guilt:

Often, we have guilt when we were trying to control another person. This can happen when we are trying to manipulate their behavior. Or, when we're trying to withdraw from them and they don't listen. Both are forms of manipulation.

Giving someone the cold shoulder can create guilt. After all, the cold shoulder is cold from heart to shoulder. Offering them an ear, only to be told how you were wrong and they were right, well, this can create guilt, too. Release trying to control other people. The only person you can control is yourself. When you release that attempt at control, you release the guilt that has built within you. Just let the guilt go and breath through your body. Relax your shoulders and let yourself feel love again to let go of guilt. It's there for the taking if you want it.

Other times, we might have guilt when we did something that hurt someone. Let's face it, hurting other people is sometimes a part of life. We may not have meant to hurt them, or perhaps we said something in response to something they triggered in us. In any event, I need to point out that guilt from hurting someone can be assuaged by apologizing; however, after the initial apology you must just let it go. Leave the past in the past and focus on happier things in the future.

Another form of guilt happens when someone was overbearing with us. In that situation, we may feel guilty that we didn't do what they wanted. More likely, we might feel guilt over allowing them to dominate us. After all, we have our own inner voice. Can't we listen to that and heed the call? We think these thoughts, and they create guilt within us. This guilt will also built up pain in your body. Let it go. You cannot control what other people do. You did what you did, the past is the past. Leave it there. Some people want to be dominated, others like dominating, and it isn't the end of the world. Just reclaim who you are, let your shoulders be strong and back again, and let your guilt go free. You'll feel better when you do.

Last, we might have guilt over something done to us. That type of guilt is more about shame or embarrassment. That type of guilt can be due to abuse, or perhaps someone left us, or maybe they rejected us. That type of guilt is also something we cannot control. We cannot control whether or not someone wants to be with us. If they do not wish to be with us, that is their choice. Respect their choice, and let go of the expectation that we needed them. We didn't NEED them. We don't need anybody or anything. All we need is love, and that love comes from within first. We may have WANTED them, but there is a clear difference. Release the NEED for another person and let the guilt over things done or not done for us go. Relax your shoulders again and get your moxie back.

If you've been feeling guilt and resentment you can also feel the opposite: acceptance and forgiveness. When you are successful at releasing the guilt and accepting what is, and then releasing resentment through forgiving the past, you are ready to embrace the future again with refreshed shoulders and a refreshed body. This article focused more on guilt than resentment. I've got an article on forgiveness that also helps with resentment here.
_______________________________________________________ Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Monday, April 21, 2008

How To Know When It's Over

I had someone ask me today "How do we know when it is not over?" regarding their relationship.

How do you know when it is over and how do you know when it is NOT over?

There are many answers you can find on this subject, ranging from:

1. You know it is over when they've charged up all your bank accounts.
2. You know it is over when they say a hostile word or phrase you can't stand to you.
3. It is over when they abuse or do something to hurt you.
4. It ends when they cheat on you.
5. It is over when they say they no longer love you.
6. It is over when they say mean things to you.
7. It ends when they break up with you.
8. It is over when you're asking this question.
9. It is over when your friends are telling you to get out.
10. It is over when they tell you that you're not the one for them.

Well, there are many, many things that people say to each other, do to each other, and act out at each other when they are upset. I wish it wasn't so, but this is a part of life and people.

The truth of the matter is that when one person breaks up with another, there is more than likely just one of two things happening:

#1: The dumper broke up because they do not feel that their needs are getting met, things are being done or happening that they feel are disrespectful, and/or they feel invalidated for some reason or other. If this partner acknowledges that they still "love you" even though they broke up with you, they were likely creating a breakup or allowing an event to cause a breakup in order to create a crisis to get attention on problems that need to be resolved in order to live happier together. They are upset enough to risk the relationship in order to meet these needs, get the respect and validation they feel they deserve, and take the chance at a higher life by risking their present lower satisfaction life they are experiencing with their unmet needs.

In this instance, the dumpee can likely save the relationship by taking action to acknowledge their partner's concerns, validate their position, and take actions to improve the situation. This is typically recommended when YOU STILL LOVE THEM, too. If this is your situation, my recommendation is to suck up your pride, quit drawing lines in the sand, and get BACK into communication with your partner as soon as you are able to do so.

Now, on the other hand, if you don't still love them, and can face the picture of a life without them in it, then let them go. It is better to do that than create more pain by developing more resentment by staying in a non-working relationship.

#2: The dumper broke it off because they've been in such a difficult position for so long that they've lost all feeling, concern, and care for the dumpee. If this is the situation you are in, you have a tough road ahead of you if you still love the dumper. In this instance, it is more than likely that you are done, and will have a difficult time saving your relationship, no matter what you do.

If this is your situation, I recommend you go on with your life and dig back into your life purpose. If you're suffering from depression for more than a few days, seek professional help. Whatever you do, don't go crazy and take your life or hurt anyone because of your loss. Remember, life DOES go on, no matter what you do.

Whether you are dealing with #1 or #2, remember that all dating partners, love relationships, and marriages are ultimately a choice. Even if someone has broken up with you for reason #1 doesn't necessarily mean you CAN or SHOULD work it out. It just means that you probably will be able to get back together and you are likely not finished because you still love each other.

Is the situation worth saving to you?
Truly, only you can answer that question.

How do you really know when it is over? My feeling is that if people are still both in love with each other, they are doing each other a disservice to break up when they have unresolved issues.

Other related articles:
What Women Want
11 Steps To Stop Fighting And Make Up
How and When To Reconcile

Learn the Top Signs Your Ex Wants You Back - Click Here!

Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Making A Bed You're Happy To Lie In, with Dr. Michelle Casto on the AspireNow Show

Join Scott as he interviews special guest, Dr. Michelle Casto, author of the popular Get Smart Series of self-help books and Life Coach at for a special talk on "Purpose: Making A Bed You're Happy To Lie In" at the AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self Help Radio this week.

Show Date: Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Show Time: 5:00 PM PST / 8:00 PM EST

"Purpose: Making A Bed You're Happy To Lie In"

Do you dream of living life on your own terms---deciding for yourself what makes your heart sing? Do you want to achieve the success and happiness that you desire and deserve?
Do you desire to become the person you were born to be, do what you came to do, fulfill your purpose, and live out your destiny?

What other insights does Michelle offer about Life Purpose? Don't miss this show!

You'll get more insights into purpose than a rainbow has colors. It's fun and educational to join the call:

CALL IN!: (724) 444-7444
Enter: 37792 # 1 #

It's simple and easy to join in. See you there!

Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

When and How To Reconcile

Have you and your partner recently gone through tough times?

If so, things may have been said that hurt you. In fact, your partner may have even done things that upset you, caused you to feel they didn't understand you, or maybe even intentionally hurt you. Things like that happen during misunderstandings, sometimes. Yes, after misunderstandings we often will face the potential of an offer for reconciliation. Is your partner offering to reconcile with you? What will you do? How will you handle it? Do you get mean or be nice? There are important questions to consider and it requires a delicate touch to do it right.

Are you or your partner considering a reconciliation?
How can you know when and how to reconcile?

What do you do when your partner returns to you, pouring out their heart and soul to you, asking you to consider a reconciliation? Which finger do you give him? Do you give him a middle-finger salute, tell him or her to "Get therapy", "Go on with your life, I'm done with you" or do you give him a finger of friendship and tell him "I hear you, I'm sorry you're hurting, I'm hurting, too and will talk with you..." or do you give him your wedding ring finger and say "Put your money where your mouth is - let's see the diamond! I love you, too."

If your partner is a female and seeking reconciliation, do you tell her, "Well, I hope you get help - you're disturbed! Beat it!" Or do you tell her, "It wasn't you, it was me." Or do you tell her "Sweetie, I understand you're offering a chance at reconciliation, let me take stock of where I am at and get back to you" or "Yes, I hurt, too. Why don't we talk...?" or "Yes, I love you, too. I accept your offer, baby!"

The response you give your partner just might determine the fate of your future possible relationship with this same partner. Sure, you might be broken up now, but sometimes people must go through a challenge to hone their love. It is not unusual that people hit bumps in the love road of romance and being together. It is quite normal, in fact. So, what do you do when they come to you?


Some people think that once you decide to break up with someone, that yes, it ought to be over, and that is that. Well, that's nice in a book. But life isn't like that some times. Sometimes people break up because they have been invalidated, treated poorly, and hurt. Sometimes, they'd stay together if you talked with them and made the effort to work it out. So, don't just dismiss all breakups as "final and over". That's my first recommendation.

Next, some people will only offer reconciliation once. I'm not big on roller coaster relationships; however, I must say that life itself is not all even terrain - sometimes we must go through a storm to cross a sea. So, don't just dismiss a reconciliation as weakness, as it may be a genuine profession of true love for you! In other words, be very careful how you treat your partner when they approach you telling you "I still love you, I miss you" after a break up.

If you are angry over a perceived break-up, trying to move on, and your partner approaches you, I would only suggest to you that you consider that your partner might be really hurting, truly missing you, and feeling overwhelming love and thus, willing to take a chance to have you give him or her the bad finger. Clearly, if you've had a disconnect, that is a possibility. At the same time, your partner knows that you might also just be indifferent, which will also hurt them if they are baring their entire soul and heart to you. Certainly, if they come to you professing that they love you and miss you with sobbing tears, they probably DO love you and miss you.


So, choose your words carefully. I had someone once tell me all the things they'd done in the relationship and blamed me for their stuff. It was ridiculous, and it didn't result in reconciliation. Another time, I had someone treat me like a child. That didn't work, either. One time, a woman decided that our lunch after hot love-making session was a good time to break out her "top ten list of things I hate about you" that she claimed I needed to change to date me again. She made it to about #7 when I decided I'd made a huge mistake! Another difficult relationship scenario, when I went back, baring my soul, she told me to "Get therapy. You're just making it worse. Life goes on." I didn't need therapy. I know my heart and I just experience emotions on a deep level. Yeah, I was looking for "I love you and miss you, too." So, I know how it feels to be someone seeking reconciliation and having it not work out. I've also reconciled successfully, too. Usually, a reconciliation fares better - even if the relationship doesn't work out - when both people are NICE to each other. Needless to say, in all of these situation, a reconciliation did not occur.

Remember, in breaking-up, reconciling, as in getting together, try, try, try to do it LOVINGLY.

I would recommend that you keep your response to a reconciliation offer to one of either neutrality "I need to determine if I'm ready to reconcile" or "I need to handle some things to make sure we can have a healthy relationship" or the more positive "I'd like to consider your reconciliation. Let's meet to discuss this and see if we can work it out."

I'm not sure I recommend receiving the offer and immediately accepting it, unless you know you were in the wrong and owe them a BIG apology. Then, you might want to say, "Honey, I'm sooo sorry for how I treated you. I love you, too. Let's talk about how to get back together!"

Are you considering offering a reconciliation?

There are some complicated issues around reconciliation. Not all situations are created equal. If your situation is a particularly challenging situation, I strongly recommend you seek professional assistance to help you decide what to do.

1. For example, was there abuse involved?

If your partner, or their family members, were verbally or physically abusing you, then you might thank your lucky stars and be happy that you're out. Why go back to someone who is abusive? Nobody needs to endure that. If you think it might be a temporary situation and could be resolved, then you *could* consider the reconciliation, but I wouldn't recommend it without professional help involved to mitigate your concerns. Abuse (verbal, physical, rape, etc.) -- especially when the threat of physical harm was present -- is the most serious of break-up concerns.

2. Was someone saying that the other was not meeting their needs? There are many needs we have in a relationship. Some are financial. Others are what we do together for activities. Others are sexual. And, some others, just understanding and communicating together. Relationships can break down in many ways. If someone was not meeting the others' needs, it is important to see what is causing these needs to be unmet. If it is the partner, why go back to reconcile when they've already demonstrated they won't meet your needs - UNLESS - they make a wholehearted effort to embrace, acknowledge, and recognize their shortcoming and make a sincere effort to meet your request.

Now, at the same time, if YOU were the one who wasn't meeting their needs, maybe you need to look in the mirror and say "can I do that?" and if you can, step up. If you can't, respectfully decline and go on with your life.

Are they telling you that you need to make more money? Can you? Are you trying to do something that is causing your family finances serious harm? You might consider something temporary to help mitigate the concern.

Are they saying they'd like you to participate in more of a certain activity? Can you do it? If so, make a date to do so.

Is your partner telling you that you are not satisfying their sexual needs? Then you need to consider if they are being demanding or requesting something reasonable that you can comply with doing. If you can comply, quit holding out and give it up! You'll both be happier.

3. Is someone getting invalidated? If something happened that upset you, was it because you were invalidating your partner or ignoring their concerns? If so, you might need to apologize and get it together. It is important to validate each other. Did someone ask for an apology? Why? Perhaps you didn't validate them. This is a concern that can cause you to get very frustrated and say things that later you might wish you hadn't. So, recognize if someone has said things to you that seemed out of character, as if they were seeking validation for a concern and you failed to give it. Now, if their request was out of order, then you may be right not to validate it. However, if their request was sane and reasonable, then get off your high horse and sincerely apologize!

If someone asks you for an apology, and out of anger you give it, but don't mean it, be careful. Because, you'll likely slip later and say something like "you were demanding" and they'll pick up on your lack of sincerity, if they're paying attention. If you don't mean to apologize, well, I guess don't, but I've always felt that if someone is demanding an apology from me that I've usually failed to validate something they were sharing with me and I probably owed an apology of some sort.

Reconciliations aren't easy. There isn't a magic way to do it. The only thing I can tell you is that if you ever loved your partner, and they are coming to you offering you an olive branch, consider showing them love in your communications. You might be glad you did later.

If you decide that yes, you do want to reconcile, then I'd suggest trying the following approach.

How to Reconcile With Your Partner:

1. Meet in a public, neutral place. Don't meet in your favorite restaurant or cafe. That would create a situation overly strong with memories. Instead, choose a new place that is reasonably quiet AND comfortable so that you can communicate clearly.

2. Agree to be respectful, fair, and loving towards each other. Let them know there are concerns and get an agreement to work on the concerns. When you feel the time is right, share some concerns and see if your partner is willing to work on those concerns.

3. You do not have to agree that you were wrong on every concern your partner has in order to reconcile. However, you will probably be wise to agree on the points where you can agree. Dale Carnegie once wrote "To resolve an argument, start with agreement." It's pretty wise advice.

4. Be nice and loving as much as humanly possible. You will get more with honey than vinegar, trust me.

5. Don't be vain, shallow, overly emotional, or demanding. Remember, love usually includes words like "forgiveness, gratitude, acceptance, respect, and giving." Don't be a woose. Just be who you are. Be real and be loving.

6. Offer to make concessions and do what your partner needs if it is within reason and doesn't violate who you are at your core. Ask for what you want, too.

7. Make a sincere effort to deliver anything that you commit to do. People tend to get along better with other people who keep their agreements. So, keep your agreements. If you agree to go to a counsellor for a period of time, then go to the counsellor for that period of time. If you agree to get a new job, then get a new job. If you agree to discipline the kids differently, then discipline the kids differently. If you agree to give more sex, then give more sex. If you agree to do certain activities, then do them! Whatever you commit to in order to reconcile you must deliver to honor and respect both yourself and your partner.

See if these tips don't help you create a more healthy reconciliation if you're ever broken up in your relationship.

What if you don't want to reconcile?

If you decide that you do not want to reconcile, still, be nice and be as loving as possible. Let them know you've loved and appreciated all they've done for you, but as in life some things don't last forever and you've decided to move on. Wish them well on their journey. I've written more articles that might help you with a break-up at and here at this blog.

Learn more about dating and relationships from AspireNow:
Solving Sabotage Syndrome
Healing a Broken Heart
Is He or She The One?
SoulMates or In The Meantime

The magic of making up: how to get your ex back!

Visit Smooth Sailing to get even more relationship advice.

Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. This information is provided for entertainment purposes. Seek professional assistance if your situation warrants.

Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Why Does Love Hurt So Much?

I'm sure you've heard the expression: Love Hurts. Why does love have to hurt so much?

Truly, I wish I had the answer. When we go through a breakup, our eyes get puffy from lack of sleep and crying. Our chest hurts probably not so much from an actual breaking heart but more likely shortness of breath because we are in "fear" mode.

Why Does Love Hurt So Much?

Yes, when we lose someone we've been with for a while, we are losing love. Or, at least we are in fear that we are losing love. And, fear blocks love. When we go into that mode, it seems that we are creating more of what we don't want: less love.

So, if you're hurting - and I can empathize with your pain - try to remember to keep breathing. Allow yourself to feel hurt, allow yourself to feel the loss, but remember than when you create a space in your life you might be allowing more love to come into your life in the not-so-distant future.

Not only that, but sometimes we need to release things in order to grow. I think this is where most relationships fall down: expectation and attachment to things hoped for but not entirely real. It is those expectations that drive some people to drugs or alcohol, others to immerse themselves in their work, the kids, food, exercise, or any other number of obsessions to try to deal with unmatched expectation.

The only thing I can say to you, if this is what you've been doing, is to consider releasing the expectation. Releasing the expectation is really the only opportunity to create a truly healthy, happy relationship, anyway.

I'm not suggesting this so that you necessarily get back together. Just release it anyway and see how life unfolds.

And, in the meantime, remember to keep breathing. Remember to do the things you love most. Remember to be loving to your friends and family who love you.

I write these words with all the love in my heart, to you, the person who may be hurting.

The pain will recede over time. Life will go on, if you let it. Release control, take a deep breath, and let it out. Then do it again. Keep yourself busy with exercise. Clear out any clutter that's been blocking you from being healthy environment or creating unnecessary attachment, too. Once you do, you will feel more alive, more free, and more able to love with the WHOLE you again.

See other related articles:
Breaking Up
The AspireNow Break Up Guide
How To Get Over A Painful Breakup
Digging In The Dirt

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond)

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life

How To Break Up
Solving Sabotage Syndrome
Healing a Broken Heart
Is He or She The One?
SoulMates or In The Meantime

Thank you for being a reader of AspireNow articles! I appreciate you.

Want to learn how to get your ex back? Click Here!

Click here if you'd like to show a little appreciation back, in terms of a donation, visit The Most Powerful Law article, and you'll see a donate tab on the bottom left of the page. Abundance will flow your way, too!

Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. This article is provided for entertainment. If your situation is serious, if you're experiencing depression for more than a few days, or if you are contemplating suicidal thoughts, please seek help immediately!

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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Timing and The Law Of Attraction

Ever feel like things aren't happening quite when you want?

If you're trying to master the Law of Attraction: I know that feeling: where you've created the space, enabled the idea to occur, focused on what I want, and yet.... nothing happens. Or at least, it seems like nothing is happening.

The problem with the concern about timing and the law of attraction comes from human nature: desire, ego, and time.

I had someone tell me recently that the Chinese guy, Ti-Ming has a way of messing with our ability to manifest. But my thoughts on this differ a bit. It isn't so much a matter of timing as a matter of control. Our EGO wants to control HOW we get what we want. The Law of Attraction doesn't always work like that: sometimes, we must release the HOW to be open to receive the WHAT.

Are we still trying to control the HOW of what we want? Because, usually, we only control the WHAT of what we want. The HOW is up to the UNIVERSE to decide for us. That's the trick with the Law of Attraction talked about in the movie, The Secret. We must release THE HOW to the UNIVERSE after setting up the intention.

Then, be open for what follows.

When it comes to the issue of timing, I call this the WHEN. We also must release the WHEN as sometimes we'll get MORE simply through patience or a redirection that comes to releasing the HOW.

Try releaseing the how and focusing just on the WHAT for a while, make a note of the date you thought of it, then revisit in 6 months. My bet is that you'll manifest more than you're realizing, just in different ways than you thought. That's the HOW of the UNIVERSE, in action.

Related links about the Law of Attraction:

Here's a way to maximize the law of attaction and help you manifest your dreams more easily, with an OrangePeel Dream Collage vision board for your computer:

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Monday, April 14, 2008

Inspiration From Marlee Matlin

Do you watch the television show Dancing With The Stars? This season, I've caught onto it. Why? Several reasons: I've always been a fan of Adam Corolla's wit and enjoyed the first few shows where he made everyone laugh. Also, I remember when Kristi Yamaguchi won the Ladies Singles event at the 1992 Winter Olympics. Her grace and highly-developed skating skills are helping her compete well for the top. And, these stars are fun to watch compete.

Not only that, but the dancing is pretty impressive! I also aspire to be a better samba, rumba, swing, and tango dancer. As a musician, I appreciate the music. As a beginning dancer, I appreciate the challenge these stars face. They are doing a fantastic job learning a new dance EVERY WEEK! And, these dances aren't easy: they have to impress keen judges. The schedule of this show is so difficult for the stars that they often don't get much time around their family. It is highly demanding upon them mentally, emotionally, and physically.

But more than any of these reasons for loving this season's Dancing With The Stars, I am especially inspired by MARLEE MATLIN.

Why? Well, Kristi has an unfair advantage: she's been performing routines like dancing during her skating routines. The other stars are used to acting, and Marlee Matlin is no exception. But what makes it so much more impressive that Marlee is out there competing and still in the running (as of the time I write this piece) even though Marlee Matlin is DEAF.

I know, so what, just another handicap, right? WRONG. Being deaf, for a dancer, is one heckuva challenge. And Marlee is not just deaf, but PROFOUNDLY DEAF. She really can't hear the music. I've never seen a deaf person dance so well in all of my life. Tonight, she stumbled twice during the samba dance. For those who don't know, samba is fast and really difficult to dance even if you're a dancer and used to hearing the music and feeling the beat.

Here's a You Tube from Week 1 when Marlee came on the show:

The judges:

"What you did out there was SO INSPIRING."
"You had great choreography. You did a GREAT job."
"UNBELIEVABLE. You may not hear, but the music is running through your blood."

"As a mother of four I'm doing it for my kids. Why not, life is short!"

It was SO AWESOME to see Marlee shaking her hips to the beat, taking chances that most people with normal hearing wouldn't even risk, and going for a flip over her head at one point! Amazing. I'm so impressed with the human spirit of this woman.

We've seen Marlee do this before, with acting. She has been acting since a kid, but amazed the whole world in her debut movie performance, Children of a Lessor God, where she won an Academy Award for her performance.

According to Wikipedia, Marlee also has published a book about her childhood in 2002 and in 2004 she starred in one of my favorite movies, "What The Bleep Do We Know?" where she dug into the quantum physics of life experiences.1 If you read Marlee's background you will learn that she is an avid supporter of promoting sign language as a non-verbal form of communication and also is a leader in representing closed caption broadcasts. Not only that, but she also is a MOTHER of FOUR children. How does she do it? In hearing her talk, I could tell that she simply believes SHE CAN and then fights through the adversity to PROVE she can. Yes!

What especially resonated for me in watching tonight's show was to hear Marlee say, in her own words, how much she wanted to be an example for deaf people how they CAN do WHATEVER THEY WANT. Then she went out and showed it with a FUN and SPIRITED dance performance to the challenging samba dance. She talked about how scary it was to slip at one point but recovered, overcame the adversity of slipping again, and finished impressively to score respectably. No, she probably won't win the event - Kristi Yamaguchi and her partner are just too strong - but she is showing quite well and placing in the middle of the group.

Marlee said "dancing the samba was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I fought through it..." and the judges also said they were inspired by Marlee, too.

I was so inspired that I not only wrote this article, I even picked up a phone and cast a vote for Marlee (you can dial 1-800-868-3412 to vote for her, too).

Kudos to Marlee Matlin. Thank you for showing deaf people that there is HOPE and if you want something bad enough, anything you want to do you CAN do. Go for it and represent your cause with all your heart. Marlee's doing it. Are you?

Who has inspired you this week? Are you finding the beauty in other people? They are out there, every day, for us to notice.

Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

If You Don't Get What You Want What Do You Do?

Do you know what to do if you don't get what you want?

It's a question I recently dealt with in part of my life. I've seen other people struggle with relationships, and noticed they were dating "bad boys" but then they kept dating bad boys when they'd choose their next partner. They then wondered why they weren't getting the lasting love they sought.

Someone else wanted a better career, but kept on going to the drudgery of the job because they had to pay their bills. They wanted something else, but never took enough action to warrant anything other than what they got.

Another friend keeps talking about losing weight. But, they just aren't committed to a lifestyle of healthy eating, physical activity, and regular meals to make sure they lose the extra weight and get in shape.

Is this you?

Clearly, if we aren't getting what we want, we are probably not taking the right ACTIONS to warrant the reward from the Universe to come our way.

What's the solution?

I hate to make it sound simple, but I think it starts here:


When we focus on what we want, we can make a plan. Then, we must work our plan to realize what we want. For example, I decided this past week that I want to be more physically active now that my foot and shoulder have healed. So, the first thing is to focus on being more physically active.


Next, we must have a priority to do what we're focused upon. If we cannot keep our commitments or make an extra effort, nothing will happen. I remember the first time I was invited to play with a band with my saxophone. I was scared. I wasn't sure if I could play what they wanted, or even if they'd like how I played. The first time I showed up, I was rusty. That band decided I wasn't their guy. The next time I was invited to a different band, I was scared, again! I decided to go and was SO GLAD I did, later. I recall playing with that band for five years and together created some of the most memorable nights out in my life and some really fun gigs. You see, I had to feel the fear but do it anyway in order to live that dream.

It was similar when I wanted to "sit in" with various jazz acts. I found out that if I showed up with my sax at a club, invariably, the band leader would ask me "What's in the case?" and I could get invited to play. It took initiative to make it a priority to practice, go out to the club, and wait until I got my chance.

With my new exercise goal, I've played golf one day, tennis the next, salsa dancing the following day, swimming the next, and today I hope to go for a bike ride or lift some weights. I pretty much made it an objective to do something for 30 minutes to 2 hours EVERY DAY. I feel happy about this new goal and my progress towards it already!


When we get bogged down with pressure from other activities or responsibilities, it is easy to lose focus and quit the activities that lead to getting what we want. It is important to dig in on those times when it would be easy to blow off the activity and do it anyway.

Are trying to get a new career started?

In order to get what you want with your career you might need to work on weekends or in the evening after dinner even after you'd rather relax and watch television. Are you committed to do this even when you are tired and your candle is burning low?

Are you trying to lose weight?

In order to get what you want with your health you might need to change your diet, avoid fast food, quit drinking alcohol, and start working out for an hour four times a week. Are you committed to do this even when you're tired or missing the old food?

Are you trying to make/save more money?

In order to get what you want with money you might need to make sure you stop spending unnecessarily and saving that money in a special bank account, instead. Are you committed to giving up the spontaneous shopping habit or buying frivolous things you don't need? Are you committed to putting money to work for you in new ways?

Are you trying to learn a new hobby?

In order to get what you want with your hobbies (art, sports, music, etc.) you might need to make sure you pick up the instrument for two hours and play for a while, buy paints and start to paint at least three times a week, or do other things. I find that we must do something at least three times a week in order to develop a new hobby. You can develop some level of competence with a couple of hours effort at least three times a week.


If you're struggling to get what you want, you probably lost focus on your effort or things you're developing somewhere along the way. Yet, the problem may be deeper than that. If your core beliefs don't support your new "want" then you probably won't get what you want! What you want to get must be aligned with your core beliefs, so if you're missing, take a look at that map and make sure they align with each other. The thing you want must match your belief system in order to manifest it.

Do you need a new belief? Put a penny in your shoe! If you attach a touchstone or other object to your new belief, it can be valuable to repeat the mantra, repeat the activity, or put some other reminder, such as a penny in your shoe, to remind you of your goals. You must keep it there for 21 days, and even better if you go for 40 days. These are magic numbers, so take advantage of them!

It's always fun to set new goals and map out what we most want for your life. If you haven't done it in a while, take inventory of where you're at with social, health, spiritual, family, friendships, hobbies, career, education/learning, and so on. Set a few new goals that match your value system and have fun accomplishing what you so deserve to manifest.

If you're really stumped about this whole process, I strongly recommend my life purpose e-book, which will totally help you get on track. Just make sure you take an two hours a day for the first week to complete the exercises in the workbook!

You can buy my life purpose e-workbook here:

If what you desire matches your core values then you most likely deserve to get what you want!
So, instead of moping about or griping about not getting what you want, shift your focus, get excited and committed to the new objective, take actions that support the activity, and remain committed to the goal. Life is, after all, what we make of it.

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Saturday, April 12, 2008

Do Your Kids Always Come First?

Do the kids always come first?

In today's American Society, many single mother's and fathers have this expression:

"My kids come first."

I understand why they might say this. However, in dating, this expression creates a SERIOUS problem.

I'll explain what I mean.

Kids come first when it comes to CARE.

Yes, the kids need to come first in terms of you caring for them, providing a roof over their head, making sure their fed before you go off galavanting on dates, good times, or other self-serving situations. The kids may also come first over your desire of activities or how you handle day-to-day life choices. But this dynamic MUST change when you are in a relationship. How can you put the kids first if your boyfriend/girlfriend (possible husband/wife-to-be) is supposed to be #1 as your friend and lover? The kids cannot come between the new glue you are building in your romantic relationship. And, it is up to the PARENT to make sure this doesn't happen.

But, that's easier said, than done, isn't it?

Now, when it is a matter of CARE, yes, your child will come first. Your husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, or wife ought to be able to care for herself.

Clearly, it is a parent's first reaction to defend their child. So, that is not what I'm talking about.

What I am talking about is when your child IS WRONG and when it is a matter of DISCIPLINE or RESPECT. And, yes, there will be those moments. In those moments, you MUST support your relationship partner over the child. Why? Because, if you don't, then the child can get away with whatever they want (and know it) and this will eventually cause separation or resentment between your new partner and you.

In moments of discipline or respect, your partner MUST come first.

I can attest to this. I've seriously dated six different women (at different times, of course) who each had a son about 10 years old. Anyway, in each of these situations, there were situations where the mother had to discipline her child for the way the child acted around me or treated me. One thing I don't want in my life is disrespect, not from my friends, not from my lover, and not from her children. If the child is showing disrespect (talking back, saying rude things, acting rudely, or doing something threatening) these things would send up a relationship yellow flag - and quite possible RED flag - IF the mother didn't do anything to rectify the problem. I would always consider verbal abuse (saying "f-u" for example) or physical abuse (grabbing something to hit the parent's partner) as a strong RED flag to the partner (and possibly the parent) to end the relationship and suggest both the child and parent get help or counseling.

This is a possible sign that the relationship has already crossed the "no-go" boundaries of respect because the mother is putting the child first and defending behavior (or not properly disciplining such behavior) as to allow the child to create a barrier between her and her partner. If this is your situation, I suggest you get professional help!

There are certain times where the mother can show love but stop the kid in their tracks if they are talking back, being rude, and so forth. But the times the mother or father must be 100% behind the partner is if the child PHYSICALLY THREATENS or CUSSES at the partner. It can happen. I know - it happened to me. The child was completely over-reacting, being disrespectful, selfish, rude, and immature. The parent, whether mother or father, must not allow disrespectful, rude, and immature behavior towards their partner or they are creating a presedence that backs their partner into a no-man's land.

Are you dealing with something similar? Suggest to your partner that he or she put YOU first - when the child is out of line, there is NO other way. Otherwise, your relationship is likely to have significant issues that may eventually derail your ability to stay together. The bond between parents and their children is THAT strong that yes, it can blow the whole thing up no matter how much you love each other.

Are you a divorced (single) parent of a boy or girl? Are you expecting your partner to be a miracle worker, and somehow be loving towards your kids AND remain aloof when it comes to discipline? Do you realize how impossible a situation you might be putting your partner in? This problem gets worse if you back your kid instead of your hopeful spouse when your loving little child is acting like a spoiled rotten little brat! Now, if your partner is out of line, okay, correct that with them. But there is no reason why children should get away with things that a life partner would not, is there?

Can the child try to undermine the relationship?

What if the child secretly wants you and your partner to break up? IF they then act untowardly towards your partner, is it possible they might undermine your relationship? Darn right they will! It happened to me on two occasions! When this occurs, you're dealing with what's known in counselling circles as a "wedge" in your relationship. If you allow your child (and your partner) to build a wedge, you're in a difficult spot as a parent. Try, at all costs, to eliminate any formations of a wedge at first sign of appearance.

What's the solution?

If you put your focus first on your God, second on your partner, third on your children, you will likely have a more healthy and balanced situation.

I wish American society would stop putting this huge emphasis on "they are my everything" because I'd have been pissed if I'd have been my parent's everything. Frankly, I'm grateful that my parents have their own life, their own friends, and their on interests they pursue. It makes them healthy, happy people. If they lived completely, vicariously through me, they'd be only living part of their life purpose.

And, as you all know, I'm deeply interested in living on purpose.

RED FLAGS: There comes a point when it is clear that a child is getting away with murder: when they can physically threaten your partner and you DEFEND their behavior. Are you allowing this? If you are, YOU are likely the biggest part of the problem. Yes, the child needs to be disciplined, but if you're defending your child's behavior you must know you're not helping your partner build a stronger connection with you.

Are you being threatened by a child of the person you're dating? Are you concerned about this? You ought to be! If this isn't a red flag to you, you're clearly out of touch with relationship road signs. Be careful when you are dating. This is why they call it "dating" instead of marriage. You have an opportunity to spot problems and either solve them together or end the affair. Wouldn't it be better to spot a problem BEFORE tying the knot and ending it before someone got seriously hurt?

That's what I recommend if that's your situation.

My philosophy on relationships is simple: eyes first on God, second on each other, third on family, fourth on friends and career. If you live your life in such a way, you'll have a very happy, very loving family situation - even if you're single and trying to date.

This is how it pens out in my mind, in the matter of spiritual balance and in the matter of RESPECT, it MUST be like this:


It's the only way it all can work. I know this isn't easy. And, I don't claim to be an expert on parenting. But, I HAVE chosen to be the significant other in a relationship where the mother had children on more than one occasion and I can say that if you ALWAYS put the CHILD first you're giving your partner no way to win in the relationship.

Kids: Be kind to your step parents, and the partner's of your parent - it's hard to be in their shoes! Yes, play with the step or dating partner, but also respect their boundaries and mind them as your own parent. You'll get further in the long run if you do.

To the single parent: give your partner first nod above your child when it comes to matters of respect, discipline, love, and then show your child the care - together - that you ought to show them together. Discuss things with your partner and try to understand your partner's point of view. Your life will be much less stressful and much more on purpose if you can achieve this balance.

To the person who dates the single parent: Be patient... you will need forgiveness to minimize the resentment of the child's attention from your partner.

Try suggesting this position of God First, Partner Second, Kids Third, and be true to your values, and don't let children show you disrespect! As the partner of their parent, you deserve to be treated with respect, love, and care. Show them love, give to them, and they ought to respond accordingly. There will be moments where you must release expectation and forgive if you are to date and/or marry (and remain married) to a partner with children. Don't be afraid to honor the signals you're given: GREEN: love, YELLOW: signs of trouble/disrespect, RED: sign of blatant disrespect, verbal abuse, or physical violence - strongly consider leaving/ending the relationship immediately. Always remember that no matter what you do, love is the answer.

If the parent is defending you, even when things get gnarly, you might be able to work through it. If they don't defend you, consider alternative partners. If you're married and in a tough spot (kids are cussing at you, threatening you, or otherwise violating your boundaries), I'd suggest professional counselling for ALL parties involved. If you are not married, I'd suggest you move on because there are other fish in the sea, so to speak.

I write this article in love and gratitude to all the single parents who read this; in love and gratitude for the children who open up to the person who loves their parent; and in love and gratitude to those who date the mothers and fathers who are trying so hard to raise their children well.

The Magic of Making Up: Get Your Ex Back!

This article is provided for entertainment purposes. The author may not be a licensed psychotherapist and suggests you seek help if your situation warrants assistance.

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