Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Getting Back Together?

Can this relationship be saved? If you're considering getting back together you're probably either asking, "Why?" or "Why not?"

I'm sure if you're asking this question, that you've recently undergone relationship stress, perhaps a serious strain on your relationship or even a break-up. if you've been in a relationship of longer than six months, this can be quite painful.

Hearing them out...

If your partner has been approaching you to discuss reconciliation, you might consider hearing them. Why? Because in my experience, when we go through a break-up, sometimes we process at different speeds from each other. For example, I experience everything very hard, full, and up-front quickly. Then, I rinse and repeat many times before I process everything. I've noticed that my past-partners often processed slower than I do. This has been a problem for me when I've broken up with a partner in the past, because I'll be there wanting to reconcile, and my partner is still in the "anger" phase or "re-framing" stage and hasn't experienced the other emotions that would even make them open to hearing an appeal for reconciliation.

Is is possible you've re-framed the relationship incorrectly?

Further, when we go through a break-up, we often tend to "re-frame" the relationship to see the NEGATIVE; in other words, we choose to see the relationship in an uglier perspective than we did when we were "in love" with each other. Is this new negative frame the reality of what your partner represented to you? Hmm. It's hard to say. I'd have to ask if you ever TALKED about and discussed truly your desires about any of your core values that you felt were not heard or honored? Did you ever discuss practical ways to make small adjustments in how you treated each other to address those concerns? If not, you might be moving on prematurely. I mean, seriously, if you didn't DISCUSS, in detail, spelling out exactly what you wanted and how you needed to be treated and communicated with, you just might be selling the relationship short.

How can you know that there isn't a deeper level of love awaiting your relationship under the surface of dirt you've thrown on it, just waiting for you to scratch it off and dig deeper?

Want to know an acid-test to know if the relationship is worth giving further attention to? I've got a few techniques that are GOLDEN to help you evaluate.

1. Gather up the ways you feel hurt or didn't get your needs met.

First, take stock of where you are at. How do you feel your partner hurt you and invalidated you? What core values did your partner fail to match? How did you feel your partner was inconsiderate or rude?

Write these things down.

2. Gather up the ways your partner felt hurt or didn't get their needs met.

Now, how was your partner expressing concern about their own issues? Were there things happening on your end they were asking for, and not getting? Were they making demands, and expecting you to do things you felt unable to do? How were you rude to them?

Write these things down.

3. Now, make a decision to put both of those arguments of hurt and upset feelings aside for the present. Take a 10 minute break, then come back to this article.

Now, I want you to wipe the slate clean. Take all of YOUR wants and needs and THEIR wants and needs and put them to the side. That's right, I'm suggesting you IGNORE all of these things for the present (I know this seems strange, but trust in this process, it has legitimate value).

4. Set aside selfish concerns. Now, look at the relationship only from a couple standpoint.

Next, ask a NEW set of questions regarding the CORE of YOU as a COUPLE:

True Love Questions:

1. Did you love each other at any point? Yes / No

2. Do you still feel *some* strong pull or sense of love, now? Yes / No

3. Do you still think about them a lot and get sentimental over memories together? Yes / No

If these questions produce "yes" answers, you still love this partner, and your relationship could likely be discussed, evaluated further, and possibly saved. Not only that, but couples who save and go deeper in a relationship where these three questions are still "yes" often experience deeper and more satisfying love after a reconciliation.

Loss of Love Questions:

1. If your partner were in a serious accident, and got killed, would you be upset that you hadn't made more of an effort to try to talk to them about things, first? Yes / No

2. If your partner were to get married to someone new, and it happened before you could realize they were even dating someone else, would you be upset and feel like you lost a chance at love? Yes / No

3. If your partner were to be removed from your children's life, do you believe they'd suffer from loss of life experience that your partner represented to them? Yes / No

If you answered "Yes" to the majority of these and had a hard time saying "no" to any of these, it is highly likely that you have "unresolved issues" with this partner. You may have moved on without fully exploring the depth of the relationship and might be losing out on a deeper level of love than you've experienced before.

Now, if you came up mostly "no" to these two sets of questions, I'm going to recommend to you that you politely dismiss your partner's request for reconciliation and move on without them. If that is your situation, you won't be missing much because you're already no longer in love with that partner.

Believe me, if you do not have true love or a core sense of loss from not having this partner in your life, then you will be happier without them in your life. To stay in a relationship with the majority of these core "couple" questions producing "no" answers would be to repress your higher self and who you really are. Now, on the contrary, if you DO have true love and you WOULD experience a core sense of loss from moving on, then DON'T MOVE ON YET. You've got too much at stake to just blow out of there. Commitments, when honored, usually reward the giver.

You might be thinking at this point, "But Scott, what about all those WANTS & NEEDS I listed before? Don't THEY matter?"

My answer to that is, yes, those matter, but those are the things you resolve through reconciliation. Those are not the reasons to NOT consider a reconciliation. Almost EVERY relationship issue that seems like a mismatch on a core value can become a core value match with tweaking, love, and adjusting of both perspective and action. In a recent study I read on relationships that are more happy versus those who are not, the relationships that make it through reconciliation find that by simply making "small" adjustments towards their partner, rather than pushing the concern under the rug or ranting about things, tends to produce happy, fulfilling relationships. It isn't those with more similarities who make it - it is those with differences who embrace and appreciate their differences, and who take the time and make the effort to create small changes in behavior to affect massive change in the feelings and dynamic of the two of you being together.

That's right: The secret in reconciliation is summed up in this one sentence:


You might also be thinking, "But what about the ways they hurt my feelings?"

Well, people can be pretty stupid when they get their feelings hurt. Why don't you take the higher road and decide to forgive, accept, remove the guilt, and focus on POSITIVE STEPS to take POSITIVE ACTIONS towards new, fun, exciting, and dynamic ways to interact together?

You'll get more out of your relationship by seeking ways to establish love and take baby steps towards your concerns by simply addressing them a little at a time.

Last, these questions all pretty much need to be "yes" answers to consider pursuing a reconciliation or even put any more energy into the situation:

1. Have they expressed a willingness to work on, or at least hear your concerns? Yes / No

2. If you feel out of whack with your core values, are you willing to examine ways to act slightly different, yet still within your own core values, that would enable you to empower your partner's concerns? Yes / No

3. Are you willing to forgive them for hurting you? Yes / No

Well, if there's a will, there's a way.

This last one is a little bit more tricky: If you've got any of the following issues going on: addiction, abuse, adultery, then can you and are you willing to discuss as a couple how to get therapy for the concern? Yes / No

If you can say Yes to most of these questions, then you're ready to sit down and listen to what your partner has to say. When you set a meeting for reconciliation, I first suggest you simply focus on positive things that COULD be done to make the relationship better. Then, I suggest you go do something fun together. Try that for each of your first three meetings, and see how it goes.

One last thing: if you've been feeling like perhaps you've been in the relationship to save or rescue the other person, you might want to take a look at WHY you felt that way? Was it a legitimate need in both of you? Was there something you needed to process?

Before deciding to process differently with someone else, and blowing off all the history, chemistry, and what you have already experienced together with this partner, why not try re-framing the existing relationship in a new positive light, approaching it from a healthy perspective, and then manifesting what you really most want, together. Get rid of the addictive behaviors, abusive comments, actions, or cheating behaviors if at all possible, or your relationship will be derailed again in the future.



Let me know how it goes!

The Magic of Making Up: Want to get your ex back? Click Here!

If you're in a serious relationship and have a deep concern, I suggest you seek professional assistance with your situation. Standard terms and conditions of AspireNow apply to this article. Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

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