Where Is God When It Hurts?

(Image used with permission from FreeRangeStock.com.)

Having been through serious heartache this past year, I can totally relate with anyone who is struggling with the question: "WHERE IS GOD WHEN IT HURTS?"

When we hurt it may feel like God is not even there at all.

I want you to know that you CAN get through the pain of failure, break-up, loss, or other life challenge that causes you pain.

How do I know? Because GOD is ALWAYS there.

You see, the only thing is that God will HONOR OUR CHOICES. If we chose to be in certain situations, and certain events unfold due to those choices, it is within the power of GOD to HONOR that choice. How cool is that?

Not only that, but sometimes bad things happen to bad people, and sometimes bad things happen to good people doing bad things, and sometimes bad things happen to good people doing good things. This is all part of life experience. However, I find most often bad things happen to people (good or bad) not making the wisest of decisions.

For example, a woman likes to have three highballs every night (a functioning alcoholic) and one year has her pancreas explode and dies within the next month. Is that a bad thing? Yes. Was she a good person? Yes. Was she making a choice that was limiting her life? Yes. So did the bad thing that happen result from her choices? Probably.

Some times, things are just a fluke. One of my fellow students in High School, who I will call Rick Martin, went surfing one day and his back slipped out of socket. He went to the chiropractor to receive an adjustment. After walking out of the chiropractor's office, he started coughing up blood. His parents rushed him to the hospital. He died on the operating table six hours later. As it turned out, Rick's heart collapsed due to a "congenital defect" -- the wall of his heart had not formed properly and due to a weakness in the wall between the two primary chambers it collapsed upon first major stress. Once this wall collapsed, there was nothing to keep bad blood from mixing with good blood, and he died. It was a sad time for many people, as Rick was one helluva fun kid. Rick was smart and in many groups and enjoyed many friendships. He was a good kid, too. I worked with him at Taco Bell. We attended the same youth group at church. We shared some laughs at the Junior Prom. So, I knew him and felt the loss, too.

But, as great a person as Rick may have been, his time came and that was that. I later wrote a letter to his family. I never heard from them. I'm sure they were quite struck with grief over it.

When we go through times like that, how could it seem possible that God is even there?

I understand.

However, God is always there. You see, if "God" is "omniscient" then God is everywhere and in all things. And that means at ALL times. I like the Bhagavad Gita description of the Supreme Being: where both good and evil are comprised within this conscious source of energy. It is beautiful beyond imagination and horribly ugly beyond our worst nightmares.

Knowing this, we must tap into the good, and be aware of the dark side. Much like in Star Wars, whether or not we live for good and growth or for bad and destruction really boils down to a choice. Make a choice for good, and choose it again and again, even when it seems like the "Force" isn't with you. Because, in the end, God will be there - not just by your side or carrying you - but INSIDE YOU. When you realize this, you realize that it is your choice to see each circumstance in life as you choose. When you choose to see it as "good" then it probably will be good.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. Rick Martin's name was changed to be anonymous. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

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How To Know When It's Over

I had someone ask me today "How do we know when it is not over?" regarding their relationship.

How do you know when it is over and how do you know when it is NOT over?

There are many answers you can find on this subject, ranging from:

1. You know it is over when they've charged up all your bank accounts.
2. You know it is over when they say a hostile word or phrase you can't stand to you.
3. It is over when they abuse or do something to hurt you.
4. It ends when they cheat on you.
5. It is over when they say they no longer love you.
6. It is over when they say mean things to you.
7. It ends when they break up with you.
8. It is over when you're asking this question.
9. It is over when your friends are telling you to get out.
10. It is over when they tell you that you're not the one for them.

Well, there are many, many things that people say to each other, do to each other, and act out at each other when they are upset. I wish it wasn't so, but this is a part of life and people.

The truth of the matter is that when one person breaks up with another, there is more than likely just one of two things happening:

#1: The dumper broke up because they do not feel that their needs are getting met, things are being done or happening that they feel are disrespectful, and/or they feel invalidated for some reason or other. If this partner acknowledges that they still "love you" even though they broke up with you, they were likely creating a breakup or allowing an event to cause a breakup in order to create a crisis to get attention on problems that need to be resolved in order to live happier together. They are upset enough to risk the relationship in order to meet these needs, get the respect and validation they feel they deserve, and take the chance at a higher life by risking their present lower satisfaction life they are experiencing with their unmet needs.

In this instance, the dumpee can likely save the relationship by taking action to acknowledge their partner's concerns, validate their position, and take actions to improve the situation. This is typically recommended when YOU STILL LOVE THEM, too. If this is your situation, my recommendation is to suck up your pride, quit drawing lines in the sand, and get BACK into communication with your partner as soon as you are able to do so.

Now, on the other hand, if you don't still love them, and can face the picture of a life without them in it, then let them go. It is better to do that than create more pain by developing more resentment by staying in a non-working relationship.

#2: The dumper broke it off because they've been in such a difficult position for so long that they've lost all feeling, concern, and care for the dumpee. If this is the situation you are in, you have a tough road ahead of you if you still love the dumper. In this instance, it is more than likely that you are done, and will have a difficult time saving your relationship, no matter what you do.

If this is your situation, I recommend you go on with your life and dig back into your life purpose. If you're suffering from depression for more than a few days, seek professional help. Whatever you do, don't go crazy and take your life or hurt anyone because of your loss. Remember, life DOES go on, no matter what you do.

Whether you are dealing with #1 or #2, remember that all dating partners, love relationships, and marriages are ultimately a choice. Even if someone has broken up with you for reason #1 doesn't necessarily mean you CAN or SHOULD work it out. It just means that you probably will be able to get back together and you are likely not finished because you still love each other.

Is the situation worth saving to you?
Truly, only you can answer that question.

How do you really know when it is over? My feeling is that if people are still both in love with each other, they are doing each other a disservice to break up when they have unresolved issues.

Other related articles:
What_Men_Want
What Women Want
11 Steps To Stop Fighting And Make Up
How and When To Reconcile

Learn the Top Signs Your Ex Wants You Back - Click Here!
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Why Does Love Hurt So Much?

I'm sure you've heard the expression: Love Hurts. Why does love have to hurt so much?

Truly, I wish I had the answer. When we go through a breakup, our eyes get puffy from lack of sleep and crying. Our chest hurts probably not so much from an actual breaking heart but more likely shortness of breath because we are in "fear" mode.

Why Does Love Hurt So Much?

Yes, when we lose someone we've been with for a while, we are losing love. Or, at least we are in fear that we are losing love. And, fear blocks love. When we go into that mode, it seems that we are creating more of what we don't want: less love.

So, if you're hurting - and I can empathize with your pain - try to remember to keep breathing. Allow yourself to feel hurt, allow yourself to feel the loss, but remember than when you create a space in your life you might be allowing more love to come into your life in the not-so-distant future.

Not only that, but sometimes we need to release things in order to grow. I think this is where most relationships fall down: expectation and attachment to things hoped for but not entirely real. It is those expectations that drive some people to drugs or alcohol, others to immerse themselves in their work, the kids, food, exercise, or any other number of obsessions to try to deal with unmatched expectation.

The only thing I can say to you, if this is what you've been doing, is to consider releasing the expectation. Releasing the expectation is really the only opportunity to create a truly healthy, happy relationship, anyway.

I'm not suggesting this so that you necessarily get back together. Just release it anyway and see how life unfolds.

And, in the meantime, remember to keep breathing. Remember to do the things you love most. Remember to be loving to your friends and family who love you.

I write these words with all the love in my heart, to you, the person who may be hurting.

The pain will recede over time. Life will go on, if you let it. Release control, take a deep breath, and let it out. Then do it again. Keep yourself busy with exercise. Clear out any clutter that's been blocking you from being healthy environment or creating unnecessary attachment, too. Once you do, you will feel more alive, more free, and more able to love with the WHOLE you again.

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See other related articles:
Breaking Up
The AspireNow Break Up Guide
How To Get Over A Painful Breakup
Digging In The Dirt

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond)

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life

How To Break Up
Solving Sabotage Syndrome
Healing a Broken Heart
Is He or She The One?
SoulMates or In The Meantime

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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. This article is provided for entertainment. If your situation is serious, if you're experiencing depression for more than a few days, or if you are contemplating suicidal thoughts, please seek help immediately!

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How To Break Up

When You Know It's Over

First, how do you end it?

If you were once in love, and if you were once good friends, wouldn't it be wise to end it like you started, to the extent possible? There are a few good rules to abide by in breaking off a relationship.

How to Break Up:

1. Be nice. Let them know you enjoyed their company, had some good times, and wish them well in the future.

Maybe you're thinking, "Scott, you're nuts. There's no way I'm going to give her flowers while I'm dumping her." Or, "Scott, are you outta sight or what? I'm not giving him a massage and showing up with garter belts under my dress when I'm telling him to get lost!"
I know, it's hard. BUT, all I can say is that through any difficult situation, as well as any FUN situation, the same basic rule of life still applies: LOVE is the ANSWER!

PLEASE keep in mind that I'm NOT saying "go back and do it again, baby" because I know that cyclic relationships are usually unhealthy relationships. And unhealthy relationships ought not be continued for the better of all parties involved. I'm just saying be kind, be respectful, be good, be polite, be decent. Is it that hard?

2. When you break up, offer encouragement, if possible. Example: "I hope you find the love you seek."

3. During a break-up is not the time to tell them everything that is wrong with them. This is not the time to tell them all the things they messed up on during the relationship. If you intend to do this, do it with a counselor, not to your partner. If they ask, "why are you breaking up with me," tell them one or two key things that are unchangeable about the situation or that you see as not working for you or the both of you. In your description, be very simple (don't say more than you need to), be specific, and be positive by framing each negative around two positives (PNP approach). Don't lie or tell them it's you not them. Just make it about CIRCUMSTANCES rather than personality. That's the nice thing to do.

4. Initially, do not continue to write them, call them, contact them, or ask for anything back besides the first time you ask for it (Occasionally, people do weird things to "get back" at their ex-lover, such as keeping their stuff. If this happens and your things are very valuable or quite important to you, and they refuse to return them within two weeks, let them know you'll be alerting authorities unless they return the items within a week. If they do not return them within this time, follow through and you'll likely get your things back.) Otherwise, consider it the same as if a thief had stolen from you at random. You'll get over it, regardless of what they keep. But minimize all contact during the break up.

5. If you work or go to school with your ex, be cordial but let it go at that. If they decide to be friends with you later, it should be the person who was dumped to reach out and make that happen. If you were the dumper, rather than dumpee, then you should reach out when you are comfortable that you've moved on from the relationship and let them know you intend to be friends, but I do not suggest doing this during the initial breakup period. I once knew a woman who continued working her old job where her ex also worked. She talked about how she was broken up "but not really out of it" for MONTHS after the break-up. Years, in fact. If working together makes the situation particularly difficult, I suggest finding a new place of employment.
It will be better in the long run for both of you.

6. Remember to smile. Remember to pray. Remember that you will get through your break-up and try to keep yourself happy. When you get down, look up - it raises the spirits. If you get bummed out, work out. If you get stressed, play music, learn to paint, learn something new. whatever, just don't sit there and stew in bad feelings.

7. When you break up, it is good if you can end up friends. If you can't figure that out within one year, let it go. When you are comfortable, try to reach out in a positive way, and at least let them know that you wish them well. This is a positive way to reset closure in case the initial breakup ended with resentments. It can also be helpful to forgive each other, and to accept each other's offer of forgiveness. Forgiveness is important to release anger, resentment, and negative bonding cords so that you may love again in the future. Remember, show mercy. As you show mercy to others, so it will be that mercy will be shown to you.

8. When you break up, don't surprise anybody. If you're thinking about ending it, you ought to have had some discussion about how the relationship isn't working for you. Don't just one day, out of the blue, say "I'm done," and leave. That's not cool. Is that how you'd want to be treated? If things aren't working, you ought to have been communicating what hasn't worked for a period of MONTHS, or certainly at least days. The break-up shouldn't come as a surprise.

9. Unlike in the movie, The Break-Up, starring Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn, don't tell your guy you want to break up, if in fact you really are just trying to get him to notice and show appreciation for you. Breaking up is a terminator. He likely will act as a guy who has been dumped rather than more appreciative (as in the movie) and it will backfire on you, big-time.

I'd recommend you make an effort to break up in a loving way. You never know, you just might get back together and wouldn't want to regret what you said. Also, what would you want someone to say to you? The golden rule is a wise rule to follow when you break up.

Learn more about how to deal with a break-up at AspireNow:

The AspireNow Break Up Guide
How To Get Over A Painful Breakup
Digging In The Dirt

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond) Amazon Price: $10.34 List Price: $16.95

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life Amazon Price: $7.99 List Price: $15.00
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This article is written by Scott Andrews, Founder of AspireNow. Copyright 2007. All rights reserved.

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