Where Is God When It Hurts?

(Image used with permission from FreeRangeStock.com.)

Having been through serious heartache this past year, I can totally relate with anyone who is struggling with the question: "WHERE IS GOD WHEN IT HURTS?"

When we hurt it may feel like God is not even there at all.

I want you to know that you CAN get through the pain of failure, break-up, loss, or other life challenge that causes you pain.

How do I know? Because GOD is ALWAYS there.

You see, the only thing is that God will HONOR OUR CHOICES. If we chose to be in certain situations, and certain events unfold due to those choices, it is within the power of GOD to HONOR that choice. How cool is that?

Not only that, but sometimes bad things happen to bad people, and sometimes bad things happen to good people doing bad things, and sometimes bad things happen to good people doing good things. This is all part of life experience. However, I find most often bad things happen to people (good or bad) not making the wisest of decisions.

For example, a woman likes to have three highballs every night (a functioning alcoholic) and one year has her pancreas explode and dies within the next month. Is that a bad thing? Yes. Was she a good person? Yes. Was she making a choice that was limiting her life? Yes. So did the bad thing that happen result from her choices? Probably.

Some times, things are just a fluke. One of my fellow students in High School, who I will call Rick Martin, went surfing one day and his back slipped out of socket. He went to the chiropractor to receive an adjustment. After walking out of the chiropractor's office, he started coughing up blood. His parents rushed him to the hospital. He died on the operating table six hours later. As it turned out, Rick's heart collapsed due to a "congenital defect" -- the wall of his heart had not formed properly and due to a weakness in the wall between the two primary chambers it collapsed upon first major stress. Once this wall collapsed, there was nothing to keep bad blood from mixing with good blood, and he died. It was a sad time for many people, as Rick was one helluva fun kid. Rick was smart and in many groups and enjoyed many friendships. He was a good kid, too. I worked with him at Taco Bell. We attended the same youth group at church. We shared some laughs at the Junior Prom. So, I knew him and felt the loss, too.

But, as great a person as Rick may have been, his time came and that was that. I later wrote a letter to his family. I never heard from them. I'm sure they were quite struck with grief over it.

When we go through times like that, how could it seem possible that God is even there?

I understand.

However, God is always there. You see, if "God" is "omniscient" then God is everywhere and in all things. And that means at ALL times. I like the Bhagavad Gita description of the Supreme Being: where both good and evil are comprised within this conscious source of energy. It is beautiful beyond imagination and horribly ugly beyond our worst nightmares.

Knowing this, we must tap into the good, and be aware of the dark side. Much like in Star Wars, whether or not we live for good and growth or for bad and destruction really boils down to a choice. Make a choice for good, and choose it again and again, even when it seems like the "Force" isn't with you. Because, in the end, God will be there - not just by your side or carrying you - but INSIDE YOU. When you realize this, you realize that it is your choice to see each circumstance in life as you choose. When you choose to see it as "good" then it probably will be good.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. Rick Martin's name was changed to be anonymous. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

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Letting Go Of Dysfunctional Relationships

Have you ever wondered whether or not to remain friends with certain people?

Well, you may know that I DO maintain a huge network of friends and associates. My circle of closest friends and associates is held to a short-list of desired traits and qualities. I only keep people in that circle who support certain principles. If a friend starts to exhibit less-desired traits and qualities, or fails to support these principles, after a period of prolonged and sustained behavior that no longer fits my list, I cut them out of my life.

It may seem harshly simple, but I view it quite a bit like how sales leaders view their sales team: If you keep dead weight on the tree, it is difficult to bear healthy fruit. I've seen sales managers fire salespeople who weren't performing for months on end because they felt those salespeople would hinder the performance of the team. It is much the same with our interpersonal relationships.

Do you have a list of traits and standards for your inner circle?

My own list of desires attributes, traits and standards for my friendship circle includes the following guidelines:

1. They support my highest good.
2. I can support their highest good.
3. They add value to my life and I add value to theirs.
4. They posses values I seek: generally loving, artistic, fun, smart, and spiritually healthy.
5. They maintain healthy communication with me.
6. They are loving, positive, and generally supportive and happy to be with me.

There are times when certain friends fail to stop meeting this list. When this happens, I take proactive steps to 86 the friend who doesn't meet my standards. I think this is a positive thing to do. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't usually write them "Hey, you're not my friend anymore." I only do that when someone had communicated they'd "always be there" but then made a consistent practice of being rather rude to me, and I wanted to make it clear that their behavior was unacceptable as a friend. Otherwise, I just move on.

A computer crash and cell phone hard reset dump - a gift from angels?

If you ever have a problem with your computer or cell phone, this is actually an excellent time to review your criteria for friendships and make sure your inner circle is healthy and supporting you the best you deserve.

I've recently had my cell phone crash and a computer virus destroy my database of contacts on my cell phone. I had the option to reload the cell phone with all my old numbers, but chose instead only to put in the current "active" friends with whom I've spoken and who met my list of standards over the past year. This created a much shorter cell phone database directory and allowed much more space for new growth in friendships.

Questions to ponder regarding your own inner circle of friendships:

Have you recently performed housecleaning on your Rolodex of closest friends?
Are any relationships clinging to you that block new love?
Are all of your friendships supporting your highest good?
Can you support their highest good?
Are they communicating in a healthy way with you?
Are they exhibiting the traits you wish to emulate and attract in your life?
Are they all loving, positive, and generally supportive and happy to be with you?

If not, consider scrubbing them out of your database and creating room in your life for people who bring about "yes" answers to these questions. Perhaps you need to create your own list of attributes, traits, and standards for your own friendships. I encourage you to do so.

Now, when releasing someone who no longer supports you the way you prefer, always show love, gratitude, and respect for them in parting ways. If you don't want the confrontation, just stop calling, sending text or instant messages, emailing, or visiting - it sends a strong message they will likely understand. When friends stop calling me or returning my emails, I remove them from my database of inner friendship circle. I'm sure others would do that with you, too. There is no way to maintain a relationship without healthy, regular, two-way interaction.

You will find that by maintaining a healthy inner circle of friends that you will produce more "fruit" in your interactions with people in your life. Always be grateful for the inner circle of friends who love and support you. Maintain a healthy "friendship tree" and you'll bear more healthy fruit from your relationships year after year.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Setting Boundaries In Relationships

Have you ever seen a house with no fences defining property boundaries? As a kid, I remember playing with my matchbox toys, only to have a neighbor kid come over and take my toys. He ended up losing most of my toys in his yard, rather than keeping them in my yard. This childhood experience taught me a valuable lesson: setting boundaries.

When we set boundaries, we are basically establishing the ground rules for relationship behavior that establishes how we get needs met and build fulfillment in our relationship(s).

Boundaries are useful.

Harmonious relationships get built when participants communicate their expectations and receive what is expected of them. Kindly and firmly stating what you need from your relationship allows each person to reciprocate. We cannot control other people's beliefs, feelings, or actions, which may not even be related to you but their own experience and perception. They may even be unrelated to our needs. Not only that, but other people can't be expected to read our mind. Therefore, it is up to us to communicate our needs.

Honoring self.

When we establish a boundary we communicate an expectation of how we expect a certain need to get met. It is up to us to make sure these needs are communicated clearly. It is up to us to ensure we're communicating and receiving the things we want and need from others.

First, we must understand what we most want and need. Have we done the inner-personal work to really know what we want? Can we write it down and define it? I offer a Life Purpose e-book to help you get clear on what is most important to you.

How are we communicating our needs? We need to take into account what we say, the tone in saying it, and the body language we're giving out. These will all communicate our needs.

Are we EXpressing our needs, or REpressing our needs?

We need to express our needs, clearly, and in kindness, to state what we want from each other. If you've stated something, but as a complaint, you may not get the result you seek. If you're not winning that way, try expressing in a new way, from love and kindness and respect. That will gain more success. Now, on the other hand, if you're repressing the desire to get certain needs met, you're going to hurt not only yourself but also your partner, in the long run. I've had this happen on two occasions. When your partner represses their needs and subjugates their needs for your needs, you're going to end up with resentments that will fester and grow over time. So, don't repress your needs. Say what you need, as I identified above. There isn't a high chance for lasting happiness and fulfillment until you do.

Here's a process for getting needs met:

1. State the need. "I need (type of behavior or action). I am uncomfortable when you (don't do or do) this behavior."

2. Define the boundary. "I am asking you to do (behavior desired). I am requesting you do this without (behavior you don't want). I am most appreciative and fulfilled in our relationship when you do (behavior needed).

3. If they blow it: Insist they honor your boundary. Use a kind, but firm voice: "I insist that we both interact through (behavior you'd requested). Is there anything truly stopping you from meeting this need?" Listen. If they do not have a legitimate reason for not meeting your need, then reaffirm the need "I need this (behavior). I appreciate you doing this to help us both get along better."

4. If they continue to disregard your boundary: Leave the situation. If someone cannot or will not respect your needs, they aren't showing you respect. Respect is a cornerstone of trust. When we trust each other, we respect each other. When we respect each other, we honor each other's boundaries.

Some people have a bad habit of either not setting or not honoring boundaries in their relationships. These people may require a lot of work to maintain a healthy relationship. Ask yourself if you are willing to invest the time and energy to help get this person to honor boundaries, or if it is better simply to move on.

By moving on, you might want to leave the door open for future discussion, so I'm *not* saying to wreck the relationship. I'm simply suggesting that if a boundary is crossed, it is healthy to pull away for a time. When you pull away for the other party violating the boundary, explain that you would welcome an opportunity to discuss or reconnect in the future, when they are willing to honor your boundary.

Is this clear enough? If they aren't willing to honor your boundary, then you might consider walking away without reengaging. After all, why should we sacrifice what we need to be with other people?

Is it personal if they don't honor the boundary?

Usually the boundary - and the response to it - isn't about the person. So, don't take it personally. Don't try to assume other people's feelings, hurt, guilt, or strange agenda regarding your needs and their reaction to your needs or ways of communicating to you. Just state how you wish to be treated and focus on what you want. Some patterns may take time to change. So, with boundaries, as in training an old mule, it may take some time to get your boundaries set in a way that is healthy for everyone. Remember, you have a right to be treated with courtesy, dignity and respect.

Always honor your boundaries. I recently received a phone call from a new friend at 4:30 a.m. in the morning. I sent a text message back to her: "Boundary: No phone calls before 7:30 a.m.! I value my sleep and hope you do, too." She called me later, apologized, and also said that she respected me stating my boundary and that few people ever told her their boundaries. Well, I guess it was time someone did, huh?! After that day, I can say I communicated better with her and I also slept a heck of a lot better!

People might be surprised when you insist on a boundary, but they WILL respect you for setting and holding to your boundary. By modeling the behavior you want, you will also get respect back from them when they request you honor their boundary, too. Show them the same respect you'd want (The Golden Rule) and watch how much more love, respect, and trust you build in your interpersonal relationships. You'll have far more trust and honesty through setting and keeping your boundaries.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Dealing With Disappointment

Have you ever dealt with disappointment?

I have experienced disappointment and can empathize with the range of emotions you might experience when life, people, or circumstances don't deliver according to expectations, or even hopes, or maybe even human decency.

Sometimes, people let us down. Friends fail to say the right things. Lovers leave and don't come back. Jobs don't come through with the money they promised. Work isn't as exciting or productive as it used to be. Or, maybe people flake out and don't do what we thought. People can also be greedy, selfish, or uncaring. Our health may fail us. New opportunities we expected don't show up when or how we thought they might.

Let's face it: there's a whole bunch of ways we can experience disappointment with people, work, love, and life. Often, these circumstances create frustration, anger, sadness, and a general feeling that life isn't what it could be. These feelings can lead to judgment, criticism, and resentment. Left unchecked, disappointment can lead to feelings of unhappiness, lack, and even depression.

What can you do when you feel someone has let you down?

1. What can we control? Well, first, remember that you cannot control other people. In relationships, unmatched and unrealistic expectations can cause problems with resentment, which may lead to judgment, contempt, and disconnections. Other times, people communicate in ways that leaves the other party confused. If we expect others to read our mind instead of expressing concern, we're likely to struggle to get our expectations and needs met.

2. Have we made clear what we need? Also, if we are frustrated with how people communicate, but haven't made clear how important this is to our needs, we may have set up an expectation without foundation.

3. Can the other party deliver what we want? Last, we may have communicated our concern clearly, but if the other party is unable to do what we most want, we still may have an unrealistic expectation.

I experienced some of the problems in a relationship this past year. I was expecting my partner to greet me with cheer, to discuss positive topics, dreams, and goals when we talked, but she was unable to do that. She was mostly only able to focus on her concerns, rants, problems, and challenges, and expected me to hear those things, without the cheer. Over extended periods of time, this mismatched expectation led to a major disconnect in our relationship. I started to talk over her and didn't let her finish her sentences. I basically repressed her. She ended up feeling I was selfish and only wanted to talk about my things. Can you see how my expectation for positive, cheerful talk either was not communicated properly or was met with a response or inability to deliver? I believe that this communication disconnection was at the root of the breakup I experienced after things boiled over.

It is wisest if you can catch personal disappointment up front and determine if you've communicated your needs, and set an expectation that your partner is able to deliver upon. If you fail to do either of these, you may end up dealing with disappointment.

How are you communicating?


Usually, when we are disappointed, something in our own action and attitude contributed to the situation where the other party did not match our expectations. Take stock in how you are communicating. Are you stating why you want certain things? Are you clarifying the underlying reason how you want things done? Are you asking these things of people who are capable of delivering them to you? Try to get a "yes" answer in each of your interactions to maximize your satisfaction with personal relationships and friendships.

Sometimes, people just out and out lie, cheat, steal or don't fulfill what they promised. If this is your situation, well, use the experience as a springboard for the Golden Rule: treat others as you wish to be treated. If you don't want people to complain around you, don't complain. If you want others to be positive, be positive. If you want other people to respect you, be respectful of them, first. Often, we create our own reality by what we send out to others.

Pray and play together. I've read on a plaque that "A family that prays together stays together." Are you making it a point to pray together? Often, by putting our focus first upon God, it makes everything else more manageable. Second, are you PLAYING together? If one member of your family is off doing their own thing, they might be creating dissension. Sometimes, we all need to compromise a little in order to all have the time to play together and build better bonds.

What kind of quality TIME are you spending with the people you most care about?

My sister once told me that if I want to be closer to my nephew, that I ought to spend more TIME with him. It was a point well-taken. I went out and played golf with him that month and he later called me and said how much he enjoyed it. This, from someone who'd called me about twice in his life before that golf day. So, YES, the time we spend together matters.

What about the demands of parenting and time with each other?

Are you a single parent? Are you allowing your children to cut into the time you have with your partner to the point where you rarely have any quality time together? Are you a couple trying to raise children? Both single parents and coupled parents need to make sure they're spending time developing their relationship with each other instead of just parenting all the time.

Make the time for each other. Draw hard boundaries, and keep them. Make your time quality time. Do fun things together: go for a walk in nature, travel fun places, go dancing, go snuggle and make love. Make a "no cell phone except for emergency policy" and stick to it! If you make sure you get time that is specifically your time, and you'll have a happier relationship over the longer-term.

What can you do when an opportunity, job, or new growth of other sort didn't come through?

Sometimes, I wish I had a crystal ball I could look into that would show me both the macro and micro level of life and events around me. Wouldn't it make it easier? In reality, most people need to establish a master plan and then be flexible to adjust as life events might impact that plan. I try to first put it in God's hands.

I've personally been promised a job where the financial opportunity was supposed to be $20K a month, then found out later that most people in that job were really only making about $10K a month. It frustrated me to make less than I'd been promised. In that position, I had two choices: become obsessed over making $20K a month, leave for another job that might pay better, or accept the situation and make the best of it. It is not good to switch jobs every few months, so if you've faced this, you may be frustrated, disappointed, and even a little resentful or angry with your boss.

If this is your situation, focus on what you most want. Did you communicate your needs clearly? Have you taken the steps you need to take to achieve what you want with your job? Is this company, position, or boss able to deliver what you need if you make the right steps in your job? If the answer is "yes" to each of these questions, you're probably in the right position to meet your needs. If the answer is "no", then maybe it is time to consider other avenues of employment.

I've been in very difficult career positions in my past. One time, my company, Intelogic Trace, had filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy. In my first meeting with Delta Dental, the client handed me the bankruptcy letter and asked me if that was what I wanted to talk about. Yes, it was rough! At first, I let it get to me. I recall being so stressed out that I ripped my dress shirt in half when it was missing a button after a trip to the cleaners. My girlfriend at the time said "Oh, I'm staying away from you!" Yeah, I was stressed out. Then, the next day, I woke up and thought "Hmm. How bad could this be? I mean, yes, I could lose my job, but so what?! There are other jobs, and if I embrace this, maybe I can turn lemonade out of this lemon!" So, I dug in and decided to be a beacon of positive energy, success, and growth IN SPITE of the bankruptcy.

Guess what? People responded to my shift in attitude in a positive way. Over time, I came to be known as the top salesperson in my region and went to the company Summit Club for achievement three years in a row. Sometimes, it pays to be positive and persevere.

What can you do when life or God doesn't seem to be listening?

I spoke with a friend about this recently. I was feeling particularly disappointed with several different people, my company, another career situation, and even some friends. The disappointment led to feeling depressed and that led to me feeling like life sucked. Can you relate? We've all been there. Well, in my experience, and my belief in God is that God is in all things. So, God is always there. God is always listening. God is always guiding, slowly, surely, through all of it. Sometimes we are offered challenges to see if we can create something new and exciting.

Franklin D. Roosevelt was offered polio and used it to create one of the top rehabilitation centers in the country at that time. Louise Braille lost his eyesight through the slip of an awl and used it to create an alphabet for the blind.

In every situation, we almost always can find someone worse off than we are. So, before you go do anything drastic, re-frame your situation and release what you can't control and focus only upon what you CAN control. We cannot control other people's reactions to our brilliant ideas. Some people may even snicker or put the idea down. We can only control how we think, feel, and act about our own dreams and goals.

Put aside the cloak of disappointment for the coat of happiness and fulfillment

So, put aside disappointment. Often, we receive disappointment to help us clarify more of what we want in the future. We gain new clarity and insight, along with a dogged determination never to experience the failure, loss, or setback in communication, health, job, money, or love, ever again. It is up to us to seize the moment and be who we want to be, communicate clearly what we need and desire, and find the situations, people, and places that are most apt to be able to deliver to the expectation we've set forth.

By matching our expectations with reality, and putting out what we most want to get back, we are highly likely to increase our happiness and fulfillment, thus improving our life and leading us back to the road to success, love, and joy.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.