#1 Way to Improve Relationships

I've read quite a few relationship self-help books over the past ten years. As an author, coach, and speaker on the subject of improving relationships, I find it useful to check out other people's thoughts on the subject.

However, this next tip is something that I wish I'd learned thirty years ago. It is a tip I learned through my own interpersonal relationships. It is wisdom to improve any relationship. In fact, I feel strongly enough about this tip to claim it is the #1 way to improve your dating relationship, marriage, friendship, or even work relationships.

The #1 Way to Improve Relationships:

ASSUME THE BEST IN OTHERS.

They say it makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me" to assume. That is when you assume the worst from your friend, lover, partner, or co-worker. Assuming the worst is a bad thing, right? So, what's a good thing? In this case, assuming the BEST is a good thing. If you assume the BEST in others, sure, you may be a little gullible, and you might occasionally be taken advantage of... BUT you will also set ground rules for interacting that many other people do not follow: you're seeking the best in them and giving them the benefit of the doubt that the best is what they are offering to you.

Why would we treat relationships any other way?

I encourage you to give your friend the benefit of the doubt! You'll get along with people so much better when you allow people to be their best by simply looking for the best in them and the best in their actions.

When I look back upon my past relationships, I can say that the reason communication broke down, or the friendship went sideways, was almost always because they stopped assuming the best in me, and thought I said something to hurt them or did something to be selfish - or worse - mean to them. Or, perhaps I was the one who started seeing what they did as selfish, hurtful, or non-caring. Whichever, when either party readjusts their point-of-view lenses to see the best and look at the other as trying to give their best, the hurt feelings fade away much easier and resolution is found without strife.

Just this past Friday, an ex-girlfriend saw me and commented to a friend that she was surprised I'd walk right by her and not say anything. She then followed that up by saying "I'm so over Scott, anyway." She probably said it because she felt hurt and figured my friend would tell me, which would in turn hurt me. But the reality is when I walked by her I didn't even SEE her. I did not even know she was there. Had she said "hello" to me, my nature would naturally be to say "Hi" back. She assumed the worst, and in turn, probably felt hurt by it. By assuming the best she could have reached out and changed the situation and at least walked away feeling that she didn't have an enemy or whatever. I still think of her fondly, so that's where I'd leave it.

That's just one interaction. Eight years ago I was head-over-heels in love with someone who I'd gone to high school with. I can remember the day I wrote a letter trying to improve upon the things that I felt could be better in our relationship. My girlfriend, instead of seeing the letter as what I'd intended, felt criticized, and felt that I was putting her down. That was completely not my intention, but due to previous relationships where everyone assumed the worst in each other, she immediately went to that place. From that day forward, we never got the ship righted in the water again. It was too bad, because today we're not even friends anymore.

On the contrary, I recently let someone down by not delivering what I'd promised to them, in terms of a work project. Rather than get down on me, the assumed the best in me, and knew I'd deliver as soon as I was able, which I did. As a result, that work relationship remains vital, alive, and filled with mutual respect. See the difference?

Assume the best in others and YOU become happier with your relationships!

I share from this topic from personal experience.

People going through divorce or other separation could benefit from this advice. Be nice, assume the best, and ask for what's best for them. Hold to the things you need to hold to, and give on the things you don't, and even in those most difficult of situations you can process easier than through fighting or assuming ill of each other.

Recently, my guitar player and lead singer in my band quit the band to form his own band. Now, while he may have needed to do that anyway, he didn't need to trash our friendship. After all, we'd talked on the phone almost every single day for a year, and played music together going on six years! But he took an email I wrote the wrong way, and rather than assume the best, assumed the worst. I hoped he would talk about it, but he chose not to talk and to simply leave it and stop returning calls and emails. As a result, he trashed the band, trashed our friendship, and now does not communicate with me in any form. It hurt me for this to happen, as I was only seeking what was best for the band. If he had received my email differently, and assumed that I only wanted the best, he would have at least communicated better and kept the friendship as he exited the band. What's weird is had he talked with me about wanting to leave the band, I'd have supported him in that endeavor completely. I support him in his music and preferred to keep the friendship, but it is what it is.

If someone is being abusive, that's one thing - get out and get help! But if someone is just being who they need to be there is no reason to assume the worst in them, right?

If you want to improve your relationships, don't be afraid to take the chance to assume the best in someone else, even if it looks like they're not being nice, or like they might be putting you down, or whatever. In most cases, they are trying to improve or offer the best. They may be offering this to you from their perspective. And, they have a right to their perspective. So, consider this #1 way to improve relationships the next time you feel hurt, adjust your viewpoint to give your friend, partner, or lover the benefit of the doubt, and see if you don't roll through the challenge with ease instead of conflict.

I wish you the very best with your relationships. If you need professional counseling, I recommend you seek that therapy rather than relying on this article for help. I provide relationship advice for entertainment purposes only and do not expect you to hold me legally reliable for the choices you make with your life. Fair enough? All the love, success, and happiness to you today in living the life you want, finding the love you seek, and manifesting your dreams.
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#3 Biggest Relationship Mistake

When we're in a relationship, we often try to communicate our thoughts openly. However, sometimes we use a "passive-aggressive" approach to our communication, and suggest through that implied communication or need that our partner must take action based upon the passive-aggressive nature of the comment.

This is where this communication tactic leads to long-term failure and break-down in relationships: if we cannot communicate and lead through what we want and mean then we're implying our partner isn't good enough or doing enough. This will put our partner on the defensive and lead to conflict and potential blow-ups!

What is the third mistake couples make that can cause such damage in relationships?

The #3 Biggest Relationship Mistake Couples Make:

Passive-Aggressive communication, rather than leading with what we truly want.

If we could only just say what we want!

Instead, we often SUGGEST what we want, indirectly.

For example, say that the house is a mess. Rather than say "The house is a mess, so I'm going to clean the kitchen and front-room and I'd like you to clean the bathrooms and bedroom" we say "The house is a mess. We need to clean this pig-pen up!"

Notice, it SEEMED like we were owning our part, by saying "we need to clean this up" but the IMPLIED message is "YOU need to clean this up" to the partner who receives this message.

This is what I mean by passive-aggressive communication.

How about you? Are you guilty of using passive aggression to communicate with your partner?

Try saying what you mean and what you really want.

I'd like to go to a play tonight. Will you go with me and buy our tickets? Is much more direct than "Why don't we ever go to any plays... you never take me anywhere."

Here's my question for you:

Do you make statements that IMPLY your partner ought to do something that you want?

When you make statements that imply your partner ought to act in a certain way or do a certain thing, but are not directly asking for what you want, you are not communicating in a way that will build up your love. Rather, you'll likely build up to a conflict in the future.

Want a different approach?

I'd like to recommend a powerful relationship coaching system that utilizes a 4-step cure to problems like "The Biggest Mistake We Make In Relationships = Using Passive-Aggression" developed over the past few years by my affiliate partners, Paul Sterling and Kristin Denton. The Magic Relationship System Paul and Kristin developed is outstanding and I recommend it. Their system is based on Marshall Rosenberg's "Non-violent Communication" along with other systems Paul and Kristin discovered mitigate relationship conflict and bring two lovers closer together.

Dig through their site, learn more, and sign-up for their system all through this link:

Get the Magic Relationship System

Enjoy! Best of success to you in building true love!

Comment below to discuss your own challenges in creating stories and believing in erroneous stories.
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For Better or Worse, Richer or Poorer

What Happens When Communication Breaks Down In Marriage?

(Note: This is a guest article by Amy Waterman from Save My Marriage Today.)

It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle thing, and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often, especially when feelings are involved. Even those who think that they are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves drawn into a communication breakdown when they least expect it, and chaos ensues.

This happened to me on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took me by surprise. Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. My partner told me something that really hurt my feelings, and I lashed back in defense. It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of aftershave. But to me, it represented something much deeper, that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks. I get frustrated at having to search for something when it is not where I expect it to be. Worse still when my partner has shifted it and I don’t know the first place to begin searching.

Aftershave, needles and thread, car keys, a Tupperware container to store my baking soda in, covers for our outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where I had to turn the house upside-down. A simple answer from my partner when these things were shifted would have saved me a lot of time and frustration. And the answer I got? "You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better"

I was gutted. When I come home from work I exercise the dog and cook dinner so that it is on the table by the time my partner gets home. The house is always spotless and warm, as I’m very conscious of coming home to a tidy environment. I see this as a fundamental part of my role in coming home first, and it takes a lot of my time. To imply that I have the time to "organize yourself better" really hurt.

I don’t expect praise, but I did hope that my efforts were recognized. I got told that "I don’t expect you to cook my dinner every night" was interpreted by me as ingratitude, and hurt me even more.

So where to from here? My partner felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, whereas I felt guilty if it wasn’t perfect. It was never about me trying to make him feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my efforts, and I misinterpreted his response.

Communication, communication, communication. I need for my partner to keep me informed of where things move to. I need to be informed. I need to voice my frustration before it gets to boiling point. We both need to talk about our feelings more, and how each of our contributions to our home and our relationship make us feel, and how we interpret each others contributions. It is not a competition, but for many couples it feels like it.

When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.

We got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn’t hurt so much if I didn’t feel such love at the same time. But it served as a good reminder to me. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.

A good lesson to learn, even for the experts…

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"Get What You Want Now" with Jessica Haynes on AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self-Help Show

"How To Get What You Want Now" with Jessica Haynes, Business and Relationship Consultant, on the AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self-Help Show:

Join me at 5PM PST / 8PM EST on Tuesday, July 15, 2008, for a special talk with Jessica Haynes on "How To Get What You Want Now" on the AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self-Help Show.

To Participate On The Show:

1. Dial (724) 444-7444 enter 37792 to call in, listen, and/or ask questions.
2. Visit http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/37792 to text questions and get chat during show.

Jessica and I will be discussing the following topics during our hour together:

• How to have lasting relationships;
  
• How to stop repeating old patterns that hold you back; and
  
• How to find inner fulfillment, peace of mind, and a secure future.

"She is one of today's most valued relationship consultants. Jessica has defined the essential "ah-has" for developing a successful loving and lasting relationship, and she will be discussing her tips with you today. Jessica will present the 5-steps to a secure, loving, happy, and lasting relationship. Each step will likely change your life for the better.

That's right: You can get the loving relationships, career, friends, and level of prosperity that you always wanted or imagined for yourself. Jessica will guide you through the five steps of having a relationship that works and that lasts. She invites you to participate with your calls to ask questions and find solutions to your current situation.
It's time to live your dreams in the next hour. Get ready for a lot of refreshing ideas, breakthrough perspectives, and enlightening moments.

Jessica uses both her clinical psychology background and her highly intuitive skills. In 1983, Jessica had a near death experience. The insights she gained from dying and coming back began to attract clients from across the nation. She turned her attention from that of being a top marketing executive to coaching and helping others reach their dreams and goals. Jessica will share her amazing story. She will also give you the positive ripple-effect that continues to help people around the globe.

Call in and ask questions - it's simple and easy to join in!

If you MISS this show, listen to the show player right here after broadcast:


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The #1 Biggest Relationship Mistake

This mistake can turn good relationships into ugly relationships in rather short order. Not only that, but commit this relationship mistake often, and you're on a path to separation, for sure.

What is the mistake couples make that can cause such destruction?

The #1 Biggest Relationship Mistake Couples Make:
Building a case against each other.

It happens, from time to time, in relationships, that someone was wronged. Unfortunately, when they are wronged, they get a perspective that they need to simply state their case clearly enough, and their partner ought to "hear" them, validate their concern, admit they were wrong, and life can go on as it was: honky dory, right?

I wish I'd known about the Magic Relationship system for building true love before I made that mistake, for sure!

How about you? Are you guilty of building a case against each other?

Here's my question for you:

Are you trying to build a case against your partner, or trying to build common ground together and connect with them?

If you're building a case, you're more than likely just pushing them further and further away from you. If you build a case, you damage your partner's self-esteem. And, when the self-esteem is hurt, that causes the kind of pain that sends people running away from each other!

When someone builds a case against you, what is your natural tendency behavior mechanism in response? RIGHT: to get defensive and try to find things wrong with THEM! How does that solve anything? All this results in is pushing each other away from each other.

Typically, when you start building facts to make a case against your partner, you don't resolve a damned thing.

Not only that, but if each time you try to reconnect, you bring up something even remotely related to anything that previously sounded like "the case" against your partner, and you'll just send them in fear/flight mode further away from you. If you communicate directly with them, you're likely to receive a cooler reception than you hope for - maybe even outright hostility.

Why is that?

Have you ever seen a frightened animal when it is cornered? The animal will typically FIGHT first, then if (or more likely when) the animal determines it CAN'T WIN or will get HURT WORSE then animal FLEES.

We hope that by building a case we will get heard and our partner will admit they are wrong, realize how much they love us and are so lucky to have someone who will still love them even though they messed up so bad, and they'll come running back into our arms to kiss and make up.

Well, this isn't typically what happens. In one of my own relationships, I found that by making a case, I pushed her away. Further, when I tried to reconcile, she rejected me. Last, when I kept trying to get "heard" she finally cut off all communication. How is that productive? I blew it. It caused both me AND her a lot of pain and frustration. Sure, she contributed, but when I OWN MY PART in the problem, I can say I truly blew it. Can you relate?

As someone with a goal to become a "masterful" communicator, I strove to learn from my failure. The main thing is to realize when we make communication mistakes, and then not make them in the future. In other words: learn from mistakes, and correct them in future situations.

To the woman I hurt: if you read this, I'm sorry. I loved you. I blew it. I hope you realize some day I was just trying to get heard. You deserved better communication from me. I hope you are happy and I truly send you nothing but gratitude and love for the good times and good things we DID share together. Thank you!

Maybe in the future, I will reconnect with this person, and will rediscover a long-lost friend. Time has a way of healing hurt feelings. In the meantime, I'll learn from my mistakes. How about you?

Next time you feel yourself building up facts and building a case against your partner, STOP. Take a breath, and ask yourself three questions:

What is THEIR role in this that they may not have intended?
What can I do to see this from their perspective and put my perspective at rest?
What can I do to reconnect and build a bridge back to love?

When we're looking for ways to CONNECT with others, we usually seek out COMMON GROUND. We need to find ways to relate, share the same words, and get our eyes focused the same way on the problem. If we can do that, we CAN find a way through to the resolution of the problem.

If you find yourself NODDING through this article or relating and thirsting for more wisdom like this, I'd like to recommend a powerful relationship coaching system that utilizes a 4-step cure to problems like "The Biggest Mistake We Make In Relationships = Building A Case" developed over the past few years by my affiliate partners, Paul Sterling and Kristin Denton. The Magic Relationship System Paul and Kristin developed is one of the best I've seen. Their system is based on Marshall Rosenberg's "Non-violent Communication" along with other systems Paul and Kristin discovered mitigate relationship conflict and bring two lovers closer together.

You can poke around, learn more, and sign-up for their system all through this link:

Get the Magic Relationship System

Enjoy! Best of success to you in building true love!

Comment below to discuss your own challenges in building a case.

How to Get Your Ex Back - Click Here!
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. The A-Blog offers more articles like this.

When Life Feels Like Failure

Ever have a bad day?

Sometimes, we all have days that could go better than others. During those days, it sometimes seems that life feels like failure. Can you relate?

Whether it be loss of a friend, being "under the weather", a break-up, loss of a job, or just people or life not quite working out the way we'd hoped, sometimes we are apt to experience "down" days. If you're human, it will happen.

The best thing to do when you're having one of those "bummer" days is to follow this process:

1. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and process what that means to you.
2. Give yourself a moment to breathe and remember you're alive now and alive for good reason!
3. Start moving, creating, building, and doing something again as soon as possible.
4. Be grateful for the opportunity in front of you!

Each step of this process to pull yourself from a bad day and change it to a good day is important. When we give our self permission to experience emotion, we give our self a chance to process and move forward, rather than stay stuck in the past or the present moment. When we take a fresh stock and remember life is an opportunity, not a bummer, we can start to re-frame our hopes for a brighter tomorrow. By moving, creating, building, and/or taking action we give new energy to our body, our being, and the natural chemicals this releases will boost our mood. When we express gratitude for this opportunity we gain insight into the spiritual underbelly of our mission.

Here is a perspective on FAILURE by Michael Jordan, the famous Chicago Bulls' basketball player:



If you're feeling a bit like life is a bummer today, go through the process. It's okay to fail, as long as we fail successfully! Don't worry - it won't last forever. Usually, a down mood lasts just a few hours or a day. Tomorrow is a new day! Embrace each day with the fullness of life in front of you and you'll live a more happy and fulfilled life.

See, if we are not failing, we aren't LIVING enough. So, embrace the failure! Learn from it. Then succeed next time you take the court, so to speak.

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The Key To Success

I've discovered the KEY to success in life endeavors. Yes, upon evaluation, you will discover that this secret is, indeed, the root underneath pretty much all success in your life fulfillment.

Are you seeking success at work?
Are you striving for a happy relationship?
Are you seeking a healthy body?
Do you want more friends?
Do you want more money?

Guess what I discovered is the KEY to SUCCESS for EACH of these things we want in life?

PERSPECTIVE.

That’s right. It is our perspective that determines the outcome of success in any endeavor we pursue.

The statistics on the impact of perspective on our success can range from 42% to as much as 300% difference. In some businesses, 4% separates the best from the worst. In sports, it can be ONE GAME that separates the team that doesn't make the playoffs to the team that wins the title. And that ONE GAME can be turned by ONE PLAY.

Imagine a basketball team that lost half their games last year. They fire the coach. The next year, they bring in a new coach who implements a new perspective. The team adopts a perspective that they can win every game. They built a belief system that by following a basic basketball system, by practicing good basics and implementing discipline towards success, and by adopting an attitude that no matter what, they’ll be competitive in every game and can win ALL of their games. The next year, the coach’s team goes on to win 80% of their games and take the title.

What’s the difference?

Is it that one coach knew more about basketball than the other? Probably not. Usually, one coach just knows how to shift and implement perspective better than the other coach. When the team has a perspective that they can and will win their games, they usually work harder, practice longer, and initiate proactive disciplines (taking shots after a game where they missed the game-winner, for example) that produce more success than their opponents. It really is that simple.

Let’s take another look at two perspectives someone could have with a job at a company that is struggling to succeed. The environment is stressful and people have been quitting. The first perspective looks like this:

“This company is struggling, but still offers great services to our customers. Sure, several of my friends have moved on and left the company, but I’ll make new friends and they’ll probably bring in new people in the months ahead who can be my new friends, too. Although the company is struggling, I think this is an opportunity. The people who demonstrate a positive attitude and success now will be rewarded by management after we pass through this transition. I’ll focus on the positive and experience success in my job and this will bring good things to me in this career.”

Or the second perspective, which looks like this:

“This company sucks! Jon, Margaret, and Ed have all left. My friends are all gone. Putting effort into this company is going to be a waste of time when I could thrive in a different company by going someplace better.”

I, myself, was once in this situation. When I took the latter attitude, my job really did suck. One day, I decided that my problem wasn't the company, but more rather my perspective on the situation with the company. Yes, the company WAS in bankruptcy. Yes, 75% of the sales team had left for competitors and other opportunities. But, rather than change jobs, I adopted the first perspective and stepped it up at the company I was employed at. The difference? I turned it around from where I made $54K one year to making $128K the next. The difference in my success? My PERSPECTIVE.

Let’s say you’re in a relationship. Imagine two different perspectives. The first looks like this:

“This will never work. I have doubts about whether we can make it. He doesn't do this. He says this. He acts this way. I can’t feel like xxx with him.”

Or the second, which looks like this:

“This is going to work. Our love is so strong, it can see us through anything. Yes, we have differences, but I see the ways we’re in common as matching in so many ways, and our differences make us stronger as a team. Although he doesn't always do what I want, we communicate and we’re taking steps towards a happier relationship every day…”

Which perspective do you think is going to remain married and which do you think will end up in divorce or separation?

I see couples who use the first perspective, and guess what? They ALWAYS end up breaking up. The problem is the PERSPECTIVE the couple holds towards their relationship.

I also see couples, like my sister and her husband, who have the latter perspective. They just experienced their 25^th wedding anniversary this year. They have a perspective that they're good together, the love each other, and even when they disagree that they'll see it through. Their perspective is half the battle of success in their marriage!

If you’re in a relationship that is struggling, are one or both of you taking the point of view that it may not work out? If so, you've got a problem. On the other hand, do you see your relationship from a point of view of “Yes, we can do this, no matter what?!” If so, you’ll probably see it through until they plant you in the ground.

It is the same thing with losing weight or developing a healthier body. I noticed my own attitude towards my body was that I was just heavier and needed to work out and needed more exercise and needed to eat healthier, but I until I willing to make the change to make the shift from dream to reality nothing happened to make me look better.

When I shifted my perspective to realize the reality: “This food will impact how much I weigh if I eat it, and if I exercise a little every day, then I’ll reach my optimum weight and look better…” that is when I started to lose weight and get back in shape. Perspective matters with our body, too.

When I compare people who have many friends with people who have few friends, most of those with more friends reach out to people everywhere they go and see people as “basically good, helpful to know, and happy they are in my life” whereas those with fewer friends often have the attitude that “People let me down, hurt me, and judge me unfairly.” The person with happier, healthier friendships is the person who looks for the good in others and gives that same good out everywhere they go. Again, it is their perspective that create their good fortune in friendships.

If you want more money and financial abundance, I’d ask you, "What is your perspective on money?"

Do you believe that you don’t need money? Are you willing to risk all of your money for an endeavor? Then you might go through your money. Take the view point that you can succeed, grow money, and get the work you need to manifest abundance, and you’ll likely discover your bank account is fatter in six months, six years, or longer. Why? A perspective that money is flowing to you and you are growing richer every day will permeate through you and resonate with those around you who want more success, financially, too!

So, if you’re going through life and wondering why you’re realizing happiness and fulfillment or whether you’re struggling to get what you want from life, maybe the problem isn't so much the circumstances and challenges that come your way, but more rather the PERSPECTIVE you adopt towards maximizing your happiness and fulfillment. Adopt a perspective of a winner, of someone who CAN make it and WILL make it, of someone who is healthy, happy, and treated well by others, and you’ll get more of those things. As Jean Luc Picard, the Captain of the Starship Enterprise used to say on Star Trek, The Next Generation, “Make it so!"

This article is now recorded at The AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self Help Radio Show: Click the GREEN PLAYER to listen:

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Speak Up - Don't Bite Your Tongue

Dating & Relationship Advice:

Are You Speaking Up Or Biting Your Tongue?

Don’t expect your partner to be a “mind-reader” in order to understand your thoughts.

Some people have selling skills. Others are analytical. Some are intuitive and emotional, others discern and use logic well. We are all different. And, with these differences, many of them might augment and improve our relationship by making us stronger together than we are apart. However, some of our differences are bound to frustrate us, from time to time.

Despite your strengths that may or may not match in a relationship, you may find times where you and your partner simply don’t see eye to eye. Hey, it's human!

The key question in relationships is: “How will you deal with those moments when you are not feeling heard or experiencing frustrating thoughts?”

Do you sweep them under the rug? Do you hope your partner will read your mind and just magically change?

Think of this: doing nothing is rarely a solution. Doing nothing merely delays the inevitable. Would it be healthier to wait and be reactive, or to deal with this now, proactively?

AspireNow's philosophy in a nutshell: be proactive, not reactive.

Say something positive to your partner, then suggest the concern, and a way that both of you might help improve the situation. Don’t just come up with concerns, bring solutions, too: be proactive. But don’t let the issue sit and fester, please don’t expect your partner to be a mind-reader, and for Pete’s sake, don’t sweep it under the rug and pretend it will magically resolve without any effort from both of you.

You might think, “But, Scott, if I bring this up, won’t we get in an argument?” My answer: Possibly, yes, you might. But consider this:

“Married couples who report they never argue with each other are 35 percent more likely to divorce within four years than are couples who report regularly disagreeing.” (Vaughn 2001).

Considering this fact about relationships that make it vs. those that don't, I’d suggest that opening up and sharing, even with the risk of arguing, is healthier than biting your tongue and hoping for the best.

I remember my ex-wife had this expectation that we would never argue. “My Mom and Dad never argued in front of us kids when we were young, Scott. It isn't healthy to argue!” she would say. Of course, we only argued about once in four months, so I did not see that as a big problem. However, her attitude probably didn't help us stay together, in retrospect.

Of course, you want support. Sure, you want comfort. It would help resolve the trying situation, right? You want your partner to understand your concern, understand the difficulty you face, and understand how to make you feel better. How do you make sure your partner understands your concern?

Are you concerned about money? Are you concerned about sharing interests? Are you concerned about how you’re raising kids together? Are you concerned about how often you’re having sex or experiencing intimacy? In relationships we WILL discover many concerns that we OUGHT to share with each other. The question is, do we make the effort to communicate and share proactively with each other to bring potential future problems out and take positive steps to resolve them?

If we pretend that our partner will magically discover the our concern, but haven’t openly discussed it or aired the matter, then we are being DECEPTIVE with our partner. It simply isn't fair to expect a partner to be what we want or do what we want without expressing those desires.

Now, let me ask you: “What are the odds of long-term relationship success if you’re deceiving your partner?”

You’ll reduce the odds of your long-term success by being less than up-front about your concern.

When you need support, explain the situation clearly, with positive reinforcement of why you love them in front and in back of the concern.

At the same time, if your partner brings up a concern to you, what do you do to validate and hear your partners concerns?

Do you practice active listening?

Resolving a conflict is much like surgery. You have to first dress the wound area and clean it. You must acknowledge there is a wound. Then you must clean the wound and get it ready for surgery. Then you take a step towards fixing the injury by cutting out the offending item or repairing the problem. Next, you stitch up the wound, and bandage it with proper materials so that it doesn't get reinfected. Last, you schedule a follow-up visit to make sure the wound healed properly.

Healthy conflict resolution:

1. Have you repeated back their concern and demonstrated that you heard them?
2. Have you looked for the "dream inside" of the conflict? If you can find the dream inside, you can often shift your perspective to match theirs and give yourself a chance at resolving the conflict more quickly.
3. Have you discussed, together, possible remedies and small steps you might take to resolve the problem? If you resolve your conflict using similar approaches, you're more likely to have success with the problem.
   
4. Have you taken to address the root NEED that is identified by the concern brought up?
   
5. Have you both agreed that the issue was heard, taken to heart, and if possible, put to rest?
   
6. Have you given reassurance of your love together to close the wound and leave it healthy?
7. Did you give yourself a "relationship check-up" and follow up two weeks later to make sure that the issue was resolved to satisfaction?
   

Follow this list and you'll resolve more conflicts, for sure.

I experienced what it feels like to discover that my partner had a concern but let months – even years – go by without airing these concerns to me. When you discover this after the fact, you’re left wondering “How much better could things have been had they simply communicated!” Communicate with your partner - you'll save pain down the road, for sure.

I also experienced how it feels to share a concern about how we might improve our relationship, only to have my partner continue with the behavior that made it difficult to be together and put a strain on our interactions. Or, even worse, I've had a partner take a concern, twist it back around to be about me, then leave me feeling attacked, raw and invalidated, when I was just trying to resolve something to make the relationship better. When you experience this sort of invalidation from your partner over a prolonged period of time, you’re bound to build up frustration. It might even lead to a break-up. So, before things get to a boiling point, if you hear your partner expressing a concern and it IS something you could resolve with some minor changes in behavior, why not validate their concern and take some action towards a positive experience together?

In studies of marriages of various lengths, couples with a high degree of intimacy between the husband and wife – that is, couples who shared their innermost thoughts – were 62 percent more likely to describe their marriage as happy (Pallen 2001).

The choice is yours whether to build a relationship on total honesty, respect, good communication, and love.

At the heart of true love is better communication and healthy conflict resolution. Are you missing the mark but want true love? Change how you communicate, improve how you resolve conflicts, and you’ll improve the love you feel.

Sources:

Pallen, R. 2001. “Intimacy, Need Fulfillment, and Violence in Marital Relationships.” Ph.D. dissertation, University of Arkansas.

Vaughn, L. 2001. “The Relationship Between Marital Satisfaction Levels Associated with Participation in the Free and Hope-Focused Marital Enrichment Program,” Ph.D. dissertation, Regent University.

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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

In Love But Not Together?

Are you separated from the love with your partner? Perhaps you know that you may still be the one, long-term, for each other, but you are not together at this time. Such separation can be a painful process to endure for the person reaching out and frustrating or pressuring to the person who stepped back to take the action they need to take to be a "whole" partner in relationship.

Sometimes, even though we are meant to be together, long-term, there are things that will separate us, short-term, from our lover and best friend.

Maybe one person is working in one city for their career and the other person needs to be somewhere else, perhaps with the kids or doing something else for their career.

Maybe you had an argument or problem in the relationship and need time apart to heal or find a solution to the problem.

Maybe one person doesn't yet fully realize the potential of the two of you together.

One person may be on a quest to build their self-esteem and rediscover who they are before they can rejoin the other as a true team in equality.

Whatever the reason, it is hard to endure being in love but not being together. This is hard for the person who is reaching out their hand, as they yearn to be together, but must exercise restraint and understanding. It is hard for the person who stepped away, because they struggle to explain why they cannot be together and must focus on their need at this time, almost selfishly, in order to complete the whole of the union over the long-term.

I think when you're the person reaching out (or left behind), you need to ask yourself if you are truly committed to the love you feel for your partner, and truly committed to the choice of action required to be patient and see your partner through on their journey. If you are not committed, pull away, and let your heart heal. However, if you ARE committed, then continue to hold POSITIVE thoughts for the relationship. Continue to live as if you are committed and TOGETHER, even though you are not together. Do not engage in new love affairs or sexual trysts to try to heal the loneliness you feel. Just focus on living YOUR best life and building the best place in your heart, mind, and soul for your partner to come back to.

Consider sending something like this to your partner:

I'm in support of your highest good.
I'm here for you whenever you need me.
I honor you and your journey.

This way, when your partner has completed this leg of their journey and either found healing in their heart towards you, or they've discovered their self-esteem and realized their love for you again, or they've completed their work assignment and now can return to be with you; whatever the situation, you'll be ready for them.

If you are the partner who is being distant or has pulled away or left for your career, I will suggest to you that you be sensitive towards the partner who is expressing they still love you and still want to be with you. In your communication with them, you might not want to say anything "final" or "severing" in your words. Try to use words that indicate a temporary status and that this is about your journey. Ask them to support your highest good, and support their highest good, too.

Consider sending them something like this to explain:

I am taking time to (insert whatever issue you are sorting out). I still love you and this is likely just a step in my journey, and our journey together. I support your highest good and ask that you support my highest good, too.

Once you have worked through your issue, time apart, self-esteem, healing, or temporary career adjustment, come back to your partner. When you re-engage, let them know how much you love them and appreciate their support they gave you while you went away. Remember, many people will disconnect and give up just because you can't be together. The person who waits is someone who truly loves you, indeed. Be grateful for that love and never take it for granted!

Other things that may help you through this time include prayer, meditation, physical exercise, and doing healthy things to improve your life.

It isn't always easy to be in love, but not together, but you can do it if this relationship is truly what you want from love, dating, and friendship in your significant other.
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The Dating and Relationship Integrity Quiz

Are you expressing integrity in your dating and relationships?

Even if you *think* you're expressing integrity in your relationships, you might not be. How can you know? Take the following quiz I created this week, then review my comments below on how to improve your actions in integrity to better improve the love you wish to enjoy:

The Relationship Integrity Quiz

1. If you have any misgivings about your relationship, you:

a. Continue to put forth a face that you're committed in the relationship to your partner and sweep the concern under the rug, hoping it will go away with time.
b. End the relationship. Misgivings are a sure sign that the relationship will fail.
c. Ask your partner to "talk" and express the concerns you have openly.
d. Tell your friends about it, but leave your partner in the dark.

2. When your partner brings up a concern, do you

a. Listen, then immediately change to please them.
b. Ignore them. They are always whining about something or another.
c. Hear them, validate what they've said (clarify to ensure you understand), and then come to an agreement about small steps that each partner might take to help better meet their needs in the area they brought up.
d. Deflect the concern back onto them and immediately point out something in them that annoys you, too.

3. You've noticed that you've gone 2 weeks without having sex or expressing a prolonged intimacy (and nothing is going on with your health that would have precluded this). You:

a. Laugh it off. Oh, sex, it's just a small part of dating or being married.
b. Express concern and tell your partner to put up or get out.
c. Discuss the situation with your partner. Ask them if they can think of reasons why expressing physical intimacy might have slipped to the back burner, and proactively find ways to create time to be more intimate.
d. 2 weeks? That's all? Try two months, 2 years, or 2 decades, baby!

4. Your partner asks for a certain type of attention. You respond by:

a. Yawn. They always want that gushy stuff. I've got more serious things to do with life like provide for the family, man!
b. Tell them that you always give them that, why are they complaining?
c. Listen, then make a note to start to show appreciation and attention in the way they requested. You follow-up in two weeks to see if they've noticed the ways you're now showing appreciation for them.
d. Tell them that they need to show you attention, too. Maybe then you could give them what they want. Why don't they do (xyz...) for you? Sheez!

5. Your partner says that they are irritated because you're talking over them. You respond by:

a. Interrupting and telling them they don't know what they're talking about.
b. Ignoring them. What they say isn't really that important, anyway.
c. Listening, apologizing, then making a point to let them speak and hearing them out before putting your thoughts out there into the conversation.
d. Laugh it off. They just don't know a poet when they hear one!

6. You're trying to include your partner in various aspects of your life dreams: family, interests, friends, work, and so forth. They demonstrate either a lack of interest or the experience is even negative. You:

a. Tell them that if they love you they have to love....(xyz interest/dream)
b. Dump them! They ought to accept and love the same stuff you do, after all.
c. Talk about the concern and determine if there is a reason they expressed a negative or lack of interest in the dream you want to realize. Discuss options of doing small things in the future to make the situation more enjoyable for both of you.
d. Blow it off. They like some things, but you'll just do your own thing anyway! That's why there's shopping, sports, poker night, and girl's night out, baby!

7. Your partner crossed you in public on an issue that there was no apparent reason for them to not back you on. You:

a. Tell them they are rude and yell at them.
b. End the relationship. How dare they!
c. Discuss the concern. Find out why they crossed you. Discuss ways to make sure they show respect for you in the future, and how you can both better respect each other.
d. Ignore them or point out how they crossed you just 5 minutes earlier. So they beat you to it, so what?

8. If you've expressed that you are dating each other exclusively or in a committed relationship, and you find your partner has a voice mail, a note, or other suspicious behavior going on, you:

a. Blow up! How could they cheat on you!
b. Dump them. There's no place for infidelity in any relationship.
c. Ask them what is going on with the message, note, or activity. Discuss what they are looking for in the present relationship that might be missing or could be improved. Then, take actions to give more of that. Follow-up with them in two weeks to find out if things are better so that they don't feel the need to encourage outside distractions.
d. Flirt with someone else as soon as they leave. That will teach them!

9. Your partner expresses concern about your friends, children, or parents. You:

a. Tell them "It's my life. Complain now you might as well walk out forever!"
b. End the relationship. Your family and friends are more important than this partner, anyway.
c. Discuss the concern, hear their issue, validate their concern, and agree to take small steps towards improving the situation with them. Follow-up in two weeks to see how things are progressing.
d. My friends? My kids? My parents? Oh My God! You should see theirs!!

10. You're finding your self either giving too much money or taking money from your partner in ways you didn't originally think you would. You:

a. Keep giving (or taking). Hey, it's a dog-eat-dog world, baby.
b. End the relationship. People ought to be equal, not give or take too much.
c. Discuss what's going on with material things. Discover the root of the issue, and find small steps to improve and grow finances and possessions together as a team. Follow-up in a brief time to see how things are getting better.
d. They DO take from me. I'll just take something of theirs, silly.

*****

Okay, so you've completed the quiz. Now, I want you to notice how I structured this quiz.

If you find your responses in the "C" category on each of these questions, then you're handling your relationship with integrity. You're clearly communicating well, resolving conflicts as good as most people, and making progress in your relationship. Right on!! The "C" answers in this quiz are the healthiest way I could think of in each situation to maximize (a) validating each other's concerns, (b) resolving conflict proactively, (c) developing more honesty, intimacy, and integrity, and (d) growing closer together over time.

If you found any or many of your answers outside the "C" category, I'll point out what each of the other categories can get you and what they mean:

"A" answers: Answers to the Integrity Quiz are one of two flavors: Passive responses that indicate you'll hope the problem will just solve itself, or Aggressive answers that cause more flame-ups. If you found yourself answering "A" often, you need to look at your communication style. If your style is Passive, then you're likely going to feel somewhat repressed over time and resentments will build up towards your partner. This is a breach of integrity. You need to come forth, listen more actively, and take more action towards healthy give-and-take in your relationship. You need to communicate more openly and say what you want. Rather than just trying things, get to the root of why you are trying and operate in a new way.

If your style is Aggressive, you need to ask if the aggression serves you and your partner? More than likely, your style is repressing your partner and creating more conflict than resolution. Aggression, out of control, is not integrity in dating or relationships. Find why you respond with anger or yelling and discover ways of communicating that validate both you and your partner and you'll build more integrity in your relationship.

"B" answers: If your answers are predominantly "B", then you have a real issue with commitment. Your first reaction to problems is to run away or dump your partner. If you're choosing this option, you're not really choosing to have integrity in your relationships, despite whatever you think. Instead, you're choosing to act like you're right, and making everyone else wrong. Instead of running away or cutting bait, why not find ways to validate, hear, learn, act proactively, and grow more integrity in commitment with your relationship? You'll find your relationship will be more healthy if you learn these skills.

"D" answers: If your answers are predominantly "D", you are acting in a way that is completely self-centered and out of integrity with your relationship. You either think you're right or have such low self-esteem that you're treating others disrespectfully and not really resolving anything. Your deflection of concerns is a mask for this. In addition, you aren't "owning" your partners concerns. In many cases, you out-and-out act out anyway just to prove you can. It is amazing your partner is still with you, frankly. If you want a healthy relationship, you might consider learning more about "C" answers and how to develop respect, trust, and real love in your relationship.

If you're finding some of your answers straying outside of "C" answers, why not take a fresh look at how you manage your relationship and see if there isn't room for improvement. Many people can have and grow the love they seek simply by committing to and taking small steps each day towards each other, resolving conflicts in a healthy way, and growing towards each other in love.

If you enjoyed this article, you may also enjoy:

The Intimacy, Love, and Dating Scale, by Jessica Haynes
What Makes A Person Great, by Scott Andrews
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Taking Time To Love Our Own Self

Have you ever experienced the feeling like you were pulled to give time to a dating partner or life partner instead of loving your self?

I recently discovered that I'd been jumping back into dating too soon after a relationship breakup. How did I know this? Well, because, with every person I met to date I found they were either (a) emotionally unavailable, (b) seeking rescue, (c) expressing they were into me (and I wasn't them), and/or (d) expressing they were not into me (and I was them). Whatever the situation, I noticed that I was pushing too much. And, when I got there, I had little desire to pursue it further.


Why? Because I hadn't resolved my feelings in my previous relationship.

I think it is normal to still feel "in love" with a partner, even when they are gone, especially if there was a strong chemistry element to the relationship. However, being in love with someone else means you are NOT emotionally available to date anyone NEW. In other words, dating anyone new when you're still in love with someone else only sabotages any chance at a real connection with that person.

When I realized this was my situation, I decided to pull back from dating and focus on taking time for self. I've done it before: after my divorce with Judi (1993) and again after my breakup with Trisha (1999), I took some time for my self and found it time well spent. I also took that time again between 2002 and 2006, to a large extent, and also found that useful for personal development. If you find yourself working on falling out of love with another and back into love with your self, take some time - it will do you good.

I'm not someone who enjoys excessive time alone. But I do find it worthwhile when between relationships to stop looking for answers outside of me and instead remember to LOVE ME AGAIN and realize that all the answers to my personal happiness lie inside me. The spirit of God inside me provides all the happiness I need to be fulfilled. It is true for everyone. When you love yourself, then you are truly ready to love another person again!

So, if you're finding yourself caught in demands for your love and affection and your heart just isn't in it, perhaps you might take some time out for yourself. Remember, any time we want to love someone else, and have them love us, too, it is critical that we love our own self first.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog. Photo courtesy Free Range Stock.

Are You In Love?

Do you believe in love? Are you in love with someone special?

Have you let them know it lately?

There are many ways to say “I love you” to someone. When considering love, it can be a feeling, a thought, a spoken word or phrase, a gesture, or a solid action demonstrating love clearly exists from one person to another.

What Is This Strange Feeling we call LOVE?

If you feel that you love someone, you're likely either feeling a sense of “belonging” or a sense of “loyalty” or a sense of “passion” for that person. Have you ever seen someone who “felt” in love with someone but never told them how they felt? What were they waiting for?

Sometimes, we don't share our feelings with others because we are afraid that we might be rejected. Or, we may have been hurt by a lover in the past and now feel the fear that this new person may not work out, either. Last, perhaps we've already given it a go with a special person and had less than the desired success with the relationship, and feel that going back in might cause more hurt in the future. In any event, there are reasons why people sometimes do not express their feelings of love for each other. However, I will point out that in most of these instances, it is FEAR that stops people from sharing their feelings with each other.

In case you've missed some of my other articles on this subject, FEAR blocks LOVE. You can't have your optimum relationship airplane take-off with fear on board the plane! FEAR works like a DRAG on any relationship. So, if FEAR is stopping you, I'd say to RELEASE the FEAR! Once you've released the fear you will free your soul of the burden that blocks your conscious self from expressing your true feelings. At that point you will be able to express your love freely with the person you love.

How can we express the love we feel?

Once you've decided to express your feelings, you now have choices. You can either SAY how you feel, or you can SHOW how you feel.

Say it loud, say it proud!

"I LOVE YOU!"

When we say “I LOVE YOU,” we are expressing our feelings in the most direct and sincere way possible. We could still say, “I care about you” or “I dig hanging out with you” or “you're a lot of fun” but all of those ways of expressing feelings could just as easily be feelings of friendship as feelings of love. If you want to say “I love you” to another person, why not just come out and say these three magic words?

Now, if you're like me, you probably appreciate hearing when another person says “I love you” to you. So, go for it, put it out there, and let your heart strings play their tune.

Have you told someone you care about deeply that you love them?

If you were hurt in the past, you've got to move beyond that hurt, put the fear behind you, and embrace saying how you feel IN THE MOMENT now. When you can do this, you will experience MORE love in your life – I'm certain of it. If you sense people arguing, why not step in and offer a bridge towards faith, hope, and love in the GOOD of things. When we work as a team, support each other, and offer encouragement, life is SO MUCH BETTER!

In my family, we all say “I love you” when parting. We do this frequently – I'd say about 30% of our conversations end with “I love you” stuck in there some place. I don't know if I've been as good with my relationships. For some reason, I'm a bit non-committal and don't always say how I feel when I love a woman. I've made a new resolution in 2008 that from now on, when I feel it, and we have engaged in a committed relationship, I will say "I Love You" much more often. If you feel like you love someone special, tell them. You might have something to lose, but we certainly can't win anything if we don't play the game of life. And playing means jumping in and saying something.

Don't just say it - SHOW IT!

Now, you may also feel better if the person also SHOWED you how much they love you as well as TOLD YOU how much they loved you. After all, we can't play if we don't interact.

My sister once told me that children base their judgment of how much you love them by how much TIME you spend with them, doing things together. Is it any different for teenagers, college kids, thirty-somethings, mid-life adults, or elderly? I read in an advice column last week how a Grandmother felt her love was rejected and didn't matter because the kids and grand kids weren't showing appreciation for the time she was investing towards them. On the other hand, I've also read about mothers trying to get their kids exposure to a grandmother who didn't act involved or show up to birthday parties. The love street goes BOTH ways. Just reach out and show the people in your life that you love them.

We MAKE time for those we love...

Don't just TAKE time - MAKE time for the people who are special to you. Spend meals and vacations together. Go fishing together. Attend plays together. Read a book together. Watch a movie together. Go for a walk together. Just do things together. I love going to play golf and tennis with my brother and nephew. It's become a favorite past-time now with all of us that grew out of my reaching out one day saying "Come play golf with me!"

In my family, not only do we say we love each other often, but we also SHOW each other that we love each other by making special trips and visits to be with each other. We share special meals together. We're there for each other during hard times. We play together. We take vacations together. We make a point to communicate with each other – even when we're busy. Is your family making the effort to SHOW they care as well as SAY they care for each other? If not, why not start this practice today?

Actions speak louder than words...

Here are a few useful ways to SHOW YOU LOVE SOMEONE with your ACTIONS:

1. Write a handwritten note. Notice: I didn't say send a text message. The meaning of taking the time to write a letter still carries far more weight than sending an email or a text message. We've grown so lazy in the modern era! Is an e-card the same as a hallmark birthday card? I hardly think so. People TOUCH a letter. They don't touch their e-cards. I remember when my wife, before we were engaged, sprayed perfume in her letters to me so that I'd remember her smell when reading her love letters to me. Can you SMELL an email? Enough on that. So, yes, put it in writing. I was joking with a friend by my pool last week and said “I think it's hot when a woman writes me a love note, like 'I love you' or 'you made me so hot last night' in lipstick on the mirror, or sticks a little love note under my pillow saying something like 'I think about you...' while I'm sleeping, or creative things like that.” She replied, “I send my fiancée a text message!” What do you think a man is more likely to remember: the lipstick note, the note under the pillow, the note in the lunch pail, the card with perfume, or the text message? So, put it in writing but also make it something memorable by engaging the senses and making it physical!
   
2. Put yourself in front of them. My Dad once told my sister that if she wanted to attract a man, to dress pretty, be smiling and happy, and make sure she stood in front of him at events where he shows up! I recall meeting my last girlfriend that way, when she was standing there at church laughing at my crazy jokes! She later followed me around the appetizer trays as we chatted, and we talked for about forty minutes that first day. Clearly, there was something going on! Are you spending time or finding activities where the person you love is spending their time? I play gigs. I've found that women, when they want to express interest in me, often show up at one of my saxophone gigs. It's a way they're letting me know they're interested and it's probably also fun and casual for them so it is easy for them to put it out there. My sister met David, her eventual husband, at a group event at Campus Crusade for Christ. David and his friend, Chuck, invited Terri and her friend, Susie, to frozen yogurt one night, and then later they went on a double-date to a movie. Chuck put his arm around Suzie, David gave Terri a kiss goodnight, and the rest was history! In one of my all-time favorite movies, It's A Wonderful Life, Mary Hatch, the woman who loves George Bailey, finds a way to go with him to the dance, to spend time around his family, to support him in his dream to “lasso the moon” and pretty much demonstrates, consistently throughout the movie, that she totally loves him lock, stock, and barrel. I wouldn't mind being loved like that, too!
   
3. Do something nice for them. This one is tricky. You want the thing you do to be a favor, not create an expectation. So, use this with discretion. An ex-girlfriend once told me she thought I loved her when I took out the trash. She also said she showed her love to me when she folded my socks in the laundry (I'm color-blind), saving me anguish from wearing a navy sock with a black sock! Those little things sometimes matter. The things we do for each other, baking cookies, cooking a meal, mowing the lawn, bringing soup when they feel bad, giving them a back massage, rubbing their feet, are all ways to show you love someone. In school, I remember I scored points when I offered to carry a girl's books one time. Little things that show you are a gentleman, or a lady, matter. Show up with flowers, chocolate, or some other little small gift. Show up with a CD he likes or some other gift he wants. Do something to show him you care. Dress up for each other and look nice for each other - even after you've been dating for three years!
   
4. Be there when times are tough. When someone is ill, experiences a loss at their job, goes through a tough time at work, loses a friend or loved one, goes through a death in the family, an accident, or any other thing that could be considered a “times are down” moment, it is critical that you show the person you love that you care. Seriously, friends show they are friends by being there – in both the good times and bad! If you love someone, show them you love them. Don't let them down when they're going through a tough time. Be there for the people you love when they go through tough times and you'll prove that you're a loyal, loving companion!
5. Hold hands, hug, kiss, or make love with them. If you want to show someone you care, don't withhold physical affection. Show them you love them by greeting them with a hug and a kiss (a long one if you're already intimate – the 10-second kiss concept helps keep relationships a little spicier!). Touch them, rub their shoulders, pat them on their hip, wrap your arm around them when you're standing by them, and connect with them physically. It is a way to show we are connected, mentally and emotionally, with someone we love, by touching and connecting with them physically. I recently saw a woman and her husband together, and while they were considering a serious decision, I noticed that she rubbed his arm, rubbed his shoulders, smiled at him, gave him encouraging looks.. there was so much in her body language telling him "I love you!" that it was right there on her sleeve!
   
6. Don't withhold your love. If you're still in love with someone, but playing hard to get or distancing yourself, whatever you do get back in there and communicate that you love them! Why would you pull away and cause them to doubt that you care if you truly still DO care for them? And by all means, if you're in a committed adult relationship with someone, do NOT withhold physical affection. If you're holding out, sexually, consider giving your lover sexual love unless it is painful or highly uncomfortable for you to comply or give physical affection due to an injury or illness. I've seen men cheat on women because they withheld sex. I've seen women cheat on men because they were only “getting it” once every two months. If you're in a “love” relationship, why wouldn't you want to “make love” with each other? If you want to show, through your actions, that you love someone, then making love is the most intimate and powerful way you can demonstrate your love for your partner. Of course, make sure you're fully able to trust each other first, then engage in sex as it is appropriate. But, once you're in a sexual relationship, do not then start to withhold or find excuses to avoid sex. It will degrade how you show your love through actions more than anything else you can do. As a friend of mine recently said to his girlfriend "I can deal with all the crazy stuff you put me through if you give me regular sex, but when you withhold sex all I hear and see is the bad stuff." Yes, sex matters.
   
7. Give before you expect to receive. (Or give without expecting to receive.) If you've been holding back, expecting your lover to give to you first, I'd suggest YOU GIVE to them FIRST. Why initiate? Because, by putting it out there you help encourage others to love you the way you would like to be loved. We have a song we play in my band, BODY, called "Give Some to Get Some," which is about this very thing. Give some without expecting anything back, and you might be surprised by what you do get back.

If you want to build more love, yes, it is important to both say "I love you" to your partner AND show them, through your actions, that you're someone they can count on, that you're someone who supports and believes in their dreams, and you're someone who will celebrate the good and bad times, too.

If you're IN LOVE with someone, don't leave it to mystery – or to chance – for them to find out. Take action and SHOW you love them by doing something, right now, to demonstrate your love, and you'll improve the love in your life.

Enjoy this article? You'll also enjoy my article on Fun Dating Ideas here at AspireNow.
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Setting and Reaching Your Goals

Are you living the life you want? If not, perhaps it is a good time to revisit your dreams and goals and WRITE DOWN what you really want the most.

I've got a formula I've used in the past and recently revisited regarding goals. It worked before, and I believe it still works, today.

How to set and reach better and more powerful goals:

1. Write down goal categories.

I recently made the following categories:

1. Personal growth and spiritual development
2. Career development
3. Fun, hobbies, and recreation
4. Money management
5. Social network
6. Family and friends
7. Health and body

Through utilizing this system, I broke down my goals into the top 1 - 3 goals for each category. If this is too daunting, just set ONE goal for each category.

For example, my biggest health and body goal right now is to get back to 195 FIT lbs total weight. I've made progress on this having lost 24 lbs in the past six months; however, I still have to get more toned and drop another 20 lbs. by the end of August to hit my goal.

2. Frame each goal in terms of "I am" and "sooner or on" and "or more than" and "or less than" in your phrasing.

For example, with my health and body goal, I've phrased it like this:

I am exercising regularly, weighing 195 lbs or less, physically fit, and eating healthier foods by August 31, 2008 or sooner.

See how it works?

3. Put each goal on an index card.

4. Read each goal as an intention twice every day.

5. Additional recommended step: create vision boards for your goals.

I recommend utilizing Orange Peel Software for a "dream board" on your computer. They're not expensive and it's a cool way to create the exact vision of what you want to see instead of a screen saver!



In addition, create a cardboard vision board with cutouts you create on your computer or from magazines. Just be careful using magazines ... I'd rather paste the EXACT thing I want rather than something SIMILAR to what I want. It is more powerful to picture the EXACT representation of what you want to realize in your life.

When revisiting your index cards each day, I suggest you read each one in the morning, and then again late in the day before you go to bed or when you say your prayers.

I've also written an article on Executive Goal Setting to help you realize more of your career aspirations over at ARRiiVE's blog. I recommend you check it out before completing your business goals.

I wish you the best in setting and reaching your goals. I've found this system to be the best over the course of my life. If you regularly revisit your goals, cross off the list the ones you've achieved and added new goals, over time, you'll realize far more than your counterparts and live a much more happy and fulfilled life!

View related articles:
How To Succeed More Often
A Vision Board Can Help You Manifest
How To Lose Weight
Fun Dating Ideas
Find The Man (or Woman) Of Your Dreams
Smashing The Goal Barrier
7 Steps To Living The Life Of Your Dreams

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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Do Children Make It Harder To Date?

I've done some poking around lately on dating websites and noticed that some women are really upset at men for pre-judging them simply because they parent two children about to enter their teenage years. This also goes for women pre-judging guys who say "spending time with their child" is one of their top three passions.

Well, as a guy who dated women with children in their pre-teen (and in their teenage years) I can understand and empathize with the challenges of dating a parent. But why does parenting children make it harder for you to date new suitors? I'll illuminate the challenges and some solutions to those challenges in this article.

7 Reasons Why Your Children Make It Harder To Date You:

1. "My child comes first."

Both men and women, but especially women, make this statement. If you're single, and considering someone else to date, do you really want to hear that you're going to be second to someone else's kid? Probably not. Not only that, but oftentimes the parent has disparaging things to say about their ex-husband or ex-wife. Considering this child might just be the demon seed of that ex, perhaps the thought runs through the mind of this new potential suitor "Could this child come first and cause serious problems? YES!" And, often, that pre-judgment would not be wrong. In my opinion, people who put their children first in any situation run the risk of losing a partner. Why? Because the child is NOT the child of the partner. In a relationship, the partner must come first (after God) and the children after that - except for in matters of care. Read more about my position on this matter here.

2. The child may behave poorly.

Well, I know you think your child is perfect because they've been bringing home finger-painted pictures that show you and them and words like "I love Mom" or "My Dad Rocks" on it. Some kids are really sweet and fun to be around. However, some other children often counterbalance those sweet messages with selfish, demanding, and rude behavior. If you're single and don't have a kid, embracing the idea of bringing a poorly behaved child into your life just to date their hot mother or father sort of tarnishes the idea of the new relationship and makes you more than a bit "less" hot. Does this make sense to you?

3. Watching your kid play soccer may not be their cup-of-tea.

I've seen enough soccer games when my ex-wife took me to her niece and nephew's soccer games to last a lifetime. Add to that a couple of ex-girlfriends whose kid also played soccer, and I'm pretty much played-out on watching a kid roll around a ball for three hours on a Saturday, when I could be out on a walk on the beach, playing my sax at a gig, working on a blog post, writing a book, helping a client, bicycling, swimming, skiing, dancing, or anything else under the sun that sounds much more enjoyable. I don't think I'm selfish. I just don't really want to watch children's soccer games. Yet, I've noticed that single parents expect their new partner to get involved and watch junior play their beloved soccer game every week in the Fall season. I use soccer for an example, but it could be basketball, track, football, gymnastics, or any other event, too. Your potential partner is considering this when you tell them "My child comes first" and then follow it with "Taking little Jimmy to soccer games...". While it is easy to get ticked at the man or woman who doesn't want to do that and label them selfish, consider that every dating activity is a CHOICE and maybe it isn't selfish and non-supportive, at all. It is just personal preference of how we wish to spend our life.

4. Pre-teen children become teenage children.

For anyone who has raised teenagers, with their selfish, outrageous hormone-driven behavior, both parents and non-parents alike often proclaim the challenges of these difficult years. I remember my own father laying awake at night, worrying about my brother or me when we stayed out late doing God-only-knew-what, at least as far as Dad was concerned. Teenagers cause their parents a bit of stress, which might factor into the equation in your partner's head when they're considering dating you. For example, a partner may consider any time they see a problem with authorities in your child's behavior and wonder "Would I get a bill from the fire or police department for damage caused by this kid?" Marriage is a "community property" deal. Most dating partners know this and many may not want to increase their liability in raising a child simply to date you.

5. Your time is not your own.

I've seen this message driven home harshly, when I was on a date with a woman who mothered a 13-year-old daughter who demanded more than I could imagine. It was our third date. Her daughter called her five times during one hour with me while she was at my house for dinner. That was also our last date. Do you really think it mattered to me what her daughter was calling about? It was rude to me, for sure, for the mother to continually answer those phone calls. It wasn't an emergency. It was a problem with respect and setting proper boundaries. What did I read out of it: RED FLAG - trouble ahead. Wind the clock forward three years and guess what? The kid is giving the mother a lot worse trouble now!

Your partner is watching behavior by your child. Yes, they're paying attention to what your kid does. But, guess what? They're also watching what YOU do. When your child demands time from you when you ought to be focused on your date, this is a detriment to dating you - especially when you're not honoring your clear boundaries. Not only that, but many single parents only have about four (that's right, FOUR) nights a month without children. If they have the kids all the time or the common "every-other-weekend" arrangement with the ex, then they don't have much time for their partner on a one-on-one basis. That means only four to six nights a month to be INTIMATE without worrying about if the children will hear you make love or whatever. If your partner enjoys intimacy more than this, dating you (and your children) might be a challenge.

6. More mouths to feed, clothes to buy, college institution fees to pay, cars to buy.

Children are expensive. Your partner might be considering the cost of feeding and paying for you AND your children and deciding that it will just be too costly. Can you really get mad at them for considering the practical reality that raising children isn't cheap?

7. Being a successful step-parent is largely dependent upon you.

Not only that, but there's multiple personalities to balance. Most single parents really have their hands full. Really, I mean it and I have tremendous respect for any parent trying to bring home the bacon, cook the meals, keep an organized and harmonious household, AND be a hot and sexy dating partner. It's hard to pull off being a stellar single parent. I think it is critical that the parent involve the new partner in a step role when it is appropriate (not too early) and yet also they MUST set fair-play ground rules with their children. I've seen this handled well about 10% of the time, and poorly 90% of the time. While I don't say I'm an expert as a step-parent, I can bet that many people who've dated others with kids have seen this, too, and might just consider it a low-odds scenario. When we date others, we're looking for high odds. It is hard enough to date someone successfully when there's just two people involved, let alone three, four, or more.

Now, while there are challenges in being a single parent, there ARE solutions to these concerns. From my experience, and suggestions from experts I've studied over the past couple of years, I can suggest trying the following to minimize the challenges of dating as a single parent:

How to make it easier to date when you have children:

1. Put your partner first and establish clear boundaries for time you dedicate to them.

Many single parents do a poor job with setting and establishing boundaries with their children and their new dating partner. Don't make that mistake. Instead, establish the boundary up front and hold to those boundaries firmly. Be consistent! Make sure there are rewards for successful honoring and reprimands for breaking your boundaries and always follow through consistently with getting what you truly want from your children. Put God first, your partner second, and your kids third, and you'll create a more harmonious household for all of the parties involved.

2. Resolve deep troubles before dating anyone.

Even though your child may be sweet and loving to you, the behavior problems that already exist with you get worse when you introduce someone new. If you see a repeated problem with your child (a) showing defiant behavior and not minding adults, (b) exhibiting destructive patterns (verbal abuse, hitting others, wrecking possessions, etc.), (c) not respecting boundaries, then investigate ways to learn to deal with defiant behavior, resolving conflict in destructive behavior, and respecting boundaries before bringing in a new partner. If you can't get your child to respect you, how can you expect your partner to fare any better?

3. Have your own life, too.

Try not to create a lifestyle completely wrapped around your children. What's the solution? Creating a life of your own. It is important for you to maintain your own life as much as it is to be a parent. If you don't have time for a sitter established, and if you don't have time designated as your own, you're likely going to run into problems with managing a dating lifestyle. Establish time respect prior to any new relationship and your children won't freak out as much when you introduce someone new into their life, because they're already used to you doing your own thing sometimes. Make sure your children always respect your time and don't interrupt it with phone calls, text messages, or barging into your room unannounced. If you respect your time, they will start to respect you more, too.

4. Practice sound financial judgment.

If you're running into credit card problems or other types of debt issues, you're creating a problem for your partner to fix. Don't be a victim! Instead, be someone who empowers you and your children to a better lifestyle. Invest in your children's college education BEFORE you need it (start when they are born). Put money aside for your children's clothing, medical, and transportation needs so that your partner isn't burdened with these things. That way, you're entering the relationship empowered, healthy, and without any additional burden to your partner. If you can accomplish financial strength, you'll be a catch rather than a possible liability.

5. Encourage positive interactions between your children and other adults.

As much as children can cause concern, they can also be a true JOY to be around. I've seen some children who are so well-behaved, sweet, and kind to others they make me yearn for more children of my own. Do your children do this? If so, you're on the right path! If your partner can see themselves gaining through the interaction with your children, instead of losing their path, you're likely to create a much more harmonious environment for ALL of you.

6. Respect ANY and ALL positive interactions with your partner in a step role.

I've been in situations where it was expected and demanded that I accept children, share, and involve the kids in my life and get involved in their life, too. I've also been in situations where my accepting the child wasn't appreciated very much. Instead, I felt judged for ways I didn't match the mother's expectations. Try to minimize judgment and maximize positive support. It is healthiest when you recognize that all interaction from your partner with your child is not an expectation but rather a CHOICE. Make sure you make the request but allow it to be your partner's choice exactly how much they want to get involved in your child's life. When they do get involved, show them appreciation for the things they do well. It will matter to them and help reinforce the positive interaction that builds more love between everyone if you do show appreciation for the positive interactions.

As much as children can make it harder to date, if you establish your boundaries, create an environment that is loving, supportive, fun, and about EVERY person's needs, not just the children, you're so much more likely to attract people to you who love children and want them in their life. Personally, any woman who had children, but they were cute, behaved well, and respected both of us would be a blessing, not baggage. So, take the steps to make sure you can date more easily through building a healthy and functional relationship with your children, starting today!
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