#3 Biggest Relationship Mistake

When we're in a relationship, we often try to communicate our thoughts openly. However, sometimes we use a "passive-aggressive" approach to our communication, and suggest through that implied communication or need that our partner must take action based upon the passive-aggressive nature of the comment.

This is where this communication tactic leads to long-term failure and break-down in relationships: if we cannot communicate and lead through what we want and mean then we're implying our partner isn't good enough or doing enough. This will put our partner on the defensive and lead to conflict and potential blow-ups!

What is the third mistake couples make that can cause such damage in relationships?

The #3 Biggest Relationship Mistake Couples Make:

Passive-Aggressive communication, rather than leading with what we truly want.

If we could only just say what we want!

Instead, we often SUGGEST what we want, indirectly.

For example, say that the house is a mess. Rather than say "The house is a mess, so I'm going to clean the kitchen and front-room and I'd like you to clean the bathrooms and bedroom" we say "The house is a mess. We need to clean this pig-pen up!"

Notice, it SEEMED like we were owning our part, by saying "we need to clean this up" but the IMPLIED message is "YOU need to clean this up" to the partner who receives this message.

This is what I mean by passive-aggressive communication.

How about you? Are you guilty of using passive aggression to communicate with your partner?

Try saying what you mean and what you really want.

I'd like to go to a play tonight. Will you go with me and buy our tickets? Is much more direct than "Why don't we ever go to any plays... you never take me anywhere."

Here's my question for you:

Do you make statements that IMPLY your partner ought to do something that you want?

When you make statements that imply your partner ought to act in a certain way or do a certain thing, but are not directly asking for what you want, you are not communicating in a way that will build up your love. Rather, you'll likely build up to a conflict in the future.

Want a different approach?

I'd like to recommend a powerful relationship coaching system that utilizes a 4-step cure to problems like "The Biggest Mistake We Make In Relationships = Using Passive-Aggression" developed over the past few years by my affiliate partners, Paul Sterling and Kristin Denton. The Magic Relationship System Paul and Kristin developed is outstanding and I recommend it. Their system is based on Marshall Rosenberg's "Non-violent Communication" along with other systems Paul and Kristin discovered mitigate relationship conflict and bring two lovers closer together.

Dig through their site, learn more, and sign-up for their system all through this link:

Get the Magic Relationship System

Enjoy! Best of success to you in building true love!

Comment below to discuss your own challenges in creating stories and believing in erroneous stories.
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For Better or Worse, Richer or Poorer

What Happens When Communication Breaks Down In Marriage?

(Note: This is a guest article by Amy Waterman from Save My Marriage Today.)

It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle thing, and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often, especially when feelings are involved. Even those who think that they are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves drawn into a communication breakdown when they least expect it, and chaos ensues.

This happened to me on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took me by surprise. Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. My partner told me something that really hurt my feelings, and I lashed back in defense. It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of aftershave. But to me, it represented something much deeper, that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks. I get frustrated at having to search for something when it is not where I expect it to be. Worse still when my partner has shifted it and I don’t know the first place to begin searching.

Aftershave, needles and thread, car keys, a Tupperware container to store my baking soda in, covers for our outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where I had to turn the house upside-down. A simple answer from my partner when these things were shifted would have saved me a lot of time and frustration. And the answer I got? "You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better"

I was gutted. When I come home from work I exercise the dog and cook dinner so that it is on the table by the time my partner gets home. The house is always spotless and warm, as I’m very conscious of coming home to a tidy environment. I see this as a fundamental part of my role in coming home first, and it takes a lot of my time. To imply that I have the time to "organize yourself better" really hurt.

I don’t expect praise, but I did hope that my efforts were recognized. I got told that "I don’t expect you to cook my dinner every night" was interpreted by me as ingratitude, and hurt me even more.

So where to from here? My partner felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, whereas I felt guilty if it wasn’t perfect. It was never about me trying to make him feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my efforts, and I misinterpreted his response.

Communication, communication, communication. I need for my partner to keep me informed of where things move to. I need to be informed. I need to voice my frustration before it gets to boiling point. We both need to talk about our feelings more, and how each of our contributions to our home and our relationship make us feel, and how we interpret each others contributions. It is not a competition, but for many couples it feels like it.

When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.

We got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn’t hurt so much if I didn’t feel such love at the same time. But it served as a good reminder to me. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.

A good lesson to learn, even for the experts…

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#2 Biggest Mistake Couples Make In Relationships

In dating, singles are often trying to "size" each other up. We'll look for bad habits with money, sex, rudeness, or any other little thing to try to eliminate a person as a partner. Why? Because we want to make sure we select the best partner we can! It just makes sense.

But here is where couples run into problems: they start to form a "story" in their head about their partner. Or, worse yet, you've been dating -- perhaps even married for a while -- and you hear a story about your partner. The story isn't good. Do you believe it? If you do, you might be headed towards the cliff of relationship failure.

What is the second mistake couples make that can cause such damage in relationships?

The #2 Biggest Relationship Mistake Couples Make:

Believing a STORY that may not be true.

If only we could just know the truth, without games, our relationship life would be so much easier, wouldn't it? Well, at least now we can learn a way to help us avoid making this crazy relationship mistake that sparks many conflicts in relationships. Story-telling (and believing) can cause imagined affairs and worse.

One of my own ex-girlfriends could have used the Magic Relationship system to help her stop believing strange stories.

How about you? Are you guilty of telling, repeating, or believing in a story that downgrades your partner? Perhaps she looked at you weird. So, now you think she's a b*tch. Or, perhaps he allowed you to pay a bill. That means he is tight with money, right? Well, maybe not! There could be more going on under the surface, and you haven't validated your story.

Here's my question for you:

Do you make observations, then run to conclusions (create a story), then believe in that story rather than deeper meaning?

If you make an observation, you might want to clarify what is going on. It is only fair to your partner.

When people make observations, create stories, then act from the believe created from the story, they're running the risk of creating relationship dynamics that may lead contrary to your love staying together and thriving. In other words, it is poor communication.

My ex-girlfriend thought she was psychic. She'd have a dream that I slept with someone else, then rush over to my house to catch the evidence and bust me. The funny thing was that I never did that! I didn't sleep with anyone else when we were in our committed relationship. So, how was that fair to me? Right, it wasn't fair at all!

When you act from erroneous beliefs you act in a way that is not mature, but rather immature.

Want a different approach?

I'd like to recommend a powerful relationship coaching system that utilizes a 4-step cure to problems like "The Biggest Mistake We Make In Relationships = Telling A Story" developed over the past few years by my affiliate partners, Paul Sterling and Kristin Denton. The Magic Relationship System Paul and Kristin developed is outstanding and I recommend it. Their system is based on Marshall Rosenberg's "Non-violent Communication" along with other systems Paul and Kristin discovered mitigate relationship conflict and bring two lovers closer together.

Dig through their site, learn more, and sign-up for their system all through this link:

Get the Magic Relationship System

Enjoy! Best of success to you in building true love!

Comment below to discuss your own challenges in creating stories and believing in erroneous stories.
_______________________________________________________

Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. The A-Blog offers more articles like this.