Monday, April 21, 2008

How To Know When It's Over

I had someone ask me today "How do we know when it is not over?" regarding their relationship.

How do you know when it is over and how do you know when it is NOT over?

There are many answers you can find on this subject, ranging from:

1. You know it is over when they've charged up all your bank accounts.
2. You know it is over when they say a hostile word or phrase you can't stand to you.
3. It is over when they abuse or do something to hurt you.
4. It ends when they cheat on you.
5. It is over when they say they no longer love you.
6. It is over when they say mean things to you.
7. It ends when they break up with you.
8. It is over when you're asking this question.
9. It is over when your friends are telling you to get out.
10. It is over when they tell you that you're not the one for them.

Well, there are many, many things that people say to each other, do to each other, and act out at each other when they are upset. I wish it wasn't so, but this is a part of life and people.

The truth of the matter is that when one person breaks up with another, there is more than likely just one of two things happening:

#1: The dumper broke up because they do not feel that their needs are getting met, things are being done or happening that they feel are disrespectful, and/or they feel invalidated for some reason or other. If this partner acknowledges that they still "love you" even though they broke up with you, they were likely creating a breakup or allowing an event to cause a breakup in order to create a crisis to get attention on problems that need to be resolved in order to live happier together. They are upset enough to risk the relationship in order to meet these needs, get the respect and validation they feel they deserve, and take the chance at a higher life by risking their present lower satisfaction life they are experiencing with their unmet needs.

In this instance, the dumpee can likely save the relationship by taking action to acknowledge their partner's concerns, validate their position, and take actions to improve the situation. This is typically recommended when YOU STILL LOVE THEM, too. If this is your situation, my recommendation is to suck up your pride, quit drawing lines in the sand, and get BACK into communication with your partner as soon as you are able to do so.

Now, on the other hand, if you don't still love them, and can face the picture of a life without them in it, then let them go. It is better to do that than create more pain by developing more resentment by staying in a non-working relationship.

#2: The dumper broke it off because they've been in such a difficult position for so long that they've lost all feeling, concern, and care for the dumpee. If this is the situation you are in, you have a tough road ahead of you if you still love the dumper. In this instance, it is more than likely that you are done, and will have a difficult time saving your relationship, no matter what you do.

If this is your situation, I recommend you go on with your life and dig back into your life purpose. If you're suffering from depression for more than a few days, seek professional help. Whatever you do, don't go crazy and take your life or hurt anyone because of your loss. Remember, life DOES go on, no matter what you do.

Whether you are dealing with #1 or #2, remember that all dating partners, love relationships, and marriages are ultimately a choice. Even if someone has broken up with you for reason #1 doesn't necessarily mean you CAN or SHOULD work it out. It just means that you probably will be able to get back together and you are likely not finished because you still love each other.

Is the situation worth saving to you?
Truly, only you can answer that question.

How do you really know when it is over? My feeling is that if people are still both in love with each other, they are doing each other a disservice to break up when they have unresolved issues.

Other related articles:
What Women Want
11 Steps To Stop Fighting And Make Up
How and When To Reconcile

Learn the Top Signs Your Ex Wants You Back - Click Here!

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