Monday, April 28, 2008

Problem Reconciliating? REJECTED! Now What?

Have you been rejected after offering your partner an opportunity to reconcile? Is there hope or is your life ruined? What can you do now?

This article will help answer this question:

How can we handle rejection when we were hoping to fall back in love?

If you have been trying to reconcile with your partner, and you were rejected, there is the possibility of several things that happened. Before analyzing these, first you must ask yourself:

"Is my partner still saying 'I do love you' in their goodbye letters?" If the answer is yes, you can bet on it that you've created one of the following problems that pushed them away. Read the symptom, discover the problem, and then learn and implement the recommended action after each one.

1. Symptom: They mention anything about feeling hounded, pestered too much, pressured, or repressed. They might say things like "I'm still processing" or "can you give me time to respond without writing or saying anything else?" or "I thought you were putting the ball in my court" and other stuff like that.

Problem: You flooded your partner with too much information, and they couldn't deal with any more attempts to gain understanding from you at this time. They therefore denied your request to reconcile because they are on overload.

Solution to #1: Stop flooding. Withdraw. Don't be mean about it, just withdraw and say "I'm going to go on with things. If you ever change your mind and want to talk, I'll listen."

2. Symptom: Your partner has chosen to re-frame the relationship in a negative light, saying things like "We don't match," "You don't fit my value system," or "We always knew we were not the perfect one for each other," and things like that.

Problem: You said so many hurtful things, that your partner can only hear those things. In other words, you drained your love bank so much that your partner has chosen to re-frame the relationship in a negative light in order to go on with their lives. It is easier to walk from someone who isn't the one than the "soul-mate" relationship, isn't it?

Solution: Recognize when you've said negative things, but recognize also that you cannot prove they are not those things easily at this time. If they agree to see you in the future, don't pile on and insist on revisiting all the graveyard discussion of what wasn't working but instead build new positive and loving experiences. If they won't meet, you may not get the chance to repair this problem; however, in time, wounds heal. Withdraw with as loving a statement as you can, and let time help heal the wound. Another tactic is to agree with them (but just to one extent): "You were right, it would be difficult to work things out considering how we've hurt each other." This will at least validate their concern that they were hurt by you and maybe open the door in the future to a discussion to occur.

I once made the mistake of agreeing that we weren't right for each other when in truth I felt we WERE right for each other. You might not want to agree to that extent, as it gives TOO MUCH agreement to the thought that values didn't match. So, just agree that they were right, and let them know you wish them well.

3. Symptom: Your partner says "I've found someone new."

Problem: Your partner has met someone else. If your partner is the type who has jumped from one relationship to another quickly in the past, this is highly possible. However, if they tend to move slowly in and out of relationships, then this is less likely. Warning: don't assume this when you don't know - it will just upset them further if the reason is #1 or #2 above.

Solution: If they truly met someone else, consider that this new person is showing their best side to your partner, while you've been showing your worst. The odds of reconciling until the opposite occurs is highly unlikely. The only way to save a relationship where one partner is cheating is to simply show your best side, all the time. You must rise above the jealous, hurt feelings, and expectations that caused your partner to cheat in the first place. Otherwise, consider that they've already left the relationship, and consider moving on without them.

The other choice is to tell them firmly "you must leave" and then cease all communication with them. That approach often has been known to get the cheater to recognize they lost someone worth building more of a life with and they will fight to get you back. The first sign of that fight is when they dump the new person. This only works when you were being good to them and you also continue to be good in how you live your best life after you've kicked them out. So, be careful which path you choose.

4. Symptom: If they say things like "You're too much of a slob for me." Or "We always did what you wanted to do, never what I wanted to do," "I don't like the way you smell," and things like that.

Problem: Your partner is disgusted by you. They've either grown sick of you or your partner truly has had enough of trying to get along with you, and despite your best intentions you may *not* be perfectly matched. On the other hand, they might just be resentful about a few things. There is only one way to find out...

Solution: If your partner is sick of you, has decided you're a jerk, or otherwise has found despicable things about you to hate or resent, you're probably not going to resolve these from continuing that behavior.

The wisest move for you would be to clean up your act! Get your place together. Get back in shape. Do a new hobby, maybe even one they wanted to do together with you (if you truly want to do it). Get some energy work done and focus on being the person you want to attract. That way, if they bump into you in the future, they'll see that you're looking your best, creating a life of success, and with the clean space to allow them back into your heart. They say the best revenge is living well. Better than that, when someone won't reconcile because they're sick of you, the best thing to do is to pull back and then be your BEST self. At least you'll rebuild your self-confidence in the process.

5. Symptom: Your partner says "You were the one who wanted to break up!"

Problem: Your partner was listening to things you said or wrote to them. Perhaps you asked for the distance or asked for the separation yourself, and all they did was honor your request. Don't blame them and tell them they don't love you or crud like that when you may have fueled the very fire you're trying to put out!

Solution: You can't blame them for listening to you and honoring your request. All that you can say is "I was wrong. I change my mind. Your love means the world to me. If you would honor it, I'd appreciate a discussion to determine how we both can get our needs met and the opportunity to prove we can do it."

6. Symptom: Your partner says, "I might consider it, but this is just not a good time" or "I simply cannot meet with you now."

Problem: Your partner wants to reconcile, but not at this time. They need to go process some other things and it will take time for the two of you to even consider getting back together. This situation happens especially when many of the above problems I've described are happening SIMULTANEOUSLY.

Solution: If your partner has considered your request and deferred response, you're best to withdraw, tell them the ball is in their court, and MEAN IT. You cannot contact them again if you say you won't. Don't go by their place, don't call, and move on with your life. Time heals wounds, and distance makes the heart grow fonder. Don't wait by the phone, either. Just go on with your life. Alternatively, you could be like the guy in the song Austin (or P.S. - If This Is Austin) I've related to that song, myself!

7. Symptom: They say something like "I want to go on with my life. I've chosen to do so apart."

Problem: This doesn't sound like a symptom. It sounds like they really want to break up with you. However, it could be a veiled situation, or if they're experiencing the same confusion you were, perhaps they hardened their heart towards you because they were hurt and confused.

Solution: If you've made someone sure that they want to move on without you, my advice is to follow the four step process I'm going to outline below. Let go. Stop bothering them. Let them know you still care and would listen in the future should they want to talk. And, then focus on living your best self!

In case you haven't figured it out yet, the solution for all of this is pretty simple:

The Four-Step Recover Plan From Rejection:

1. Let go. Yep, let go and move on with your life... the old saying "If you love someone, set them free" is the wisest advice in this situation. Need help letting go? Try The Serenity Prayer.

2. Stop doing what you did that didn't work in getting back together. Anything you said or did that repulsed your partner, stop doing that, and do the opposite.

3. Anything you did that did work, do a little more of that (but not if you've flooded your partner).

4. Be your best self. Get yourself back in shape. Start or throw yourself into that new hobby. Clean up your house, your car, and your clothes. Upgrade your life, in all areas. Be true to yourself and be more loving, more fun, more successful.

Notice, in none of this did I suggest that you sit around moping, whining to your friends, continuing to badger or hound your partner, telling them they were wrong or insisting you were right, or anything else that didn't work in reconciling. To do that is to be a loser and operate from your lower self. Don't do that! Instead, I'm suggesting that you let it go, stop expecting everything to go your way, and be your best self.

You will find that by utilizing these solutions and following this four-step system that you will create the life you want. In doing so, you WILL become more attractive to your partner again IN THE FUTURE. That will increase the odds of you two getting back together. For now, don't worry about whether or not they want to reconcile. It really doesn't matter. They've made their choice and I guarantee you they hurt, too. Let them go live their life. And, then go live yours. Live your life as if you WON'T ever reconcile, and you might be surprised: some day, you just might get a phone call.

At the same time, you may have noticed that by following this 4-step system (Let go, stop doing what didn't work, do more of what did work, and be your best self). If you follow this system, over time, your broken and wounded heart WILL heal. Not only that, but you'll feel better about yourself for making and following a plan to get your life back on track. And last but certainly not least, by being your best self, healing naturally, and ceasing to obsess about your lost love, you will become more attractive to someone NEW. You just never know who might pop into your life and it just might be an upgraded situation!

As we clear the clutter from the past, reinvent who we are, and build an exciting new ME, we create a pathway for new love to enter our lives.

Either way, the formula is the same. Commit to it, stay with it, and be true to your highest self. You'll be the empowered person you want to be in doing so.

Learn more about Reconciliation from AspireNow:
Let Go Of Guilt and Resentment
How To Know When Its Over
What Women Want
11 Steps To Stop Fighting And Make Up
How and When To Reconcile

Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog. If you are experiencing a serious relationship problem, we recommend you seek a qualified relationship therapist. This information is guided by the terms and conditions posted at Austin Lyrics by Blake Shelton are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, Austin Lyrics by Blake Shelton are provided for educational purposes only , If you like the song, please buy relative CD.

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