When Love Doesn't Fade Away

Have you loved someone, moved on, but noticed later that this person seems to still be present in your thoughts? I have. Love memory sometimes creates an interesting phenomenon that results in a reappearance or memory getting triggered from time spent, familiar activities, certain sayings, shared experiences (music, events, conversations, destinations), and more.

Lately, I've even found that a certain woman who I loved dearly keeps popping into my dreams. This is happening AFTER I thought I had done all the processing of the break-up, cutting cords, and moved on. Do I have an easy explanation for it? Actually, no, I don't. All I can say is that a part of me still feels very strong love towards her. I may always love her.

Can you relate?

If this is your situation, you really are faced with several questions, where you might ask "Does this mean..."

1. ... you have unfinished business?
2. ... you simply had a profound experience; learn and live from it?
3. ... you are still in love and belong together?

If the answer is #1, you may not be able to complete your "unfinished business" at this time. For example, if either of you have moved into a new relationship, whether dating or married, it may preclude any discussion or experience to find out why the love, feelings, thoughts, or other concerns haven't faded away. Even if neither of you are in relationship, there must be a door to communication. One party may have an interest, but if the other party shut the door you really ought not seek to reconnect until THEY reach out to you. That's my take at my current situation. If the dreams really mean something, the Universe/Spirit/God/Nature all have a way of directing us to "bump" back into each other in a random way at the right time. Trust that time and nature to direct you towards what is best for you and don't force it.

If they DO reach out to you, don't be rude and push them away. Hear them out and see what they have to say.

If your situation is #2, well, this is life. Sometimes, people may still affect us but if they were impossible to live with - or even date - then it is for the best to learn from this experience and grow from it. Incorporate the positives into your new life and make sure to avoid previous mistakes either in communication or ways you expressed your love. As long as we grow, we're living life and becoming our best self every day.

If your situation is more #3, then I have one simple question: "Have you BOTH expressed a desire, willingness, and interest in redeveloping a loving relationship together?" If the answer to this question is a resounding "Yes!" then go for it! Give love a chance... more than one couple split up only to find out years later that they really did love each other the most. I wish you both the best in learning new ways to resolve differences so that you stay together in your effort to grow your love together.

When love doesn't fade away, don't fret. Life is full of experiences. Sometimes the experiences will stay with us through our memories our entire life. There's nothing wrong with remembering someone we loved dearly. Enjoy the memory, and cherish the love you once shared together.

I feel strongly that love is an action word. If we feel love, we often need to reach out and act. If you pulled away because you were hurt, perhaps enough time and healing has transpired to reach out to the person you used to love. You just might be surprised what love awaits you in your future.
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The #1 Biggest Relationship Mistake

This mistake can turn good relationships into ugly relationships in rather short order. Not only that, but commit this relationship mistake often, and you're on a path to separation, for sure.

What is the mistake couples make that can cause such destruction?

The #1 Biggest Relationship Mistake Couples Make:
Building a case against each other.

It happens, from time to time, in relationships, that someone was wronged. Unfortunately, when they are wronged, they get a perspective that they need to simply state their case clearly enough, and their partner ought to "hear" them, validate their concern, admit they were wrong, and life can go on as it was: honky dory, right?

I wish I'd known about the Magic Relationship system for building true love before I made that mistake, for sure!

How about you? Are you guilty of building a case against each other?

Here's my question for you:

Are you trying to build a case against your partner, or trying to build common ground together and connect with them?

If you're building a case, you're more than likely just pushing them further and further away from you. If you build a case, you damage your partner's self-esteem. And, when the self-esteem is hurt, that causes the kind of pain that sends people running away from each other!

When someone builds a case against you, what is your natural tendency behavior mechanism in response? RIGHT: to get defensive and try to find things wrong with THEM! How does that solve anything? All this results in is pushing each other away from each other.

Typically, when you start building facts to make a case against your partner, you don't resolve a damned thing.

Not only that, but if each time you try to reconnect, you bring up something even remotely related to anything that previously sounded like "the case" against your partner, and you'll just send them in fear/flight mode further away from you. If you communicate directly with them, you're likely to receive a cooler reception than you hope for - maybe even outright hostility.

Why is that?

Have you ever seen a frightened animal when it is cornered? The animal will typically FIGHT first, then if (or more likely when) the animal determines it CAN'T WIN or will get HURT WORSE then animal FLEES.

We hope that by building a case we will get heard and our partner will admit they are wrong, realize how much they love us and are so lucky to have someone who will still love them even though they messed up so bad, and they'll come running back into our arms to kiss and make up.

Well, this isn't typically what happens. In one of my own relationships, I found that by making a case, I pushed her away. Further, when I tried to reconcile, she rejected me. Last, when I kept trying to get "heard" she finally cut off all communication. How is that productive? I blew it. It caused both me AND her a lot of pain and frustration. Sure, she contributed, but when I OWN MY PART in the problem, I can say I truly blew it. Can you relate?

As someone with a goal to become a "masterful" communicator, I strove to learn from my failure. The main thing is to realize when we make communication mistakes, and then not make them in the future. In other words: learn from mistakes, and correct them in future situations.

To the woman I hurt: if you read this, I'm sorry. I loved you. I blew it. I hope you realize some day I was just trying to get heard. You deserved better communication from me. I hope you are happy and I truly send you nothing but gratitude and love for the good times and good things we DID share together. Thank you!

Maybe in the future, I will reconnect with this person, and will rediscover a long-lost friend. Time has a way of healing hurt feelings. In the meantime, I'll learn from my mistakes. How about you?

Next time you feel yourself building up facts and building a case against your partner, STOP. Take a breath, and ask yourself three questions:

What is THEIR role in this that they may not have intended?
What can I do to see this from their perspective and put my perspective at rest?
What can I do to reconnect and build a bridge back to love?

When we're looking for ways to CONNECT with others, we usually seek out COMMON GROUND. We need to find ways to relate, share the same words, and get our eyes focused the same way on the problem. If we can do that, we CAN find a way through to the resolution of the problem.

If you find yourself NODDING through this article or relating and thirsting for more wisdom like this, I'd like to recommend a powerful relationship coaching system that utilizes a 4-step cure to problems like "The Biggest Mistake We Make In Relationships = Building A Case" developed over the past few years by my affiliate partners, Paul Sterling and Kristin Denton. The Magic Relationship System Paul and Kristin developed is one of the best I've seen. Their system is based on Marshall Rosenberg's "Non-violent Communication" along with other systems Paul and Kristin discovered mitigate relationship conflict and bring two lovers closer together.

You can poke around, learn more, and sign-up for their system all through this link:

Get the Magic Relationship System

Enjoy! Best of success to you in building true love!

Comment below to discuss your own challenges in building a case.

How to Get Your Ex Back - Click Here!
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Breaking Up And Moving On

So, you went through a break-up? If you're anything like me, you take breakups hard, full-on, and experience the full gamut of emotions ranging from anger, resentment, disconnecting, relief, happiness, sadness, depression, loneliness, then back through the whole thing again. How can you end this cycle sooner?

Well, first of all, it might be HEALTHY to go through all of that. Just try to go easy on yourself - and your ex - through this time. I'm going to give you several practical tips to help you move on and get past the grieving faster and with the minimal amount of pain. Follow this plan, and you'll likely be able to live and love again in a very healthy and happy way.

First, let's focus on what NOT to do:

1. Don't keep contacting him/her.
2. Don't drown your sorrows.
3. Don't make drastic changes or hurt yourself.
4. Don't keep talking about him/her with friends and family.
5. Don't stew in it and sit in a pool of tears with email, letters, and photos.
6. Don't go out and have sex with new people to deal with rejection or loss of love.

1. Don't keep contacting him/her. Don't send her text messages. Don't drop by his work to see if he's there. Don't send email. Don't call or phone. Don't show up unexpectedly at events they commonly attend. Look, whether you were the dumper or the dumpee it really doesn't matter. In one case, you're undecided, which is weak. In the other, you're desperate, which is also weak. So, don't do it. Don't talk to their friends about him/her, either. They'll be on their side and you'll just build up more resentment. So don't waste time with their friends, either. Don't waste your time dawdling around trying to contact them in ANY way, shape, or form. You won't be healing anything and you'll just end up putting your heart through more grief. If you were the dumper, you're being cruel to them. If you were the dumpee, you're setting yourself up for them to be cruel to you. Either way, this behavior doesn't sound like "higher self" behavior to me. So, if you've been doing this: STOP NOW!

2. Don't drown your sorrows in a bottle (or a pill or any other drug). Getting drunk will help you feel better for about 3 - 6 hours. Then, you'll have to face your grief with the added challenge of feeling yucky on top of it. So, deal with your pain other, more healthy ways (more on this in a bit).

3. Don't cut off all your hair, make drastic changes, or otherwise let yourself go. Women have a bad habit of getting a hair cut to symbolize getting rid of their ex. Later, when they look in the mirror, all they can do is cry that they hurt their beautiful long hair over feelings that could have been dealt with otherwise. Don't hurt yourself in any way, shape, or form. Yes, I know, the pain of lost love hurts so very bad and we think we'll never get over it. It seems that way for a month or so, but in time, we WILL move on. Instead of doing anything to hurt anyone, find another outlet: rearrange furniture, clean the house, buy a new pair of jeans or something, write a book, go jogging, but don't whack-off your hair and dye it red because you're pissed at your ex. Also, be careful of the bon-bons, sweets, chocolate, and other goodies that will tempt you at this time. Again, find another physical outlet to release your stress and concern.

4. Don't keep talking about him/her with your family and with your friends. They can usually hear about it once or twice, but beyond that, you need to move on and get on with your life. If they bring him/her up to you, say "we had our moments" and then change the subject. Don't go back down that alley. Your future is IN FRONT of you, not in the rear-view mirror.

5. Don't stew in it and sit in a pool of letters, emails, and photographs. If you're struggling to move on, reading all the loving things they wrote to you won't help you get past it. It will keep you mired in it. I'm not going to advocate that you destroy all of their photos and letters. Just box them up and put them some place (careful with Feng Shui) where they serve to TEACH us rather than LOVE us. If you care about Feng Shui, that would mean putting these items in the wisdom/teachers corner of the room/house, not in the love/relationship corner of the house.

6. Don't go out and have sex with new people just to heal your feelings of rejection or loss of love. I recently watched a re-run movie about a woman recovering from divorce during the 1970's and her therapist told her "You don't need to see me anymore, go explore MEN again." Well, the woman did, but in doing so, her first choice was this pig who used her for sex and then treated her poorly later. She cried. He was the wrong choice for her. The next man was a better choice. So, perhaps, you might want to pass over the first opportunity to jump back in bed and instead be very SELECTIVE over who you share your body with. Yes, I know, you have needs and you also may be feeling extra horny because of rejection or loss of love.

But, that's the time people make mistakes, get diseases, get pregnant, or get into another cyclical dysfunctional relationship, and/or other things that they later might live to regret. So, be selective in who you go out with when you go out again. I could take this a step further and say "don't sign up on a dating site" as that would be called "rebounding" but then again, if that's what you want to do, it's what you're gonna do. Just don't use other people, okay? Not for sex, not for "free" meals, and not for companionship when you're lonely.

Now that we've dealt with what NOT to do, let's focus on what positive actions you can take that will help you move on with your life and be open to living and loving as a fully empowered human being again.

What to do now:

1. Release resentment.
2. Be grateful and loving in your release.
3. Do take on new interests related to YOUR core values and what you most want from life.
4. Do spend time healing, nurturing, and feeding yourself.
5. Do make new friends, enjoy your work, enjoy your spiritual disciplines, and enjoy each day.
6. Do go out on new dates (when you are ready and over the grieving period).

1. Release resentment. I know this sounds crazy, but you might be in the mood to hate your ex or say mean things to them or about them. This is not beneficial. Once I've made the decision to move on and give up the idea of reconciling, if I feel the need to talk to her or reach out to her, what I do is write an email to myself. This is where all the resentment, anger, things you don't like, and stuff like that ought to get written down. I put "to xxxx" in the subject line, but when I hit "send" the email only goes to me. Whatever you do, do not violate this rule! Only send it to yourself - nobody else. Now, once you've gotten out the need to talk and say whatever you want to say (and I do say whatever I want to say in those emails!), you're now in a position to wipe the slate clean and show gratitude and other positive things. But DO have the list of resentment, things you didn't like, and what you didn't want from that person. I then save it in a folder with their name so I can go back and read it if I get a moment of weakness.

2. Be grateful and loving in your release. In your heart, be grateful for who this person was for you, what they did for you, in a good way. They were good in many ways. Be grateful. Then, send out the "I thank you for your love, I release you, I love you, so long..." That's healthy, it is hard to do, because when you send the love, you re-energize that love and create a desire to rekindle. But don't rekindle it, just let it go, with gratitude.

3. Do take on new interests related to YOUR core values and what you most want from life. Go back to each of your core values in each area, like family, social, love, relationships, friendships, career, health, spiritual, etc., and make a list of the top 3 - 5 things or ways of being in each of these that you most want. Then realign your life to match that list. That way, you can attract what you seek.

4. Do spend time healing, nurturing, and feeding yourself. Do spend time exercising and being physically active. It is good to ride a bike, go for a walk, swim, and otherwise get and keep yourself in shape. It is possible that you've gotten away from this before the breakup. This time is a perfect time to throw yourself back into a program. Work up to it little by little, more and more each day. That way, you're bettering yourself. Get a spiritual healing. You can cut the cords through a forgiveness exercise (see Belinda Farrell at http://www.hunahealing.com/ to cut the cords of the past if you feel you're stuck anywhere) or you can also go seek out therapy if you're having an especially hard time letting go (if you're going beyond a month or two of grief, seeing a therapist might be a good idea). Also, read a new book.

Investigate travelling to a place you've always wanted to go. Cook tasty meals for yourself, just as you would have before, or maybe even trying out new recipes. I find that breakups are especially good times to learn new dishes to prepare for both myself and for others. It's a great time to become a better cook! So, take time for you, make sure you get your sleep, and know that by keeping active and busy you'll be back on the path to healthy living in short order.

5. Do make new friends, enjoy your work, enjoy your spiritual disciplines, and enjoy each day.

This really is about enjoying life, you know? What if we only get one pass at it? Make sure you enjoy it while you're here! Start finding ways to focus on this as the day we rejoice and be glad in living.

Life can be enjoyable after loss of love. It is up to us whether or not we choose destructive behavior and thought processes or embrace a clean, healthy, and loving start at life again both on our own and with new friends. We can be more successful, create and build new love, and be the person we want to be most when we mend our broken heart and then get back to who we are at our best.

5. Do go out on new dates (when you are ready). Once you feel you are past crying about them and feeling deeply depressed, it is probably time for you to get out and about and start dating new people. However, when you date new people, I'm going to ask you to be selective in who you date. I Make a new list of what you want. And go for people who match that list. In addition, I'm also going to suggest group activities, or group dates. Rather than go off on a dating service, or dating people one-on-one, it might be healthier for a time to do things in groups. That way, you're in a more protected environment and not as vulnerable to make mistakes I talked about above. If you're someone who prefers going one-on-one, then just go slow. You'll be glad you did later.

For additional information on this subject, see:
Healing a Broken Heart
Let Go Of Guilt and Resentment
The Serenity Prayer
How To Know When Its Over
Considering Getting Back Together?
Problem Reconciliating Rejected Now What?

Sponsored program: How To Get Your Ex Back: Click Here!
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.
If you are experiencing a serious relationship problem, we recommend you seek a qualified relationship therapist. This information is guided by the terms and conditions posted at http://www.aspirenow.com.

Getting Back Together?

Can this relationship be saved? If you're considering getting back together you're probably either asking, "Why?" or "Why not?"

I'm sure if you're asking this question, that you've recently undergone relationship stress, perhaps a serious strain on your relationship or even a break-up. if you've been in a relationship of longer than six months, this can be quite painful.

Hearing them out...

If your partner has been approaching you to discuss reconciliation, you might consider hearing them. Why? Because in my experience, when we go through a break-up, sometimes we process at different speeds from each other. For example, I experience everything very hard, full, and up-front quickly. Then, I rinse and repeat many times before I process everything. I've noticed that my past-partners often processed slower than I do. This has been a problem for me when I've broken up with a partner in the past, because I'll be there wanting to reconcile, and my partner is still in the "anger" phase or "re-framing" stage and hasn't experienced the other emotions that would even make them open to hearing an appeal for reconciliation.

Is is possible you've re-framed the relationship incorrectly?

Further, when we go through a break-up, we often tend to "re-frame" the relationship to see the NEGATIVE; in other words, we choose to see the relationship in an uglier perspective than we did when we were "in love" with each other. Is this new negative frame the reality of what your partner represented to you? Hmm. It's hard to say. I'd have to ask if you ever TALKED about and discussed truly your desires about any of your core values that you felt were not heard or honored? Did you ever discuss practical ways to make small adjustments in how you treated each other to address those concerns? If not, you might be moving on prematurely. I mean, seriously, if you didn't DISCUSS, in detail, spelling out exactly what you wanted and how you needed to be treated and communicated with, you just might be selling the relationship short.

How can you know that there isn't a deeper level of love awaiting your relationship under the surface of dirt you've thrown on it, just waiting for you to scratch it off and dig deeper?

Want to know an acid-test to know if the relationship is worth giving further attention to? I've got a few techniques that are GOLDEN to help you evaluate.


1. Gather up the ways you feel hurt or didn't get your needs met.

First, take stock of where you are at. How do you feel your partner hurt you and invalidated you? What core values did your partner fail to match? How did you feel your partner was inconsiderate or rude?


Write these things down.


2. Gather up the ways your partner felt hurt or didn't get their needs met.

Now, how was your partner expressing concern about their own issues? Were there things happening on your end they were asking for, and not getting? Were they making demands, and expecting you to do things you felt unable to do? How were you rude to them?

Write these things down.


3. Now, make a decision to put both of those arguments of hurt and upset feelings aside for the present. Take a 10 minute break, then come back to this article.

Now, I want you to wipe the slate clean. Take all of YOUR wants and needs and THEIR wants and needs and put them to the side. That's right, I'm suggesting you IGNORE all of these things for the present (I know this seems strange, but trust in this process, it has legitimate value).


4. Set aside selfish concerns. Now, look at the relationship only from a couple standpoint.

Next, ask a NEW set of questions regarding the CORE of YOU as a COUPLE:


True Love Questions:

1. Did you love each other at any point? Yes / No

2. Do you still feel *some* strong pull or sense of love, now? Yes / No

3. Do you still think about them a lot and get sentimental over memories together? Yes / No

If these questions produce "yes" answers, you still love this partner, and your relationship could likely be discussed, evaluated further, and possibly saved. Not only that, but couples who save and go deeper in a relationship where these three questions are still "yes" often experience deeper and more satisfying love after a reconciliation.

Loss of Love Questions:

1. If your partner were in a serious accident, and got killed, would you be upset that you hadn't made more of an effort to try to talk to them about things, first? Yes / No

2. If your partner were to get married to someone new, and it happened before you could realize they were even dating someone else, would you be upset and feel like you lost a chance at love? Yes / No

3. If your partner were to be removed from your children's life, do you believe they'd suffer from loss of life experience that your partner represented to them? Yes / No

If you answered "Yes" to the majority of these and had a hard time saying "no" to any of these, it is highly likely that you have "unresolved issues" with this partner. You may have moved on without fully exploring the depth of the relationship and might be losing out on a deeper level of love than you've experienced before.

Now, if you came up mostly "no" to these two sets of questions, I'm going to recommend to you that you politely dismiss your partner's request for reconciliation and move on without them. If that is your situation, you won't be missing much because you're already no longer in love with that partner.

Believe me, if you do not have true love or a core sense of loss from not having this partner in your life, then you will be happier without them in your life. To stay in a relationship with the majority of these core "couple" questions producing "no" answers would be to repress your higher self and who you really are. Now, on the contrary, if you DO have true love and you WOULD experience a core sense of loss from moving on, then DON'T MOVE ON YET. You've got too much at stake to just blow out of there. Commitments, when honored, usually reward the giver.

You might be thinking at this point, "But Scott, what about all those WANTS & NEEDS I listed before? Don't THEY matter?"

My answer to that is, yes, those matter, but those are the things you resolve through reconciliation. Those are not the reasons to NOT consider a reconciliation. Almost EVERY relationship issue that seems like a mismatch on a core value can become a core value match with tweaking, love, and adjusting of both perspective and action. In a recent study I read on relationships that are more happy versus those who are not, the relationships that make it through reconciliation find that by simply making "small" adjustments towards their partner, rather than pushing the concern under the rug or ranting about things, tends to produce happy, fulfilling relationships. It isn't those with more similarities who make it - it is those with differences who embrace and appreciate their differences, and who take the time and make the effort to create small changes in behavior to affect massive change in the feelings and dynamic of the two of you being together.

That's right: The secret in reconciliation is summed up in this one sentence:

SMALL ACTIONS from EACH OF YOU TOWARD EACH OTHER create LARGE CHANGES IN FEELINGS OF HAPPINESS TOGETHER.

You might also be thinking, "But what about the ways they hurt my feelings?"

Well, people can be pretty stupid when they get their feelings hurt. Why don't you take the higher road and decide to forgive, accept, remove the guilt, and focus on POSITIVE STEPS to take POSITIVE ACTIONS towards new, fun, exciting, and dynamic ways to interact together?

You'll get more out of your relationship by seeking ways to establish love and take baby steps towards your concerns by simply addressing them a little at a time.

Last, these questions all pretty much need to be "yes" answers to consider pursuing a reconciliation or even put any more energy into the situation:

1. Have they expressed a willingness to work on, or at least hear your concerns? Yes / No

2. If you feel out of whack with your core values, are you willing to examine ways to act slightly different, yet still within your own core values, that would enable you to empower your partner's concerns? Yes / No

3. Are you willing to forgive them for hurting you? Yes / No

Well, if there's a will, there's a way.

This last one is a little bit more tricky: If you've got any of the following issues going on: addiction, abuse, adultery, then can you and are you willing to discuss as a couple how to get therapy for the concern? Yes / No

If you can say Yes to most of these questions, then you're ready to sit down and listen to what your partner has to say. When you set a meeting for reconciliation, I first suggest you simply focus on positive things that COULD be done to make the relationship better. Then, I suggest you go do something fun together. Try that for each of your first three meetings, and see how it goes.

One last thing: if you've been feeling like perhaps you've been in the relationship to save or rescue the other person, you might want to take a look at WHY you felt that way? Was it a legitimate need in both of you? Was there something you needed to process?

Before deciding to process differently with someone else, and blowing off all the history, chemistry, and what you have already experienced together with this partner, why not try re-framing the existing relationship in a new positive light, approaching it from a healthy perspective, and then manifesting what you really most want, together. Get rid of the addictive behaviors, abusive comments, actions, or cheating behaviors if at all possible, or your relationship will be derailed again in the future.

Remember:

SMALL ACTIONS from EACH OF YOU TOWARD EACH OTHER create LARGE CHANGES IN FEELINGS OF HAPPINESS TOGETHER.

Let me know how it goes!

The Magic of Making Up: Want to get your ex back? Click Here!
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If you're in a serious relationship and have a deep concern, I suggest you seek professional assistance with your situation. Standard terms and conditions of AspireNow apply to this article. Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Problem Reconciliating? REJECTED! Now What?

Have you been rejected after offering your partner an opportunity to reconcile? Is there hope or is your life ruined? What can you do now?

This article will help answer this question:

How can we handle rejection when we were hoping to fall back in love?

If you have been trying to reconcile with your partner, and you were rejected, there is the possibility of several things that happened. Before analyzing these, first you must ask yourself:

"Is my partner still saying 'I do love you' in their goodbye letters?" If the answer is yes, you can bet on it that you've created one of the following problems that pushed them away. Read the symptom, discover the problem, and then learn and implement the recommended action after each one.

1. Symptom: They mention anything about feeling hounded, pestered too much, pressured, or repressed. They might say things like "I'm still processing" or "can you give me time to respond without writing or saying anything else?" or "I thought you were putting the ball in my court" and other stuff like that.

Problem: You flooded your partner with too much information, and they couldn't deal with any more attempts to gain understanding from you at this time. They therefore denied your request to reconcile because they are on overload.

Solution to #1: Stop flooding. Withdraw. Don't be mean about it, just withdraw and say "I'm going to go on with things. If you ever change your mind and want to talk, I'll listen."

2. Symptom: Your partner has chosen to re-frame the relationship in a negative light, saying things like "We don't match," "You don't fit my value system," or "We always knew we were not the perfect one for each other," and things like that.

Problem: You said so many hurtful things, that your partner can only hear those things. In other words, you drained your love bank so much that your partner has chosen to re-frame the relationship in a negative light in order to go on with their lives. It is easier to walk from someone who isn't the one than the "soul-mate" relationship, isn't it?

Solution: Recognize when you've said negative things, but recognize also that you cannot prove they are not those things easily at this time. If they agree to see you in the future, don't pile on and insist on revisiting all the graveyard discussion of what wasn't working but instead build new positive and loving experiences. If they won't meet, you may not get the chance to repair this problem; however, in time, wounds heal. Withdraw with as loving a statement as you can, and let time help heal the wound. Another tactic is to agree with them (but just to one extent): "You were right, it would be difficult to work things out considering how we've hurt each other." This will at least validate their concern that they were hurt by you and maybe open the door in the future to a discussion to occur.

I once made the mistake of agreeing that we weren't right for each other when in truth I felt we WERE right for each other. You might not want to agree to that extent, as it gives TOO MUCH agreement to the thought that values didn't match. So, just agree that they were right, and let them know you wish them well.

3. Symptom: Your partner says "I've found someone new."

Problem: Your partner has met someone else. If your partner is the type who has jumped from one relationship to another quickly in the past, this is highly possible. However, if they tend to move slowly in and out of relationships, then this is less likely. Warning: don't assume this when you don't know - it will just upset them further if the reason is #1 or #2 above.

Solution: If they truly met someone else, consider that this new person is showing their best side to your partner, while you've been showing your worst. The odds of reconciling until the opposite occurs is highly unlikely. The only way to save a relationship where one partner is cheating is to simply show your best side, all the time. You must rise above the jealous, hurt feelings, and expectations that caused your partner to cheat in the first place. Otherwise, consider that they've already left the relationship, and consider moving on without them.

The other choice is to tell them firmly "you must leave" and then cease all communication with them. That approach often has been known to get the cheater to recognize they lost someone worth building more of a life with and they will fight to get you back. The first sign of that fight is when they dump the new person. This only works when you were being good to them and you also continue to be good in how you live your best life after you've kicked them out. So, be careful which path you choose.


4. Symptom: If they say things like "You're too much of a slob for me." Or "We always did what you wanted to do, never what I wanted to do," "I don't like the way you smell," and things like that.

Problem: Your partner is disgusted by you. They've either grown sick of you or your partner truly has had enough of trying to get along with you, and despite your best intentions you may *not* be perfectly matched. On the other hand, they might just be resentful about a few things. There is only one way to find out...

Solution: If your partner is sick of you, has decided you're a jerk, or otherwise has found despicable things about you to hate or resent, you're probably not going to resolve these from continuing that behavior.

The wisest move for you would be to clean up your act! Get your place together. Get back in shape. Do a new hobby, maybe even one they wanted to do together with you (if you truly want to do it). Get some energy work done and focus on being the person you want to attract. That way, if they bump into you in the future, they'll see that you're looking your best, creating a life of success, and with the clean space to allow them back into your heart. They say the best revenge is living well. Better than that, when someone won't reconcile because they're sick of you, the best thing to do is to pull back and then be your BEST self. At least you'll rebuild your self-confidence in the process.

5. Symptom: Your partner says "You were the one who wanted to break up!"

Problem: Your partner was listening to things you said or wrote to them. Perhaps you asked for the distance or asked for the separation yourself, and all they did was honor your request. Don't blame them and tell them they don't love you or crud like that when you may have fueled the very fire you're trying to put out!

Solution: You can't blame them for listening to you and honoring your request. All that you can say is "I was wrong. I change my mind. Your love means the world to me. If you would honor it, I'd appreciate a discussion to determine how we both can get our needs met and the opportunity to prove we can do it."

6. Symptom: Your partner says, "I might consider it, but this is just not a good time" or "I simply cannot meet with you now."

Problem: Your partner wants to reconcile, but not at this time. They need to go process some other things and it will take time for the two of you to even consider getting back together. This situation happens especially when many of the above problems I've described are happening SIMULTANEOUSLY.

Solution: If your partner has considered your request and deferred response, you're best to withdraw, tell them the ball is in their court, and MEAN IT. You cannot contact them again if you say you won't. Don't go by their place, don't call, and move on with your life. Time heals wounds, and distance makes the heart grow fonder. Don't wait by the phone, either. Just go on with your life. Alternatively, you could be like the guy in the song Austin (or P.S. - If This Is Austin) I've related to that song, myself!

7. Symptom: They say something like "I want to go on with my life. I've chosen to do so apart."

Problem: This doesn't sound like a symptom. It sounds like they really want to break up with you. However, it could be a veiled situation, or if they're experiencing the same confusion you were, perhaps they hardened their heart towards you because they were hurt and confused.

Solution: If you've made someone sure that they want to move on without you, my advice is to follow the four step process I'm going to outline below. Let go. Stop bothering them. Let them know you still care and would listen in the future should they want to talk. And, then focus on living your best self!

In case you haven't figured it out yet, the solution for all of this is pretty simple:

The Four-Step Recover Plan From Rejection:

1. Let go. Yep, let go and move on with your life... the old saying "If you love someone, set them free" is the wisest advice in this situation. Need help letting go? Try The Serenity Prayer.

2. Stop doing what you did that didn't work in getting back together. Anything you said or did that repulsed your partner, stop doing that, and do the opposite.

3. Anything you did that did work, do a little more of that (but not if you've flooded your partner).

4. Be your best self. Get yourself back in shape. Start or throw yourself into that new hobby. Clean up your house, your car, and your clothes. Upgrade your life, in all areas. Be true to yourself and be more loving, more fun, more successful.

Notice, in none of this did I suggest that you sit around moping, whining to your friends, continuing to badger or hound your partner, telling them they were wrong or insisting you were right, or anything else that didn't work in reconciling. To do that is to be a loser and operate from your lower self. Don't do that! Instead, I'm suggesting that you let it go, stop expecting everything to go your way, and be your best self.

You will find that by utilizing these solutions and following this four-step system that you will create the life you want. In doing so, you WILL become more attractive to your partner again IN THE FUTURE. That will increase the odds of you two getting back together. For now, don't worry about whether or not they want to reconcile. It really doesn't matter. They've made their choice and I guarantee you they hurt, too. Let them go live their life. And, then go live yours. Live your life as if you WON'T ever reconcile, and you might be surprised: some day, you just might get a phone call.

At the same time, you may have noticed that by following this 4-step system (Let go, stop doing what didn't work, do more of what did work, and be your best self). If you follow this system, over time, your broken and wounded heart WILL heal. Not only that, but you'll feel better about yourself for making and following a plan to get your life back on track. And last but certainly not least, by being your best self, healing naturally, and ceasing to obsess about your lost love, you will become more attractive to someone NEW. You just never know who might pop into your life and it just might be an upgraded situation!

As we clear the clutter from the past, reinvent who we are, and build an exciting new ME, we create a pathway for new love to enter our lives.

Either way, the formula is the same. Commit to it, stay with it, and be true to your highest self. You'll be the empowered person you want to be in doing so.

Learn more about Reconciliation from AspireNow:
Let Go Of Guilt and Resentment
How To Know When Its Over
What_Men_Want
What Women Want
11 Steps To Stop Fighting And Make Up
How and When To Reconcile
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog. If you are experiencing a serious relationship problem, we recommend you seek a qualified relationship therapist. This information is guided by the terms and conditions posted at AspireNow.com. Austin Lyrics by Blake Shelton are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, Austin Lyrics by Blake Shelton are provided for educational purposes only , If you like the song, please buy relative CD.