Dating: Is It All About You?

Here's a funny video to get us started on this topic:



Is it all about you?

I hope not.

I've always felt that good dating ought to be a mix. But, let's face it, if you're trying to ATTRACT someone, it might be more about THEM than it is YOU. If you're focused so much on how you look, what you're going to say, what you're going to do, you might miss out on the fact that there's a beautiful person over there, dying to share some of their own joy with you.

I made this mistake myself on a date probably more than once. You know, where you start blabbing about stuff you're doing, then ten minutes later stop talking and realize they're thinking "oh my God, this person is a selfish A@@!" Have you done that? Now, here's the trick - if you're trying to be funny, you have to say SOMETHING. I've also heard nightmare stories from women who say "the guy looked okay, he seemed nice on the phone, but in person, he just SAT THERE and LET ME DO ALL THE TALKING! It was SO AWKWARD!" I've felt that way about a couple of women, but then again, I'm pretty good at getting people to draw out what they're into after being a life coach for such a long time.

The point I'm trying to make is this: dating (and relationships) are a two way street, not a highway and a dirt road. In other words, there ought to be mutual sharing. If one person is dominating, the other ought to speak up and pipe in.

Remember, dating isn't all about you. It also isn't all about them, either.

Don't let people dominate the conversation too much. A little, okay, but too much you might end up feeling resentment down the road that can contribute to a break up. Instead, share your part, then ask them. Listen intently when they answer. Share together. That's what relating is all about! It doesn't have to be EQUAL. Some people are extroverted, others introverted. Keep in mind this MIGHT be why you're attracted to them. They help fill in the gap of what you keep quiet about. Just try to make sure that when you've got something to say that they listen, too.

Dating can be fun, when both parties are learning and sharing about each other's lives. So, let's share with our partners and experience a deeper and more meaningful relationship.
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You can also find more dating articles at: AspireNow: Smooth Sailing

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#1 Way to Improve Relationships

I've read quite a few relationship self-help books over the past ten years. As an author, coach, and speaker on the subject of improving relationships, I find it useful to check out other people's thoughts on the subject.

However, this next tip is something that I wish I'd learned thirty years ago. It is a tip I learned through my own interpersonal relationships. It is wisdom to improve any relationship. In fact, I feel strongly enough about this tip to claim it is the #1 way to improve your dating relationship, marriage, friendship, or even work relationships.

The #1 Way to Improve Relationships:

ASSUME THE BEST IN OTHERS.

They say it makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me" to assume. That is when you assume the worst from your friend, lover, partner, or co-worker. Assuming the worst is a bad thing, right? So, what's a good thing? In this case, assuming the BEST is a good thing. If you assume the BEST in others, sure, you may be a little gullible, and you might occasionally be taken advantage of... BUT you will also set ground rules for interacting that many other people do not follow: you're seeking the best in them and giving them the benefit of the doubt that the best is what they are offering to you.

Why would we treat relationships any other way?

I encourage you to give your friend the benefit of the doubt! You'll get along with people so much better when you allow people to be their best by simply looking for the best in them and the best in their actions.

When I look back upon my past relationships, I can say that the reason communication broke down, or the friendship went sideways, was almost always because they stopped assuming the best in me, and thought I said something to hurt them or did something to be selfish - or worse - mean to them. Or, perhaps I was the one who started seeing what they did as selfish, hurtful, or non-caring. Whichever, when either party readjusts their point-of-view lenses to see the best and look at the other as trying to give their best, the hurt feelings fade away much easier and resolution is found without strife.

Just this past Friday, an ex-girlfriend saw me and commented to a friend that she was surprised I'd walk right by her and not say anything. She then followed that up by saying "I'm so over Scott, anyway." She probably said it because she felt hurt and figured my friend would tell me, which would in turn hurt me. But the reality is when I walked by her I didn't even SEE her. I did not even know she was there. Had she said "hello" to me, my nature would naturally be to say "Hi" back. She assumed the worst, and in turn, probably felt hurt by it. By assuming the best she could have reached out and changed the situation and at least walked away feeling that she didn't have an enemy or whatever. I still think of her fondly, so that's where I'd leave it.

That's just one interaction. Eight years ago I was head-over-heels in love with someone who I'd gone to high school with. I can remember the day I wrote a letter trying to improve upon the things that I felt could be better in our relationship. My girlfriend, instead of seeing the letter as what I'd intended, felt criticized, and felt that I was putting her down. That was completely not my intention, but due to previous relationships where everyone assumed the worst in each other, she immediately went to that place. From that day forward, we never got the ship righted in the water again. It was too bad, because today we're not even friends anymore.

On the contrary, I recently let someone down by not delivering what I'd promised to them, in terms of a work project. Rather than get down on me, the assumed the best in me, and knew I'd deliver as soon as I was able, which I did. As a result, that work relationship remains vital, alive, and filled with mutual respect. See the difference?

Assume the best in others and YOU become happier with your relationships!

I share from this topic from personal experience.

People going through divorce or other separation could benefit from this advice. Be nice, assume the best, and ask for what's best for them. Hold to the things you need to hold to, and give on the things you don't, and even in those most difficult of situations you can process easier than through fighting or assuming ill of each other.

Recently, my guitar player and lead singer in my band quit the band to form his own band. Now, while he may have needed to do that anyway, he didn't need to trash our friendship. After all, we'd talked on the phone almost every single day for a year, and played music together going on six years! But he took an email I wrote the wrong way, and rather than assume the best, assumed the worst. I hoped he would talk about it, but he chose not to talk and to simply leave it and stop returning calls and emails. As a result, he trashed the band, trashed our friendship, and now does not communicate with me in any form. It hurt me for this to happen, as I was only seeking what was best for the band. If he had received my email differently, and assumed that I only wanted the best, he would have at least communicated better and kept the friendship as he exited the band. What's weird is had he talked with me about wanting to leave the band, I'd have supported him in that endeavor completely. I support him in his music and preferred to keep the friendship, but it is what it is.

If someone is being abusive, that's one thing - get out and get help! But if someone is just being who they need to be there is no reason to assume the worst in them, right?

If you want to improve your relationships, don't be afraid to take the chance to assume the best in someone else, even if it looks like they're not being nice, or like they might be putting you down, or whatever. In most cases, they are trying to improve or offer the best. They may be offering this to you from their perspective. And, they have a right to their perspective. So, consider this #1 way to improve relationships the next time you feel hurt, adjust your viewpoint to give your friend, partner, or lover the benefit of the doubt, and see if you don't roll through the challenge with ease instead of conflict.

I wish you the very best with your relationships. If you need professional counseling, I recommend you seek that therapy rather than relying on this article for help. I provide relationship advice for entertainment purposes only and do not expect you to hold me legally reliable for the choices you make with your life. Fair enough? All the love, success, and happiness to you today in living the life you want, finding the love you seek, and manifesting your dreams.
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4 Ways To Increase Happiness Immediately

Most self help is ultimately about discovering how to be happy.

I've read over 5,000 books related, in one way or another, to improving either my own life or the lives of others. And, in so reading, I can say that ultimately what we seek when reading such a book is to increase our happiness from one of the following things:

1. Increases in:
a. Pleasure; improving how much we enjoy the things we do.
b. Career Success; be a better boss, creating a dream job, etc.
c. Dating/Relationship finding/keeping someone special and improving how we relate.
d. Financial Abundance; making more money, investing more wisely, etc.
e. Health; being healthy in diet, weight, muscle, shape, etc.
f. Hobby/Free Time; improving certain aptitudes in recreational activities.
g. Wisdom; gaining perspective in life, philosophy, and experience.

Sometimes, our success increases when our failure decreases, so many additional books deal with decrease. Therefore, our happiness increases when we decrease some of the following:

2. Decreases in:
a. Getting rid of doubt and self-incrimination.
b. Fear; removal of fear or ways to overcome fear.
c. Blocks; removal of blocks to success.
d. Debt; ways to remove or eliminate debt or poor money management.
e. Poor relationship choices; bad dating or inter-relational habits.
f. Failure; learning from failure to turn losing into winning.
g. Disease; overcoming disease or other health ailments.
h. Time management failure; overcoming procrastination, etc.

Almost all self-help topics could be categorized in one of these sentences above.

Based upon this analysis, I'm going to give you four simple ways to increase happiness:

First, Take three.

If you wish to increase happiness, why not take the simple approach to address THREE of these at any given time. No more than three, just three. If you're having a problem with doubt, start a new discipline of confidence. Find the experts on teaching confidence and learn the essence of what they share. If you're struggling with getting in shape, take one new action that will do that for you: in my case, I've joined a new gym today that will enable me to drop the next 10 pounds in my weight management goal. Or, if you're not enjoying your career, do a career evaluation. Read a few books written by people who LOVE their career and follow some of their advice. By working on several aspects of your life and continually improving, you're creating a habit of life improvement. This habit will lead to increased happiness.

Second, What really matters most?

If you ask almost anyone who has lived a full life, they will tell you that sharing laughter and stories with good friends and family are the moments that matter most in your life. To improve this aspect, why not create special time for those you love, who add the most joy to your life, each week? Perhaps Saturday coffee with friends, or meeting for a happy hour on Thursday or Friday night? Maybe a special Tuesday dinner night that moves from couple to couple? Do something like this a couple of times a week and you'll never feel like you've missed something important. By spending time with those you love, you automatically ensure you'll be happier.

Third, simplify.

In Eastern philosophy, common wisdom is to simply "be" in the moment and experience life right now. What can you do to help you accomplish this? Can you reduce the clutter in your home? Can you make your commute shorter? How can you reduce wasted space or things you no longer use? How can you minimize time spent wastefully and replace it with things you love the most? To the extent you can accomplish some of this simplification, your life will improve and you will be happier.

Last, it may sound silly, but LOOK UP and show the sky your PEARLY WHITES.

We need sunlight and I always find it remarkable that when I make a practice to look up to the sun and show the sky my pearly whites, I automatically lift my mood. The converse is watching television. The more we watch television, where we commonly look straight or down, and let life get dictated or shown to us, we have happiness decrease. So, this last one is simple: get outside more often and spend less time in front of the television. When you're outside more often you will bump into people and have a chance to witness, create, and experience life more fully. While you're at it, why not learn something new? Tennis, golf, basketball, play an instrument, paint a landscape, whatever, but doing something outside is likely to make you happy.

So, there's a simple four-part strategy to increase happiness and enjoy your life more completely. If you find this useful, share it with friends!

Did I miss anything on your own list of happiness creation? If you've got more ways to improve happiness, feel free to weigh in on my comments page.
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Join the Self Help Twine

I just started a "Twine" For AspireNow and Self Help. If you're interested in these topics, join the thread of topics over there and share with your friends! Here's the link:

http://www.twine.com/twine/11rr7vhd6-n3/self-help

Cheers!
Scott
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Why Dating Sucks (and How To Be a Happy Couple)

I just received this two word message in an email to me from a married friend:

"Dating Sucks."

My response:

"I like dating. I assume you meant "dating sucks, generally speaking" or something like that.

Marriage sucks more."

Okay, so if dating sucks, generally, why would marriage suck more, generally speaking? The truth is, they both suck equally. They both can be GREAT equally, too. (Yes, I was teasing my friend.)

The reason why dating or marriage sucks is usually because most people don't know how to be HAPPY. They expect other people, outside events and circumstances -- or luck -- to bring them happiness. This is not how to to become happy.

Being happy leads to happy relationships!

We become happy by creating a kick-ass life and realize our dreams. We become happy for enjoying every moment we are alive. Even when we can't pay bills, our health is sick, or our job is floundering, we relish the joy in being alive. That is the key to being happy. Well, wait a minute, we also become happy by being GRATEFUL for WHAT WE HAVE (not what we want). And how do we do that? By picturing our dreams and then taking the steps to live them out. Underneath that, I'd say "By living in a spiritually blessed way and following the wise ways to accumulate happiness." This is all true.

We become happier in relationships by simply loving where we are when we are and giving more than we expect to give. When we create happy, loving, fun, nurturing, safe, secure, successful environments, our relationships flourish rather than flounder.

Think about it. When are you unhappy in a relationship?

When you're EXPECTING your partner to DO something for you, REMEMBER that little thing you like, or GIVE you in a way you thought they might... sound familiar? It is false expectation and false attachment that undermines the potential happiness in each relationship.

That's why being married can suck, too. Because when people get bored in marriage we stop giving and start expecting and then when we don't get what we want anymore we withdraw and stop giving even more (or less). To my married friends, does this sound familiar? That's why marriage sucks (generally speaking).

Now, don't get me wrong: I've seen bad behavior on dates that would make most men run for the hills. I've seen a woman say she wants you to be a gentleman (then acts slutty). I've seen women say they expect equality (then sit back while I pay for the meal - even though maybe she knew I was broke at the time or maybe I bought the last time). I had a date this past May where the woman was DRUNK when I MET her. Apparently, she needed vodka to get over the fear of the unknown. Talk about a semi-blind date gone horribly wrong. It produced a funny story later, but not a fun experience at the time.

I've seen guys belch on dates, drink too much, ignore their female companion, and other bad things. I've seen a guy put down his woman as if she was a piece of meat. People act horribly when dating. I've even made my own mistakes so don't get me wrong I'm NOT on a soap-box. But, yeah, dating can suck sometimes.

But what kind of struck me strange was when my friend said "dating sucks" in reply to my saying "I was on a date and I'm not going to date her again because I really don't feel the chemistry." To me, that's not a date that sucked. I explored an opportunity, decided I don't want that, and I'll let her down with grace and poise. She's a nice woman. She has a decent job and treats people nice. She has a good sense of humor. She's smart. She just isn't doing it for me in the chemistry department. So, it is better to end it before getting involved intimately. I really don't think that people should expect every date to end in the clouds parting, violins playing, and kisses that leave you weak-knee-silly.

Sure, I'd like to date someone where the bells ring, the birds sing, and the heavens shout for joy... but the last time that happened for me - it didn't for her. That is when dating sucks! But even then, it's a good situation, because at least you know it wasn't an equal match. And, in the end, that's all I really want: an equal in love, joy, adoration, spirit, friendship, and communication.

When we discover that type of love, dating ROCKS!

It happens from time to time... give love a chance even if you've been hurt, okay?

Does that type of relationship exist? SURE! There are 20% of people who are VERY HAPPY in their relationship. And, guess what, there's probably another 20% of people who are happily married. These types of relationships DO exist. It takes a sense of humor, dedication, mutual honesty, and equal communication. It takes trust, respect, and commitment. It takes the chemistry, backed up by all these things, to create it. But I've seen it happen. My sister is married in one of those relationships. And, my friend who said "dating sucks" is in one of those relationships, too. Both of these women love their husbands dearly. And that, to me, is awesome!

If you want a safe relationship, don't threaten the relationship when you have a disagreement or act in a way that would compromise the integrity of the relationship. If you want a fun environment, act and show your partner you can both have fun together and create fun things to do together. If you want a successful environment, be successful in what you do. If you fail, redirect into a path where others are succeeding and go for that opportunity. When you get there, don't slack, but give it your all. That's usually how people succeed anyway. Then, when you're with your honey, express GRATITUDE they are experiencing all of this with you!

Be happy to have happier relationships!

Dating doesn't have to suck. Neither does being married. Just make sure YOU are GIVING what YOU CAN, expecting good things but not expecting mind-readers and miracles, and enjoying every moment. And be happy in who YOU are and what you do with your life. Bring that into your relationship. You'll attract that same happiness back.

If your job sucks, find a job that makes you happy. If your health is down, eat healthier, get your sleep, work-out more often, and get back in shape. If your lifestyle is boring, pick up those hobbies and things you always dreamed of doing when you were younger. It is never too late to begin living your dreams. When dreams become reality is when happiness manifests.

When you're happy, your odds of being happily coupled increase dramatically.
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When Love Doesn't Fade Away

Have you loved someone, moved on, but noticed later that this person seems to still be present in your thoughts? I have. Love memory sometimes creates an interesting phenomenon that results in a reappearance or memory getting triggered from time spent, familiar activities, certain sayings, shared experiences (music, events, conversations, destinations), and more.

Lately, I've even found that a certain woman who I loved dearly keeps popping into my dreams. This is happening AFTER I thought I had done all the processing of the break-up, cutting cords, and moved on. Do I have an easy explanation for it? Actually, no, I don't. All I can say is that a part of me still feels very strong love towards her. I may always love her.

Can you relate?

If this is your situation, you really are faced with several questions, where you might ask "Does this mean..."

1. ... you have unfinished business?
2. ... you simply had a profound experience; learn and live from it?
3. ... you are still in love and belong together?

If the answer is #1, you may not be able to complete your "unfinished business" at this time. For example, if either of you have moved into a new relationship, whether dating or married, it may preclude any discussion or experience to find out why the love, feelings, thoughts, or other concerns haven't faded away. Even if neither of you are in relationship, there must be a door to communication. One party may have an interest, but if the other party shut the door you really ought not seek to reconnect until THEY reach out to you. That's my take at my current situation. If the dreams really mean something, the Universe/Spirit/God/Nature all have a way of directing us to "bump" back into each other in a random way at the right time. Trust that time and nature to direct you towards what is best for you and don't force it.

If they DO reach out to you, don't be rude and push them away. Hear them out and see what they have to say.

If your situation is #2, well, this is life. Sometimes, people may still affect us but if they were impossible to live with - or even date - then it is for the best to learn from this experience and grow from it. Incorporate the positives into your new life and make sure to avoid previous mistakes either in communication or ways you expressed your love. As long as we grow, we're living life and becoming our best self every day.

If your situation is more #3, then I have one simple question: "Have you BOTH expressed a desire, willingness, and interest in redeveloping a loving relationship together?" If the answer to this question is a resounding "Yes!" then go for it! Give love a chance... more than one couple split up only to find out years later that they really did love each other the most. I wish you both the best in learning new ways to resolve differences so that you stay together in your effort to grow your love together.

When love doesn't fade away, don't fret. Life is full of experiences. Sometimes the experiences will stay with us through our memories our entire life. There's nothing wrong with remembering someone we loved dearly. Enjoy the memory, and cherish the love you once shared together.

I feel strongly that love is an action word. If we feel love, we often need to reach out and act. If you pulled away because you were hurt, perhaps enough time and healing has transpired to reach out to the person you used to love. You just might be surprised what love awaits you in your future.
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#3 Biggest Relationship Mistake

When we're in a relationship, we often try to communicate our thoughts openly. However, sometimes we use a "passive-aggressive" approach to our communication, and suggest through that implied communication or need that our partner must take action based upon the passive-aggressive nature of the comment.

This is where this communication tactic leads to long-term failure and break-down in relationships: if we cannot communicate and lead through what we want and mean then we're implying our partner isn't good enough or doing enough. This will put our partner on the defensive and lead to conflict and potential blow-ups!

What is the third mistake couples make that can cause such damage in relationships?

The #3 Biggest Relationship Mistake Couples Make:

Passive-Aggressive communication, rather than leading with what we truly want.

If we could only just say what we want!

Instead, we often SUGGEST what we want, indirectly.

For example, say that the house is a mess. Rather than say "The house is a mess, so I'm going to clean the kitchen and front-room and I'd like you to clean the bathrooms and bedroom" we say "The house is a mess. We need to clean this pig-pen up!"

Notice, it SEEMED like we were owning our part, by saying "we need to clean this up" but the IMPLIED message is "YOU need to clean this up" to the partner who receives this message.

This is what I mean by passive-aggressive communication.

How about you? Are you guilty of using passive aggression to communicate with your partner?

Try saying what you mean and what you really want.

I'd like to go to a play tonight. Will you go with me and buy our tickets? Is much more direct than "Why don't we ever go to any plays... you never take me anywhere."

Here's my question for you:

Do you make statements that IMPLY your partner ought to do something that you want?

When you make statements that imply your partner ought to act in a certain way or do a certain thing, but are not directly asking for what you want, you are not communicating in a way that will build up your love. Rather, you'll likely build up to a conflict in the future.

Want a different approach?

I'd like to recommend a powerful relationship coaching system that utilizes a 4-step cure to problems like "The Biggest Mistake We Make In Relationships = Using Passive-Aggression" developed over the past few years by my affiliate partners, Paul Sterling and Kristin Denton. The Magic Relationship System Paul and Kristin developed is outstanding and I recommend it. Their system is based on Marshall Rosenberg's "Non-violent Communication" along with other systems Paul and Kristin discovered mitigate relationship conflict and bring two lovers closer together.

Dig through their site, learn more, and sign-up for their system all through this link:

Get the Magic Relationship System

Enjoy! Best of success to you in building true love!

Comment below to discuss your own challenges in creating stories and believing in erroneous stories.
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For Better or Worse, Richer or Poorer

What Happens When Communication Breaks Down In Marriage?

(Note: This is a guest article by Amy Waterman from Save My Marriage Today.)

It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle thing, and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often, especially when feelings are involved. Even those who think that they are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves drawn into a communication breakdown when they least expect it, and chaos ensues.

This happened to me on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took me by surprise. Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. My partner told me something that really hurt my feelings, and I lashed back in defense. It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of aftershave. But to me, it represented something much deeper, that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks. I get frustrated at having to search for something when it is not where I expect it to be. Worse still when my partner has shifted it and I don’t know the first place to begin searching.

Aftershave, needles and thread, car keys, a Tupperware container to store my baking soda in, covers for our outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where I had to turn the house upside-down. A simple answer from my partner when these things were shifted would have saved me a lot of time and frustration. And the answer I got? "You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better"

I was gutted. When I come home from work I exercise the dog and cook dinner so that it is on the table by the time my partner gets home. The house is always spotless and warm, as I’m very conscious of coming home to a tidy environment. I see this as a fundamental part of my role in coming home first, and it takes a lot of my time. To imply that I have the time to "organize yourself better" really hurt.

I don’t expect praise, but I did hope that my efforts were recognized. I got told that "I don’t expect you to cook my dinner every night" was interpreted by me as ingratitude, and hurt me even more.

So where to from here? My partner felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, whereas I felt guilty if it wasn’t perfect. It was never about me trying to make him feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my efforts, and I misinterpreted his response.

Communication, communication, communication. I need for my partner to keep me informed of where things move to. I need to be informed. I need to voice my frustration before it gets to boiling point. We both need to talk about our feelings more, and how each of our contributions to our home and our relationship make us feel, and how we interpret each others contributions. It is not a competition, but for many couples it feels like it.

When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.

We got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn’t hurt so much if I didn’t feel such love at the same time. But it served as a good reminder to me. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.

A good lesson to learn, even for the experts…

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#2 Biggest Mistake Couples Make In Relationships

In dating, singles are often trying to "size" each other up. We'll look for bad habits with money, sex, rudeness, or any other little thing to try to eliminate a person as a partner. Why? Because we want to make sure we select the best partner we can! It just makes sense.

But here is where couples run into problems: they start to form a "story" in their head about their partner. Or, worse yet, you've been dating -- perhaps even married for a while -- and you hear a story about your partner. The story isn't good. Do you believe it? If you do, you might be headed towards the cliff of relationship failure.

What is the second mistake couples make that can cause such damage in relationships?

The #2 Biggest Relationship Mistake Couples Make:

Believing a STORY that may not be true.

If only we could just know the truth, without games, our relationship life would be so much easier, wouldn't it? Well, at least now we can learn a way to help us avoid making this crazy relationship mistake that sparks many conflicts in relationships. Story-telling (and believing) can cause imagined affairs and worse.

One of my own ex-girlfriends could have used the Magic Relationship system to help her stop believing strange stories.

How about you? Are you guilty of telling, repeating, or believing in a story that downgrades your partner? Perhaps she looked at you weird. So, now you think she's a b*tch. Or, perhaps he allowed you to pay a bill. That means he is tight with money, right? Well, maybe not! There could be more going on under the surface, and you haven't validated your story.

Here's my question for you:

Do you make observations, then run to conclusions (create a story), then believe in that story rather than deeper meaning?

If you make an observation, you might want to clarify what is going on. It is only fair to your partner.

When people make observations, create stories, then act from the believe created from the story, they're running the risk of creating relationship dynamics that may lead contrary to your love staying together and thriving. In other words, it is poor communication.

My ex-girlfriend thought she was psychic. She'd have a dream that I slept with someone else, then rush over to my house to catch the evidence and bust me. The funny thing was that I never did that! I didn't sleep with anyone else when we were in our committed relationship. So, how was that fair to me? Right, it wasn't fair at all!

When you act from erroneous beliefs you act in a way that is not mature, but rather immature.

Want a different approach?

I'd like to recommend a powerful relationship coaching system that utilizes a 4-step cure to problems like "The Biggest Mistake We Make In Relationships = Telling A Story" developed over the past few years by my affiliate partners, Paul Sterling and Kristin Denton. The Magic Relationship System Paul and Kristin developed is outstanding and I recommend it. Their system is based on Marshall Rosenberg's "Non-violent Communication" along with other systems Paul and Kristin discovered mitigate relationship conflict and bring two lovers closer together.

Dig through their site, learn more, and sign-up for their system all through this link:

Get the Magic Relationship System

Enjoy! Best of success to you in building true love!

Comment below to discuss your own challenges in creating stories and believing in erroneous stories.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. The A-Blog offers more articles like this.

Join AspireNow's Self Help Lounge at Gaia

AspireNow recently created a new group (forum, or lounge) for self help discussion over at the social network, Gaia. If you aren't a member, sign-up and join our group:


Click here to join AspireNow's Self-Help Group at Gaia!

The AspireNow Group at Gaia is an online lounge (forum) where you can discuss, learn, share, and get involved with topics ranging from:

Career, Dating, Dreams, Finance, Goals, Health, Inspiration, Journey, Law of Attraction, Lifestyle, Marriage, Money, New Thought, Perspectives, Relationships, Secret to Success, and more!

Of course, while you're at it, you might also want to sign up for AspireNow's Newsletter, too:

Join AspireNow's Newsletter.

Join Aspirenow Group Lounge at Gaia.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

"Get What You Want Now" with Jessica Haynes on AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self-Help Show

"How To Get What You Want Now" with Jessica Haynes, Business and Relationship Consultant, on the AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self-Help Show:

Join me at 5PM PST / 8PM EST on Tuesday, July 15, 2008, for a special talk with Jessica Haynes on "How To Get What You Want Now" on the AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self-Help Show.

To Participate On The Show:

1. Dial (724) 444-7444 enter 37792 to call in, listen, and/or ask questions.
2. Visit http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/37792 to text questions and get chat during show.

Jessica and I will be discussing the following topics during our hour together:

• How to have lasting relationships;
  
• How to stop repeating old patterns that hold you back; and
  
• How to find inner fulfillment, peace of mind, and a secure future.

"She is one of today's most valued relationship consultants. Jessica has defined the essential "ah-has" for developing a successful loving and lasting relationship, and she will be discussing her tips with you today. Jessica will present the 5-steps to a secure, loving, happy, and lasting relationship. Each step will likely change your life for the better.

That's right: You can get the loving relationships, career, friends, and level of prosperity that you always wanted or imagined for yourself. Jessica will guide you through the five steps of having a relationship that works and that lasts. She invites you to participate with your calls to ask questions and find solutions to your current situation.
It's time to live your dreams in the next hour. Get ready for a lot of refreshing ideas, breakthrough perspectives, and enlightening moments.

Jessica uses both her clinical psychology background and her highly intuitive skills. In 1983, Jessica had a near death experience. The insights she gained from dying and coming back began to attract clients from across the nation. She turned her attention from that of being a top marketing executive to coaching and helping others reach their dreams and goals. Jessica will share her amazing story. She will also give you the positive ripple-effect that continues to help people around the globe.

Call in and ask questions - it's simple and easy to join in!

If you MISS this show, listen to the show player right here after broadcast:


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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

The #1 Biggest Relationship Mistake

This mistake can turn good relationships into ugly relationships in rather short order. Not only that, but commit this relationship mistake often, and you're on a path to separation, for sure.

What is the mistake couples make that can cause such destruction?

The #1 Biggest Relationship Mistake Couples Make:
Building a case against each other.

It happens, from time to time, in relationships, that someone was wronged. Unfortunately, when they are wronged, they get a perspective that they need to simply state their case clearly enough, and their partner ought to "hear" them, validate their concern, admit they were wrong, and life can go on as it was: honky dory, right?

I wish I'd known about the Magic Relationship system for building true love before I made that mistake, for sure!

How about you? Are you guilty of building a case against each other?

Here's my question for you:

Are you trying to build a case against your partner, or trying to build common ground together and connect with them?

If you're building a case, you're more than likely just pushing them further and further away from you. If you build a case, you damage your partner's self-esteem. And, when the self-esteem is hurt, that causes the kind of pain that sends people running away from each other!

When someone builds a case against you, what is your natural tendency behavior mechanism in response? RIGHT: to get defensive and try to find things wrong with THEM! How does that solve anything? All this results in is pushing each other away from each other.

Typically, when you start building facts to make a case against your partner, you don't resolve a damned thing.

Not only that, but if each time you try to reconnect, you bring up something even remotely related to anything that previously sounded like "the case" against your partner, and you'll just send them in fear/flight mode further away from you. If you communicate directly with them, you're likely to receive a cooler reception than you hope for - maybe even outright hostility.

Why is that?

Have you ever seen a frightened animal when it is cornered? The animal will typically FIGHT first, then if (or more likely when) the animal determines it CAN'T WIN or will get HURT WORSE then animal FLEES.

We hope that by building a case we will get heard and our partner will admit they are wrong, realize how much they love us and are so lucky to have someone who will still love them even though they messed up so bad, and they'll come running back into our arms to kiss and make up.

Well, this isn't typically what happens. In one of my own relationships, I found that by making a case, I pushed her away. Further, when I tried to reconcile, she rejected me. Last, when I kept trying to get "heard" she finally cut off all communication. How is that productive? I blew it. It caused both me AND her a lot of pain and frustration. Sure, she contributed, but when I OWN MY PART in the problem, I can say I truly blew it. Can you relate?

As someone with a goal to become a "masterful" communicator, I strove to learn from my failure. The main thing is to realize when we make communication mistakes, and then not make them in the future. In other words: learn from mistakes, and correct them in future situations.

To the woman I hurt: if you read this, I'm sorry. I loved you. I blew it. I hope you realize some day I was just trying to get heard. You deserved better communication from me. I hope you are happy and I truly send you nothing but gratitude and love for the good times and good things we DID share together. Thank you!

Maybe in the future, I will reconnect with this person, and will rediscover a long-lost friend. Time has a way of healing hurt feelings. In the meantime, I'll learn from my mistakes. How about you?

Next time you feel yourself building up facts and building a case against your partner, STOP. Take a breath, and ask yourself three questions:

What is THEIR role in this that they may not have intended?
What can I do to see this from their perspective and put my perspective at rest?
What can I do to reconnect and build a bridge back to love?

When we're looking for ways to CONNECT with others, we usually seek out COMMON GROUND. We need to find ways to relate, share the same words, and get our eyes focused the same way on the problem. If we can do that, we CAN find a way through to the resolution of the problem.

If you find yourself NODDING through this article or relating and thirsting for more wisdom like this, I'd like to recommend a powerful relationship coaching system that utilizes a 4-step cure to problems like "The Biggest Mistake We Make In Relationships = Building A Case" developed over the past few years by my affiliate partners, Paul Sterling and Kristin Denton. The Magic Relationship System Paul and Kristin developed is one of the best I've seen. Their system is based on Marshall Rosenberg's "Non-violent Communication" along with other systems Paul and Kristin discovered mitigate relationship conflict and bring two lovers closer together.

You can poke around, learn more, and sign-up for their system all through this link:

Get the Magic Relationship System

Enjoy! Best of success to you in building true love!

Comment below to discuss your own challenges in building a case.

How to Get Your Ex Back - Click Here!
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. The A-Blog offers more articles like this.

Speak Up - Don't Bite Your Tongue

Dating & Relationship Advice:

Are You Speaking Up Or Biting Your Tongue?

Don’t expect your partner to be a “mind-reader” in order to understand your thoughts.

Some people have selling skills. Others are analytical. Some are intuitive and emotional, others discern and use logic well. We are all different. And, with these differences, many of them might augment and improve our relationship by making us stronger together than we are apart. However, some of our differences are bound to frustrate us, from time to time.

Despite your strengths that may or may not match in a relationship, you may find times where you and your partner simply don’t see eye to eye. Hey, it's human!

The key question in relationships is: “How will you deal with those moments when you are not feeling heard or experiencing frustrating thoughts?”

Do you sweep them under the rug? Do you hope your partner will read your mind and just magically change?

Think of this: doing nothing is rarely a solution. Doing nothing merely delays the inevitable. Would it be healthier to wait and be reactive, or to deal with this now, proactively?

AspireNow's philosophy in a nutshell: be proactive, not reactive.

Say something positive to your partner, then suggest the concern, and a way that both of you might help improve the situation. Don’t just come up with concerns, bring solutions, too: be proactive. But don’t let the issue sit and fester, please don’t expect your partner to be a mind-reader, and for Pete’s sake, don’t sweep it under the rug and pretend it will magically resolve without any effort from both of you.

You might think, “But, Scott, if I bring this up, won’t we get in an argument?” My answer: Possibly, yes, you might. But consider this:

“Married couples who report they never argue with each other are 35 percent more likely to divorce within four years than are couples who report regularly disagreeing.” (Vaughn 2001).

Considering this fact about relationships that make it vs. those that don't, I’d suggest that opening up and sharing, even with the risk of arguing, is healthier than biting your tongue and hoping for the best.

I remember my ex-wife had this expectation that we would never argue. “My Mom and Dad never argued in front of us kids when we were young, Scott. It isn't healthy to argue!” she would say. Of course, we only argued about once in four months, so I did not see that as a big problem. However, her attitude probably didn't help us stay together, in retrospect.

Of course, you want support. Sure, you want comfort. It would help resolve the trying situation, right? You want your partner to understand your concern, understand the difficulty you face, and understand how to make you feel better. How do you make sure your partner understands your concern?

Are you concerned about money? Are you concerned about sharing interests? Are you concerned about how you’re raising kids together? Are you concerned about how often you’re having sex or experiencing intimacy? In relationships we WILL discover many concerns that we OUGHT to share with each other. The question is, do we make the effort to communicate and share proactively with each other to bring potential future problems out and take positive steps to resolve them?

If we pretend that our partner will magically discover the our concern, but haven’t openly discussed it or aired the matter, then we are being DECEPTIVE with our partner. It simply isn't fair to expect a partner to be what we want or do what we want without expressing those desires.

Now, let me ask you: “What are the odds of long-term relationship success if you’re deceiving your partner?”

You’ll reduce the odds of your long-term success by being less than up-front about your concern.

When you need support, explain the situation clearly, with positive reinforcement of why you love them in front and in back of the concern.

At the same time, if your partner brings up a concern to you, what do you do to validate and hear your partners concerns?

Do you practice active listening?

Resolving a conflict is much like surgery. You have to first dress the wound area and clean it. You must acknowledge there is a wound. Then you must clean the wound and get it ready for surgery. Then you take a step towards fixing the injury by cutting out the offending item or repairing the problem. Next, you stitch up the wound, and bandage it with proper materials so that it doesn't get reinfected. Last, you schedule a follow-up visit to make sure the wound healed properly.

Healthy conflict resolution:

1. Have you repeated back their concern and demonstrated that you heard them?
2. Have you looked for the "dream inside" of the conflict? If you can find the dream inside, you can often shift your perspective to match theirs and give yourself a chance at resolving the conflict more quickly.
3. Have you discussed, together, possible remedies and small steps you might take to resolve the problem? If you resolve your conflict using similar approaches, you're more likely to have success with the problem.
   
4. Have you taken to address the root NEED that is identified by the concern brought up?
   
5. Have you both agreed that the issue was heard, taken to heart, and if possible, put to rest?
   
6. Have you given reassurance of your love together to close the wound and leave it healthy?
7. Did you give yourself a "relationship check-up" and follow up two weeks later to make sure that the issue was resolved to satisfaction?
   

Follow this list and you'll resolve more conflicts, for sure.

I experienced what it feels like to discover that my partner had a concern but let months – even years – go by without airing these concerns to me. When you discover this after the fact, you’re left wondering “How much better could things have been had they simply communicated!” Communicate with your partner - you'll save pain down the road, for sure.

I also experienced how it feels to share a concern about how we might improve our relationship, only to have my partner continue with the behavior that made it difficult to be together and put a strain on our interactions. Or, even worse, I've had a partner take a concern, twist it back around to be about me, then leave me feeling attacked, raw and invalidated, when I was just trying to resolve something to make the relationship better. When you experience this sort of invalidation from your partner over a prolonged period of time, you’re bound to build up frustration. It might even lead to a break-up. So, before things get to a boiling point, if you hear your partner expressing a concern and it IS something you could resolve with some minor changes in behavior, why not validate their concern and take some action towards a positive experience together?

In studies of marriages of various lengths, couples with a high degree of intimacy between the husband and wife – that is, couples who shared their innermost thoughts – were 62 percent more likely to describe their marriage as happy (Pallen 2001).

The choice is yours whether to build a relationship on total honesty, respect, good communication, and love.

At the heart of true love is better communication and healthy conflict resolution. Are you missing the mark but want true love? Change how you communicate, improve how you resolve conflicts, and you’ll improve the love you feel.

Sources:

Pallen, R. 2001. “Intimacy, Need Fulfillment, and Violence in Marital Relationships.” Ph.D. dissertation, University of Arkansas.

Vaughn, L. 2001. “The Relationship Between Marital Satisfaction Levels Associated with Participation in the Free and Hope-Focused Marital Enrichment Program,” Ph.D. dissertation, Regent University.

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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

In Love But Not Together?

Are you separated from the love with your partner? Perhaps you know that you may still be the one, long-term, for each other, but you are not together at this time. Such separation can be a painful process to endure for the person reaching out and frustrating or pressuring to the person who stepped back to take the action they need to take to be a "whole" partner in relationship.

Sometimes, even though we are meant to be together, long-term, there are things that will separate us, short-term, from our lover and best friend.

Maybe one person is working in one city for their career and the other person needs to be somewhere else, perhaps with the kids or doing something else for their career.

Maybe you had an argument or problem in the relationship and need time apart to heal or find a solution to the problem.

Maybe one person doesn't yet fully realize the potential of the two of you together.

One person may be on a quest to build their self-esteem and rediscover who they are before they can rejoin the other as a true team in equality.

Whatever the reason, it is hard to endure being in love but not being together. This is hard for the person who is reaching out their hand, as they yearn to be together, but must exercise restraint and understanding. It is hard for the person who stepped away, because they struggle to explain why they cannot be together and must focus on their need at this time, almost selfishly, in order to complete the whole of the union over the long-term.

I think when you're the person reaching out (or left behind), you need to ask yourself if you are truly committed to the love you feel for your partner, and truly committed to the choice of action required to be patient and see your partner through on their journey. If you are not committed, pull away, and let your heart heal. However, if you ARE committed, then continue to hold POSITIVE thoughts for the relationship. Continue to live as if you are committed and TOGETHER, even though you are not together. Do not engage in new love affairs or sexual trysts to try to heal the loneliness you feel. Just focus on living YOUR best life and building the best place in your heart, mind, and soul for your partner to come back to.

Consider sending something like this to your partner:

I'm in support of your highest good.
I'm here for you whenever you need me.
I honor you and your journey.

This way, when your partner has completed this leg of their journey and either found healing in their heart towards you, or they've discovered their self-esteem and realized their love for you again, or they've completed their work assignment and now can return to be with you; whatever the situation, you'll be ready for them.

If you are the partner who is being distant or has pulled away or left for your career, I will suggest to you that you be sensitive towards the partner who is expressing they still love you and still want to be with you. In your communication with them, you might not want to say anything "final" or "severing" in your words. Try to use words that indicate a temporary status and that this is about your journey. Ask them to support your highest good, and support their highest good, too.

Consider sending them something like this to explain:

I am taking time to (insert whatever issue you are sorting out). I still love you and this is likely just a step in my journey, and our journey together. I support your highest good and ask that you support my highest good, too.

Once you have worked through your issue, time apart, self-esteem, healing, or temporary career adjustment, come back to your partner. When you re-engage, let them know how much you love them and appreciate their support they gave you while you went away. Remember, many people will disconnect and give up just because you can't be together. The person who waits is someone who truly loves you, indeed. Be grateful for that love and never take it for granted!

Other things that may help you through this time include prayer, meditation, physical exercise, and doing healthy things to improve your life.

It isn't always easy to be in love, but not together, but you can do it if this relationship is truly what you want from love, dating, and friendship in your significant other.
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The Dating and Relationship Integrity Quiz

Are you expressing integrity in your dating and relationships?

Even if you *think* you're expressing integrity in your relationships, you might not be. How can you know? Take the following quiz I created this week, then review my comments below on how to improve your actions in integrity to better improve the love you wish to enjoy:

The Relationship Integrity Quiz

1. If you have any misgivings about your relationship, you:

a. Continue to put forth a face that you're committed in the relationship to your partner and sweep the concern under the rug, hoping it will go away with time.
b. End the relationship. Misgivings are a sure sign that the relationship will fail.
c. Ask your partner to "talk" and express the concerns you have openly.
d. Tell your friends about it, but leave your partner in the dark.

2. When your partner brings up a concern, do you

a. Listen, then immediately change to please them.
b. Ignore them. They are always whining about something or another.
c. Hear them, validate what they've said (clarify to ensure you understand), and then come to an agreement about small steps that each partner might take to help better meet their needs in the area they brought up.
d. Deflect the concern back onto them and immediately point out something in them that annoys you, too.

3. You've noticed that you've gone 2 weeks without having sex or expressing a prolonged intimacy (and nothing is going on with your health that would have precluded this). You:

a. Laugh it off. Oh, sex, it's just a small part of dating or being married.
b. Express concern and tell your partner to put up or get out.
c. Discuss the situation with your partner. Ask them if they can think of reasons why expressing physical intimacy might have slipped to the back burner, and proactively find ways to create time to be more intimate.
d. 2 weeks? That's all? Try two months, 2 years, or 2 decades, baby!

4. Your partner asks for a certain type of attention. You respond by:

a. Yawn. They always want that gushy stuff. I've got more serious things to do with life like provide for the family, man!
b. Tell them that you always give them that, why are they complaining?
c. Listen, then make a note to start to show appreciation and attention in the way they requested. You follow-up in two weeks to see if they've noticed the ways you're now showing appreciation for them.
d. Tell them that they need to show you attention, too. Maybe then you could give them what they want. Why don't they do (xyz...) for you? Sheez!

5. Your partner says that they are irritated because you're talking over them. You respond by:

a. Interrupting and telling them they don't know what they're talking about.
b. Ignoring them. What they say isn't really that important, anyway.
c. Listening, apologizing, then making a point to let them speak and hearing them out before putting your thoughts out there into the conversation.
d. Laugh it off. They just don't know a poet when they hear one!

6. You're trying to include your partner in various aspects of your life dreams: family, interests, friends, work, and so forth. They demonstrate either a lack of interest or the experience is even negative. You:

a. Tell them that if they love you they have to love....(xyz interest/dream)
b. Dump them! They ought to accept and love the same stuff you do, after all.
c. Talk about the concern and determine if there is a reason they expressed a negative or lack of interest in the dream you want to realize. Discuss options of doing small things in the future to make the situation more enjoyable for both of you.
d. Blow it off. They like some things, but you'll just do your own thing anyway! That's why there's shopping, sports, poker night, and girl's night out, baby!

7. Your partner crossed you in public on an issue that there was no apparent reason for them to not back you on. You:

a. Tell them they are rude and yell at them.
b. End the relationship. How dare they!
c. Discuss the concern. Find out why they crossed you. Discuss ways to make sure they show respect for you in the future, and how you can both better respect each other.
d. Ignore them or point out how they crossed you just 5 minutes earlier. So they beat you to it, so what?

8. If you've expressed that you are dating each other exclusively or in a committed relationship, and you find your partner has a voice mail, a note, or other suspicious behavior going on, you:

a. Blow up! How could they cheat on you!
b. Dump them. There's no place for infidelity in any relationship.
c. Ask them what is going on with the message, note, or activity. Discuss what they are looking for in the present relationship that might be missing or could be improved. Then, take actions to give more of that. Follow-up with them in two weeks to find out if things are better so that they don't feel the need to encourage outside distractions.
d. Flirt with someone else as soon as they leave. That will teach them!

9. Your partner expresses concern about your friends, children, or parents. You:

a. Tell them "It's my life. Complain now you might as well walk out forever!"
b. End the relationship. Your family and friends are more important than this partner, anyway.
c. Discuss the concern, hear their issue, validate their concern, and agree to take small steps towards improving the situation with them. Follow-up in two weeks to see how things are progressing.
d. My friends? My kids? My parents? Oh My God! You should see theirs!!

10. You're finding your self either giving too much money or taking money from your partner in ways you didn't originally think you would. You:

a. Keep giving (or taking). Hey, it's a dog-eat-dog world, baby.
b. End the relationship. People ought to be equal, not give or take too much.
c. Discuss what's going on with material things. Discover the root of the issue, and find small steps to improve and grow finances and possessions together as a team. Follow-up in a brief time to see how things are getting better.
d. They DO take from me. I'll just take something of theirs, silly.

*****

Okay, so you've completed the quiz. Now, I want you to notice how I structured this quiz.

If you find your responses in the "C" category on each of these questions, then you're handling your relationship with integrity. You're clearly communicating well, resolving conflicts as good as most people, and making progress in your relationship. Right on!! The "C" answers in this quiz are the healthiest way I could think of in each situation to maximize (a) validating each other's concerns, (b) resolving conflict proactively, (c) developing more honesty, intimacy, and integrity, and (d) growing closer together over time.

If you found any or many of your answers outside the "C" category, I'll point out what each of the other categories can get you and what they mean:

"A" answers: Answers to the Integrity Quiz are one of two flavors: Passive responses that indicate you'll hope the problem will just solve itself, or Aggressive answers that cause more flame-ups. If you found yourself answering "A" often, you need to look at your communication style. If your style is Passive, then you're likely going to feel somewhat repressed over time and resentments will build up towards your partner. This is a breach of integrity. You need to come forth, listen more actively, and take more action towards healthy give-and-take in your relationship. You need to communicate more openly and say what you want. Rather than just trying things, get to the root of why you are trying and operate in a new way.

If your style is Aggressive, you need to ask if the aggression serves you and your partner? More than likely, your style is repressing your partner and creating more conflict than resolution. Aggression, out of control, is not integrity in dating or relationships. Find why you respond with anger or yelling and discover ways of communicating that validate both you and your partner and you'll build more integrity in your relationship.

"B" answers: If your answers are predominantly "B", then you have a real issue with commitment. Your first reaction to problems is to run away or dump your partner. If you're choosing this option, you're not really choosing to have integrity in your relationships, despite whatever you think. Instead, you're choosing to act like you're right, and making everyone else wrong. Instead of running away or cutting bait, why not find ways to validate, hear, learn, act proactively, and grow more integrity in commitment with your relationship? You'll find your relationship will be more healthy if you learn these skills.

"D" answers: If your answers are predominantly "D", you are acting in a way that is completely self-centered and out of integrity with your relationship. You either think you're right or have such low self-esteem that you're treating others disrespectfully and not really resolving anything. Your deflection of concerns is a mask for this. In addition, you aren't "owning" your partners concerns. In many cases, you out-and-out act out anyway just to prove you can. It is amazing your partner is still with you, frankly. If you want a healthy relationship, you might consider learning more about "C" answers and how to develop respect, trust, and real love in your relationship.

If you're finding some of your answers straying outside of "C" answers, why not take a fresh look at how you manage your relationship and see if there isn't room for improvement. Many people can have and grow the love they seek simply by committing to and taking small steps each day towards each other, resolving conflicts in a healthy way, and growing towards each other in love.

If you enjoyed this article, you may also enjoy:

The Intimacy, Love, and Dating Scale, by Jessica Haynes
What Makes A Person Great, by Scott Andrews
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Taking Time To Love Our Own Self

Have you ever experienced the feeling like you were pulled to give time to a dating partner or life partner instead of loving your self?

I recently discovered that I'd been jumping back into dating too soon after a relationship breakup. How did I know this? Well, because, with every person I met to date I found they were either (a) emotionally unavailable, (b) seeking rescue, (c) expressing they were into me (and I wasn't them), and/or (d) expressing they were not into me (and I was them). Whatever the situation, I noticed that I was pushing too much. And, when I got there, I had little desire to pursue it further.


Why? Because I hadn't resolved my feelings in my previous relationship.

I think it is normal to still feel "in love" with a partner, even when they are gone, especially if there was a strong chemistry element to the relationship. However, being in love with someone else means you are NOT emotionally available to date anyone NEW. In other words, dating anyone new when you're still in love with someone else only sabotages any chance at a real connection with that person.

When I realized this was my situation, I decided to pull back from dating and focus on taking time for self. I've done it before: after my divorce with Judi (1993) and again after my breakup with Trisha (1999), I took some time for my self and found it time well spent. I also took that time again between 2002 and 2006, to a large extent, and also found that useful for personal development. If you find yourself working on falling out of love with another and back into love with your self, take some time - it will do you good.

I'm not someone who enjoys excessive time alone. But I do find it worthwhile when between relationships to stop looking for answers outside of me and instead remember to LOVE ME AGAIN and realize that all the answers to my personal happiness lie inside me. The spirit of God inside me provides all the happiness I need to be fulfilled. It is true for everyone. When you love yourself, then you are truly ready to love another person again!

So, if you're finding yourself caught in demands for your love and affection and your heart just isn't in it, perhaps you might take some time out for yourself. Remember, any time we want to love someone else, and have them love us, too, it is critical that we love our own self first.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog. Photo courtesy Free Range Stock.

Are You In Love?

Do you believe in love? Are you in love with someone special?

Have you let them know it lately?

There are many ways to say “I love you” to someone. When considering love, it can be a feeling, a thought, a spoken word or phrase, a gesture, or a solid action demonstrating love clearly exists from one person to another.

What Is This Strange Feeling we call LOVE?

If you feel that you love someone, you're likely either feeling a sense of “belonging” or a sense of “loyalty” or a sense of “passion” for that person. Have you ever seen someone who “felt” in love with someone but never told them how they felt? What were they waiting for?

Sometimes, we don't share our feelings with others because we are afraid that we might be rejected. Or, we may have been hurt by a lover in the past and now feel the fear that this new person may not work out, either. Last, perhaps we've already given it a go with a special person and had less than the desired success with the relationship, and feel that going back in might cause more hurt in the future. In any event, there are reasons why people sometimes do not express their feelings of love for each other. However, I will point out that in most of these instances, it is FEAR that stops people from sharing their feelings with each other.

In case you've missed some of my other articles on this subject, FEAR blocks LOVE. You can't have your optimum relationship airplane take-off with fear on board the plane! FEAR works like a DRAG on any relationship. So, if FEAR is stopping you, I'd say to RELEASE the FEAR! Once you've released the fear you will free your soul of the burden that blocks your conscious self from expressing your true feelings. At that point you will be able to express your love freely with the person you love.

How can we express the love we feel?

Once you've decided to express your feelings, you now have choices. You can either SAY how you feel, or you can SHOW how you feel.

Say it loud, say it proud!

"I LOVE YOU!"

When we say “I LOVE YOU,” we are expressing our feelings in the most direct and sincere way possible. We could still say, “I care about you” or “I dig hanging out with you” or “you're a lot of fun” but all of those ways of expressing feelings could just as easily be feelings of friendship as feelings of love. If you want to say “I love you” to another person, why not just come out and say these three magic words?

Now, if you're like me, you probably appreciate hearing when another person says “I love you” to you. So, go for it, put it out there, and let your heart strings play their tune.

Have you told someone you care about deeply that you love them?

If you were hurt in the past, you've got to move beyond that hurt, put the fear behind you, and embrace saying how you feel IN THE MOMENT now. When you can do this, you will experience MORE love in your life – I'm certain of it. If you sense people arguing, why not step in and offer a bridge towards faith, hope, and love in the GOOD of things. When we work as a team, support each other, and offer encouragement, life is SO MUCH BETTER!

In my family, we all say “I love you” when parting. We do this frequently – I'd say about 30% of our conversations end with “I love you” stuck in there some place. I don't know if I've been as good with my relationships. For some reason, I'm a bit non-committal and don't always say how I feel when I love a woman. I've made a new resolution in 2008 that from now on, when I feel it, and we have engaged in a committed relationship, I will say "I Love You" much more often. If you feel like you love someone special, tell them. You might have something to lose, but we certainly can't win anything if we don't play the game of life. And playing means jumping in and saying something.

Don't just say it - SHOW IT!

Now, you may also feel better if the person also SHOWED you how much they love you as well as TOLD YOU how much they loved you. After all, we can't play if we don't interact.

My sister once told me that children base their judgment of how much you love them by how much TIME you spend with them, doing things together. Is it any different for teenagers, college kids, thirty-somethings, mid-life adults, or elderly? I read in an advice column last week how a Grandmother felt her love was rejected and didn't matter because the kids and grand kids weren't showing appreciation for the time she was investing towards them. On the other hand, I've also read about mothers trying to get their kids exposure to a grandmother who didn't act involved or show up to birthday parties. The love street goes BOTH ways. Just reach out and show the people in your life that you love them.

We MAKE time for those we love...

Don't just TAKE time - MAKE time for the people who are special to you. Spend meals and vacations together. Go fishing together. Attend plays together. Read a book together. Watch a movie together. Go for a walk together. Just do things together. I love going to play golf and tennis with my brother and nephew. It's become a favorite past-time now with all of us that grew out of my reaching out one day saying "Come play golf with me!"

In my family, not only do we say we love each other often, but we also SHOW each other that we love each other by making special trips and visits to be with each other. We share special meals together. We're there for each other during hard times. We play together. We take vacations together. We make a point to communicate with each other – even when we're busy. Is your family making the effort to SHOW they care as well as SAY they care for each other? If not, why not start this practice today?

Actions speak louder than words...

Here are a few useful ways to SHOW YOU LOVE SOMEONE with your ACTIONS:

1. Write a handwritten note. Notice: I didn't say send a text message. The meaning of taking the time to write a letter still carries far more weight than sending an email or a text message. We've grown so lazy in the modern era! Is an e-card the same as a hallmark birthday card? I hardly think so. People TOUCH a letter. They don't touch their e-cards. I remember when my wife, before we were engaged, sprayed perfume in her letters to me so that I'd remember her smell when reading her love letters to me. Can you SMELL an email? Enough on that. So, yes, put it in writing. I was joking with a friend by my pool last week and said “I think it's hot when a woman writes me a love note, like 'I love you' or 'you made me so hot last night' in lipstick on the mirror, or sticks a little love note under my pillow saying something like 'I think about you...' while I'm sleeping, or creative things like that.” She replied, “I send my fiancée a text message!” What do you think a man is more likely to remember: the lipstick note, the note under the pillow, the note in the lunch pail, the card with perfume, or the text message? So, put it in writing but also make it something memorable by engaging the senses and making it physical!
   
2. Put yourself in front of them. My Dad once told my sister that if she wanted to attract a man, to dress pretty, be smiling and happy, and make sure she stood in front of him at events where he shows up! I recall meeting my last girlfriend that way, when she was standing there at church laughing at my crazy jokes! She later followed me around the appetizer trays as we chatted, and we talked for about forty minutes that first day. Clearly, there was something going on! Are you spending time or finding activities where the person you love is spending their time? I play gigs. I've found that women, when they want to express interest in me, often show up at one of my saxophone gigs. It's a way they're letting me know they're interested and it's probably also fun and casual for them so it is easy for them to put it out there. My sister met David, her eventual husband, at a group event at Campus Crusade for Christ. David and his friend, Chuck, invited Terri and her friend, Susie, to frozen yogurt one night, and then later they went on a double-date to a movie. Chuck put his arm around Suzie, David gave Terri a kiss goodnight, and the rest was history! In one of my all-time favorite movies, It's A Wonderful Life, Mary Hatch, the woman who loves George Bailey, finds a way to go with him to the dance, to spend time around his family, to support him in his dream to “lasso the moon” and pretty much demonstrates, consistently throughout the movie, that she totally loves him lock, stock, and barrel. I wouldn't mind being loved like that, too!
   
3. Do something nice for them. This one is tricky. You want the thing you do to be a favor, not create an expectation. So, use this with discretion. An ex-girlfriend once told me she thought I loved her when I took out the trash. She also said she showed her love to me when she folded my socks in the laundry (I'm color-blind), saving me anguish from wearing a navy sock with a black sock! Those little things sometimes matter. The things we do for each other, baking cookies, cooking a meal, mowing the lawn, bringing soup when they feel bad, giving them a back massage, rubbing their feet, are all ways to show you love someone. In school, I remember I scored points when I offered to carry a girl's books one time. Little things that show you are a gentleman, or a lady, matter. Show up with flowers, chocolate, or some other little small gift. Show up with a CD he likes or some other gift he wants. Do something to show him you care. Dress up for each other and look nice for each other - even after you've been dating for three years!
   
4. Be there when times are tough. When someone is ill, experiences a loss at their job, goes through a tough time at work, loses a friend or loved one, goes through a death in the family, an accident, or any other thing that could be considered a “times are down” moment, it is critical that you show the person you love that you care. Seriously, friends show they are friends by being there – in both the good times and bad! If you love someone, show them you love them. Don't let them down when they're going through a tough time. Be there for the people you love when they go through tough times and you'll prove that you're a loyal, loving companion!
5. Hold hands, hug, kiss, or make love with them. If you want to show someone you care, don't withhold physical affection. Show them you love them by greeting them with a hug and a kiss (a long one if you're already intimate – the 10-second kiss concept helps keep relationships a little spicier!). Touch them, rub their shoulders, pat them on their hip, wrap your arm around them when you're standing by them, and connect with them physically. It is a way to show we are connected, mentally and emotionally, with someone we love, by touching and connecting with them physically. I recently saw a woman and her husband together, and while they were considering a serious decision, I noticed that she rubbed his arm, rubbed his shoulders, smiled at him, gave him encouraging looks.. there was so much in her body language telling him "I love you!" that it was right there on her sleeve!
   
6. Don't withhold your love. If you're still in love with someone, but playing hard to get or distancing yourself, whatever you do get back in there and communicate that you love them! Why would you pull away and cause them to doubt that you care if you truly still DO care for them? And by all means, if you're in a committed adult relationship with someone, do NOT withhold physical affection. If you're holding out, sexually, consider giving your lover sexual love unless it is painful or highly uncomfortable for you to comply or give physical affection due to an injury or illness. I've seen men cheat on women because they withheld sex. I've seen women cheat on men because they were only “getting it” once every two months. If you're in a “love” relationship, why wouldn't you want to “make love” with each other? If you want to show, through your actions, that you love someone, then making love is the most intimate and powerful way you can demonstrate your love for your partner. Of course, make sure you're fully able to trust each other first, then engage in sex as it is appropriate. But, once you're in a sexual relationship, do not then start to withhold or find excuses to avoid sex. It will degrade how you show your love through actions more than anything else you can do. As a friend of mine recently said to his girlfriend "I can deal with all the crazy stuff you put me through if you give me regular sex, but when you withhold sex all I hear and see is the bad stuff." Yes, sex matters.
   
7. Give before you expect to receive. (Or give without expecting to receive.) If you've been holding back, expecting your lover to give to you first, I'd suggest YOU GIVE to them FIRST. Why initiate? Because, by putting it out there you help encourage others to love you the way you would like to be loved. We have a song we play in my band, BODY, called "Give Some to Get Some," which is about this very thing. Give some without expecting anything back, and you might be surprised by what you do get back.

If you want to build more love, yes, it is important to both say "I love you" to your partner AND show them, through your actions, that you're someone they can count on, that you're someone who supports and believes in their dreams, and you're someone who will celebrate the good and bad times, too.

If you're IN LOVE with someone, don't leave it to mystery – or to chance – for them to find out. Take action and SHOW you love them by doing something, right now, to demonstrate your love, and you'll improve the love in your life.

Enjoy this article? You'll also enjoy my article on Fun Dating Ideas here at AspireNow.
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