Why Dating Sucks (and How To Be a Happy Couple)

I just received this two word message in an email to me from a married friend:

"Dating Sucks."

My response:

"I like dating. I assume you meant "dating sucks, generally speaking" or something like that.

Marriage sucks more."

Okay, so if dating sucks, generally, why would marriage suck more, generally speaking? The truth is, they both suck equally. They both can be GREAT equally, too. (Yes, I was teasing my friend.)

The reason why dating or marriage sucks is usually because most people don't know how to be HAPPY. They expect other people, outside events and circumstances -- or luck -- to bring them happiness. This is not how to to become happy.

Being happy leads to happy relationships!

We become happy by creating a kick-ass life and realize our dreams. We become happy for enjoying every moment we are alive. Even when we can't pay bills, our health is sick, or our job is floundering, we relish the joy in being alive. That is the key to being happy. Well, wait a minute, we also become happy by being GRATEFUL for WHAT WE HAVE (not what we want). And how do we do that? By picturing our dreams and then taking the steps to live them out. Underneath that, I'd say "By living in a spiritually blessed way and following the wise ways to accumulate happiness." This is all true.

We become happier in relationships by simply loving where we are when we are and giving more than we expect to give. When we create happy, loving, fun, nurturing, safe, secure, successful environments, our relationships flourish rather than flounder.

Think about it. When are you unhappy in a relationship?

When you're EXPECTING your partner to DO something for you, REMEMBER that little thing you like, or GIVE you in a way you thought they might... sound familiar? It is false expectation and false attachment that undermines the potential happiness in each relationship.

That's why being married can suck, too. Because when people get bored in marriage we stop giving and start expecting and then when we don't get what we want anymore we withdraw and stop giving even more (or less). To my married friends, does this sound familiar? That's why marriage sucks (generally speaking).

Now, don't get me wrong: I've seen bad behavior on dates that would make most men run for the hills. I've seen a woman say she wants you to be a gentleman (then acts slutty). I've seen women say they expect equality (then sit back while I pay for the meal - even though maybe she knew I was broke at the time or maybe I bought the last time). I had a date this past May where the woman was DRUNK when I MET her. Apparently, she needed vodka to get over the fear of the unknown. Talk about a semi-blind date gone horribly wrong. It produced a funny story later, but not a fun experience at the time.

I've seen guys belch on dates, drink too much, ignore their female companion, and other bad things. I've seen a guy put down his woman as if she was a piece of meat. People act horribly when dating. I've even made my own mistakes so don't get me wrong I'm NOT on a soap-box. But, yeah, dating can suck sometimes.

But what kind of struck me strange was when my friend said "dating sucks" in reply to my saying "I was on a date and I'm not going to date her again because I really don't feel the chemistry." To me, that's not a date that sucked. I explored an opportunity, decided I don't want that, and I'll let her down with grace and poise. She's a nice woman. She has a decent job and treats people nice. She has a good sense of humor. She's smart. She just isn't doing it for me in the chemistry department. So, it is better to end it before getting involved intimately. I really don't think that people should expect every date to end in the clouds parting, violins playing, and kisses that leave you weak-knee-silly.

Sure, I'd like to date someone where the bells ring, the birds sing, and the heavens shout for joy... but the last time that happened for me - it didn't for her. That is when dating sucks! But even then, it's a good situation, because at least you know it wasn't an equal match. And, in the end, that's all I really want: an equal in love, joy, adoration, spirit, friendship, and communication.

When we discover that type of love, dating ROCKS!

It happens from time to time... give love a chance even if you've been hurt, okay?

Does that type of relationship exist? SURE! There are 20% of people who are VERY HAPPY in their relationship. And, guess what, there's probably another 20% of people who are happily married. These types of relationships DO exist. It takes a sense of humor, dedication, mutual honesty, and equal communication. It takes trust, respect, and commitment. It takes the chemistry, backed up by all these things, to create it. But I've seen it happen. My sister is married in one of those relationships. And, my friend who said "dating sucks" is in one of those relationships, too. Both of these women love their husbands dearly. And that, to me, is awesome!

If you want a safe relationship, don't threaten the relationship when you have a disagreement or act in a way that would compromise the integrity of the relationship. If you want a fun environment, act and show your partner you can both have fun together and create fun things to do together. If you want a successful environment, be successful in what you do. If you fail, redirect into a path where others are succeeding and go for that opportunity. When you get there, don't slack, but give it your all. That's usually how people succeed anyway. Then, when you're with your honey, express GRATITUDE they are experiencing all of this with you!

Be happy to have happier relationships!

Dating doesn't have to suck. Neither does being married. Just make sure YOU are GIVING what YOU CAN, expecting good things but not expecting mind-readers and miracles, and enjoying every moment. And be happy in who YOU are and what you do with your life. Bring that into your relationship. You'll attract that same happiness back.

If your job sucks, find a job that makes you happy. If your health is down, eat healthier, get your sleep, work-out more often, and get back in shape. If your lifestyle is boring, pick up those hobbies and things you always dreamed of doing when you were younger. It is never too late to begin living your dreams. When dreams become reality is when happiness manifests.

When you're happy, your odds of being happily coupled increase dramatically.
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#3 Biggest Relationship Mistake

When we're in a relationship, we often try to communicate our thoughts openly. However, sometimes we use a "passive-aggressive" approach to our communication, and suggest through that implied communication or need that our partner must take action based upon the passive-aggressive nature of the comment.

This is where this communication tactic leads to long-term failure and break-down in relationships: if we cannot communicate and lead through what we want and mean then we're implying our partner isn't good enough or doing enough. This will put our partner on the defensive and lead to conflict and potential blow-ups!

What is the third mistake couples make that can cause such damage in relationships?

The #3 Biggest Relationship Mistake Couples Make:

Passive-Aggressive communication, rather than leading with what we truly want.

If we could only just say what we want!

Instead, we often SUGGEST what we want, indirectly.

For example, say that the house is a mess. Rather than say "The house is a mess, so I'm going to clean the kitchen and front-room and I'd like you to clean the bathrooms and bedroom" we say "The house is a mess. We need to clean this pig-pen up!"

Notice, it SEEMED like we were owning our part, by saying "we need to clean this up" but the IMPLIED message is "YOU need to clean this up" to the partner who receives this message.

This is what I mean by passive-aggressive communication.

How about you? Are you guilty of using passive aggression to communicate with your partner?

Try saying what you mean and what you really want.

I'd like to go to a play tonight. Will you go with me and buy our tickets? Is much more direct than "Why don't we ever go to any plays... you never take me anywhere."

Here's my question for you:

Do you make statements that IMPLY your partner ought to do something that you want?

When you make statements that imply your partner ought to act in a certain way or do a certain thing, but are not directly asking for what you want, you are not communicating in a way that will build up your love. Rather, you'll likely build up to a conflict in the future.

Want a different approach?

I'd like to recommend a powerful relationship coaching system that utilizes a 4-step cure to problems like "The Biggest Mistake We Make In Relationships = Using Passive-Aggression" developed over the past few years by my affiliate partners, Paul Sterling and Kristin Denton. The Magic Relationship System Paul and Kristin developed is outstanding and I recommend it. Their system is based on Marshall Rosenberg's "Non-violent Communication" along with other systems Paul and Kristin discovered mitigate relationship conflict and bring two lovers closer together.

Dig through their site, learn more, and sign-up for their system all through this link:

Get the Magic Relationship System

Enjoy! Best of success to you in building true love!

Comment below to discuss your own challenges in creating stories and believing in erroneous stories.
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The Dating and Relationship Integrity Quiz

Are you expressing integrity in your dating and relationships?

Even if you *think* you're expressing integrity in your relationships, you might not be. How can you know? Take the following quiz I created this week, then review my comments below on how to improve your actions in integrity to better improve the love you wish to enjoy:

The Relationship Integrity Quiz

1. If you have any misgivings about your relationship, you:

a. Continue to put forth a face that you're committed in the relationship to your partner and sweep the concern under the rug, hoping it will go away with time.
b. End the relationship. Misgivings are a sure sign that the relationship will fail.
c. Ask your partner to "talk" and express the concerns you have openly.
d. Tell your friends about it, but leave your partner in the dark.

2. When your partner brings up a concern, do you

a. Listen, then immediately change to please them.
b. Ignore them. They are always whining about something or another.
c. Hear them, validate what they've said (clarify to ensure you understand), and then come to an agreement about small steps that each partner might take to help better meet their needs in the area they brought up.
d. Deflect the concern back onto them and immediately point out something in them that annoys you, too.

3. You've noticed that you've gone 2 weeks without having sex or expressing a prolonged intimacy (and nothing is going on with your health that would have precluded this). You:

a. Laugh it off. Oh, sex, it's just a small part of dating or being married.
b. Express concern and tell your partner to put up or get out.
c. Discuss the situation with your partner. Ask them if they can think of reasons why expressing physical intimacy might have slipped to the back burner, and proactively find ways to create time to be more intimate.
d. 2 weeks? That's all? Try two months, 2 years, or 2 decades, baby!

4. Your partner asks for a certain type of attention. You respond by:

a. Yawn. They always want that gushy stuff. I've got more serious things to do with life like provide for the family, man!
b. Tell them that you always give them that, why are they complaining?
c. Listen, then make a note to start to show appreciation and attention in the way they requested. You follow-up in two weeks to see if they've noticed the ways you're now showing appreciation for them.
d. Tell them that they need to show you attention, too. Maybe then you could give them what they want. Why don't they do (xyz...) for you? Sheez!

5. Your partner says that they are irritated because you're talking over them. You respond by:

a. Interrupting and telling them they don't know what they're talking about.
b. Ignoring them. What they say isn't really that important, anyway.
c. Listening, apologizing, then making a point to let them speak and hearing them out before putting your thoughts out there into the conversation.
d. Laugh it off. They just don't know a poet when they hear one!

6. You're trying to include your partner in various aspects of your life dreams: family, interests, friends, work, and so forth. They demonstrate either a lack of interest or the experience is even negative. You:

a. Tell them that if they love you they have to love....(xyz interest/dream)
b. Dump them! They ought to accept and love the same stuff you do, after all.
c. Talk about the concern and determine if there is a reason they expressed a negative or lack of interest in the dream you want to realize. Discuss options of doing small things in the future to make the situation more enjoyable for both of you.
d. Blow it off. They like some things, but you'll just do your own thing anyway! That's why there's shopping, sports, poker night, and girl's night out, baby!

7. Your partner crossed you in public on an issue that there was no apparent reason for them to not back you on. You:

a. Tell them they are rude and yell at them.
b. End the relationship. How dare they!
c. Discuss the concern. Find out why they crossed you. Discuss ways to make sure they show respect for you in the future, and how you can both better respect each other.
d. Ignore them or point out how they crossed you just 5 minutes earlier. So they beat you to it, so what?

8. If you've expressed that you are dating each other exclusively or in a committed relationship, and you find your partner has a voice mail, a note, or other suspicious behavior going on, you:

a. Blow up! How could they cheat on you!
b. Dump them. There's no place for infidelity in any relationship.
c. Ask them what is going on with the message, note, or activity. Discuss what they are looking for in the present relationship that might be missing or could be improved. Then, take actions to give more of that. Follow-up with them in two weeks to find out if things are better so that they don't feel the need to encourage outside distractions.
d. Flirt with someone else as soon as they leave. That will teach them!

9. Your partner expresses concern about your friends, children, or parents. You:

a. Tell them "It's my life. Complain now you might as well walk out forever!"
b. End the relationship. Your family and friends are more important than this partner, anyway.
c. Discuss the concern, hear their issue, validate their concern, and agree to take small steps towards improving the situation with them. Follow-up in two weeks to see how things are progressing.
d. My friends? My kids? My parents? Oh My God! You should see theirs!!

10. You're finding your self either giving too much money or taking money from your partner in ways you didn't originally think you would. You:

a. Keep giving (or taking). Hey, it's a dog-eat-dog world, baby.
b. End the relationship. People ought to be equal, not give or take too much.
c. Discuss what's going on with material things. Discover the root of the issue, and find small steps to improve and grow finances and possessions together as a team. Follow-up in a brief time to see how things are getting better.
d. They DO take from me. I'll just take something of theirs, silly.

*****

Okay, so you've completed the quiz. Now, I want you to notice how I structured this quiz.

If you find your responses in the "C" category on each of these questions, then you're handling your relationship with integrity. You're clearly communicating well, resolving conflicts as good as most people, and making progress in your relationship. Right on!! The "C" answers in this quiz are the healthiest way I could think of in each situation to maximize (a) validating each other's concerns, (b) resolving conflict proactively, (c) developing more honesty, intimacy, and integrity, and (d) growing closer together over time.

If you found any or many of your answers outside the "C" category, I'll point out what each of the other categories can get you and what they mean:

"A" answers: Answers to the Integrity Quiz are one of two flavors: Passive responses that indicate you'll hope the problem will just solve itself, or Aggressive answers that cause more flame-ups. If you found yourself answering "A" often, you need to look at your communication style. If your style is Passive, then you're likely going to feel somewhat repressed over time and resentments will build up towards your partner. This is a breach of integrity. You need to come forth, listen more actively, and take more action towards healthy give-and-take in your relationship. You need to communicate more openly and say what you want. Rather than just trying things, get to the root of why you are trying and operate in a new way.

If your style is Aggressive, you need to ask if the aggression serves you and your partner? More than likely, your style is repressing your partner and creating more conflict than resolution. Aggression, out of control, is not integrity in dating or relationships. Find why you respond with anger or yelling and discover ways of communicating that validate both you and your partner and you'll build more integrity in your relationship.

"B" answers: If your answers are predominantly "B", then you have a real issue with commitment. Your first reaction to problems is to run away or dump your partner. If you're choosing this option, you're not really choosing to have integrity in your relationships, despite whatever you think. Instead, you're choosing to act like you're right, and making everyone else wrong. Instead of running away or cutting bait, why not find ways to validate, hear, learn, act proactively, and grow more integrity in commitment with your relationship? You'll find your relationship will be more healthy if you learn these skills.

"D" answers: If your answers are predominantly "D", you are acting in a way that is completely self-centered and out of integrity with your relationship. You either think you're right or have such low self-esteem that you're treating others disrespectfully and not really resolving anything. Your deflection of concerns is a mask for this. In addition, you aren't "owning" your partners concerns. In many cases, you out-and-out act out anyway just to prove you can. It is amazing your partner is still with you, frankly. If you want a healthy relationship, you might consider learning more about "C" answers and how to develop respect, trust, and real love in your relationship.

If you're finding some of your answers straying outside of "C" answers, why not take a fresh look at how you manage your relationship and see if there isn't room for improvement. Many people can have and grow the love they seek simply by committing to and taking small steps each day towards each other, resolving conflicts in a healthy way, and growing towards each other in love.

If you enjoyed this article, you may also enjoy:

The Intimacy, Love, and Dating Scale, by Jessica Haynes
What Makes A Person Great, by Scott Andrews
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Taking Time To Love Our Own Self

Have you ever experienced the feeling like you were pulled to give time to a dating partner or life partner instead of loving your self?

I recently discovered that I'd been jumping back into dating too soon after a relationship breakup. How did I know this? Well, because, with every person I met to date I found they were either (a) emotionally unavailable, (b) seeking rescue, (c) expressing they were into me (and I wasn't them), and/or (d) expressing they were not into me (and I was them). Whatever the situation, I noticed that I was pushing too much. And, when I got there, I had little desire to pursue it further.


Why? Because I hadn't resolved my feelings in my previous relationship.

I think it is normal to still feel "in love" with a partner, even when they are gone, especially if there was a strong chemistry element to the relationship. However, being in love with someone else means you are NOT emotionally available to date anyone NEW. In other words, dating anyone new when you're still in love with someone else only sabotages any chance at a real connection with that person.

When I realized this was my situation, I decided to pull back from dating and focus on taking time for self. I've done it before: after my divorce with Judi (1993) and again after my breakup with Trisha (1999), I took some time for my self and found it time well spent. I also took that time again between 2002 and 2006, to a large extent, and also found that useful for personal development. If you find yourself working on falling out of love with another and back into love with your self, take some time - it will do you good.

I'm not someone who enjoys excessive time alone. But I do find it worthwhile when between relationships to stop looking for answers outside of me and instead remember to LOVE ME AGAIN and realize that all the answers to my personal happiness lie inside me. The spirit of God inside me provides all the happiness I need to be fulfilled. It is true for everyone. When you love yourself, then you are truly ready to love another person again!

So, if you're finding yourself caught in demands for your love and affection and your heart just isn't in it, perhaps you might take some time out for yourself. Remember, any time we want to love someone else, and have them love us, too, it is critical that we love our own self first.
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Are You In Love?

Do you believe in love? Are you in love with someone special?

Have you let them know it lately?

There are many ways to say “I love you” to someone. When considering love, it can be a feeling, a thought, a spoken word or phrase, a gesture, or a solid action demonstrating love clearly exists from one person to another.

What Is This Strange Feeling we call LOVE?

If you feel that you love someone, you're likely either feeling a sense of “belonging” or a sense of “loyalty” or a sense of “passion” for that person. Have you ever seen someone who “felt” in love with someone but never told them how they felt? What were they waiting for?

Sometimes, we don't share our feelings with others because we are afraid that we might be rejected. Or, we may have been hurt by a lover in the past and now feel the fear that this new person may not work out, either. Last, perhaps we've already given it a go with a special person and had less than the desired success with the relationship, and feel that going back in might cause more hurt in the future. In any event, there are reasons why people sometimes do not express their feelings of love for each other. However, I will point out that in most of these instances, it is FEAR that stops people from sharing their feelings with each other.

In case you've missed some of my other articles on this subject, FEAR blocks LOVE. You can't have your optimum relationship airplane take-off with fear on board the plane! FEAR works like a DRAG on any relationship. So, if FEAR is stopping you, I'd say to RELEASE the FEAR! Once you've released the fear you will free your soul of the burden that blocks your conscious self from expressing your true feelings. At that point you will be able to express your love freely with the person you love.

How can we express the love we feel?

Once you've decided to express your feelings, you now have choices. You can either SAY how you feel, or you can SHOW how you feel.

Say it loud, say it proud!

"I LOVE YOU!"

When we say “I LOVE YOU,” we are expressing our feelings in the most direct and sincere way possible. We could still say, “I care about you” or “I dig hanging out with you” or “you're a lot of fun” but all of those ways of expressing feelings could just as easily be feelings of friendship as feelings of love. If you want to say “I love you” to another person, why not just come out and say these three magic words?

Now, if you're like me, you probably appreciate hearing when another person says “I love you” to you. So, go for it, put it out there, and let your heart strings play their tune.

Have you told someone you care about deeply that you love them?

If you were hurt in the past, you've got to move beyond that hurt, put the fear behind you, and embrace saying how you feel IN THE MOMENT now. When you can do this, you will experience MORE love in your life – I'm certain of it. If you sense people arguing, why not step in and offer a bridge towards faith, hope, and love in the GOOD of things. When we work as a team, support each other, and offer encouragement, life is SO MUCH BETTER!

In my family, we all say “I love you” when parting. We do this frequently – I'd say about 30% of our conversations end with “I love you” stuck in there some place. I don't know if I've been as good with my relationships. For some reason, I'm a bit non-committal and don't always say how I feel when I love a woman. I've made a new resolution in 2008 that from now on, when I feel it, and we have engaged in a committed relationship, I will say "I Love You" much more often. If you feel like you love someone special, tell them. You might have something to lose, but we certainly can't win anything if we don't play the game of life. And playing means jumping in and saying something.

Don't just say it - SHOW IT!

Now, you may also feel better if the person also SHOWED you how much they love you as well as TOLD YOU how much they loved you. After all, we can't play if we don't interact.

My sister once told me that children base their judgment of how much you love them by how much TIME you spend with them, doing things together. Is it any different for teenagers, college kids, thirty-somethings, mid-life adults, or elderly? I read in an advice column last week how a Grandmother felt her love was rejected and didn't matter because the kids and grand kids weren't showing appreciation for the time she was investing towards them. On the other hand, I've also read about mothers trying to get their kids exposure to a grandmother who didn't act involved or show up to birthday parties. The love street goes BOTH ways. Just reach out and show the people in your life that you love them.

We MAKE time for those we love...

Don't just TAKE time - MAKE time for the people who are special to you. Spend meals and vacations together. Go fishing together. Attend plays together. Read a book together. Watch a movie together. Go for a walk together. Just do things together. I love going to play golf and tennis with my brother and nephew. It's become a favorite past-time now with all of us that grew out of my reaching out one day saying "Come play golf with me!"

In my family, not only do we say we love each other often, but we also SHOW each other that we love each other by making special trips and visits to be with each other. We share special meals together. We're there for each other during hard times. We play together. We take vacations together. We make a point to communicate with each other – even when we're busy. Is your family making the effort to SHOW they care as well as SAY they care for each other? If not, why not start this practice today?

Actions speak louder than words...

Here are a few useful ways to SHOW YOU LOVE SOMEONE with your ACTIONS:

1. Write a handwritten note. Notice: I didn't say send a text message. The meaning of taking the time to write a letter still carries far more weight than sending an email or a text message. We've grown so lazy in the modern era! Is an e-card the same as a hallmark birthday card? I hardly think so. People TOUCH a letter. They don't touch their e-cards. I remember when my wife, before we were engaged, sprayed perfume in her letters to me so that I'd remember her smell when reading her love letters to me. Can you SMELL an email? Enough on that. So, yes, put it in writing. I was joking with a friend by my pool last week and said “I think it's hot when a woman writes me a love note, like 'I love you' or 'you made me so hot last night' in lipstick on the mirror, or sticks a little love note under my pillow saying something like 'I think about you...' while I'm sleeping, or creative things like that.” She replied, “I send my fiancée a text message!” What do you think a man is more likely to remember: the lipstick note, the note under the pillow, the note in the lunch pail, the card with perfume, or the text message? So, put it in writing but also make it something memorable by engaging the senses and making it physical!
   
2. Put yourself in front of them. My Dad once told my sister that if she wanted to attract a man, to dress pretty, be smiling and happy, and make sure she stood in front of him at events where he shows up! I recall meeting my last girlfriend that way, when she was standing there at church laughing at my crazy jokes! She later followed me around the appetizer trays as we chatted, and we talked for about forty minutes that first day. Clearly, there was something going on! Are you spending time or finding activities where the person you love is spending their time? I play gigs. I've found that women, when they want to express interest in me, often show up at one of my saxophone gigs. It's a way they're letting me know they're interested and it's probably also fun and casual for them so it is easy for them to put it out there. My sister met David, her eventual husband, at a group event at Campus Crusade for Christ. David and his friend, Chuck, invited Terri and her friend, Susie, to frozen yogurt one night, and then later they went on a double-date to a movie. Chuck put his arm around Suzie, David gave Terri a kiss goodnight, and the rest was history! In one of my all-time favorite movies, It's A Wonderful Life, Mary Hatch, the woman who loves George Bailey, finds a way to go with him to the dance, to spend time around his family, to support him in his dream to “lasso the moon” and pretty much demonstrates, consistently throughout the movie, that she totally loves him lock, stock, and barrel. I wouldn't mind being loved like that, too!
   
3. Do something nice for them. This one is tricky. You want the thing you do to be a favor, not create an expectation. So, use this with discretion. An ex-girlfriend once told me she thought I loved her when I took out the trash. She also said she showed her love to me when she folded my socks in the laundry (I'm color-blind), saving me anguish from wearing a navy sock with a black sock! Those little things sometimes matter. The things we do for each other, baking cookies, cooking a meal, mowing the lawn, bringing soup when they feel bad, giving them a back massage, rubbing their feet, are all ways to show you love someone. In school, I remember I scored points when I offered to carry a girl's books one time. Little things that show you are a gentleman, or a lady, matter. Show up with flowers, chocolate, or some other little small gift. Show up with a CD he likes or some other gift he wants. Do something to show him you care. Dress up for each other and look nice for each other - even after you've been dating for three years!
   
4. Be there when times are tough. When someone is ill, experiences a loss at their job, goes through a tough time at work, loses a friend or loved one, goes through a death in the family, an accident, or any other thing that could be considered a “times are down” moment, it is critical that you show the person you love that you care. Seriously, friends show they are friends by being there – in both the good times and bad! If you love someone, show them you love them. Don't let them down when they're going through a tough time. Be there for the people you love when they go through tough times and you'll prove that you're a loyal, loving companion!
5. Hold hands, hug, kiss, or make love with them. If you want to show someone you care, don't withhold physical affection. Show them you love them by greeting them with a hug and a kiss (a long one if you're already intimate – the 10-second kiss concept helps keep relationships a little spicier!). Touch them, rub their shoulders, pat them on their hip, wrap your arm around them when you're standing by them, and connect with them physically. It is a way to show we are connected, mentally and emotionally, with someone we love, by touching and connecting with them physically. I recently saw a woman and her husband together, and while they were considering a serious decision, I noticed that she rubbed his arm, rubbed his shoulders, smiled at him, gave him encouraging looks.. there was so much in her body language telling him "I love you!" that it was right there on her sleeve!
   
6. Don't withhold your love. If you're still in love with someone, but playing hard to get or distancing yourself, whatever you do get back in there and communicate that you love them! Why would you pull away and cause them to doubt that you care if you truly still DO care for them? And by all means, if you're in a committed adult relationship with someone, do NOT withhold physical affection. If you're holding out, sexually, consider giving your lover sexual love unless it is painful or highly uncomfortable for you to comply or give physical affection due to an injury or illness. I've seen men cheat on women because they withheld sex. I've seen women cheat on men because they were only “getting it” once every two months. If you're in a “love” relationship, why wouldn't you want to “make love” with each other? If you want to show, through your actions, that you love someone, then making love is the most intimate and powerful way you can demonstrate your love for your partner. Of course, make sure you're fully able to trust each other first, then engage in sex as it is appropriate. But, once you're in a sexual relationship, do not then start to withhold or find excuses to avoid sex. It will degrade how you show your love through actions more than anything else you can do. As a friend of mine recently said to his girlfriend "I can deal with all the crazy stuff you put me through if you give me regular sex, but when you withhold sex all I hear and see is the bad stuff." Yes, sex matters.
   
7. Give before you expect to receive. (Or give without expecting to receive.) If you've been holding back, expecting your lover to give to you first, I'd suggest YOU GIVE to them FIRST. Why initiate? Because, by putting it out there you help encourage others to love you the way you would like to be loved. We have a song we play in my band, BODY, called "Give Some to Get Some," which is about this very thing. Give some without expecting anything back, and you might be surprised by what you do get back.

If you want to build more love, yes, it is important to both say "I love you" to your partner AND show them, through your actions, that you're someone they can count on, that you're someone who supports and believes in their dreams, and you're someone who will celebrate the good and bad times, too.

If you're IN LOVE with someone, don't leave it to mystery – or to chance – for them to find out. Take action and SHOW you love them by doing something, right now, to demonstrate your love, and you'll improve the love in your life.

Enjoy this article? You'll also enjoy my article on Fun Dating Ideas here at AspireNow.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Do Children Make It Harder To Date?

I've done some poking around lately on dating websites and noticed that some women are really upset at men for pre-judging them simply because they parent two children about to enter their teenage years. This also goes for women pre-judging guys who say "spending time with their child" is one of their top three passions.

Well, as a guy who dated women with children in their pre-teen (and in their teenage years) I can understand and empathize with the challenges of dating a parent. But why does parenting children make it harder for you to date new suitors? I'll illuminate the challenges and some solutions to those challenges in this article.

7 Reasons Why Your Children Make It Harder To Date You:

1. "My child comes first."

Both men and women, but especially women, make this statement. If you're single, and considering someone else to date, do you really want to hear that you're going to be second to someone else's kid? Probably not. Not only that, but oftentimes the parent has disparaging things to say about their ex-husband or ex-wife. Considering this child might just be the demon seed of that ex, perhaps the thought runs through the mind of this new potential suitor "Could this child come first and cause serious problems? YES!" And, often, that pre-judgment would not be wrong. In my opinion, people who put their children first in any situation run the risk of losing a partner. Why? Because the child is NOT the child of the partner. In a relationship, the partner must come first (after God) and the children after that - except for in matters of care. Read more about my position on this matter here.

2. The child may behave poorly.

Well, I know you think your child is perfect because they've been bringing home finger-painted pictures that show you and them and words like "I love Mom" or "My Dad Rocks" on it. Some kids are really sweet and fun to be around. However, some other children often counterbalance those sweet messages with selfish, demanding, and rude behavior. If you're single and don't have a kid, embracing the idea of bringing a poorly behaved child into your life just to date their hot mother or father sort of tarnishes the idea of the new relationship and makes you more than a bit "less" hot. Does this make sense to you?

3. Watching your kid play soccer may not be their cup-of-tea.

I've seen enough soccer games when my ex-wife took me to her niece and nephew's soccer games to last a lifetime. Add to that a couple of ex-girlfriends whose kid also played soccer, and I'm pretty much played-out on watching a kid roll around a ball for three hours on a Saturday, when I could be out on a walk on the beach, playing my sax at a gig, working on a blog post, writing a book, helping a client, bicycling, swimming, skiing, dancing, or anything else under the sun that sounds much more enjoyable. I don't think I'm selfish. I just don't really want to watch children's soccer games. Yet, I've noticed that single parents expect their new partner to get involved and watch junior play their beloved soccer game every week in the Fall season. I use soccer for an example, but it could be basketball, track, football, gymnastics, or any other event, too. Your potential partner is considering this when you tell them "My child comes first" and then follow it with "Taking little Jimmy to soccer games...". While it is easy to get ticked at the man or woman who doesn't want to do that and label them selfish, consider that every dating activity is a CHOICE and maybe it isn't selfish and non-supportive, at all. It is just personal preference of how we wish to spend our life.

4. Pre-teen children become teenage children.

For anyone who has raised teenagers, with their selfish, outrageous hormone-driven behavior, both parents and non-parents alike often proclaim the challenges of these difficult years. I remember my own father laying awake at night, worrying about my brother or me when we stayed out late doing God-only-knew-what, at least as far as Dad was concerned. Teenagers cause their parents a bit of stress, which might factor into the equation in your partner's head when they're considering dating you. For example, a partner may consider any time they see a problem with authorities in your child's behavior and wonder "Would I get a bill from the fire or police department for damage caused by this kid?" Marriage is a "community property" deal. Most dating partners know this and many may not want to increase their liability in raising a child simply to date you.

5. Your time is not your own.

I've seen this message driven home harshly, when I was on a date with a woman who mothered a 13-year-old daughter who demanded more than I could imagine. It was our third date. Her daughter called her five times during one hour with me while she was at my house for dinner. That was also our last date. Do you really think it mattered to me what her daughter was calling about? It was rude to me, for sure, for the mother to continually answer those phone calls. It wasn't an emergency. It was a problem with respect and setting proper boundaries. What did I read out of it: RED FLAG - trouble ahead. Wind the clock forward three years and guess what? The kid is giving the mother a lot worse trouble now!

Your partner is watching behavior by your child. Yes, they're paying attention to what your kid does. But, guess what? They're also watching what YOU do. When your child demands time from you when you ought to be focused on your date, this is a detriment to dating you - especially when you're not honoring your clear boundaries. Not only that, but many single parents only have about four (that's right, FOUR) nights a month without children. If they have the kids all the time or the common "every-other-weekend" arrangement with the ex, then they don't have much time for their partner on a one-on-one basis. That means only four to six nights a month to be INTIMATE without worrying about if the children will hear you make love or whatever. If your partner enjoys intimacy more than this, dating you (and your children) might be a challenge.

6. More mouths to feed, clothes to buy, college institution fees to pay, cars to buy.

Children are expensive. Your partner might be considering the cost of feeding and paying for you AND your children and deciding that it will just be too costly. Can you really get mad at them for considering the practical reality that raising children isn't cheap?

7. Being a successful step-parent is largely dependent upon you.

Not only that, but there's multiple personalities to balance. Most single parents really have their hands full. Really, I mean it and I have tremendous respect for any parent trying to bring home the bacon, cook the meals, keep an organized and harmonious household, AND be a hot and sexy dating partner. It's hard to pull off being a stellar single parent. I think it is critical that the parent involve the new partner in a step role when it is appropriate (not too early) and yet also they MUST set fair-play ground rules with their children. I've seen this handled well about 10% of the time, and poorly 90% of the time. While I don't say I'm an expert as a step-parent, I can bet that many people who've dated others with kids have seen this, too, and might just consider it a low-odds scenario. When we date others, we're looking for high odds. It is hard enough to date someone successfully when there's just two people involved, let alone three, four, or more.

Now, while there are challenges in being a single parent, there ARE solutions to these concerns. From my experience, and suggestions from experts I've studied over the past couple of years, I can suggest trying the following to minimize the challenges of dating as a single parent:

How to make it easier to date when you have children:

1. Put your partner first and establish clear boundaries for time you dedicate to them.

Many single parents do a poor job with setting and establishing boundaries with their children and their new dating partner. Don't make that mistake. Instead, establish the boundary up front and hold to those boundaries firmly. Be consistent! Make sure there are rewards for successful honoring and reprimands for breaking your boundaries and always follow through consistently with getting what you truly want from your children. Put God first, your partner second, and your kids third, and you'll create a more harmonious household for all of the parties involved.

2. Resolve deep troubles before dating anyone.

Even though your child may be sweet and loving to you, the behavior problems that already exist with you get worse when you introduce someone new. If you see a repeated problem with your child (a) showing defiant behavior and not minding adults, (b) exhibiting destructive patterns (verbal abuse, hitting others, wrecking possessions, etc.), (c) not respecting boundaries, then investigate ways to learn to deal with defiant behavior, resolving conflict in destructive behavior, and respecting boundaries before bringing in a new partner. If you can't get your child to respect you, how can you expect your partner to fare any better?

3. Have your own life, too.

Try not to create a lifestyle completely wrapped around your children. What's the solution? Creating a life of your own. It is important for you to maintain your own life as much as it is to be a parent. If you don't have time for a sitter established, and if you don't have time designated as your own, you're likely going to run into problems with managing a dating lifestyle. Establish time respect prior to any new relationship and your children won't freak out as much when you introduce someone new into their life, because they're already used to you doing your own thing sometimes. Make sure your children always respect your time and don't interrupt it with phone calls, text messages, or barging into your room unannounced. If you respect your time, they will start to respect you more, too.

4. Practice sound financial judgment.

If you're running into credit card problems or other types of debt issues, you're creating a problem for your partner to fix. Don't be a victim! Instead, be someone who empowers you and your children to a better lifestyle. Invest in your children's college education BEFORE you need it (start when they are born). Put money aside for your children's clothing, medical, and transportation needs so that your partner isn't burdened with these things. That way, you're entering the relationship empowered, healthy, and without any additional burden to your partner. If you can accomplish financial strength, you'll be a catch rather than a possible liability.

5. Encourage positive interactions between your children and other adults.

As much as children can cause concern, they can also be a true JOY to be around. I've seen some children who are so well-behaved, sweet, and kind to others they make me yearn for more children of my own. Do your children do this? If so, you're on the right path! If your partner can see themselves gaining through the interaction with your children, instead of losing their path, you're likely to create a much more harmonious environment for ALL of you.

6. Respect ANY and ALL positive interactions with your partner in a step role.

I've been in situations where it was expected and demanded that I accept children, share, and involve the kids in my life and get involved in their life, too. I've also been in situations where my accepting the child wasn't appreciated very much. Instead, I felt judged for ways I didn't match the mother's expectations. Try to minimize judgment and maximize positive support. It is healthiest when you recognize that all interaction from your partner with your child is not an expectation but rather a CHOICE. Make sure you make the request but allow it to be your partner's choice exactly how much they want to get involved in your child's life. When they do get involved, show them appreciation for the things they do well. It will matter to them and help reinforce the positive interaction that builds more love between everyone if you do show appreciation for the positive interactions.

As much as children can make it harder to date, if you establish your boundaries, create an environment that is loving, supportive, fun, and about EVERY person's needs, not just the children, you're so much more likely to attract people to you who love children and want them in their life. Personally, any woman who had children, but they were cute, behaved well, and respected both of us would be a blessing, not baggage. So, take the steps to make sure you can date more easily through building a healthy and functional relationship with your children, starting today!
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Jumping Back Into Dating?

I recently went out with some friends for a special event. Before the event, I hesitated to go. Why? Well, because before this event every attempt at going out and having fun had been tainted by my recent relationship breakup. It seemed like every time I tried to go out and have fun, I'd think about *her* and make myself miserable. Sure, I could have some fun. But I was really trying to fake it and just get through the pain of the breakup and perhaps the feelings of still "being in love" with my ex-girlfriend.

With dating, though, as in all things, there comes a point where you have to just feel the pain and go out again, anyway. If you really loved someone, you'll still feel something - perhaps even a feeling of "betraying" the trust you had with your former partner, by dating someone new. If this feeling is overwhelmingly strong, you probably aren't yet ready to date anyone new. So, be alert to your inner heart and soul communication.

Yet, in time, those funny feelings and feelings of betrayal will fade. New memories will fill up the space of your dating memory bank, and although the old memories will always be there, the new memories will become more important in the forefront of your mind. While it isn't easy to jump back into the dating game, at some point, you've got to do it, right? Unless, of course, you're comfortable being single the rest of your life. Personally, I enjoy love, friendship, and companionship that comes with relationships. So, I'd rather be dating than not dating. That's me.

Recently, I found that by experimenting and creating a few dates showed me again, ever so clearly, what I *don't* want in relationships. I can attract women easily enough, but I need to be cognizant of what I want, for sure. Yeah, a couple of those recent dates didn't quite end in bliss (some do, some don't, next!). The old cliche that "you have to kiss enough frogs to find the prince" also holds true for women, apparently. However, one woman, in particular, gave me a nudge towards what I DO want from my relationships.

You see, I went ahead and went to the event (a cruise with salsa dancing as the main event) and had the time of my life! My date, arranged for me by my salsa instructors, was a pleasant surprise: smart, pretty, sexy, and well-dressed. Not only that, but she's super fun and definitely a better dancer than I am. Anyway, we had a great time. While I can't say at this point where the new relationship will lead, I can say I'm quite glad I put myself back out there again.

If you're a guy, it is a little harder to get back into dating. After all, men have to take the initiative in dating and ASK women out (usually). If you were dumped or rejected it will be harder, also, because you've got to beef up your power and self-esteem to be the confident man with swagger that attracts women. My advice: begin with small steps.

Guys: if you're sitting at home, not doing much dating, it is totally up to you to begin to ask women out again and start to date anew. I recommend you ask women out with the sole (soul?) purpose to just have fun. Don't try to take her to bed or anything like that. Just have a good time. In time, you'll start meeting people that will stir your desire for more. Gals: if you're sitting at home and wondering when or if you'll ever date again, it probably won't be long before someone asks you out IF you're sending out signals that you're available. Put yourself in places where you're most likely to meet a man who you'd like to date, and if you're friendly and having fun, as well as looking good, you'll probably get asked out. It starts with a smile, a hello, and a "sure, I'd love to" when someone asks you out. Of course, make sure you DO want to go out with whoever asks you. And, whatever you do, don't go to bed with anyone who doesn't seem right to you, in your heart, mind, and soul. Take your time!

I'm new in the dating scene again, but I am quite certain of what I want in my next relationship. Can you relate? If so, you probably won't need a huge downtime or "time alone" to figure out who you are or what you want, so go ahead and date. Another way to test the waters is to go out in a group. It's safer, easier, and there's less chance you'll do something stupid you'll regret later. If you're really worried you'll do something you're not ready for, keep your dates limited to public places, and don't go to their house or have them come over to your place, either.

If you're not freaking out over the feelings from your past relationship, and you're clear on what you want and sure that what you're sending out is what you want to attract, then you're probably ready to date again. If not, just take it easy. Everything will come naturally within time. Don't rush anything new and make sure to be true to your heart and your dating experiences will get easier and easier as you move towards want you want in dating and love.

How can you know you're not? Well, if you've made it this far through this particular article, my gut tells me you might need a little more time. (Yep, when I wrote it, I sure did!) How much time? How about this:

1. When you no longer read their horoscope.
2. When you go a few days without thinking about them or talking about them.
3. When you can only think of the new person you wish to date.

When you can check "yes" to each of the above, you're ready to date someone new again.

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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Dating and Relationship Tips Learned From Salsa Dancing

Lately, I've been getting quite engaged with Salsa dancing. Why? Salsa dancing is fun, good exercise, healthy, and challenging! Second, I love the music. Cuban, Cha-Cha, Afro music is fun to dance to. I've lost 12 pounds in 6 weeks since embarking on my recent classes Salsa dancing, so it is also a good workout!

There is another benefit to Salsa dancing: gaining a better understanding of dating and relationships. By dancing Salsa, you can learn more about how to relate with the opposite sex, how to be a "healthy" partner, how to be a stronger man, and how to be a more complete woman.

This past year, a member of CPSalsa.com sent me the following list of dancing tips for Salsa dancers: "I'm sure that most of you have heard of the saying that ignorance is bliss. Therefore, by inference, the less I know, the happier I am. Of course, in the salsa dancing world this is pure rubbish. You may be happy, but your dancing partner may be secretly formulating a plan to gouge out your eyeballs. To avoid this situation, you absolutely need to know what works and what doesn't on the dance floor. As G.I. Joe proclaims, "Knowing is half the battle".

So in your battle to become that salsa stud or salsa diva on the dance floor, I managed to gather up a list of dance floor pet peeves and other things people actually love about their dance partner for your reading pleasure. These are in no particular order.

Dancing Pet Peeves

1. Not looking at your partner or holding eye contact while dancing. In other words, you're easily distracted.
2. Not dancing to the level of your partner. In other words, you're a showoff.
3. Bad breath. Come on people, we sell mints for crying out loud!
4. Really sweaty shirts. This one's subjective but it's always a good idea to keep an extra set of clothes handy.
5. Loose arms. This one's for the ladies. They call it spaghetti arms for a reason.
6. Ladies who come to a dance, but don't dance. I'm still trying to figure this one out.
7. Instructors who don't dance with beginners. Those spoiled instructors.
8. Couples who invade another couple's dance area. Not cool man!
9. Followers who apologize too much.
10. A guy who dances with the same lady more than twice in a row.
11. Too strong of a lead. Guys: Know thy strength.
12. Guys who think they are Salsa Heaven's gift to women. Guess what? You're not.

Alright, so let's not dwell too much on the negative. I'm sure you get the picture. Essentially, don't be an easily distracted showoff with bad breath and you should be fine. Now , let's dive into what people love about their partners.

I really love it when my dance partner....

1. Makes conversation with me.
2. Protects me on the dance floor.
3. Does simple but elegant moves.
4. Has engaging eyes.
5. Isn't easily distracted by other happenings on the dance floor.
6. Doesn't correct me on the dance floor.
7. Smells good.
8. Leads gently.
9. Thanks me after the dance.
10. Looks like she's having fun.
11. Makes me feel like I'm the best dancer on the floor.
12. Admits to their own mistakes and doesn't fault their partner.
13. Does shines and arm styling.
14. Encourages me.
15. Twirls me a lot.
16. Patient and helpful with a smile
17. Is confident.
18. Asks me to dance and isn't a wallflower.
19. Smiles through perspiration.

So, what can we learn from this list, as dancing might improve our dating and relationships?

Dating and relationship qualities features I noticed include:

• Confident: Confidence is sexy in men AND women. Know what you want to do, why you want to do it, and approach it with inner strength.
  
• Good eye contact: The eyes have it - we can always improve our dating and relationships by using "engaging eye contact" and not letting our eyeballs strain to other people, events, or distractions. Be present with your eyes, and you'll improve your relationships.
  
• Men - protect your women: Women like strong men because they enjoy being protected. This doesn't mean being a jerk to other people, just protect your partner's space. In addition, don't invade other people's space. This could go for people who cheat with their partner's friends, family members, or associates. Don't do it!
  
• Women - engage your men: show up, be excited, invite him, and respond to his requests. Be involved with style: Show-up, get involved, be simple, elegant, and restrained (no need to show off).
  
• Deal with mistakes politely: Correct in private, praise in public. Good advice from Dale Carnegie applies everywhere! Admitting to mistakes easily without blame is a good policy for dating and relationships, too. Have patience with each other and encourage when you experience something good together.
  
• Have fun: Twirls? I relate this to having fun. How often do you take your woman out and keep her active? Have fun with each other, surprise each other, make love often, kiss each other, and let your partner shine. Have fun and act like you're having fun. Have you ever been around someone who forgets to laugh, shake their hips a little, and greet you in a happy way? Remember to do this dancing AND in relationships!
  
• Be a good conversationalist: I've always felt there is a natural lead and follow in conversation, much like in dancing. Be open to your partner's thoughts and ideas and you'll have better relationships. Be encouraging, open, supportive.
  
• Look good, smell good: Practice good hygiene and nice dress. These things are basics but you'd be surprised how many people date looking like a slob or let themselves go in relationship. If you're finding yourself in sweats together hanging out on the couch, dress up, get out, and do something fun together! If you have bad breath, do something about it...maintain good hygiene and you'll likely keep your partner interested.
  
• Smile and be nice even through adversity: You'll notice from the dancing tips they suggest to smile through perspiration. Even when things are tough, don't stress on each other, keep it light, keep it fun, keep smiling and loving each other.
  
• Make each other feel special: Both men and women must make each other feel special. Men ought to make their woman feel like she's the only woman that matters to him, and women must act as their man is someone they enjoy and have fun with, as well as encouraging him.
  
• Show gratitude: Are you showing gratitude? Do you say "thank you" and write thank you notes frequently? Gratitude is a way of showing appreciation. Say thank you. Show you are into it, and initiate on your own, too.

As you see, you can improve your dating and relationship success by dancing Salsa (and probably West-Coast Swing, Argentine Tango, Rumba, Ballroom, East-Coast Swing, Night Club 2-Step, and other dancing styles). Use what you learn about dancing to gain insights into how to relate with the opposite sex, how to be a "healthy" partner, how to be a more dynamic, confident, and fun person to be with.

Use these tips in your own dating and relationships to increase your success with love and happiness.
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Want to learn more about Salsa Dancing? (Read on!)

Salsa can even be fun for kids to improve their interdynamic relationships. You'll notice all the fun group interaction when you check this out:



This is where salsa usually starts:




This is how partner dance moves develop:

Aren't these instructors awesome?



Notice the fun dynamic happening with the dancers in this group class:



And this is where you might end up if you get totally into it:



The Pros make it look so easy!



If you think you can't spin fast, watch these two:


As you can see, this can get a little crazy. I'm just starting with the basics and having fun with it.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow and CPSalsa.com. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Relationships and Astrology, with Benjamin Bernstein on AspireNow Radio Show

Join Scott Andrews, Host of the AspireNow: Seriously Fun Self Help Radio Show this Tuesday, May 6, at 5PM PST / 8PM EST with special guest Benjamin Bernstein, astrologer at both http://www.itsallgoodastrology.com/ and http://www.aspirenow.com/.

To Call In: Dial (724) 444-7444.
Enter 37792 # Enter: 1 #
or your Talkshoe PIN

Topic: Relationships and Astrology

Learn about relationships and astrological projections with the host of the top-rated iTunes podcast on Astrology, Benjamin Bernstein, from It's All Good Astrology and the AspireNow AstroGuide.

Call in to ask Benjamin questions!

The show is broadcast live online and via telephone Tuesday night from 5PM PST - 6PM PST.
Learn ways to maximize your relationships with insights from one a knowledgable, fun, and exciting astrologer. Benjamin's shows are always interactive and highly involved, so mark your calendar to join us: It's simple and easy to join in!

When: Tuesday, May 6, 2008, 5PM PST (1 hour Internet Talk Radio Show)

How to Participate:

1. Visit http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/37792 - this enables you to text questions and see questions/live chat during the show, and hear Scott & Benjamin on the show.

2. Dial (724) 444-74443. Enter 37792 # Enter: 1 # or your Talkshoe PIN.

Note: You can also download Talkshoe's Classic player to use the "Classic" version of the show format for text comments and show hosting, although this step is no longer necessary to join.

If you MISS the show, visit http://www.aspirenow.com/ and listen via the Talkshow player, or visit: http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/37792.

Also, make sure to click the "follow the show" box if you're listening from the TalkShoe link: http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/37792. See you there!!
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Bringing In New Love

So, you went through a break-up? What did you learn? How have you grown? Are you ready to meet someone new?

How can you bring in new love when you still hurt over someone else?

You might be thinking, "No, I'm still loving and hurting the person who I broke things off with (or who broke up with me)."

That feeling may continue for some time. I watched the movie "Swingers" again the other night. Swingers is a funny movie where the main plot is this guy named Mikey is trying to get over his ex-girlfriend, Heather, and in the meantime make it as a comedian in Los Angeles. While he's going through his process, his buddies visit him to commiserate and also prop him up to be the lion he is and get back into the game and meet new women. After all, he was blowing it with new girls six months after the break-up. Some of the situations were painful to watch. One woman, he was kissing, but then started crying and telling her about his ex. Date over. The next one, Nicki, he called her at 2:00 a.m. the same night after meeting her in a bar. Then he called her message machine back to leave another message. He got cut off again. Then he called her again, and again, and again - to the point where the message machine was some sort of twisted therapy, until finally Nicki picked up and said "Mike: don't ever call me again." It got ugly. He then sat in a pool of depression until one day, he decided to pick himself up and be a man again. His good friend pointed out to him "Dude! You're sitting here all sad when there is a blue sky day out there. Life is large. Opportunities are many and varied in this great world we live in. And there are millions of women in the world who would find a guy like you attractive and fun to party with. It is up to us to seize that moment and build upon our success. Nobody hands it to us, but if we open our eyes, and go for it, the world is ours, man! What are you doing stewing over Heather when you broke up with her? Get real! Be true to you and be your best self!" It's an inspiring talk. The next time Mikey went out, it was *on* with a character portrayed by Heather Graham. Mikey danced swing-dancing with Big Bad Voodoo Daddy with the girl, who responded nicely to being twirled by the suddenly debonair renewed Mike- the lessons from way back came back to him, and he had a great time with this new swing-doll. She also "got" his logo and understood what the image was about, when giving him her number. It was a case of mutual attraction. The only question remained, "Would Mikey blow it again, or get right?"

The shift:

Where the big shift happened was when he committed to a course of action towards new beginnings. When he met the character portrayed by Heather Graham, he used a process to instill discipline. Rather than call her back the same night, he put an X on the calendar and marked two days to wait to call her. Funny thing was, he then received a call from the ex-girlfriend, thinking about him, wondering how he was doing. In the middle of the call, Heather Graham calls. What did Mikey do? He hung up on the ex to talk to Heather Graham!

See, new beginnings are always out there, somewhere in the Universe. They are waiting for us and will appear as soon as our heart and energy is open to receive them. Are you reaching out to people around you? Are you going out and embracing new passions?

Examine who you are and be that person:

Life sometimes takes us off the track of who we are the most. Are you serious, or a fun, wild, and crazy guy? Are you a quiet woman or outspoken? Soft or boisterous? Penny-pinching or giving away $ by handfuls? Are you about giving or taking? Are you reaching out or open to people standing in front of you wherever you go? Whoever you are, be that. If you're not sure who you are and what you want, I've got a tremendous life purpose program (e-book) that will help you discover and live your purpose in less than 30 days (just follow the program).

Clear out the old junk and clutter:

I recently embarked to clean out the clutter in my condo. I've been going through all the old boxes, closets, sorting, and cleaning out anything with cobwebs, dust, or disorganization. The process is incredibly empowering! If you're seeking to create a new beginning, I recommend you do this, very much. I've got some other articles on clearing clutter, too.

Take up new hobbies where you meet fun people:

In addition, I recently took up Salsa dancing more seriously. Since I have, I've met numerous attractive, fun people. It's a ton of fun, plus they're really friendly and interested in creating friendship. A couple have even expressed something more... all I can say is I'm getting back in shape, stopped drinking, and having a blast! Are you doing anything like that for your life?

Be open to who appears:

When we create space by clearing out clutter and starting new hobbies, often an opportunity to meet someone new will present itself. Last night, I met someone new who told me "You're really quite interesting. You not only have this incredible company, you're highly talented on the sax, and you're a good dancer. It is impressive to meet a man with such diverse talents." What a charming compliment! It didn't hurt that this compliment came from someone smart, pretty, fun and charming herself! Where will connections like that lead? The choice is up to us, right?

If you're looking to begin new projects, create new relationships, have more fun, and bring in more love into your life, try this simple four-step process:

1. Dig into who you really are and what you really want the most.

Define what you really want most. Go after what you want. Picture it in your mind, and feel how it feels with the emotion of how you will feel when you have it. Picture this with your career, health, spirit, relationships, body, money, and every aspect of life. You'll be surprised how excited you might get about the future.

2. Clear out anything blocking you and clean out space to bring in new energy.

Remove the clutter from the past. Dust the bookshelves. Clean the closets, garage, floors, and walls of your living and work space. Get rid of anything you aren't using or don't have use for. Sell it in a garage sell or take anything else to Goodwill (donate) or throw it away. You don't need unnecessary clutter clogging up your ability to attract new energy, new work, new love, new friendships, and new possessions.

3. Go out and do start new hobbies, take a new class, and embark upon learning new things in a fun group of people.

I find it fun to dance, it is also fun to play my sax in bands again. Do the things you love. Learn things with enthusiasm and zeal. People WILL notice and respond accordingly.

4. Be open to who appears.

Make sure your heart is open, your attitude positive and friendly, your humor and confidence in full swing, and talk to the people who look charming, handsome, or pretty when you go out. And, yes, do go out. You'll be happier when you do. When they talk back, ask them to get coffee, ask them to dance, go skating, bowling, playing golf, whatever, just find something they enjoy and then go do that with them. You never know where it might lead. Be open to the possibilities and enjoy the process.

Bringing in new love may not happen overnight; however, with the right attitude, new love might be just right around the corner...
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Avoiding Relationship Stagnation

Stagnation: Why Do Relationships Stagnate, and What To Do To Avoid It?

If you're in a relationship for any length of time, it is only natural that you will experience ups and downs. The most difficult to spot problem in relationships is stagnation. What are the stagnation warning signs:

• You often bite your tongue;
• Diminished sexual frequency;
• Heart-to-heart talks replaced by daily events;
• Someone acts untrustworthy;
• Outside flirtations;
• "I love you" said less often;
• Lack of variety, less creativity;
• Failure to gift;
• Someone gets fat or flabby or stops dressing up;
• Nobody rocks the boat

Do these flags of stagnation sound familiar to you? Stagnation can cause complacency in a relationship. Complacency leads to repressed feelings, which leads to resentment, which can lead to a boiling over and possibly even a break-up of the relationship. So, it is better to spot these signs and do something quickly to correct it first!

You can avoid relationship stagnation through several ways:

1. Increase heart-to-heart communication.

When I suggest you increase your heart-to-heart communication, I'm talking about sharing things you'd like to see happen to reinforce your core values. If you do this, rather than bite your tongue when things you'd like don't happen, you will experience a stronger, more honest, and deeper level of communication with your partner. Heart-to-heart communication also keeps a deep bond of love built between you that will reduce the odds of infidelity, financial mischief, and/or other things like ignoring hurt feelings.

2. Increase the romance.

Sometimes, we experience stagnation because we forget that what often draws couples together is the romance. We stop doing the things we enjoyed: walks on the beach, wine-tasting and weekends in bed & breakfasts, skating/skiing/sailing/bowling/miniature golf/dancing or whatever. We forget to leave little notes (handwritten, preferentially) for our partner. We fail to say "I love you" to each other. We stop lingering for a longer kiss when we say "goodbye" in the morning or "hi" in the evening. We go to sleep without making love. So, DO all these types of things again, and see if your partner doesn't notice!

3. Remember to gift her.

This one is written for the men, but men also like receiving a gift every now and then, too. Gifts can be our little ways of reminding our partner that we love them. Make sure to keep little gifts flowing throughout the relationship, and mix it up. You might surprise your partner.

4. Be a hot sex kitten for him.

This one is written more for the women. Men like it when women are a bit of a sex kitten, coming on to him, surprising him with new lingerie, or doing something special, sexually, that turns him on. Think I'm wrong? Then why oh why are there so many strip clubs dotting almost every city in America?

5. Remember to show each other respect.

If you've started calling your partner bad names, complaining to them frequently (especially if they've observed and asked you to stop), or allowed other people (in-laws, children) to show your partner disrespect, you must realize that all of that is negative and will decrease your relationship "love bank" and may even result in termination of your relationship. Respect, Hope, Joy, Love, are all cornerstones of a successful loving relationship. If you're complacent, there's a very large chance that respect, on some level, has slipped. Rebuilt it, treat your partner #1 the way you'd want to be treated (or at least, the way THEY want to be treated).

6. Keep yourself up.

If you've gained excessive weight, gotten flabby, or otherwise fail to dress up around each other, you're not only showing yourself disrespect, you're also showing your partner disrespect. You've become relationship-lazy. This is a sure sign of complacency. If you want to keep your love strong, continue to look your best even after you are a committed couple. Keep yourself in shape even after injuries, childbirth, and other life events. If you continue to look your best, your partner is less apt to stray and more apt to be in love with you on an ongoing basis.

7. Act trustworthy.

Are you doing anything untrustworthy in your relationship? Any sign of infidelity is a symptom of complacency at the core. Are you keeping secrets from your partner regarding money, flirtations, health, children, friendships (friends saying bad things about them), or other things like this? If you are, you're allowing a dark seed of complacency to undermine your love. If your trust becomes eroded deeply, the whole house of cards will collapse. It is better to build a relationship on solid ground. If you are not acting trustworthy, I will ask you "how would you like for them to act when you are not around?" and request that you act that way. When you act in a trustworthy way, you build the deepest bond a relationship can build.

8. Mix up your sex life.

It might be time to break out the "Kama Sutra" or "Joy of Sex" if you've been sexually complacent. If you've stopped having sex as often, take the initiative and do it in a room you've never done it before. Go somewhere new and do it there. Suggest a new position. Flirt with your partner, tease them a little, then give it to them with all the fire you can muster. This is sure to rekindle some spark in your relationship!

These are the basic suggestions I can offer to help you avoid relationship stagnation and stop the complacency from eroding the foundation of a loving, healthy, and happy relationship. If you're missing out on all the deepest love you might receive, try a few of these things to see if you can't rebuild something truly special, deeper, and more loving than you ever dreamed of!

The Magic of Making Up: How to Get Your Ex Back: Click Here!
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Getting Back Together?

Can this relationship be saved? If you're considering getting back together you're probably either asking, "Why?" or "Why not?"

I'm sure if you're asking this question, that you've recently undergone relationship stress, perhaps a serious strain on your relationship or even a break-up. if you've been in a relationship of longer than six months, this can be quite painful.

Hearing them out...

If your partner has been approaching you to discuss reconciliation, you might consider hearing them. Why? Because in my experience, when we go through a break-up, sometimes we process at different speeds from each other. For example, I experience everything very hard, full, and up-front quickly. Then, I rinse and repeat many times before I process everything. I've noticed that my past-partners often processed slower than I do. This has been a problem for me when I've broken up with a partner in the past, because I'll be there wanting to reconcile, and my partner is still in the "anger" phase or "re-framing" stage and hasn't experienced the other emotions that would even make them open to hearing an appeal for reconciliation.

Is is possible you've re-framed the relationship incorrectly?

Further, when we go through a break-up, we often tend to "re-frame" the relationship to see the NEGATIVE; in other words, we choose to see the relationship in an uglier perspective than we did when we were "in love" with each other. Is this new negative frame the reality of what your partner represented to you? Hmm. It's hard to say. I'd have to ask if you ever TALKED about and discussed truly your desires about any of your core values that you felt were not heard or honored? Did you ever discuss practical ways to make small adjustments in how you treated each other to address those concerns? If not, you might be moving on prematurely. I mean, seriously, if you didn't DISCUSS, in detail, spelling out exactly what you wanted and how you needed to be treated and communicated with, you just might be selling the relationship short.

How can you know that there isn't a deeper level of love awaiting your relationship under the surface of dirt you've thrown on it, just waiting for you to scratch it off and dig deeper?

Want to know an acid-test to know if the relationship is worth giving further attention to? I've got a few techniques that are GOLDEN to help you evaluate.


1. Gather up the ways you feel hurt or didn't get your needs met.

First, take stock of where you are at. How do you feel your partner hurt you and invalidated you? What core values did your partner fail to match? How did you feel your partner was inconsiderate or rude?


Write these things down.


2. Gather up the ways your partner felt hurt or didn't get their needs met.

Now, how was your partner expressing concern about their own issues? Were there things happening on your end they were asking for, and not getting? Were they making demands, and expecting you to do things you felt unable to do? How were you rude to them?

Write these things down.


3. Now, make a decision to put both of those arguments of hurt and upset feelings aside for the present. Take a 10 minute break, then come back to this article.

Now, I want you to wipe the slate clean. Take all of YOUR wants and needs and THEIR wants and needs and put them to the side. That's right, I'm suggesting you IGNORE all of these things for the present (I know this seems strange, but trust in this process, it has legitimate value).


4. Set aside selfish concerns. Now, look at the relationship only from a couple standpoint.

Next, ask a NEW set of questions regarding the CORE of YOU as a COUPLE:


True Love Questions:

1. Did you love each other at any point? Yes / No

2. Do you still feel *some* strong pull or sense of love, now? Yes / No

3. Do you still think about them a lot and get sentimental over memories together? Yes / No

If these questions produce "yes" answers, you still love this partner, and your relationship could likely be discussed, evaluated further, and possibly saved. Not only that, but couples who save and go deeper in a relationship where these three questions are still "yes" often experience deeper and more satisfying love after a reconciliation.

Loss of Love Questions:

1. If your partner were in a serious accident, and got killed, would you be upset that you hadn't made more of an effort to try to talk to them about things, first? Yes / No

2. If your partner were to get married to someone new, and it happened before you could realize they were even dating someone else, would you be upset and feel like you lost a chance at love? Yes / No

3. If your partner were to be removed from your children's life, do you believe they'd suffer from loss of life experience that your partner represented to them? Yes / No

If you answered "Yes" to the majority of these and had a hard time saying "no" to any of these, it is highly likely that you have "unresolved issues" with this partner. You may have moved on without fully exploring the depth of the relationship and might be losing out on a deeper level of love than you've experienced before.

Now, if you came up mostly "no" to these two sets of questions, I'm going to recommend to you that you politely dismiss your partner's request for reconciliation and move on without them. If that is your situation, you won't be missing much because you're already no longer in love with that partner.

Believe me, if you do not have true love or a core sense of loss from not having this partner in your life, then you will be happier without them in your life. To stay in a relationship with the majority of these core "couple" questions producing "no" answers would be to repress your higher self and who you really are. Now, on the contrary, if you DO have true love and you WOULD experience a core sense of loss from moving on, then DON'T MOVE ON YET. You've got too much at stake to just blow out of there. Commitments, when honored, usually reward the giver.

You might be thinking at this point, "But Scott, what about all those WANTS & NEEDS I listed before? Don't THEY matter?"

My answer to that is, yes, those matter, but those are the things you resolve through reconciliation. Those are not the reasons to NOT consider a reconciliation. Almost EVERY relationship issue that seems like a mismatch on a core value can become a core value match with tweaking, love, and adjusting of both perspective and action. In a recent study I read on relationships that are more happy versus those who are not, the relationships that make it through reconciliation find that by simply making "small" adjustments towards their partner, rather than pushing the concern under the rug or ranting about things, tends to produce happy, fulfilling relationships. It isn't those with more similarities who make it - it is those with differences who embrace and appreciate their differences, and who take the time and make the effort to create small changes in behavior to affect massive change in the feelings and dynamic of the two of you being together.

That's right: The secret in reconciliation is summed up in this one sentence:

SMALL ACTIONS from EACH OF YOU TOWARD EACH OTHER create LARGE CHANGES IN FEELINGS OF HAPPINESS TOGETHER.

You might also be thinking, "But what about the ways they hurt my feelings?"

Well, people can be pretty stupid when they get their feelings hurt. Why don't you take the higher road and decide to forgive, accept, remove the guilt, and focus on POSITIVE STEPS to take POSITIVE ACTIONS towards new, fun, exciting, and dynamic ways to interact together?

You'll get more out of your relationship by seeking ways to establish love and take baby steps towards your concerns by simply addressing them a little at a time.

Last, these questions all pretty much need to be "yes" answers to consider pursuing a reconciliation or even put any more energy into the situation:

1. Have they expressed a willingness to work on, or at least hear your concerns? Yes / No

2. If you feel out of whack with your core values, are you willing to examine ways to act slightly different, yet still within your own core values, that would enable you to empower your partner's concerns? Yes / No

3. Are you willing to forgive them for hurting you? Yes / No

Well, if there's a will, there's a way.

This last one is a little bit more tricky: If you've got any of the following issues going on: addiction, abuse, adultery, then can you and are you willing to discuss as a couple how to get therapy for the concern? Yes / No

If you can say Yes to most of these questions, then you're ready to sit down and listen to what your partner has to say. When you set a meeting for reconciliation, I first suggest you simply focus on positive things that COULD be done to make the relationship better. Then, I suggest you go do something fun together. Try that for each of your first three meetings, and see how it goes.

One last thing: if you've been feeling like perhaps you've been in the relationship to save or rescue the other person, you might want to take a look at WHY you felt that way? Was it a legitimate need in both of you? Was there something you needed to process?

Before deciding to process differently with someone else, and blowing off all the history, chemistry, and what you have already experienced together with this partner, why not try re-framing the existing relationship in a new positive light, approaching it from a healthy perspective, and then manifesting what you really most want, together. Get rid of the addictive behaviors, abusive comments, actions, or cheating behaviors if at all possible, or your relationship will be derailed again in the future.

Remember:

SMALL ACTIONS from EACH OF YOU TOWARD EACH OTHER create LARGE CHANGES IN FEELINGS OF HAPPINESS TOGETHER.

Let me know how it goes!

The Magic of Making Up: Want to get your ex back? Click Here!
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If you're in a serious relationship and have a deep concern, I suggest you seek professional assistance with your situation. Standard terms and conditions of AspireNow apply to this article. Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.