Are You In Love?

Do you believe in love? Are you in love with someone special?

Have you let them know it lately?

There are many ways to say “I love you” to someone. When considering love, it can be a feeling, a thought, a spoken word or phrase, a gesture, or a solid action demonstrating love clearly exists from one person to another.

What Is This Strange Feeling we call LOVE?

If you feel that you love someone, you're likely either feeling a sense of “belonging” or a sense of “loyalty” or a sense of “passion” for that person. Have you ever seen someone who “felt” in love with someone but never told them how they felt? What were they waiting for?

Sometimes, we don't share our feelings with others because we are afraid that we might be rejected. Or, we may have been hurt by a lover in the past and now feel the fear that this new person may not work out, either. Last, perhaps we've already given it a go with a special person and had less than the desired success with the relationship, and feel that going back in might cause more hurt in the future. In any event, there are reasons why people sometimes do not express their feelings of love for each other. However, I will point out that in most of these instances, it is FEAR that stops people from sharing their feelings with each other.

In case you've missed some of my other articles on this subject, FEAR blocks LOVE. You can't have your optimum relationship airplane take-off with fear on board the plane! FEAR works like a DRAG on any relationship. So, if FEAR is stopping you, I'd say to RELEASE the FEAR! Once you've released the fear you will free your soul of the burden that blocks your conscious self from expressing your true feelings. At that point you will be able to express your love freely with the person you love.

How can we express the love we feel?

Once you've decided to express your feelings, you now have choices. You can either SAY how you feel, or you can SHOW how you feel.

Say it loud, say it proud!

"I LOVE YOU!"

When we say “I LOVE YOU,” we are expressing our feelings in the most direct and sincere way possible. We could still say, “I care about you” or “I dig hanging out with you” or “you're a lot of fun” but all of those ways of expressing feelings could just as easily be feelings of friendship as feelings of love. If you want to say “I love you” to another person, why not just come out and say these three magic words?

Now, if you're like me, you probably appreciate hearing when another person says “I love you” to you. So, go for it, put it out there, and let your heart strings play their tune.

Have you told someone you care about deeply that you love them?

If you were hurt in the past, you've got to move beyond that hurt, put the fear behind you, and embrace saying how you feel IN THE MOMENT now. When you can do this, you will experience MORE love in your life – I'm certain of it. If you sense people arguing, why not step in and offer a bridge towards faith, hope, and love in the GOOD of things. When we work as a team, support each other, and offer encouragement, life is SO MUCH BETTER!

In my family, we all say “I love you” when parting. We do this frequently – I'd say about 30% of our conversations end with “I love you” stuck in there some place. I don't know if I've been as good with my relationships. For some reason, I'm a bit non-committal and don't always say how I feel when I love a woman. I've made a new resolution in 2008 that from now on, when I feel it, and we have engaged in a committed relationship, I will say "I Love You" much more often. If you feel like you love someone special, tell them. You might have something to lose, but we certainly can't win anything if we don't play the game of life. And playing means jumping in and saying something.

Don't just say it - SHOW IT!

Now, you may also feel better if the person also SHOWED you how much they love you as well as TOLD YOU how much they loved you. After all, we can't play if we don't interact.

My sister once told me that children base their judgment of how much you love them by how much TIME you spend with them, doing things together. Is it any different for teenagers, college kids, thirty-somethings, mid-life adults, or elderly? I read in an advice column last week how a Grandmother felt her love was rejected and didn't matter because the kids and grand kids weren't showing appreciation for the time she was investing towards them. On the other hand, I've also read about mothers trying to get their kids exposure to a grandmother who didn't act involved or show up to birthday parties. The love street goes BOTH ways. Just reach out and show the people in your life that you love them.

We MAKE time for those we love...

Don't just TAKE time - MAKE time for the people who are special to you. Spend meals and vacations together. Go fishing together. Attend plays together. Read a book together. Watch a movie together. Go for a walk together. Just do things together. I love going to play golf and tennis with my brother and nephew. It's become a favorite past-time now with all of us that grew out of my reaching out one day saying "Come play golf with me!"

In my family, not only do we say we love each other often, but we also SHOW each other that we love each other by making special trips and visits to be with each other. We share special meals together. We're there for each other during hard times. We play together. We take vacations together. We make a point to communicate with each other – even when we're busy. Is your family making the effort to SHOW they care as well as SAY they care for each other? If not, why not start this practice today?

Actions speak louder than words...

Here are a few useful ways to SHOW YOU LOVE SOMEONE with your ACTIONS:

1. Write a handwritten note. Notice: I didn't say send a text message. The meaning of taking the time to write a letter still carries far more weight than sending an email or a text message. We've grown so lazy in the modern era! Is an e-card the same as a hallmark birthday card? I hardly think so. People TOUCH a letter. They don't touch their e-cards. I remember when my wife, before we were engaged, sprayed perfume in her letters to me so that I'd remember her smell when reading her love letters to me. Can you SMELL an email? Enough on that. So, yes, put it in writing. I was joking with a friend by my pool last week and said “I think it's hot when a woman writes me a love note, like 'I love you' or 'you made me so hot last night' in lipstick on the mirror, or sticks a little love note under my pillow saying something like 'I think about you...' while I'm sleeping, or creative things like that.” She replied, “I send my fiancée a text message!” What do you think a man is more likely to remember: the lipstick note, the note under the pillow, the note in the lunch pail, the card with perfume, or the text message? So, put it in writing but also make it something memorable by engaging the senses and making it physical!
   
2. Put yourself in front of them. My Dad once told my sister that if she wanted to attract a man, to dress pretty, be smiling and happy, and make sure she stood in front of him at events where he shows up! I recall meeting my last girlfriend that way, when she was standing there at church laughing at my crazy jokes! She later followed me around the appetizer trays as we chatted, and we talked for about forty minutes that first day. Clearly, there was something going on! Are you spending time or finding activities where the person you love is spending their time? I play gigs. I've found that women, when they want to express interest in me, often show up at one of my saxophone gigs. It's a way they're letting me know they're interested and it's probably also fun and casual for them so it is easy for them to put it out there. My sister met David, her eventual husband, at a group event at Campus Crusade for Christ. David and his friend, Chuck, invited Terri and her friend, Susie, to frozen yogurt one night, and then later they went on a double-date to a movie. Chuck put his arm around Suzie, David gave Terri a kiss goodnight, and the rest was history! In one of my all-time favorite movies, It's A Wonderful Life, Mary Hatch, the woman who loves George Bailey, finds a way to go with him to the dance, to spend time around his family, to support him in his dream to “lasso the moon” and pretty much demonstrates, consistently throughout the movie, that she totally loves him lock, stock, and barrel. I wouldn't mind being loved like that, too!
   
3. Do something nice for them. This one is tricky. You want the thing you do to be a favor, not create an expectation. So, use this with discretion. An ex-girlfriend once told me she thought I loved her when I took out the trash. She also said she showed her love to me when she folded my socks in the laundry (I'm color-blind), saving me anguish from wearing a navy sock with a black sock! Those little things sometimes matter. The things we do for each other, baking cookies, cooking a meal, mowing the lawn, bringing soup when they feel bad, giving them a back massage, rubbing their feet, are all ways to show you love someone. In school, I remember I scored points when I offered to carry a girl's books one time. Little things that show you are a gentleman, or a lady, matter. Show up with flowers, chocolate, or some other little small gift. Show up with a CD he likes or some other gift he wants. Do something to show him you care. Dress up for each other and look nice for each other - even after you've been dating for three years!
   
4. Be there when times are tough. When someone is ill, experiences a loss at their job, goes through a tough time at work, loses a friend or loved one, goes through a death in the family, an accident, or any other thing that could be considered a “times are down” moment, it is critical that you show the person you love that you care. Seriously, friends show they are friends by being there – in both the good times and bad! If you love someone, show them you love them. Don't let them down when they're going through a tough time. Be there for the people you love when they go through tough times and you'll prove that you're a loyal, loving companion!
5. Hold hands, hug, kiss, or make love with them. If you want to show someone you care, don't withhold physical affection. Show them you love them by greeting them with a hug and a kiss (a long one if you're already intimate – the 10-second kiss concept helps keep relationships a little spicier!). Touch them, rub their shoulders, pat them on their hip, wrap your arm around them when you're standing by them, and connect with them physically. It is a way to show we are connected, mentally and emotionally, with someone we love, by touching and connecting with them physically. I recently saw a woman and her husband together, and while they were considering a serious decision, I noticed that she rubbed his arm, rubbed his shoulders, smiled at him, gave him encouraging looks.. there was so much in her body language telling him "I love you!" that it was right there on her sleeve!
   
6. Don't withhold your love. If you're still in love with someone, but playing hard to get or distancing yourself, whatever you do get back in there and communicate that you love them! Why would you pull away and cause them to doubt that you care if you truly still DO care for them? And by all means, if you're in a committed adult relationship with someone, do NOT withhold physical affection. If you're holding out, sexually, consider giving your lover sexual love unless it is painful or highly uncomfortable for you to comply or give physical affection due to an injury or illness. I've seen men cheat on women because they withheld sex. I've seen women cheat on men because they were only “getting it” once every two months. If you're in a “love” relationship, why wouldn't you want to “make love” with each other? If you want to show, through your actions, that you love someone, then making love is the most intimate and powerful way you can demonstrate your love for your partner. Of course, make sure you're fully able to trust each other first, then engage in sex as it is appropriate. But, once you're in a sexual relationship, do not then start to withhold or find excuses to avoid sex. It will degrade how you show your love through actions more than anything else you can do. As a friend of mine recently said to his girlfriend "I can deal with all the crazy stuff you put me through if you give me regular sex, but when you withhold sex all I hear and see is the bad stuff." Yes, sex matters.
   
7. Give before you expect to receive. (Or give without expecting to receive.) If you've been holding back, expecting your lover to give to you first, I'd suggest YOU GIVE to them FIRST. Why initiate? Because, by putting it out there you help encourage others to love you the way you would like to be loved. We have a song we play in my band, BODY, called "Give Some to Get Some," which is about this very thing. Give some without expecting anything back, and you might be surprised by what you do get back.

If you want to build more love, yes, it is important to both say "I love you" to your partner AND show them, through your actions, that you're someone they can count on, that you're someone who supports and believes in their dreams, and you're someone who will celebrate the good and bad times, too.

If you're IN LOVE with someone, don't leave it to mystery – or to chance – for them to find out. Take action and SHOW you love them by doing something, right now, to demonstrate your love, and you'll improve the love in your life.

Enjoy this article? You'll also enjoy my article on Fun Dating Ideas here at AspireNow.
_______________________________________________________

Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

I Miss You

I recall friends who used to talk with me every day. We may have emailed regularly. Others would text message or Instant Message me. For some, it was just a talk, meet, and have fun thing. Many people enter our lives, interact with us at some level of intimacy, then go on with their journey elsewhere.

To those who have helped me along my journey, as I think of you, I will send you this thought:

"I miss you...
Thank you for what you gave when you were in my life.
I am grateful for the experience of knowing you.

I send you blessings of love, happiness, joy, forgiveness, and gratitude."

Are you grateful for the people who've influenced your life?

If not, send out a thought of gratitude. Gratitude + Love + Forgiveness = Fulfillment + Happiness.
_______________________________________________________

Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Letting Go Of Dysfunctional Relationships

Have you ever wondered whether or not to remain friends with certain people?

Well, you may know that I DO maintain a huge network of friends and associates. My circle of closest friends and associates is held to a short-list of desired traits and qualities. I only keep people in that circle who support certain principles. If a friend starts to exhibit less-desired traits and qualities, or fails to support these principles, after a period of prolonged and sustained behavior that no longer fits my list, I cut them out of my life.

It may seem harshly simple, but I view it quite a bit like how sales leaders view their sales team: If you keep dead weight on the tree, it is difficult to bear healthy fruit. I've seen sales managers fire salespeople who weren't performing for months on end because they felt those salespeople would hinder the performance of the team. It is much the same with our interpersonal relationships.

Do you have a list of traits and standards for your inner circle?

My own list of desires attributes, traits and standards for my friendship circle includes the following guidelines:

1. They support my highest good.
2. I can support their highest good.
3. They add value to my life and I add value to theirs.
4. They posses values I seek: generally loving, artistic, fun, smart, and spiritually healthy.
5. They maintain healthy communication with me.
6. They are loving, positive, and generally supportive and happy to be with me.

There are times when certain friends fail to stop meeting this list. When this happens, I take proactive steps to 86 the friend who doesn't meet my standards. I think this is a positive thing to do. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't usually write them "Hey, you're not my friend anymore." I only do that when someone had communicated they'd "always be there" but then made a consistent practice of being rather rude to me, and I wanted to make it clear that their behavior was unacceptable as a friend. Otherwise, I just move on.

A computer crash and cell phone hard reset dump - a gift from angels?

If you ever have a problem with your computer or cell phone, this is actually an excellent time to review your criteria for friendships and make sure your inner circle is healthy and supporting you the best you deserve.

I've recently had my cell phone crash and a computer virus destroy my database of contacts on my cell phone. I had the option to reload the cell phone with all my old numbers, but chose instead only to put in the current "active" friends with whom I've spoken and who met my list of standards over the past year. This created a much shorter cell phone database directory and allowed much more space for new growth in friendships.

Questions to ponder regarding your own inner circle of friendships:

Have you recently performed housecleaning on your Rolodex of closest friends?
Are any relationships clinging to you that block new love?
Are all of your friendships supporting your highest good?
Can you support their highest good?
Are they communicating in a healthy way with you?
Are they exhibiting the traits you wish to emulate and attract in your life?
Are they all loving, positive, and generally supportive and happy to be with you?

If not, consider scrubbing them out of your database and creating room in your life for people who bring about "yes" answers to these questions. Perhaps you need to create your own list of attributes, traits, and standards for your own friendships. I encourage you to do so.

Now, when releasing someone who no longer supports you the way you prefer, always show love, gratitude, and respect for them in parting ways. If you don't want the confrontation, just stop calling, sending text or instant messages, emailing, or visiting - it sends a strong message they will likely understand. When friends stop calling me or returning my emails, I remove them from my database of inner friendship circle. I'm sure others would do that with you, too. There is no way to maintain a relationship without healthy, regular, two-way interaction.

You will find that by maintaining a healthy inner circle of friends that you will produce more "fruit" in your interactions with people in your life. Always be grateful for the inner circle of friends who love and support you. Maintain a healthy "friendship tree" and you'll bear more healthy fruit from your relationships year after year.
_______________________________________________________

Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

When Friends Go Their Own Way

What causes friends to pull back and stop reaching out to us?

In the past, I've pulled away from certain friends. You've probably experienced friends pulling away from you, too. Friends come and go in a natural ebb and flow but sometimes friends pull away because they have fulfilled your purpose in their life. Other times, they pull away because they are busy with a new job, a new relationship, or other activities. They might be distant because of new activities within their household, such as events for their children. Or, they might be pulling away because they're in a pity party.

I've seen friends get hurt, because they felt you didn't do what they wanted. But their expectation doesn't have to match your reality, does it? So, even though you didn't say or do what they wanted, this doesn't make you necessarily bad or wrong. It just means there was a disconnect in expectation and result. One of my closest friends stepped back for about 3 months after living on my couch for a few months. I'd asked him to pay rent and tensions grew until he decided to leave. At first, he acted angry with me. That was his choice. But, the fact of the matter is I'd done him a favor, but further enabling him not getting his act together wasn't serving either of us in our friendship. I held strong, and later extended an olive branch to let him know I'm still his friend. Today, he got his act together, has his own place, and is now saving up for a new car, too! Yesterday, we hung out for a bit, and watched the sea together for a little while during conversation. It is nice to have friendships where you can just talk, listen, and be real with each other. So, the natural give and take, when restored to a healthy balance, restores friendship.

Recently, another friend withdrew. I believe she felt hurt by several things and perhaps just frustrated how we communicated. So, she pulled back. It's normal human behavior when communication give and take breaks down.

As I write this article, it becomes clear to me that give and take is really what this is all about.

People may need something from us, so they reach out to us. Other times, they feel we've taken enough from them, so they pull away, or, they've taken enough, and would feel guilty to take more without repaying the favor, so they pull away then, too. It's all about the natural balance of give and take and the flow of life where we can benefit from being around each other.

Are you trapped in a "pity party"? If so, your friends may have pulled away from you because you're a downer. Being around downers is like being around energy vampires - you're taking from them! Work on releasing the resentment, guilt, and loser attitude by focusing on new ways of thinking, feeling, and acting that create the life you most desire. When people see you succeeding in manifesting your dreams, you'll attract more (and often better) influences back into your life! Once you're no longer sucking someone's energy, you'll find it easier to attract more of what you do want back to you.

If you're withdrawing because life has overwhelmed you, remember that at some point, connecting with others is part of what helps us remain balanced. Take your time to withdraw. Then, once you feel healthy, grounded in your self, and rooted firmly on your own two feet, come back into the world of social interaction.

Life is so exciting when we expand our circles to include abundant, healthy, happy, and exciting people. Is your circle of friends what you want?

I know one person who claims to want to be in a committed relationship. Yet, half of her friends are single women who hate men. What are the odds she will realize her objective with all of these negative influences poisoning her mind? Right- probably not very high.

I know another friend who claims to want financial abundance. Yet, half of his friends struggle to just pay rent. What are the odds he will realize his objective with all of these people who don't know how to attract abundance weighing on him with their "lack" attitudes? Again, probably not very high.

Another friend often tells me she is lonely. Yes, each time I've invited her out to various events I attend, she only takes me up on it about a fifth of the time. Most times, I find out she stayed at home with her dog. Do you think maybe she is choosing her loneliness? I keep offering her a chance to go out and have fun. It is up to her to accept to live life again with all fullness and gusto, right?

Choose your friends wisely. If someone does not match the qualities you want in a friend, let them go. Send out the vibe of what you DO want and then take action towards that objective. I recently did this with my Facebook account (see scott at aspirenow dot com on Facebook to add me). I decided that I want to be friends with everyone who was in the movie "The Secret" because I believe these people have a firm foundation of how to manifest what they want in life. The first who accepted my request to add was John Assaraf. I loved John's story about his vision board in the movie, and after adding him as a friend decided to add any of John's friends who looked like they were happy with positive light in their picture. That's right, I made choices just based upon pictures. Well, guess what? This connection has now led me to be closely associated with Richard Branson, the CEO of Virgin Airlines! I love larger than life people like Richard, and can't wait to get to know him better.

So, don't worry about the sense of loss you felt when friends went their own way. Sometimes, it really is for the best for all of you. They are free to do what they want, anyway. If you let them go (with love) it is likely they will come back when they are ready (in love).

Focus on what you want, then seek out the people who exhibit those qualities. You can take it to the bank that as you attract people who are happy, fulfilled, manifesting their dreams, successful, and empowered, that your life will be more empowered, too.
_______________________________________________________

Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Find Something Special In Everyone

Are you feeling attacked, bogged down, or depressed because people don't understand you?

Perhaps, it is a matter of perspective that is bothering you.

It might be that you just haven't yet learned the secret to finding something special in everyone. Or, perhaps you forgot that this simple rule is one of the biggest ways to impact your own happiness.

I recall a time when I felt like some friends, strangers, and everyone in between were total jerks - or at least they were acting like jerks. But, once I shifted my perspective to seek out something good in others, my whole approach with people lifted to a higher level. As a result, I became happier with my circle of friends and newcomers.

How to find something special in everyone:

One concept that I now live by is this: find something good in everyone you meet. You can define good a number of ways:

• What is good, or important to you;
• What is right, or morally sound;
• What is healthy, or physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually good for you.

I'd suggest trying each of these, without so much of a judgemental approach, but rather an approach of seeking to find the qualities you have in common first, what they do that is good second, and how you might both mutually benefit each other last.

You see, when we find something good in another person, they usually don't seem so much like a jerk, but rather a fellow human being on this crazy journey we call life.

After your initial perspective shift, take it up another level and ask yourself, "How might I most benefit this person's highest good?"

Who doesn't need a little more love? The truth is, we all need love. Give first that which you seek to gain. Give love, and you might get a little back. Don't give it to get it, just give love to everyone you meet. Seek the highest good, and give according to that.

Then, start living according to that guiding principle. When you start approaching other people from this perspective, your circle of trust will shift, your influence amongst friends will grow, and your happiness with those in your life with increase dramatically.

I wish it to be so for each of you.
_______________________________________________________

Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

My Friends Rock

I recently dug through a forum discussing life happiness until I came across this question:

"Why do my friends suck?"

While this may be perceived as a common challenge for teenagers; however, this is actually more of a prevailing question in society, at large, than we might realize. When polled on satisfaction regarding how we rate our friends, this was the result:

How We Rate Our Friends (Source: 2006 AspireNow.com poll of 1,325 respondents):

38% - I have a close family and loving friends.
17% - My family could be more supportive, but I have loving friends.
21% - My friends are not supportive, but my family is supporting me and shows me love.
24% - My friends and family are both not very supportive and I feel disconnected.

Most people seem to rate their family and friendships as being pretty good. Personally, I'd say, MY FRIENDS ROCK (I'm definitely not someone in the "my friends suck" category).

Taking Another Look At How We Rate Our Friends :

38% - I have a close family and loving friends.
17% - My family could be more supportive, but I have loving friends.
21% - My friends are not supportive, but my family is supporting me and shows me love.
24% - My friends and family are both not very supportive and I feel disconnected.

That means 45% say their friendships could be better! Yikes. Well, that's why I'm writing this - to help give ideas to help you improve your friendships and relationships.

Now, let's take a look at how you rate your own friendships.

How are my friendships, in terms of closeness and support:

My Friends Rock! ______
My Friends Are Good ______
My Friends Could Be Better ______
My Friends Suck. ______

If you chose the "my friends suck" category, you're probably not a very happy person right now. And, if you chose "my friends rock" category, you're probably much more satisfied overall with your life situation and happiness.

According to Professor Ed Diener, University of Illinois, people who score high on life satisfaction tend to have close and supportive family and friends, whereas those who do not have close friends and family are more likely to be dissatisfied.

Character matters more than looks, wealth, and popularity:


In a study among girls from smartgirl.org, the three characters we exhibit in friendship that meant the most were as follows:

1. LOYALTY.
2. CARING.
3. LISTENING.

Note: Popular, Smart, Money, Athletic didn't rate NEARLY as high as loyalty.

Using the Golden Rule (reap what we sow), it would make sense that we ought to give what others want. So, if we want good friendships, we first ought to be loyal to others. Second, we need to show we care. And, last, we need to listen well. If I were writing that survey, I'd have added "funny and creative" to the list. Maybe it's me, but I just like fun and funny people. After all, if humor is the best medicine, then I want more of it!

Reach out and touch your friends often:

As much as we love IM, EMail and modern technology, the TELEPHONE is still the #1 way to reach out to our friends. So, if it has been a while, send an email, then follow it up by phone. You'll find your friendship quickly reconnected. I did this recently with many of my friends after my truck accident (see I'm So Grateful).

My personal rule for attracting great friends is to set the following intention:

1. My friends and people in my inner circle are in support of my highest good, and I am in support of their highest good.

2. I like friends who are well-rounded, with successful lives, and a good sense of humor.

That's pretty much my criteria for friendships. I've found that since defining friendships in this way, I've attracted and maintained really strong, happy, and healthy friendships.

The biggest difference was when I set the criteria for #1 (above), using "highest good" as a defining principle, I have found that friends don't lie to me, they don't disrespect me, nor do they use me or treat me poorly. The reason is that anyone who WOULD do this quickly either eliminates themselves from my life or I see who they are and eliminate them. I'm an extrovert, and by nature easily make new friends, but of all my friends who stick, they ALL now exhibit the features of both #1 and #2. It makes life much more rewarding, and for sure, I can truly say that my friends ROCK!

I was just having a chat with my brother yesterday, and the one comment we both shared that stuck out is that our friendships and experience with friends and family are what matter the MOST in life. It's a good idea to set an intention for more of these experiences.

Thank you for being my friends!

If you want better friendships, first be the friend you wish to attract back to you.
_______________________________________________________
Disclaimer: This material is intended for informational purposes only. Any financial, legal, health, or other information given is not to be interpreted as being financial, legal, health and professional advice. If you need advice, guidance, or counsel of any kind you should seek out a qualified and experienced professional in that field.

Written by Scott Andrews, Founder of AspireNow and CEO of ARRiiVE Business Solutions. Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved.

What Women Want

What Do Women Really Want?


Really! What DO women want? Isn't this one of the most challenging questions of all time? We thought "what men want" was difficult, but this is even harder.


The epic struggle of mankind to figure out the inner workings of women is ages old. Even Sigmund Freud, the master of modern psychology, died trying to figure out women. It isn't easy.


I had a friend once joke with me that "men mostly want sex, woman want the right to be hypocritical, yet call men on their inconsistencies." Yikes. No wonder men and women have struggles getting along!


One reason why understanding women isn't such an easy thing is because the ways women process thoughts and emotions are drastically different than their male counterparts' ways of processing.


Key difference between men and women: I've reviewed many studies that indicate women use emotion to process thought as their basis for decision making 30% more than men do.* As such, women are also known for being more intuitive than men. This is not exactly true, as men use intuition in different ways, and have different ways of communicating. Nevertheless, men tend to bond through shared activities, whereas women bond through sharing thoughts and feelings.


I've noticed that a woman will want to tell every little nuance of a story, where their male counterpart might be feeling like, "ok, what's the point?" A man typically seeks a solution to the problem, as if the story was a problem. Or, he's looking for a way to suggest something to help his woman improve, which is based upon competitive thinking (how men relate in conversation is much more competitive). In fact, a woman often is just relating this story to SHARE with him; there isn't anything competitive about it.


So what do women really want in a man?


The top 6 things women want FROM MEN, in order, are:
1. Confidence (or Power)
2. Sense of humor (Fun)
3. Money or the things money can buy (Security)
4. Looks (Protection and Attraction)
5. A little bit of "Bad boy" qualities (Mysterious and Independent/Strong)
6. All the other stuff they typically list (varies - sensitive, caring, etc.)


However, in interviewing countless women, and receiving numerous pointers from women (after all, I AM a MAN!) I must say that there is an expanded list for us guys to get familiar with, according to women. So, what is the expanded list? Men can get what they want from women much more frequently when they approach women with a few simple - yet effective - guidelines:


1. Women want a man to be confident! Confidence is the number one quality women look for. Don't be wimpy. Don't apologize for everything. Be real. Be you.


2. Women want a man who makes her feel like she's the only one. Women go nuts over a man who will go the extra mile. For example, he opens the door for her, he walks on the right side of the street, he helps her shop. I'm talking about being a GENTLEMAN! If she is cold, offer her your jacket. If she is in trouble, protect her. If there is danger, put your arm around her. Be a real man.


3. Women want a man with a sense of humor. A woman will almost always love a man who can make her laugh. If you are dull, you are boring. If you make a woman laugh, you're halfway home. Take a chance, be real, but be funny. There are several seduction experts who claim that being "cocky" and "funny" are the two most important qualities to attracting a woman. I agree.


4. Women want a man to listen to them (yes, even to the gripes and details of all the craziness) and not necessarily give advice. Many women love to complain about their problems; however, they complain not to receive advice, but merely to sound off. I know it's hard to nod and be supportive, because you want to watch ESPN or do something that to you may seem more exciting, but the fact is, your woman will go to the ends of the earth to love you when you truly listen to them and acknowledge their needs. You need to understand that women need to VENT. Allow her this, and she'll allow you in. Nod. Get involved and provide active listening feedback. Be truly interested in what she is saying without worrying about what you're going to say next. Then, watch what happens as your woman opens up to you more.


Women want men to listen to them, because they have a need to be heard. And, women want their man to express his feelings and trust her with his intimate side. Real listening, with real intimacy, is rare. Real listening is suspending thinking about what to say and being deeply engaged in what she is talking about. Listening requires actively paying attention -- shutting off the chatter mind.


5. Women want to be treated like they are the sexiest woman on the planet and that no other woman compares. Talking about your ex-girlfriends is not going to score big points with your new woman. Treating her like she's the ONLY one will make her smile for quite a while.


6. Women want to know you will be faithful. Don't tell a woman how you cheated on your ex. It won't make her think you are wise, loyal, or trustworthy. I'm not saying to lie to her -- just don't go there. Don't cheat on your woman. She will not think you are a better man for doing this. Just like you want think you are the only man she's ever loved, well, that's the thing she wants, too.



The key to faithfulness comes from your own inner character. Be a man of character and you will reap a relationship built upon trust. You gain respect through consistent committed action. Respect backed up by love builds trust, trust builds a strong relationship that can stand the tests of life and time.


7. Women SAY they want a sensitive man. Truth is, if you go around apologizing all the time and crying frequently then a woman will abuse you. Trust me, it is NOT wise to do. This was well exemplified during the beach scene in the movie Bedazzled, where the main character in the film was trying to woo his love interest, his advice had been to "be more sensitive." Well, he went so overboard, was so sensitive, that his love interest ended up walking away with another dude with the assumption that they'd have meaningless conversation and casual sex! Boy was HE surprised! Being overly sensitive is a quick way to get shown the door. It is important to strike a balance. Be strong, be there, yet share your emotions. Speak up and be real. Let them know you care. But don't be a sissy.


Women say they want to be treated like an equal. This is not true. Women want to be treated like a WOMAN. Not like a man. If she wanted to be with a woman, she'd do that. She wants to be with YOU. Therefore, be a MAN. This is not to be confused with being treated like a piece of property, not to be confused with being treated with disrespect. Women want to be respected! A woman wants to be respected for being feminine, being a woman. Women are quite different from men. A man who takes the time to understand the difference is a wise man. Bottom line here: NO MORE Mr. NICE GUY. Be a REAL MAN, not a sensitive NICE GUY. Because the nice guys usually do finish last.


You still don't get it? Ok, then try this: be your own bad self. I will say that some women are attracted to "Bad Boys". I think there is a certain ruggedness to the bad boy - they break rules, they sometimes behave rudely. But the true gentleman always remembers what matters most. Have an air of mystique, but definitely be you. If, on occasion, that means doing what you want, rather than what she wants, then do it. Just don't make a continual habit of it - that's rude.


8. Women LOVE a man with a plan. Women love men with ambition. Men who know who they are, what we're doing tonight, and what we're doing with our life. If you don't have a plan, get one. I have a plan (a) and plan (b) ready at all times, so that no matter what, it will appear I'm fairly spontaneous, but reality is I usually know where, when, and how the evening or date could go. In dating, it is extremely important that you have a plan when you ask a woman out. They will judge your sense of confidence by how well you have thought out where you will take her and what you will do together. So, think ahead, have a plan, then work that plan. While you're at it make sure you have an alternative plan, too, in case she doesn't like the first one!


It is equally important for a man to know when to call a woman's bluff and let her know when she is pushing his limits. A man who just falls over and laps at his woman's feet is a man who is called "whipped" for a reason. An example is as follows: she asks, "what do you want to do tonight," he says, "whatever you want to do." If this is his consistent pattern, he's whipped. She won't respect him in the end.


9. Don't be a tight-wad. Give the woman in your life gifts. Like the Chairman of the Board, Ol' Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra, used to say, "you gotta gift 'em." Well, I figure good enough for Frank, good enough for me. After all, Frank was a MASTER SWOONER. Guys, get this: Frank Sinatra went to Hollywood with a plan to take a lengthy list of top actresses in his movie studio to bed at some point during his career. As the story goes, he pretty much succeeded. Some women will frown when they read this - but guys, I know what you're thinking: "who did Frank get together with?" Well, how about Gina Lollobrigida and Ava Gardner, for starters (I believe it was Angie Dickinson who claimed to abstain). That's like saying Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry, and Charlize Theron to today's younger actor. So, maybe giving a gift once in a while isn't such a bad idea.



Just don't go broke trying to impress her! After all, Frank Sinatra also had a stellar voice, plenty of swagger, and loads of star power to go with his ability to buy a gift or two. Nevertheless, small gifts, especially gifts that show you were listening when she mentioned her favorite candy bar, or when she stopped at that jewelry counter to admire those earrings (but put them back without buying them), or how she commented on how she'd just love that dress in the window of that snazzy clothing store. Well, use your own imagination. But if you don't gift the woman in your life you'll probably be referred to by the woman you love as "cheapskate".


Now, "why," you ask, "do women care about gifts?" Good question. The answer is that one way women relate is through giving gifts - especially when you've paid attention to what they want. Women will gift exchange compliments with each other, too. So just trust me and surprise her with a gift every now and then and see if she doesn't respond favorably.


10. Be a true friend. LISTEN TO HER. Let her share her good times and problems with you. Be there, rather than just promising to be there. Consistent committed positive action is a definition of love. How do you show you are a friend? Are you there when it matters most? Are you there for the small stuff, too?


11. Women want to be loved, despite their flaws, and need to be satisfied mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as much as physically. Unconditional love would be ideal love. How can you love a woman without judgment, conditions, or rules? How would you like to be loved?


Sexually speaking, women define great sex differently than men, using words like soft candlelight, light touch, then becoming more aggressive as their mood rises to the occasion. A man, on the other hand, instantly rises to the occasion. Women want men to be their lover instead of obsessing over their body to just get sex. Rather than treat women as sex objects, treat them as someone to relate with; in other words, a real person! That means taking your time, showing extra attention, and being tender in ways with her to let her know she is special.


12. Women appreciate a man who is creative. Roses are nice. But sometimes it is extra special to think of something that most guys wouldn't do for a woman. It could be something frivolous, but if it is something that you think SHE would like, then why not do it? You might have just made her day.


13. Women want a sense of security, to know that her partner will be there if she becomes sick or when she grows old or flabby. Giving a woman security is being there through emotional and physical support. An example might be if she has to have surgery. Take the day off and be there for her, hold her hand, and give your full support to her. In other words, postpone that "tee time"! Security comes from trust. Again, this is about being able to rely in your strength of character.


Do you have a question relating to what women want?


Check out the AspireNow Advisor - solutions for only $29.95!


Are you a guy trying to figure out how to do better with women? Try this!
Learn The Art of Approaching Women. Any man CAN DO It!
Don't Break Up - Get A Plan To Get Your Ex Back Now
Rebel psychiatrist reveals how to: Get anyone to "say yes" to you.
Burn The Fat, Feed The Muscle
Want To Lose Weight Now? Try Weight Loss 4 Idiots... Learn More Here
Guy Gets Girl. Learn Why Here.
Get 3,000 TV Stations for just $49.95


Visit AspireNow's Smooth Sailing to learn more about building love in relationships.
_______________________________________________________

This article is written by Scott Andrews, Founder of AspireNow. Copyright 2007. All rights reserved.

You may republish this article only AS A COMPLETE WHOLE with ENTIRE LINKS and copyright messages attached. All rights reserved. To read more articles like this, subscribe to the A-Blog.

When Others Lose Faith...What Now?

Have you ever felt like your safety net just dropped out from under you? You know, your husband, wife, parent, child, best friend, or other person close to you just RIDICULED or PUT DOWN or -- worse yet -- WITHDREW SUPPORT in YOUR DREAM!

I'm sorry. That's just not right. But, it happens.

Okay, so you're going along as (a) executive, (b) entrepreneur, (c) employee, or something like that, and for some crazy reason, or a set of reasons, your business or success is taking longer than you thought it would. So, you've drained more money than you thought you would. You have SOME signs of success. Money, customers, web traffic, phone calls. You know, the little signs of success.

But you're not getting rich (yet).

And, they've run out of patience. They think you're crazy. Perhaps, you've been called one of these names:

• Crazy
• Foolish
• Stupid
• Wasteful
• Stubborn

Now what? What can you do?

Do you feel like a failure? (yes/no)

If YES, WHY?

Before we go on. Let me ask you this? ARE THEY RIGHT?

YES? ____ NO? _____.

If the answer is YES, then follow their advice, and stop reading, because you already agree with THEM and don't need this article to help you make up your mind.

HOWEVER, IF the answer to this question is NO, then read on, baby!

Are you determining your success based upon someone else's barometer of success or on your own scale?

Personally, I would really be upset if I missed the answer to the following question:

Scott: "Did you live the life you wanted to live while on Planet Earth?"

Yes? __________ No? __________

There's only one way I want to answer that question: YES.

1. Notice, I didn't give myself a SCALE... on a scale of 1 - 10, to what degree would you say..NOPE. Just Yes, or No.

2. Notice, I also didn't say, "Scott: did you live the life your parents wanted you to live?" or "Did you make your spouse happy with you in your purpose?" or "Did you live the life your brother/sister/friend wanted you to live while on Planet Earth?"

See, because, although these people love us and mean well, sometimes they really don't know what it best for us. Sometimes, only we know that.

If it is an issue that is running between the first question and the latter, I vote in favor of the first. As William Shakespeare said, "to Thine Own Self Be True."

So, what is my advice?

KEEP YOUR FAITH. Have no doubt. BELIEVE in YOU.

Because, apparently, you're the most important person needed right now to believe in you.

How do I know this? Because you already said that the advice was wrong when you answered the first question, above. You already said they DON'T know best for you. In other words, you already know that YOU know best, you just needed me, as a messenger from God or the Universe or just the blogosphere space of the Internet, to remind you of it.

Now, get back focused on what is most important now, and go do it! Remember, as Lou Holtz, former pro coach of Notre Dame said, "to WIN is to do What is Important Now."

Post by Scott Andrews, author of "The Keys To Discovering Your Purpose" e-workbook and audio program. Copyright © 2007 AspireNow. All Rights Reserved.

Friendship: A Crux of Happiness

In my coaching experience, HAPPINESS is one of the main objectives people seek from life. A question that comes up is "what will make me happy" and then the follow-on might be "with my job" or "in this relationship" or "with my life?"

Or, someone will state a concern, but the underlying objective is really happiness. Stating "I'm not really content with my job right now," is a way of saying "my job isn't making me happy." Or saying, "He isn't really doing it for me anymore," is a way of saying you're not happy in your relationship.

No matter what the topic, whether it be our work, our relationship, our health, I find that building solid, strong friendships is actually at the crux or a cornerstone of building happiness in our lives. And the way we build strong relationships is to invite, share, and give part of our life with another person.

When I coach people on how to improve their dating relationships, the first thing I suggest they do is just build more strong friendships. Because the stronger your friendships, the stronger your dating relationships can be, too. The network supports the core growth of two people and helps keep them in the relationship if they ought to stay in, and likewise encourages they get out if they are in an unhealthy situation.

Friendships are also highly useful in business. I find that many of my job opportunities, many recommendations that helped me land a job, and many coaches to challenges I've had in my career actually came from my friendships. So, if you're at work and struggling in your career. The first thing I would suggest to you is to GROW more business friendships. That means, helping people without worrying about what they're going to GIVE back to you. It's hard to do at first, but a key especially when you're volunteering. It is actually one of the best ways to grow your network. Volunteer for an organization or event, such as the American Cancer Society, and then just try to be helpful in any way that you can within the time you can spare. Watch how many friends you grow from this. When I volunteered for the American Cancer Society, I made several great friends from the events and people I've met there. In fact, one year, I met my friend Jonathan, who later invited me to RYZE (http://www.RYZE.com), the first social networking site I joined that produced countless other business and personal relationships and friendships.

So, you just never know where one association might lead. I've been volunteering for the local Symphony Pops concert every year. Each year I've made new friends who were also part of the volunteer team. Try the volunteer route and see if your friendships don't improve.

The best thing about friendship is that when you least expect it, a friend might pop out of the woodwork and brighten your day. This happened for me recently with Belinda Farrell (http://www.HunaHealing.com), a master hypnotherapist and Huna Healing practitioner who also was my first Aspiration Advocate at AspireNow. I remember meeting Belinda through a Bonnie Coleen event I attended, where Belinda had a booth offering her services. I was drawn to her and became her friend. Then later that year, I offered her an opportunity to be an Aspiration Advocate. Belinda agreed. Today, years later, we are still friends. I refer people to her business, and I'm pretty sure she's referred a few to me, too. But, more than that, we care about each other.

Who do you know in your life who you would love to know better?

I totally recommend you reach out, do something, give something, show in some way that you care in a way that THEY will appreciate. For example, I'm just listening to Belinda's introduction and the word that sticks with me is "dolphins" for Belinda. Sometimes, sending a dolphin greeting, or a gift, might be a way to show you care for someone like Belinda. Or, invite them to an event you're participating in. Are you going to a seminar on sustaining the planet? Well, maybe your friend might want to go with you. And, it will be more fun for you to share in the experience. So, you can grow a friendship a variety of ways.

My friend, who I referred to Belinda, contacted Belinda regarding her "Chant and Forgiveness" CD program. Belinda, in reference to me, said something flattering like "Scott is a Masterpiece." I glowed when I read this. What a beautiful thing to say about me. When I reconnected with Belinda, there was such a warmth, such a depth of love in the connection, I realized: "Wow! I have a lifetime friendship happening here." How cool is that?

Our friends are so wonderful!

"Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more humans," according to Wikipedia. I really love what Wikipedia later lists as criteria for friendship:

• the tendency to desire what is best for the other,
• sympathy and empathy,
• honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
• mutual understanding.

A few years ago, I actually took this to another level and added: my friends are people who are in support of my highest good. It was the expansion of the first of these bullets. My question was: If someone is NOT in support of your highest good, are they really your friend? I pondered that question and decided, nope, only people in support of my highest good are truly real friends. If you make sure that a person you surround yourself with is in support of your highest good, has easy camaraderie, tends to have mutual understanding with you, and demonstrates both cooperate and supportive behavior; congratulations: you've gained a deeply rich new friendship!

It has been said that a man can die rich and still be poor. But the counter is you can die poor and be rich -- very rich -- with friendship.

Make your life an effort to grow rich friendships, and see how your happiness grows. Friendship is like putting miracle grow and water on your life. Plant seed, add friendship, watch happiness grow is the way I see this path towards happiness. So many people struggle with what they are getting from life. Well, the best way to make a new friend it not to GET, but to GIVE. How is your serve? If you reach out, offer to do something for each person you meet. It doesn't have to be incredibly time-consuming, nor does it have to cost a lot. Just do SOMETHING. GIVE SOMETHING or INVITE this person to some event you're participating in, and watch a new friendship grow.

I invite people I meet to my band gigs. It is one way people love connecting with me. People have invited me to their workshops, all kinds of things. OH - and if someone invites you to something, GO! Try to RIDE TOGETHER. Time together is the best recipe for growing friendships. The more time you spend together, the more you know each other and have a chance for really deep friendship.

Sometimes we make a trade-off in life of money for friendship. I told someone recently that I made less money living on the Central Coast than I made in the Bay Area. However, I have 10x the number of friends since moving here. So, was it worth it? If you're measuring wealth of friendships and wealth of happiness, the answer is a resounding YES. And, you know what? I wouldn't be surprised if the abundance in wealth soon follows, too.

As the title of one of the songs I wrote goes, you've got to "Give Some to Get Some."

How can you grow your HAPPINESS? By DEEPENING the QUALITY of YOUR FRIENDSHIPS.

The author of this post is a business and life coach. Learn more at http:www.AspireNow.com or http://www.ARRiiVE.com.