Do Children Make It Harder To Date?

I've done some poking around lately on dating websites and noticed that some women are really upset at men for pre-judging them simply because they parent two children about to enter their teenage years. This also goes for women pre-judging guys who say "spending time with their child" is one of their top three passions.

Well, as a guy who dated women with children in their pre-teen (and in their teenage years) I can understand and empathize with the challenges of dating a parent. But why does parenting children make it harder for you to date new suitors? I'll illuminate the challenges and some solutions to those challenges in this article.

7 Reasons Why Your Children Make It Harder To Date You:

1. "My child comes first."

Both men and women, but especially women, make this statement. If you're single, and considering someone else to date, do you really want to hear that you're going to be second to someone else's kid? Probably not. Not only that, but oftentimes the parent has disparaging things to say about their ex-husband or ex-wife. Considering this child might just be the demon seed of that ex, perhaps the thought runs through the mind of this new potential suitor "Could this child come first and cause serious problems? YES!" And, often, that pre-judgment would not be wrong. In my opinion, people who put their children first in any situation run the risk of losing a partner. Why? Because the child is NOT the child of the partner. In a relationship, the partner must come first (after God) and the children after that - except for in matters of care. Read more about my position on this matter here.

2. The child may behave poorly.

Well, I know you think your child is perfect because they've been bringing home finger-painted pictures that show you and them and words like "I love Mom" or "My Dad Rocks" on it. Some kids are really sweet and fun to be around. However, some other children often counterbalance those sweet messages with selfish, demanding, and rude behavior. If you're single and don't have a kid, embracing the idea of bringing a poorly behaved child into your life just to date their hot mother or father sort of tarnishes the idea of the new relationship and makes you more than a bit "less" hot. Does this make sense to you?

3. Watching your kid play soccer may not be their cup-of-tea.

I've seen enough soccer games when my ex-wife took me to her niece and nephew's soccer games to last a lifetime. Add to that a couple of ex-girlfriends whose kid also played soccer, and I'm pretty much played-out on watching a kid roll around a ball for three hours on a Saturday, when I could be out on a walk on the beach, playing my sax at a gig, working on a blog post, writing a book, helping a client, bicycling, swimming, skiing, dancing, or anything else under the sun that sounds much more enjoyable. I don't think I'm selfish. I just don't really want to watch children's soccer games. Yet, I've noticed that single parents expect their new partner to get involved and watch junior play their beloved soccer game every week in the Fall season. I use soccer for an example, but it could be basketball, track, football, gymnastics, or any other event, too. Your potential partner is considering this when you tell them "My child comes first" and then follow it with "Taking little Jimmy to soccer games...". While it is easy to get ticked at the man or woman who doesn't want to do that and label them selfish, consider that every dating activity is a CHOICE and maybe it isn't selfish and non-supportive, at all. It is just personal preference of how we wish to spend our life.

4. Pre-teen children become teenage children.

For anyone who has raised teenagers, with their selfish, outrageous hormone-driven behavior, both parents and non-parents alike often proclaim the challenges of these difficult years. I remember my own father laying awake at night, worrying about my brother or me when we stayed out late doing God-only-knew-what, at least as far as Dad was concerned. Teenagers cause their parents a bit of stress, which might factor into the equation in your partner's head when they're considering dating you. For example, a partner may consider any time they see a problem with authorities in your child's behavior and wonder "Would I get a bill from the fire or police department for damage caused by this kid?" Marriage is a "community property" deal. Most dating partners know this and many may not want to increase their liability in raising a child simply to date you.

5. Your time is not your own.

I've seen this message driven home harshly, when I was on a date with a woman who mothered a 13-year-old daughter who demanded more than I could imagine. It was our third date. Her daughter called her five times during one hour with me while she was at my house for dinner. That was also our last date. Do you really think it mattered to me what her daughter was calling about? It was rude to me, for sure, for the mother to continually answer those phone calls. It wasn't an emergency. It was a problem with respect and setting proper boundaries. What did I read out of it: RED FLAG - trouble ahead. Wind the clock forward three years and guess what? The kid is giving the mother a lot worse trouble now!

Your partner is watching behavior by your child. Yes, they're paying attention to what your kid does. But, guess what? They're also watching what YOU do. When your child demands time from you when you ought to be focused on your date, this is a detriment to dating you - especially when you're not honoring your clear boundaries. Not only that, but many single parents only have about four (that's right, FOUR) nights a month without children. If they have the kids all the time or the common "every-other-weekend" arrangement with the ex, then they don't have much time for their partner on a one-on-one basis. That means only four to six nights a month to be INTIMATE without worrying about if the children will hear you make love or whatever. If your partner enjoys intimacy more than this, dating you (and your children) might be a challenge.

6. More mouths to feed, clothes to buy, college institution fees to pay, cars to buy.

Children are expensive. Your partner might be considering the cost of feeding and paying for you AND your children and deciding that it will just be too costly. Can you really get mad at them for considering the practical reality that raising children isn't cheap?

7. Being a successful step-parent is largely dependent upon you.

Not only that, but there's multiple personalities to balance. Most single parents really have their hands full. Really, I mean it and I have tremendous respect for any parent trying to bring home the bacon, cook the meals, keep an organized and harmonious household, AND be a hot and sexy dating partner. It's hard to pull off being a stellar single parent. I think it is critical that the parent involve the new partner in a step role when it is appropriate (not too early) and yet also they MUST set fair-play ground rules with their children. I've seen this handled well about 10% of the time, and poorly 90% of the time. While I don't say I'm an expert as a step-parent, I can bet that many people who've dated others with kids have seen this, too, and might just consider it a low-odds scenario. When we date others, we're looking for high odds. It is hard enough to date someone successfully when there's just two people involved, let alone three, four, or more.

Now, while there are challenges in being a single parent, there ARE solutions to these concerns. From my experience, and suggestions from experts I've studied over the past couple of years, I can suggest trying the following to minimize the challenges of dating as a single parent:

How to make it easier to date when you have children:

1. Put your partner first and establish clear boundaries for time you dedicate to them.

Many single parents do a poor job with setting and establishing boundaries with their children and their new dating partner. Don't make that mistake. Instead, establish the boundary up front and hold to those boundaries firmly. Be consistent! Make sure there are rewards for successful honoring and reprimands for breaking your boundaries and always follow through consistently with getting what you truly want from your children. Put God first, your partner second, and your kids third, and you'll create a more harmonious household for all of the parties involved.

2. Resolve deep troubles before dating anyone.

Even though your child may be sweet and loving to you, the behavior problems that already exist with you get worse when you introduce someone new. If you see a repeated problem with your child (a) showing defiant behavior and not minding adults, (b) exhibiting destructive patterns (verbal abuse, hitting others, wrecking possessions, etc.), (c) not respecting boundaries, then investigate ways to learn to deal with defiant behavior, resolving conflict in destructive behavior, and respecting boundaries before bringing in a new partner. If you can't get your child to respect you, how can you expect your partner to fare any better?

3. Have your own life, too.

Try not to create a lifestyle completely wrapped around your children. What's the solution? Creating a life of your own. It is important for you to maintain your own life as much as it is to be a parent. If you don't have time for a sitter established, and if you don't have time designated as your own, you're likely going to run into problems with managing a dating lifestyle. Establish time respect prior to any new relationship and your children won't freak out as much when you introduce someone new into their life, because they're already used to you doing your own thing sometimes. Make sure your children always respect your time and don't interrupt it with phone calls, text messages, or barging into your room unannounced. If you respect your time, they will start to respect you more, too.

4. Practice sound financial judgment.

If you're running into credit card problems or other types of debt issues, you're creating a problem for your partner to fix. Don't be a victim! Instead, be someone who empowers you and your children to a better lifestyle. Invest in your children's college education BEFORE you need it (start when they are born). Put money aside for your children's clothing, medical, and transportation needs so that your partner isn't burdened with these things. That way, you're entering the relationship empowered, healthy, and without any additional burden to your partner. If you can accomplish financial strength, you'll be a catch rather than a possible liability.

5. Encourage positive interactions between your children and other adults.

As much as children can cause concern, they can also be a true JOY to be around. I've seen some children who are so well-behaved, sweet, and kind to others they make me yearn for more children of my own. Do your children do this? If so, you're on the right path! If your partner can see themselves gaining through the interaction with your children, instead of losing their path, you're likely to create a much more harmonious environment for ALL of you.

6. Respect ANY and ALL positive interactions with your partner in a step role.

I've been in situations where it was expected and demanded that I accept children, share, and involve the kids in my life and get involved in their life, too. I've also been in situations where my accepting the child wasn't appreciated very much. Instead, I felt judged for ways I didn't match the mother's expectations. Try to minimize judgment and maximize positive support. It is healthiest when you recognize that all interaction from your partner with your child is not an expectation but rather a CHOICE. Make sure you make the request but allow it to be your partner's choice exactly how much they want to get involved in your child's life. When they do get involved, show them appreciation for the things they do well. It will matter to them and help reinforce the positive interaction that builds more love between everyone if you do show appreciation for the positive interactions.

As much as children can make it harder to date, if you establish your boundaries, create an environment that is loving, supportive, fun, and about EVERY person's needs, not just the children, you're so much more likely to attract people to you who love children and want them in their life. Personally, any woman who had children, but they were cute, behaved well, and respected both of us would be a blessing, not baggage. So, take the steps to make sure you can date more easily through building a healthy and functional relationship with your children, starting today!
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Ending Destructive Cycles and Patterns

Have you figured out that you're recreating patterns in your life? Whether a relationship that ends or has components we've seen before, or a job pattern history that seems to keep repeating, or friendships doing the same things, struggles to get in shape, or other struggles, these patterns often seem to dig into our persona and not only chase but haunt us, in spite of our best efforts to do our best in breaking free.

Can you identify that you'd like to end the destructive cycles stopping you from getting what you want?

1. Identifying a cycle is a start!

Well, the first step is identifying the fact that you're IN a cycle! If you're reading this and saying, "Yep, I'm in a cycle going back years - or even to my childhood" well, then this is a chance to learn and grow.

What can you do to begin ending destructive cycles?

2. Break it down. Beyond identification, the next step is to break down the elements of how we are failing.

Is it an expectation?
Does the concern include doing the same kinds of things in behavior to resolve issues that subsequently don't go away?

See, if that's what's happening, we may be focused on what we want to manifest, but failing to put the right things first: correct thought, correct feelings and judgements, and actions that will produce the fruit we seek.

3. Think different. The first step to change a pattern is to think different. We must change our thinking if we are to break free from destructive cycles. If we think the same way we've thought in the past, we're likely to repeat. So, change thinking. How can we change thinking? Through affirmations, and spotting opposite thoughts to what we've thought before.

4. Feel different. Next, we have to build correct feelings. Yes, this means we must FEEL different, too. I once dated someone who seemed fond of saying "I have a right to how I feel. You're telling me my feelings aren't okay." Well, the truth of the matter was that her feelings were not based upon real events and they were distorting her ability to judge correctly. It created situations with unrealistic expectations and weird behavior. It started with funky thought patterns and then manifested uglier when feelings of negativity were attached to thoughts.

See, we must be very careful about how and what we judge in processing feelings. The very act of calling a thought a positive thought is a judgment about the thought. So, be alert to the words you use to describe your thoughts, and then the subsequent feelings you attach to those thoughts. It is the "feeling" stage that will either ensure we break free of a pattern or keep us in it. It is up to us to feel differently. Can we change our feelings? Yes, we can! Set out to feel good, happy, and start with that BEFORE you get the result of the circumstance.

5. Act different. Last, our actions must match our thoughts and feelings. So, we must ACT different, as well. If we can align our thoughts, feelings, and actions with what we most want to manifest, then our success will naturally come in a result we initially hope to realize. Actions speak loud. We need to make sure our actions and feelings match. Put it all out there, don't be shy, and live large in each action. Be strong, humble, and act from integrity with your deepest desires.

If you desire deep communication in your relationship, then communicate deeply. Don't repress your thoughts and don't dominate your partner. If you desire to feel happier about how you eat and reach your ideal weight, then be happy about what you eat and eat in a healthy way (match the feeling with the action). If you desire to feel excited about your job and manifest financial abundance through your work, then act from excitement in a way most desirable of people who win in that career and learn from all results. You'll see the success follow.

Seek balance in actions that match your thoughts and feelings, and you will be happier and fulfilled.

You will notice that through each of these suggestions to break free from cycles, the word "different" keeps popping up in my advice. Why? Because, if we keep thinking, feeling, and acting in ways we've done before, how can we possibly expect anything different? We must think, feel, and act different to break free and define the life we truly want to live.
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Dealing With Disappointment

Have you ever dealt with disappointment?

I have experienced disappointment and can empathize with the range of emotions you might experience when life, people, or circumstances don't deliver according to expectations, or even hopes, or maybe even human decency.

Sometimes, people let us down. Friends fail to say the right things. Lovers leave and don't come back. Jobs don't come through with the money they promised. Work isn't as exciting or productive as it used to be. Or, maybe people flake out and don't do what we thought. People can also be greedy, selfish, or uncaring. Our health may fail us. New opportunities we expected don't show up when or how we thought they might.

Let's face it: there's a whole bunch of ways we can experience disappointment with people, work, love, and life. Often, these circumstances create frustration, anger, sadness, and a general feeling that life isn't what it could be. These feelings can lead to judgment, criticism, and resentment. Left unchecked, disappointment can lead to feelings of unhappiness, lack, and even depression.

What can you do when you feel someone has let you down?

1. What can we control? Well, first, remember that you cannot control other people. In relationships, unmatched and unrealistic expectations can cause problems with resentment, which may lead to judgment, contempt, and disconnections. Other times, people communicate in ways that leaves the other party confused. If we expect others to read our mind instead of expressing concern, we're likely to struggle to get our expectations and needs met.

2. Have we made clear what we need? Also, if we are frustrated with how people communicate, but haven't made clear how important this is to our needs, we may have set up an expectation without foundation.

3. Can the other party deliver what we want? Last, we may have communicated our concern clearly, but if the other party is unable to do what we most want, we still may have an unrealistic expectation.

I experienced some of the problems in a relationship this past year. I was expecting my partner to greet me with cheer, to discuss positive topics, dreams, and goals when we talked, but she was unable to do that. She was mostly only able to focus on her concerns, rants, problems, and challenges, and expected me to hear those things, without the cheer. Over extended periods of time, this mismatched expectation led to a major disconnect in our relationship. I started to talk over her and didn't let her finish her sentences. I basically repressed her. She ended up feeling I was selfish and only wanted to talk about my things. Can you see how my expectation for positive, cheerful talk either was not communicated properly or was met with a response or inability to deliver? I believe that this communication disconnection was at the root of the breakup I experienced after things boiled over.

It is wisest if you can catch personal disappointment up front and determine if you've communicated your needs, and set an expectation that your partner is able to deliver upon. If you fail to do either of these, you may end up dealing with disappointment.

How are you communicating?


Usually, when we are disappointed, something in our own action and attitude contributed to the situation where the other party did not match our expectations. Take stock in how you are communicating. Are you stating why you want certain things? Are you clarifying the underlying reason how you want things done? Are you asking these things of people who are capable of delivering them to you? Try to get a "yes" answer in each of your interactions to maximize your satisfaction with personal relationships and friendships.

Sometimes, people just out and out lie, cheat, steal or don't fulfill what they promised. If this is your situation, well, use the experience as a springboard for the Golden Rule: treat others as you wish to be treated. If you don't want people to complain around you, don't complain. If you want others to be positive, be positive. If you want other people to respect you, be respectful of them, first. Often, we create our own reality by what we send out to others.

Pray and play together. I've read on a plaque that "A family that prays together stays together." Are you making it a point to pray together? Often, by putting our focus first upon God, it makes everything else more manageable. Second, are you PLAYING together? If one member of your family is off doing their own thing, they might be creating dissension. Sometimes, we all need to compromise a little in order to all have the time to play together and build better bonds.

What kind of quality TIME are you spending with the people you most care about?

My sister once told me that if I want to be closer to my nephew, that I ought to spend more TIME with him. It was a point well-taken. I went out and played golf with him that month and he later called me and said how much he enjoyed it. This, from someone who'd called me about twice in his life before that golf day. So, YES, the time we spend together matters.

What about the demands of parenting and time with each other?

Are you a single parent? Are you allowing your children to cut into the time you have with your partner to the point where you rarely have any quality time together? Are you a couple trying to raise children? Both single parents and coupled parents need to make sure they're spending time developing their relationship with each other instead of just parenting all the time.

Make the time for each other. Draw hard boundaries, and keep them. Make your time quality time. Do fun things together: go for a walk in nature, travel fun places, go dancing, go snuggle and make love. Make a "no cell phone except for emergency policy" and stick to it! If you make sure you get time that is specifically your time, and you'll have a happier relationship over the longer-term.

What can you do when an opportunity, job, or new growth of other sort didn't come through?

Sometimes, I wish I had a crystal ball I could look into that would show me both the macro and micro level of life and events around me. Wouldn't it make it easier? In reality, most people need to establish a master plan and then be flexible to adjust as life events might impact that plan. I try to first put it in God's hands.

I've personally been promised a job where the financial opportunity was supposed to be $20K a month, then found out later that most people in that job were really only making about $10K a month. It frustrated me to make less than I'd been promised. In that position, I had two choices: become obsessed over making $20K a month, leave for another job that might pay better, or accept the situation and make the best of it. It is not good to switch jobs every few months, so if you've faced this, you may be frustrated, disappointed, and even a little resentful or angry with your boss.

If this is your situation, focus on what you most want. Did you communicate your needs clearly? Have you taken the steps you need to take to achieve what you want with your job? Is this company, position, or boss able to deliver what you need if you make the right steps in your job? If the answer is "yes" to each of these questions, you're probably in the right position to meet your needs. If the answer is "no", then maybe it is time to consider other avenues of employment.

I've been in very difficult career positions in my past. One time, my company, Intelogic Trace, had filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy. In my first meeting with Delta Dental, the client handed me the bankruptcy letter and asked me if that was what I wanted to talk about. Yes, it was rough! At first, I let it get to me. I recall being so stressed out that I ripped my dress shirt in half when it was missing a button after a trip to the cleaners. My girlfriend at the time said "Oh, I'm staying away from you!" Yeah, I was stressed out. Then, the next day, I woke up and thought "Hmm. How bad could this be? I mean, yes, I could lose my job, but so what?! There are other jobs, and if I embrace this, maybe I can turn lemonade out of this lemon!" So, I dug in and decided to be a beacon of positive energy, success, and growth IN SPITE of the bankruptcy.

Guess what? People responded to my shift in attitude in a positive way. Over time, I came to be known as the top salesperson in my region and went to the company Summit Club for achievement three years in a row. Sometimes, it pays to be positive and persevere.

What can you do when life or God doesn't seem to be listening?

I spoke with a friend about this recently. I was feeling particularly disappointed with several different people, my company, another career situation, and even some friends. The disappointment led to feeling depressed and that led to me feeling like life sucked. Can you relate? We've all been there. Well, in my experience, and my belief in God is that God is in all things. So, God is always there. God is always listening. God is always guiding, slowly, surely, through all of it. Sometimes we are offered challenges to see if we can create something new and exciting.

Franklin D. Roosevelt was offered polio and used it to create one of the top rehabilitation centers in the country at that time. Louise Braille lost his eyesight through the slip of an awl and used it to create an alphabet for the blind.

In every situation, we almost always can find someone worse off than we are. So, before you go do anything drastic, re-frame your situation and release what you can't control and focus only upon what you CAN control. We cannot control other people's reactions to our brilliant ideas. Some people may even snicker or put the idea down. We can only control how we think, feel, and act about our own dreams and goals.

Put aside the cloak of disappointment for the coat of happiness and fulfillment

So, put aside disappointment. Often, we receive disappointment to help us clarify more of what we want in the future. We gain new clarity and insight, along with a dogged determination never to experience the failure, loss, or setback in communication, health, job, money, or love, ever again. It is up to us to seize the moment and be who we want to be, communicate clearly what we need and desire, and find the situations, people, and places that are most apt to be able to deliver to the expectation we've set forth.

By matching our expectations with reality, and putting out what we most want to get back, we are highly likely to increase our happiness and fulfillment, thus improving our life and leading us back to the road to success, love, and joy.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

Purity of Light in Love

I'm investigating the work of Sukyo Mahikari right now.

From the Sukyo Mahikari website, it says:

Sukyo Mahikari has its roots in an organization that Mr. Kotama Okada founded on
August 28,1959, to promote Mahikari practice. This was in response to a
revelation he received from Creator God on February 27, 1959.

Mr. Okada's heartfelt desire was to help people live in a more God-centered and spiritual way based on the universal principles that God established at Creation. In this way, people will be able to fulfill God's prayer for humanity, which is to
create a Heaven on Earth, a world of peace and harmony. He said that it is God's
greatest joy to see his children happily co-operating with each other and living
fulfilled lives.

From this description, I was struck by the concept that God's prayer for humanity is to create a Heaven on Earth, a world of peace and harmony. At a time when our nation in America is at war in two countries, and other countries are struggling to emerge from industrial poverty into the limelight of industrial powerhouses (China and India), we find our microcosm of life to be pretty small, at times. Other times, we realize that it is our immediate thoughts, actions, and emotions that are influencing a great many people.

In your relationships, are you happily co-operating with each other and living fulfilled lives?

Sometimes, we sweep things under the rug. Other times, we just accept things and say "Well, that's just the way they are. Nothing will change even if I do speak up." Are we accepting less when we know we could have more together? Embrace your best self and become the great person you were meant to be.

It is a challenge, to get it right. We must live our most fulfilled life! Our partners, friends, and children ought to be supporting that objective. If they are not, our life is out of balance.

How can we get back into balance?

Answer: by embracing God and the natural energy and flow of our higher self. We must speak our truth, we must dig deep into the soul of our relationships and share our deepest thoughts with one another. We must live happily and be happy to see each other - and show it.

Have you been honoring your father-creator God's vision for you? You are a child of God. It is your right and destiny to claim your place in the joy, peace, and harmony awaiting your own Heaven on Earth.

Ask for the Divine Light - your own true light - to shine upon you, to relieve you of your guilt, burden, and challenge of being your best self. Then step into the light that washes you anew. (See picture of True Light healing exercise here). A new beginning is just around the corner...
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Do Your Kids Always Come First?

Do the kids always come first?

In today's American Society, many single mother's and fathers have this expression:

"My kids come first."

I understand why they might say this. However, in dating, this expression creates a SERIOUS problem.

I'll explain what I mean.

Kids come first when it comes to CARE.

Yes, the kids need to come first in terms of you caring for them, providing a roof over their head, making sure their fed before you go off galavanting on dates, good times, or other self-serving situations. The kids may also come first over your desire of activities or how you handle day-to-day life choices. But this dynamic MUST change when you are in a relationship. How can you put the kids first if your boyfriend/girlfriend (possible husband/wife-to-be) is supposed to be #1 as your friend and lover? The kids cannot come between the new glue you are building in your romantic relationship. And, it is up to the PARENT to make sure this doesn't happen.

But, that's easier said, than done, isn't it?

Now, when it is a matter of CARE, yes, your child will come first. Your husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, or wife ought to be able to care for herself.

Clearly, it is a parent's first reaction to defend their child. So, that is not what I'm talking about.

What I am talking about is when your child IS WRONG and when it is a matter of DISCIPLINE or RESPECT. And, yes, there will be those moments. In those moments, you MUST support your relationship partner over the child. Why? Because, if you don't, then the child can get away with whatever they want (and know it) and this will eventually cause separation or resentment between your new partner and you.

In moments of discipline or respect, your partner MUST come first.

I can attest to this. I've seriously dated six different women (at different times, of course) who each had a son about 10 years old. Anyway, in each of these situations, there were situations where the mother had to discipline her child for the way the child acted around me or treated me. One thing I don't want in my life is disrespect, not from my friends, not from my lover, and not from her children. If the child is showing disrespect (talking back, saying rude things, acting rudely, or doing something threatening) these things would send up a relationship yellow flag - and quite possible RED flag - IF the mother didn't do anything to rectify the problem. I would always consider verbal abuse (saying "f-u" for example) or physical abuse (grabbing something to hit the parent's partner) as a strong RED flag to the partner (and possibly the parent) to end the relationship and suggest both the child and parent get help or counseling.

This is a possible sign that the relationship has already crossed the "no-go" boundaries of respect because the mother is putting the child first and defending behavior (or not properly disciplining such behavior) as to allow the child to create a barrier between her and her partner. If this is your situation, I suggest you get professional help!

There are certain times where the mother can show love but stop the kid in their tracks if they are talking back, being rude, and so forth. But the times the mother or father must be 100% behind the partner is if the child PHYSICALLY THREATENS or CUSSES at the partner. It can happen. I know - it happened to me. The child was completely over-reacting, being disrespectful, selfish, rude, and immature. The parent, whether mother or father, must not allow disrespectful, rude, and immature behavior towards their partner or they are creating a presedence that backs their partner into a no-man's land.

Are you dealing with something similar? Suggest to your partner that he or she put YOU first - when the child is out of line, there is NO other way. Otherwise, your relationship is likely to have significant issues that may eventually derail your ability to stay together. The bond between parents and their children is THAT strong that yes, it can blow the whole thing up no matter how much you love each other.

Are you a divorced (single) parent of a boy or girl? Are you expecting your partner to be a miracle worker, and somehow be loving towards your kids AND remain aloof when it comes to discipline? Do you realize how impossible a situation you might be putting your partner in? This problem gets worse if you back your kid instead of your hopeful spouse when your loving little child is acting like a spoiled rotten little brat! Now, if your partner is out of line, okay, correct that with them. But there is no reason why children should get away with things that a life partner would not, is there?

Can the child try to undermine the relationship?

What if the child secretly wants you and your partner to break up? IF they then act untowardly towards your partner, is it possible they might undermine your relationship? Darn right they will! It happened to me on two occasions! When this occurs, you're dealing with what's known in counselling circles as a "wedge" in your relationship. If you allow your child (and your partner) to build a wedge, you're in a difficult spot as a parent. Try, at all costs, to eliminate any formations of a wedge at first sign of appearance.

What's the solution?

If you put your focus first on your God, second on your partner, third on your children, you will likely have a more healthy and balanced situation.

I wish American society would stop putting this huge emphasis on "they are my everything" because I'd have been pissed if I'd have been my parent's everything. Frankly, I'm grateful that my parents have their own life, their own friends, and their on interests they pursue. It makes them healthy, happy people. If they lived completely, vicariously through me, they'd be only living part of their life purpose.

And, as you all know, I'm deeply interested in living on purpose.

RED FLAGS: There comes a point when it is clear that a child is getting away with murder: when they can physically threaten your partner and you DEFEND their behavior. Are you allowing this? If you are, YOU are likely the biggest part of the problem. Yes, the child needs to be disciplined, but if you're defending your child's behavior you must know you're not helping your partner build a stronger connection with you.

Are you being threatened by a child of the person you're dating? Are you concerned about this? You ought to be! If this isn't a red flag to you, you're clearly out of touch with relationship road signs. Be careful when you are dating. This is why they call it "dating" instead of marriage. You have an opportunity to spot problems and either solve them together or end the affair. Wouldn't it be better to spot a problem BEFORE tying the knot and ending it before someone got seriously hurt?

That's what I recommend if that's your situation.

My philosophy on relationships is simple: eyes first on God, second on each other, third on family, fourth on friends and career. If you live your life in such a way, you'll have a very happy, very loving family situation - even if you're single and trying to date.

This is how it pens out in my mind, in the matter of spiritual balance and in the matter of RESPECT, it MUST be like this:

GOD COMES FIRST
SPOUSE/PARTNER COMES SECOND
CHILDREN COME THIRD

It's the only way it all can work. I know this isn't easy. And, I don't claim to be an expert on parenting. But, I HAVE chosen to be the significant other in a relationship where the mother had children on more than one occasion and I can say that if you ALWAYS put the CHILD first you're giving your partner no way to win in the relationship.

Kids: Be kind to your step parents, and the partner's of your parent - it's hard to be in their shoes! Yes, play with the step or dating partner, but also respect their boundaries and mind them as your own parent. You'll get further in the long run if you do.

To the single parent: give your partner first nod above your child when it comes to matters of respect, discipline, love, and then show your child the care - together - that you ought to show them together. Discuss things with your partner and try to understand your partner's point of view. Your life will be much less stressful and much more on purpose if you can achieve this balance.

To the person who dates the single parent: Be patient... you will need forgiveness to minimize the resentment of the child's attention from your partner.

Try suggesting this position of God First, Partner Second, Kids Third, and be true to your values, and don't let children show you disrespect! As the partner of their parent, you deserve to be treated with respect, love, and care. Show them love, give to them, and they ought to respond accordingly. There will be moments where you must release expectation and forgive if you are to date and/or marry (and remain married) to a partner with children. Don't be afraid to honor the signals you're given: GREEN: love, YELLOW: signs of trouble/disrespect, RED: sign of blatant disrespect, verbal abuse, or physical violence - strongly consider leaving/ending the relationship immediately. Always remember that no matter what you do, love is the answer.

If the parent is defending you, even when things get gnarly, you might be able to work through it. If they don't defend you, consider alternative partners. If you're married and in a tough spot (kids are cussing at you, threatening you, or otherwise violating your boundaries), I'd suggest professional counselling for ALL parties involved. If you are not married, I'd suggest you move on because there are other fish in the sea, so to speak.

I write this article in love and gratitude to all the single parents who read this; in love and gratitude for the children who open up to the person who loves their parent; and in love and gratitude to those who date the mothers and fathers who are trying so hard to raise their children well.

The Magic of Making Up: Get Your Ex Back!
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This article is provided for entertainment purposes. The author may not be a licensed psychotherapist and suggests you seek help if your situation warrants assistance.

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