Taking Time To Love Our Own Self

Have you ever experienced the feeling like you were pulled to give time to a dating partner or life partner instead of loving your self?

I recently discovered that I'd been jumping back into dating too soon after a relationship breakup. How did I know this? Well, because, with every person I met to date I found they were either (a) emotionally unavailable, (b) seeking rescue, (c) expressing they were into me (and I wasn't them), and/or (d) expressing they were not into me (and I was them). Whatever the situation, I noticed that I was pushing too much. And, when I got there, I had little desire to pursue it further.


Why? Because I hadn't resolved my feelings in my previous relationship.

I think it is normal to still feel "in love" with a partner, even when they are gone, especially if there was a strong chemistry element to the relationship. However, being in love with someone else means you are NOT emotionally available to date anyone NEW. In other words, dating anyone new when you're still in love with someone else only sabotages any chance at a real connection with that person.

When I realized this was my situation, I decided to pull back from dating and focus on taking time for self. I've done it before: after my divorce with Judi (1993) and again after my breakup with Trisha (1999), I took some time for my self and found it time well spent. I also took that time again between 2002 and 2006, to a large extent, and also found that useful for personal development. If you find yourself working on falling out of love with another and back into love with your self, take some time - it will do you good.

I'm not someone who enjoys excessive time alone. But I do find it worthwhile when between relationships to stop looking for answers outside of me and instead remember to LOVE ME AGAIN and realize that all the answers to my personal happiness lie inside me. The spirit of God inside me provides all the happiness I need to be fulfilled. It is true for everyone. When you love yourself, then you are truly ready to love another person again!

So, if you're finding yourself caught in demands for your love and affection and your heart just isn't in it, perhaps you might take some time out for yourself. Remember, any time we want to love someone else, and have them love us, too, it is critical that we love our own self first.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog. Photo courtesy Free Range Stock.

Letting Go Of Dysfunctional Relationships

Have you ever wondered whether or not to remain friends with certain people?

Well, you may know that I DO maintain a huge network of friends and associates. My circle of closest friends and associates is held to a short-list of desired traits and qualities. I only keep people in that circle who support certain principles. If a friend starts to exhibit less-desired traits and qualities, or fails to support these principles, after a period of prolonged and sustained behavior that no longer fits my list, I cut them out of my life.

It may seem harshly simple, but I view it quite a bit like how sales leaders view their sales team: If you keep dead weight on the tree, it is difficult to bear healthy fruit. I've seen sales managers fire salespeople who weren't performing for months on end because they felt those salespeople would hinder the performance of the team. It is much the same with our interpersonal relationships.

Do you have a list of traits and standards for your inner circle?

My own list of desires attributes, traits and standards for my friendship circle includes the following guidelines:

1. They support my highest good.
2. I can support their highest good.
3. They add value to my life and I add value to theirs.
4. They posses values I seek: generally loving, artistic, fun, smart, and spiritually healthy.
5. They maintain healthy communication with me.
6. They are loving, positive, and generally supportive and happy to be with me.

There are times when certain friends fail to stop meeting this list. When this happens, I take proactive steps to 86 the friend who doesn't meet my standards. I think this is a positive thing to do. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't usually write them "Hey, you're not my friend anymore." I only do that when someone had communicated they'd "always be there" but then made a consistent practice of being rather rude to me, and I wanted to make it clear that their behavior was unacceptable as a friend. Otherwise, I just move on.

A computer crash and cell phone hard reset dump - a gift from angels?

If you ever have a problem with your computer or cell phone, this is actually an excellent time to review your criteria for friendships and make sure your inner circle is healthy and supporting you the best you deserve.

I've recently had my cell phone crash and a computer virus destroy my database of contacts on my cell phone. I had the option to reload the cell phone with all my old numbers, but chose instead only to put in the current "active" friends with whom I've spoken and who met my list of standards over the past year. This created a much shorter cell phone database directory and allowed much more space for new growth in friendships.

Questions to ponder regarding your own inner circle of friendships:

Have you recently performed housecleaning on your Rolodex of closest friends?
Are any relationships clinging to you that block new love?
Are all of your friendships supporting your highest good?
Can you support their highest good?
Are they communicating in a healthy way with you?
Are they exhibiting the traits you wish to emulate and attract in your life?
Are they all loving, positive, and generally supportive and happy to be with you?

If not, consider scrubbing them out of your database and creating room in your life for people who bring about "yes" answers to these questions. Perhaps you need to create your own list of attributes, traits, and standards for your own friendships. I encourage you to do so.

Now, when releasing someone who no longer supports you the way you prefer, always show love, gratitude, and respect for them in parting ways. If you don't want the confrontation, just stop calling, sending text or instant messages, emailing, or visiting - it sends a strong message they will likely understand. When friends stop calling me or returning my emails, I remove them from my database of inner friendship circle. I'm sure others would do that with you, too. There is no way to maintain a relationship without healthy, regular, two-way interaction.

You will find that by maintaining a healthy inner circle of friends that you will produce more "fruit" in your interactions with people in your life. Always be grateful for the inner circle of friends who love and support you. Maintain a healthy "friendship tree" and you'll bear more healthy fruit from your relationships year after year.
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The Serenity Prayer

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Although known most widely in its abbreviated form above,

the entire prayer reads as follows:

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful worldas it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next. Amen.

And here is the full Original Serenity Prayer

by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God, give us grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did, This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

Reprinted from The Voice For Love

Another way to view this prayer is along with this video put together with Enya:

May this prayer bring you peace and help in letting go of attachments that no longer serve you.

Remember, too, that laughter heals.
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Problem Reconciliating? REJECTED! Now What?

Have you been rejected after offering your partner an opportunity to reconcile? Is there hope or is your life ruined? What can you do now?

This article will help answer this question:

How can we handle rejection when we were hoping to fall back in love?

If you have been trying to reconcile with your partner, and you were rejected, there is the possibility of several things that happened. Before analyzing these, first you must ask yourself:

"Is my partner still saying 'I do love you' in their goodbye letters?" If the answer is yes, you can bet on it that you've created one of the following problems that pushed them away. Read the symptom, discover the problem, and then learn and implement the recommended action after each one.

1. Symptom: They mention anything about feeling hounded, pestered too much, pressured, or repressed. They might say things like "I'm still processing" or "can you give me time to respond without writing or saying anything else?" or "I thought you were putting the ball in my court" and other stuff like that.

Problem: You flooded your partner with too much information, and they couldn't deal with any more attempts to gain understanding from you at this time. They therefore denied your request to reconcile because they are on overload.

Solution to #1: Stop flooding. Withdraw. Don't be mean about it, just withdraw and say "I'm going to go on with things. If you ever change your mind and want to talk, I'll listen."

2. Symptom: Your partner has chosen to re-frame the relationship in a negative light, saying things like "We don't match," "You don't fit my value system," or "We always knew we were not the perfect one for each other," and things like that.

Problem: You said so many hurtful things, that your partner can only hear those things. In other words, you drained your love bank so much that your partner has chosen to re-frame the relationship in a negative light in order to go on with their lives. It is easier to walk from someone who isn't the one than the "soul-mate" relationship, isn't it?

Solution: Recognize when you've said negative things, but recognize also that you cannot prove they are not those things easily at this time. If they agree to see you in the future, don't pile on and insist on revisiting all the graveyard discussion of what wasn't working but instead build new positive and loving experiences. If they won't meet, you may not get the chance to repair this problem; however, in time, wounds heal. Withdraw with as loving a statement as you can, and let time help heal the wound. Another tactic is to agree with them (but just to one extent): "You were right, it would be difficult to work things out considering how we've hurt each other." This will at least validate their concern that they were hurt by you and maybe open the door in the future to a discussion to occur.

I once made the mistake of agreeing that we weren't right for each other when in truth I felt we WERE right for each other. You might not want to agree to that extent, as it gives TOO MUCH agreement to the thought that values didn't match. So, just agree that they were right, and let them know you wish them well.

3. Symptom: Your partner says "I've found someone new."

Problem: Your partner has met someone else. If your partner is the type who has jumped from one relationship to another quickly in the past, this is highly possible. However, if they tend to move slowly in and out of relationships, then this is less likely. Warning: don't assume this when you don't know - it will just upset them further if the reason is #1 or #2 above.

Solution: If they truly met someone else, consider that this new person is showing their best side to your partner, while you've been showing your worst. The odds of reconciling until the opposite occurs is highly unlikely. The only way to save a relationship where one partner is cheating is to simply show your best side, all the time. You must rise above the jealous, hurt feelings, and expectations that caused your partner to cheat in the first place. Otherwise, consider that they've already left the relationship, and consider moving on without them.

The other choice is to tell them firmly "you must leave" and then cease all communication with them. That approach often has been known to get the cheater to recognize they lost someone worth building more of a life with and they will fight to get you back. The first sign of that fight is when they dump the new person. This only works when you were being good to them and you also continue to be good in how you live your best life after you've kicked them out. So, be careful which path you choose.


4. Symptom: If they say things like "You're too much of a slob for me." Or "We always did what you wanted to do, never what I wanted to do," "I don't like the way you smell," and things like that.

Problem: Your partner is disgusted by you. They've either grown sick of you or your partner truly has had enough of trying to get along with you, and despite your best intentions you may *not* be perfectly matched. On the other hand, they might just be resentful about a few things. There is only one way to find out...

Solution: If your partner is sick of you, has decided you're a jerk, or otherwise has found despicable things about you to hate or resent, you're probably not going to resolve these from continuing that behavior.

The wisest move for you would be to clean up your act! Get your place together. Get back in shape. Do a new hobby, maybe even one they wanted to do together with you (if you truly want to do it). Get some energy work done and focus on being the person you want to attract. That way, if they bump into you in the future, they'll see that you're looking your best, creating a life of success, and with the clean space to allow them back into your heart. They say the best revenge is living well. Better than that, when someone won't reconcile because they're sick of you, the best thing to do is to pull back and then be your BEST self. At least you'll rebuild your self-confidence in the process.

5. Symptom: Your partner says "You were the one who wanted to break up!"

Problem: Your partner was listening to things you said or wrote to them. Perhaps you asked for the distance or asked for the separation yourself, and all they did was honor your request. Don't blame them and tell them they don't love you or crud like that when you may have fueled the very fire you're trying to put out!

Solution: You can't blame them for listening to you and honoring your request. All that you can say is "I was wrong. I change my mind. Your love means the world to me. If you would honor it, I'd appreciate a discussion to determine how we both can get our needs met and the opportunity to prove we can do it."

6. Symptom: Your partner says, "I might consider it, but this is just not a good time" or "I simply cannot meet with you now."

Problem: Your partner wants to reconcile, but not at this time. They need to go process some other things and it will take time for the two of you to even consider getting back together. This situation happens especially when many of the above problems I've described are happening SIMULTANEOUSLY.

Solution: If your partner has considered your request and deferred response, you're best to withdraw, tell them the ball is in their court, and MEAN IT. You cannot contact them again if you say you won't. Don't go by their place, don't call, and move on with your life. Time heals wounds, and distance makes the heart grow fonder. Don't wait by the phone, either. Just go on with your life. Alternatively, you could be like the guy in the song Austin (or P.S. - If This Is Austin) I've related to that song, myself!

7. Symptom: They say something like "I want to go on with my life. I've chosen to do so apart."

Problem: This doesn't sound like a symptom. It sounds like they really want to break up with you. However, it could be a veiled situation, or if they're experiencing the same confusion you were, perhaps they hardened their heart towards you because they were hurt and confused.

Solution: If you've made someone sure that they want to move on without you, my advice is to follow the four step process I'm going to outline below. Let go. Stop bothering them. Let them know you still care and would listen in the future should they want to talk. And, then focus on living your best self!

In case you haven't figured it out yet, the solution for all of this is pretty simple:

The Four-Step Recover Plan From Rejection:

1. Let go. Yep, let go and move on with your life... the old saying "If you love someone, set them free" is the wisest advice in this situation. Need help letting go? Try The Serenity Prayer.

2. Stop doing what you did that didn't work in getting back together. Anything you said or did that repulsed your partner, stop doing that, and do the opposite.

3. Anything you did that did work, do a little more of that (but not if you've flooded your partner).

4. Be your best self. Get yourself back in shape. Start or throw yourself into that new hobby. Clean up your house, your car, and your clothes. Upgrade your life, in all areas. Be true to yourself and be more loving, more fun, more successful.

Notice, in none of this did I suggest that you sit around moping, whining to your friends, continuing to badger or hound your partner, telling them they were wrong or insisting you were right, or anything else that didn't work in reconciling. To do that is to be a loser and operate from your lower self. Don't do that! Instead, I'm suggesting that you let it go, stop expecting everything to go your way, and be your best self.

You will find that by utilizing these solutions and following this four-step system that you will create the life you want. In doing so, you WILL become more attractive to your partner again IN THE FUTURE. That will increase the odds of you two getting back together. For now, don't worry about whether or not they want to reconcile. It really doesn't matter. They've made their choice and I guarantee you they hurt, too. Let them go live their life. And, then go live yours. Live your life as if you WON'T ever reconcile, and you might be surprised: some day, you just might get a phone call.

At the same time, you may have noticed that by following this 4-step system (Let go, stop doing what didn't work, do more of what did work, and be your best self). If you follow this system, over time, your broken and wounded heart WILL heal. Not only that, but you'll feel better about yourself for making and following a plan to get your life back on track. And last but certainly not least, by being your best self, healing naturally, and ceasing to obsess about your lost love, you will become more attractive to someone NEW. You just never know who might pop into your life and it just might be an upgraded situation!

As we clear the clutter from the past, reinvent who we are, and build an exciting new ME, we create a pathway for new love to enter our lives.

Either way, the formula is the same. Commit to it, stay with it, and be true to your highest self. You'll be the empowered person you want to be in doing so.

Learn more about Reconciliation from AspireNow:
Let Go Of Guilt and Resentment
How To Know When Its Over
What_Men_Want
What Women Want
11 Steps To Stop Fighting And Make Up
How and When To Reconcile
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog. If you are experiencing a serious relationship problem, we recommend you seek a qualified relationship therapist. This information is guided by the terms and conditions posted at AspireNow.com. Austin Lyrics by Blake Shelton are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels, Austin Lyrics by Blake Shelton are provided for educational purposes only , If you like the song, please buy relative CD.

When and How To Reconcile

Have you and your partner recently gone through tough times?

If so, things may have been said that hurt you. In fact, your partner may have even done things that upset you, caused you to feel they didn't understand you, or maybe even intentionally hurt you. Things like that happen during misunderstandings, sometimes. Yes, after misunderstandings we often will face the potential of an offer for reconciliation. Is your partner offering to reconcile with you? What will you do? How will you handle it? Do you get mean or be nice? There are important questions to consider and it requires a delicate touch to do it right.

Are you or your partner considering a reconciliation?
How can you know when and how to reconcile?

What do you do when your partner returns to you, pouring out their heart and soul to you, asking you to consider a reconciliation? Which finger do you give him? Do you give him a middle-finger salute, tell him or her to "Get therapy", "Go on with your life, I'm done with you" or do you give him a finger of friendship and tell him "I hear you, I'm sorry you're hurting, I'm hurting, too and will talk with you..." or do you give him your wedding ring finger and say "Put your money where your mouth is - let's see the diamond! I love you, too."

If your partner is a female and seeking reconciliation, do you tell her, "Well, I hope you get help - you're disturbed! Beat it!" Or do you tell her, "It wasn't you, it was me." Or do you tell her "Sweetie, I understand you're offering a chance at reconciliation, let me take stock of where I am at and get back to you" or "Yes, I hurt, too. Why don't we talk...?" or "Yes, I love you, too. I accept your offer, baby!"

The response you give your partner just might determine the fate of your future possible relationship with this same partner. Sure, you might be broken up now, but sometimes people must go through a challenge to hone their love. It is not unusual that people hit bumps in the love road of romance and being together. It is quite normal, in fact. So, what do you do when they come to you?

HOW TO HANDLE THEIR APPROACH

Some people think that once you decide to break up with someone, that yes, it ought to be over, and that is that. Well, that's nice in a book. But life isn't like that some times. Sometimes people break up because they have been invalidated, treated poorly, and hurt. Sometimes, they'd stay together if you talked with them and made the effort to work it out. So, don't just dismiss all breakups as "final and over". That's my first recommendation.

Next, some people will only offer reconciliation once. I'm not big on roller coaster relationships; however, I must say that life itself is not all even terrain - sometimes we must go through a storm to cross a sea. So, don't just dismiss a reconciliation as weakness, as it may be a genuine profession of true love for you! In other words, be very careful how you treat your partner when they approach you telling you "I still love you, I miss you" after a break up.

If you are angry over a perceived break-up, trying to move on, and your partner approaches you, I would only suggest to you that you consider that your partner might be really hurting, truly missing you, and feeling overwhelming love and thus, willing to take a chance to have you give him or her the bad finger. Clearly, if you've had a disconnect, that is a possibility. At the same time, your partner knows that you might also just be indifferent, which will also hurt them if they are baring their entire soul and heart to you. Certainly, if they come to you professing that they love you and miss you with sobbing tears, they probably DO love you and miss you.

CHOOSE YOUR RESPONSE TO AN OFFER TO RECONCILE CAREFULLY

So, choose your words carefully. I had someone once tell me all the things they'd done in the relationship and blamed me for their stuff. It was ridiculous, and it didn't result in reconciliation. Another time, I had someone treat me like a child. That didn't work, either. One time, a woman decided that our lunch after hot love-making session was a good time to break out her "top ten list of things I hate about you" that she claimed I needed to change to date me again. She made it to about #7 when I decided I'd made a huge mistake! Another difficult relationship scenario, when I went back, baring my soul, she told me to "Get therapy. You're just making it worse. Life goes on." I didn't need therapy. I know my heart and I just experience emotions on a deep level. Yeah, I was looking for "I love you and miss you, too." So, I know how it feels to be someone seeking reconciliation and having it not work out. I've also reconciled successfully, too. Usually, a reconciliation fares better - even if the relationship doesn't work out - when both people are NICE to each other. Needless to say, in all of these situation, a reconciliation did not occur.

Remember, in breaking-up, reconciling, as in getting together, try, try, try to do it LOVINGLY.

I would recommend that you keep your response to a reconciliation offer to one of either neutrality "I need to determine if I'm ready to reconcile" or "I need to handle some things to make sure we can have a healthy relationship" or the more positive "I'd like to consider your reconciliation. Let's meet to discuss this and see if we can work it out."

I'm not sure I recommend receiving the offer and immediately accepting it, unless you know you were in the wrong and owe them a BIG apology. Then, you might want to say, "Honey, I'm sooo sorry for how I treated you. I love you, too. Let's talk about how to get back together!"

Are you considering offering a reconciliation?

There are some complicated issues around reconciliation. Not all situations are created equal. If your situation is a particularly challenging situation, I strongly recommend you seek professional assistance to help you decide what to do.

1. For example, was there abuse involved?

If your partner, or their family members, were verbally or physically abusing you, then you might thank your lucky stars and be happy that you're out. Why go back to someone who is abusive? Nobody needs to endure that. If you think it might be a temporary situation and could be resolved, then you *could* consider the reconciliation, but I wouldn't recommend it without professional help involved to mitigate your concerns. Abuse (verbal, physical, rape, etc.) -- especially when the threat of physical harm was present -- is the most serious of break-up concerns.

2. Was someone saying that the other was not meeting their needs? There are many needs we have in a relationship. Some are financial. Others are what we do together for activities. Others are sexual. And, some others, just understanding and communicating together. Relationships can break down in many ways. If someone was not meeting the others' needs, it is important to see what is causing these needs to be unmet. If it is the partner, why go back to reconcile when they've already demonstrated they won't meet your needs - UNLESS - they make a wholehearted effort to embrace, acknowledge, and recognize their shortcoming and make a sincere effort to meet your request.

Now, at the same time, if YOU were the one who wasn't meeting their needs, maybe you need to look in the mirror and say "can I do that?" and if you can, step up. If you can't, respectfully decline and go on with your life.

Are they telling you that you need to make more money? Can you? Are you trying to do something that is causing your family finances serious harm? You might consider something temporary to help mitigate the concern.

Are they saying they'd like you to participate in more of a certain activity? Can you do it? If so, make a date to do so.

Is your partner telling you that you are not satisfying their sexual needs? Then you need to consider if they are being demanding or requesting something reasonable that you can comply with doing. If you can comply, quit holding out and give it up! You'll both be happier.

3. Is someone getting invalidated? If something happened that upset you, was it because you were invalidating your partner or ignoring their concerns? If so, you might need to apologize and get it together. It is important to validate each other. Did someone ask for an apology? Why? Perhaps you didn't validate them. This is a concern that can cause you to get very frustrated and say things that later you might wish you hadn't. So, recognize if someone has said things to you that seemed out of character, as if they were seeking validation for a concern and you failed to give it. Now, if their request was out of order, then you may be right not to validate it. However, if their request was sane and reasonable, then get off your high horse and sincerely apologize!

If someone asks you for an apology, and out of anger you give it, but don't mean it, be careful. Because, you'll likely slip later and say something like "you were demanding" and they'll pick up on your lack of sincerity, if they're paying attention. If you don't mean to apologize, well, I guess don't, but I've always felt that if someone is demanding an apology from me that I've usually failed to validate something they were sharing with me and I probably owed an apology of some sort.

Reconciliations aren't easy. There isn't a magic way to do it. The only thing I can tell you is that if you ever loved your partner, and they are coming to you offering you an olive branch, consider showing them love in your communications. You might be glad you did later.

If you decide that yes, you do want to reconcile, then I'd suggest trying the following approach.

How to Reconcile With Your Partner:

1. Meet in a public, neutral place. Don't meet in your favorite restaurant or cafe. That would create a situation overly strong with memories. Instead, choose a new place that is reasonably quiet AND comfortable so that you can communicate clearly.

2. Agree to be respectful, fair, and loving towards each other. Let them know there are concerns and get an agreement to work on the concerns. When you feel the time is right, share some concerns and see if your partner is willing to work on those concerns.

3. You do not have to agree that you were wrong on every concern your partner has in order to reconcile. However, you will probably be wise to agree on the points where you can agree. Dale Carnegie once wrote "To resolve an argument, start with agreement." It's pretty wise advice.

4. Be nice and loving as much as humanly possible. You will get more with honey than vinegar, trust me.

5. Don't be vain, shallow, overly emotional, or demanding. Remember, love usually includes words like "forgiveness, gratitude, acceptance, respect, and giving." Don't be a woose. Just be who you are. Be real and be loving.

6. Offer to make concessions and do what your partner needs if it is within reason and doesn't violate who you are at your core. Ask for what you want, too.

7. Make a sincere effort to deliver anything that you commit to do. People tend to get along better with other people who keep their agreements. So, keep your agreements. If you agree to go to a counsellor for a period of time, then go to the counsellor for that period of time. If you agree to get a new job, then get a new job. If you agree to discipline the kids differently, then discipline the kids differently. If you agree to give more sex, then give more sex. If you agree to do certain activities, then do them! Whatever you commit to in order to reconcile you must deliver to honor and respect both yourself and your partner.

See if these tips don't help you create a more healthy reconciliation if you're ever broken up in your relationship.

What if you don't want to reconcile?

If you decide that you do not want to reconcile, still, be nice and be as loving as possible. Let them know you've loved and appreciated all they've done for you, but as in life some things don't last forever and you've decided to move on. Wish them well on their journey. I've written more articles that might help you with a break-up at AspireNow.com and here at this blog.

Learn more about dating and relationships from AspireNow:
Solving Sabotage Syndrome
Healing a Broken Heart
Is He or She The One?
SoulMates or In The Meantime

The magic of making up: how to get your ex back!

Visit Smooth Sailing to get even more relationship advice.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. This information is provided for entertainment purposes. Seek professional assistance if your situation warrants.

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Live In The Moment

In a chat with my brother yesterday, we were discussing the value of living in the moment.

It is so easy to get caught up worrying about tomorrow, the future, with concerns that face us in life: the mortgage, relationship success/failure, career challenges, health issues, our children's safety, and more. How many of these do you worry about? How about FINANCES? That's the biggie for most people.

The problem for many people is their desire for instant gratification when shopping. So, they buy things they don't really need. Then they get into credit card debt. That spirals to include other debts when things like the car transmission go out. Then unexpected events occur. Health problems crop up. The career goes sideways, and debt problems build.

Is this you?

I've been there. The key is to spot how we cope with stress, and find better ways to cope with it. This is what AA is all about. It isn't about helping you quit drinking alcohol. Of course you want to do that or you'd never go to a meeting. What AA really does is help you cope with YOU. Your thoughts, your reality, your stresses you carry around when you are SOBER. Let's face it, booze is probably the #1 drug of choice to "deaden" our senses so that we can deal with the voices in our head. I have a good friend who told me that's why he drinks. I told him he needs to quit drinking so he can listen to the voices and decide if they're full of bull or not. If the voices are wrong, find new friends! Ha!

Other people get into financial trouble because their method of coping with reality is to go shopping whenever they face stress. Then they buy things they don't need. My solution to that problem is to find a different method of coping, something more natural, like going for a bicycle ride or a walk in a nature environment. I've been doing that and it works quite well for me. One other way to cope with spending too much when out shopping is to ask the following four questions: (1) Do I need it? (2) Do I LOVE it? (3) Can I afford it right now? and (4) Do I really want to own it? (Are the caring costs higher than I want to spend?) When I ask myself these questions, I can almost always walk away from anything in front of me. These questions also take me to the resolution of the challenge: it's about being present with right now.

Well, the challenge as I see it is to BE HERE NOW. That's partly what AspireNow is all about. It is about living your aspirations in the now. If you don't realize what I mean, consider how you set your daily "to-do" list. Do you write it all out on a long paper? Is it on your computer? Do you have more than 3 - 5 items on the list each day? Do they carry over, week to week to week? If that is the case, you are not serious about your to-do list. Not only that, you're not focused on what you need to do now.

One of my mentors is the former Notre Dame coach, Lou Holtz. I remember an inspiring film I saw about Lou while I worked at DecisionOne. He was telling his players on his football team that what matters most is to WIN. And to WIN, you must do What's Important Now. What a brilliant saying! I've been using it ever since (thanks, Lou!) You see, Lou understood that you don't win football games in the Fall and Winter if you don't workout and condition your body for success in the Spring and Summer. When a player is working out during the Spring they are implementing WIN - what's important now - in their attitude towards success in their endeavor.

The last point I want to make about Being Here Now is to point out that worry is often just that: most of what people worry about never comes to pass. That's right, most of your worries are for NOTHING. Considering that, why worry at all? A question I like to ask myself is, "Will it matter a year from now?" whenever I am upset or worried about anything. About 98% of the time, the answer is no. I then can choose to focus on the 2% and deal with that. It's a lot easy dealing with two things than 98 things, don't you agree?

A simple life is an easier life. Don't over-complicate your life with unnecessary worry. Keep it simple. Keep it focused on What Is Important Now. The rest can take care of itself.
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Copyright © 2008 AspireNow. All rights reserved. Want more? Subscribe to the A-Blog.

A few more ways to "Heal A Broken Heart"

I received this email today:

"First I would like to thank Scott for writing such an amazing and helpful article [Healing A Broken Heart] about how to deal with a broken heart, however I still have a question regarding this theme, I'm having a very hard time getting over my ex, and although I'm trying to stop thinking about her, it's not working very well and my surroundings aren't helping very much either. I think about her everyday, and everyday I realize that i still love her as much as I always have, but also everyday it hurts to think that I cannot have her, and it is taking over my life. I don't know what to do, please I'm reaching out for help...what can I do? Sincerely,"

[name withheld]


Here's what I wrote back:

"Hi [name withheld],

Thanks for writing. I'm not sure that the article ought not been enough for you, but I'll dig into this a little deeper. Also, listen to today's AspireNow show at NowLive, I recorded it special just for you.

But, in your case, I have special advice, which, keep in mind, is for entertainment purposes only. My disclaimer I have to give because I'm not a licensed psychotherapist.

First question: how long as it been since your separation? If longer than three months, I'd suggest you consider a little therapy to help you move on with someone who IS licensed. It might help.

I was talking with my brother when I read your email. I read the question to him and he said, "well, I'd pop a beer, say F*#@ it, and then move on," but you can't say that on your website!

Hmm. I can't? Why not? I suppose it is wrong to condone drinking, but the point is symbolic: have a moment, then get over it. Be a man, suck it up and move on would be Craig's advise. Then, after the humor, he said a therapist helped him in a similar situation. I think he may be right on that one. Me, I got over my thing on my own. The article shares what I did. Here, I'll share a little more.

So, have your moment to wallow, but you've got to move on.

What I would do in your shoes, is the following:

1. Focus on me. My needs, my goals, who I am, how I matter in the world. Do that. As Shakespeare wrote, "to thine own self be true."

2. Re-frame the relationship. Sure you liked her. Sure, she had some good qualities, but certainly she had a few you'd change, too, right? She wasn't the best. She wasn't the only one that would be good for you. That woman is still out there LOOKING for you and who will be OVERJOYED eventually once she knows you. Giver HER your energy rather than this ex (ex, in and of itself, denotes a thing of the past). There is more than just ONE woman who is THE ONE -- there are MANY GREAT WOMEN almost PERFECT for YOU.

3. Focus on your purpose, do that. Men need to be proactive in their ability to PROVIDE. Be a good provider, first for yourself, then maybe you can worry about others. Focus on friendships - with the SAME sex. Not to be gay, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying develop GREAT male friendships. Be a loyal friend. Here's the deal: a woman may come in your life or go but as soon as you break off the sex the friendship is damaged. Am I right, or am I wrong? It's been my experience that all these women I treated like "a best friend" aren't really HERE now. My guy friends, on the other hand, are good as gold. Those friendships matter more, in the long run, than many dating relationships.

4. Focus on the four L's: LAUGH, LEARN, LOVE, LIFE ... what makes you laugh? what have you always wanted to LEARN? what do you LOVE most? and what in LIFE do you MOST want to DO? Do those things. Don't wait, do them, do them, do them. As you focus more and more on those things, you'll forget the past.

Here's the thing. I still love many women I dated. The one that ripped my heart out could receive hatred, should I chose to waste that emotion on her. I'd rather put that energy into forgiveness, and moving on to WHO I NEED TO BE, SAY, and DO as a MAN, right now. So, that's what I do. After all, the best revenge is living well, to quote a deserved cliche.

I hope this helps. If this does help you, feel free to contribute to AspireNow's donation box, any amount is always appreciated! :)

Best to you,
Scott Andrews, Founder
http://www.AspireNow.com
info@AspireNow.com"

See, the real issue is even the nature of writing this email, this fine gentleman is displaying, to me, that he's just having a hard time letting go. I think, the idea of popping a cold one, having your moment, then focusing on what YOU want, is really the key to all of this. I think it is important to FEEL the emotions, then PUSH forward with our life.

And, I wish this particular reader the very best in success in doing so!

What are your thoughts on moving on from your ex? Are there any other wise ideas from amongst our readers? I'm always looking for ways to improve upon our primary articles.