Thursday, October 18, 2007

Is He The One? Is She Miss Right?

How can you know the person you are dating is THE ONE?

It's an interesting question that people often ask me: "How can I know this person I am dating is THE ONE?"

Wouldn't it be great if there was this simple little acid test that would ferret-out the ever elusive woman of your dreams, or knight in shining armor?

In the movies, they make it seem so easy. Boy meets girl, girl falls for boy's charm and silly jokes, boy ends up noticing girl making "eyes" for him, boy asks her out, voila, they end up at the altar, then in bed (or sometimes vice-versa) and they're happy ever after. Is that reality? It often seems so different in real life!

Recently, a friend of mine told me she bought a popular magazine targeting younger women that had the headline "Is He Really The One?" She said it was the reason she bought the magazine, rather than the flashy article they had on a new hot sex position or the article on how to impress him over the holiday.

A recent poll said that the average person is willing to spend 6 months' salary to find their true love. So, clearly, we really would give a LOT to find this mysterious person. At times, the search for "the one" can seem like the mythical search for the HOLY GRAIL.
Clearly, being able to answer "Is he the one?" is a question that's worth something to many people -- often even people who are already MARRIED.

Of course, being curious about how this particular magazine might have answered the question "Is He Really The One?", I asked her what it said.

If I remember correctly, the article went into some detail about separating darks from whites (laundry) together, something about cooking together, having incredible feelings when you kiss, and then closed with a comment that he'll hold your hair back when you get sick. Hmm... really?

Is that "the list" for THE ONE?

Hmm... let's see:
1. Separate laundry together.
2. Feel incredible when we kiss.
3. Hold my hair back when I vomit.

Wait a minute. I think human decency requires us to look after someone who is sick -- but is holding hair back when someone vomits, doing laundry, and enjoying cooking together REALLY signs we found "the one?"

I think that means we CARE for each other. But I don't think that means they are THE ONE. I've had several long-term relationships where we totally enjoyed cooking together, doing laundry together, traveling on trips together and spending countless hours doing whatever we'd dream up that day for fun. We also talked shop together about our careers together, too. Yet, I'm not with any of those people today. And I've seen many other people get divorced who had all that caring stuff going on. So, what gives?

Something is missing!

The difference here is the difference between EGO and SPIRIT. Our EGO looks at the hot company the guy runs or his stock options that just vested or his flashy car or nice muscles. Our EGO looks at her great body and how all the other guys say how hot she is. But our SPIRIT looks for something else.

Our SPIRIT (higher-self) often doesn't pick the person we fall in love with. Although we frequently see people fall in love at first sight in a movie or on television, the actual reality of those relationships being the ones that last are pretty rare.

In order to FIND THE ONE, it is imperative that we first separate out the things that are based upon EGO and the things based upon SPIRIT.


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How can you tell a Soul mate from an Ego mate?

1. Soul mates treat each other as equals, by complementing each other very well.

If either of you are putting the other on an unrealistic level it is likely that the relationship may eventually topple from its foundation. Also, with unequal respect, love will not be balanced, either. Do you treat each other with equal respect and have balance in this way? Ego will not do this. Ego will treat your partner (notice, not soul-mate) as inferior and try to take advantage of them, cheat, and do other things. Or Ego will use the partner as a money machine, a sexy arm-tool, or some other trivial thing that passes like the one-hit wonder.

2. Soul mates are on complementary life paths.

When my ex-wife and I divorced I knew it was because we had incompatible goals. Once we had graduated from college we were on paths that split wide and far apart. It wasn't that she didn't love me, because she did. She had a goal to create a nice little two-kid family and live to see her kids graduate and get married. I, on the other hand, had other aspirations that didn't include kids for quite some time. Compatible dreams, vision, and goals are the most important things to look for in relationships, because they are the root of issues that could eventually derail the relationship train if they are incompatible. If you need help with life purpose, purchase our Life Purpose e-book and audio program power pack (see below) and you'll be on the right path. Do you have similar or at least compatible goals?

3. Soul mates are comfortable with the other looks, feels, smells, sounds, and tastes.

Are you comfortable with each other? In a book I read a few years ago called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum, many of the questions the author asks about a suspect relationship are questions about whether you like the other person's looks, smell, taste, etc. The idea being that if your partner grosses you out you're headed for trouble. This is also a bit of an Ego play, though, so I think it is important to pay attention to where those feelings are coming from.

4. Soul mates have compatible spiritual qualities.

How do you answer spiritual questions? Do you believe in God? What is God to you? Do you believe in prayer? How often? What do you think of Heaven or Hell or other spiritual concepts of eternity? Do you believe we have freedom of choice or is our life pre-determined? To what extent? How do you feel about spirits or angels? These are all questions that can help you determine your spiritual beliefs. Notice: I did not say RELIGIOUS beliefs, which are often attached to EGO or other factors. Many people make a happy couple even though they have two separate religions. Yes, this may present challenges when you decide which religion to raise children in (many decide both, letting the child decide), but religion is not a true barometer of relationship success or failure. Spiritual beliefs, on the other hand, are highly important.

One of the best systems I have found for this type of personality testing is the
Myers-Briggs personality profile tests, which helps match based upon Extrovert/Introvert, Intuitive/Sensor, Thinker/Feeler, Judger/Perceiver. I've found that I's ought to stick together and S's ought to stick together. That way, they have a commonality in their core spiritual beliefs. Personally, I match up much better with ENFP than I did with ISFJ, when it comes to relationships.
However, when it comes to writing and business, I really like having an STJ or SFJ around to help sprinkle a dose of practicality and also structure into my work. It is useful to have that complementary personality around me for work. So, this type of testing is useful for both relationships and career.

5. Soul mates are in love, but they are not infatuated.

Are you infatuated or do you have your feet on the ground with your lover? If you think they are practically perfect you may be overlooking things due to feelings of infatuation. The biggest challenge I encounter is that when I am infatuated, I am often blind to that type of logic and won't hear anything of it. Sometimes infatuation has to run its course as we need to learn certain lessons. However, if we can avoid the lesson and save both people in the relationship from getting a broken heart, then all the better, right?

6. Soul mates are obvious to other people.

Do people you know think you're a good couple? Ok, sounds stupid, but I've seen people whose potential mother-in-law couldn't stand them (or even speak to them). Does that sound like a supportive environment? Our support system needs to be supportive of a relationship. That is why we have our support people (family, friends) attend weddings in the first place: to be witnesses and agree to support the marriage in good times and not-so-good times. How do you get along with their friends? Again, this is a support system issue. If you think their friends are pigs, jerks, sleazes, or users, it is highly unlikely you're going to fit into their scene, unless you could describe yourself in such regard. In my worst relationship, I recall that I only liked half of her friends. The other half were either distant, playing games, or dysfunctional. And, to make things more difficult, her mother's attitude and behavior was nothing short of atrocious. From descriptions of past relationships, this was a pattern. Apparently, this Mom obviously hated men. That's not good if your future mother-in-law doesn't like your gender! Using this rule, I'd have seen that it simply couldn't work. Same thing for Dad's with women. If the father sees women as sex objects or beneath men or some other crazy thing, then you might struggle in building an equally-balanced synchronicity between you and your mate. You can't use this rule absolutely and unequivocally, though, because some families are a bit dysfunctional, but it does help to know how friends and family are seeing the pairing.

7. Soul mates are safe together. Soul mates support each other's highest good. Soul mates value each other.

Do you feel safe, empowered, and valued by your partner? If you cannot fairly answer "yes" to being safe, empowered and valued, you're likely missing a key element. I learned this from
Jessica Haynes, Aspiration Advocate, (see Jessica's article on AspireNow called What Brings Happiness) and check out the AspireNow Advisor for more information about safety, value, and empowerment.

8. Soul-mates aren't wrapped up in physical or material pursuits.

It isn't that you can't have a "good" relationship with those pursuits; it is just that the physical and material possession hunt does not satisfy your soul. If your lover has lots of side Ego-perks, such as a kick-butt job, a hot car, high-brow social status, or a model's body, how would you feel if the particular "perk" went away? If they gained weight, would it matter? If the stock market crashed (see:
Demise of the Dot-Bombs) and those dot-com options they hold which were worth millions suddenly are now worth less than toilet paper, would you still love your partner?

9. Soul mates make each other stronger as a team than they are separately.

Soul-mates are stronger together as a team than they are separate from each other. I think this is the #1 most important quality of relationships who make it through the long run. They are COMMITTED to the idea of being a TEAM together. As a result, they'll endure any hardship, toil, strife, challenge, health issue, and other factor that might arise between them. My parents are like this, and recently celebrated their 50th anniversary. My sister and bro-in law are also like this, and they've been going for over 20 years. My brother and I both married women who were NOT committed to the team, and we both got divorced. Not that we didn't have anything to do with it, but I just don't think I was better with my ex-wife than I've been without her. I'm better off now, on the path I am on, than I ever would have been sacrificing my dreams for her white-picket fence, two kids living in the suburbs, soccer-mom dream. Do you make each other better together than you do apart?

10. Soul mates have learned from their mistakes and own their part in the past.

If you find someone you are dating blaming everything else and not accepting their part in their divorce or failed relationship, RUN. Resentment is like ballast in the belly of your airplane and with too much of it you'll never have lift-off! Blame and resentment are not fun to hold onto. If one or both partners has not yet learned to forgive past grievances (see
Letting Go Of The Past, Forgiveness, and Surrender) they may create some new grievances with you. If you hear blame and resentment in descriptions of past loves, you're highly likely headed for pain in your new relationship. In my worst relationship ever, I know for a fact that she's still harboring a bunch of resentment towards me. Me? I'm over it and moved on, thank God. Does your partner assume responsibility for previous relationship failures (learning experiences)? This is one question that sniffs out whether a partner is "emotionally ready" for a relationship. Timing, sometimes, is everything.

11. Soul mates will find peace or joy in their soul when they are together.

What does your internal spirit guide, your higher self, say about the match? When you get quiet and meditate about them, how do you feel? As much as a couple might bicker about various things, if you see them fall apart when their spouse is gone for one night, they just might have a soul mate thing happening. What does your gut tell you about your partner? Is it happy? Excited? Joyful? Or is there a sense of ominous feeling going on -- as if maybe you'll never make them happy or be able to please them? If it's the latter, you're not soul mates.

12. Soul mates are available and looking for you, generally speaking.

Maybe it goes without saying, but soul mates usually aren't married to someone else. They are available and looking for you. This is NOT a hard and fast rule, but you can bet that if someone is your soul mate they will naturally free themselves of any entanglements because you're all they want. It's like the spiritual triangle of "eyes on God first" then "eyes on each other" second. If they're in a relationship now, this may not be the best timing. Have they healed from past relationships? Are they able to love their own self, first? These things are important to resolve PRIOR to getting into a new relationship, otherwise, you may be resolving them together, which can be quite a bit more difficult than on our own. Timing is key to when we meet, in terms of developing all the other characteristics we've discussed. Is the timing right?

We welcome your comments and success stories around finding true love and making love more fun and abundant.

Scott Andrews is an
author, business consultant, and CEO/Founder of AspireNow (, a site helping people realize their business and personal aspirations. He is a speaker and the author of numerous articles and workbooks on business success, life purpose, smooth sailing relationships, and creating abundant lifestyles. He launched the first interactive self-help program on the Net, called the AspireNow Advisor.

Please note: the author of this article is not certified as a licensed psychotherapist -- please consult professional assistance as your situation dictates.

See similar articles in Smooth Sailing

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